Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

[bluewavesatsea]

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

That's really good Imagine. At some point I'm sure there'll be a voluntary contact register, like UK DonorLink, for people conceived between 1991 and 2005, so your older DS may be able to trace his donor and half-siblings if he wants to.

In reply to your reply to me this morning (on my way home from work!). Of course I'm not saying don't have children. All I'm saying is that it is very difficult doing it completely on your own. There is no respite. No ex to have the dcs at weekends, holidays. No one to look after them when you are ill. No one to look after them when both you and them are ill. The pressure of having to work to support yourself and your dcs. No one to share the hard slog but also no one to share the joys. On your own all the time. It is utterly relentless. However no one can tell you how it is and only you can decide what is right for you and what you are able to cope with. People who know me always comment on my strength and resilience.

I went it alone. I started the adoption process aged 28 and my DD1 came home when I was 30. I have since adopted my DD2 and DS. I am now 47

So clearly OP I don't think you are too young given that I was younger. I also don't think it is any more selfish than anybody becoming a parent. I made a selfish choice and a good choice at the same time, the right choice for me in life.

I don't think that waiting around for the right person is always a good idea. I think it depends on what kind of person you are. Being a single parent is not easy but for some (including me) it actually works well and we weather the challenges of it without regrets.

Personally I prioritised parenting far above partnership and I'm also quite happy on my own for the most part. I do have periods of loneliness but nothing like some single experience. 28 was relatively young yes, and in adoption terms definitely young, but I was stable and ready and I didn't feel the need to wait any longer.

Once you have a child, you are not cut off from all future relationships either. You could still find a partner in the future.

I do think having a good support network is important to have if you want to choose single parenthood, as is careful assessment of how you feel and what you want from life.

I don't have a good support network. I have friends but no family who would help.

Support doesn't have to include family, and friends could form a very big part of it. But there will in all likelihood be times as a parent where you just need someone to talk to, or rant to, or have a hand hold from, and obviously as a single parent you don't have a partner to be that person. Having support in the form of friends who are there to support me emotionally sometimes has been so important to me.

Your support is anyone or thing who will help you practically or emotionally with any part of parenthood.

You also need to think about who will be there in an emergency, if there's anyone who can babysit at short notice and practical things like that.

I think it's a good idea to sound out your friends, see what they think about the idea, see if they're likely to be able to help you if you need it. I think you need people around you who are supportive of your decision, or it could feel like a tough and lonely road.

When I had the fertility treatment, all cases of single women had to go before an ethics committee, and had to have 3 counselling sessions beforehand, to establish their outlook and mental strength apparently. I had to write an account of the support network I had, including male influences my child would have in his or her life. I also had to consider what I would do if I had a child with disabilities, or if I developed health problems or post natal depression myself.

The "get a puppy" brigade never seem to appreciate quite how much thought and planning goes into this process!

You need to work out what you do if your dc is ill and can't go to school for a couple of weeks. Could you afford to take parental leave? If not what would you do? Childcare pre-school age is easier than when they are at school. How helpful are your friends? What support will they give you? it is surprising which of your friends are there in times of need. In my case it wasn't at all whom I expected.

I know my comments sound negative but the more you can plan for and envisage the less stressful the process will be.

Sleepy - thanks for your perspective on this. It is something I worry about two. My donor is traceable and I have a nice note from him talking about his life and how he is happy to be contacted when the time comes. I also intend to be totally open about the subject. I really hope it's not too damaging for the kids. One of the reason I was glad to have twins is hopefully they can support each other in it, even if they don't want to talk to me about it.

OP - I think you can work on the support network, talk to some of your close friends and once a baby hopefully comes along throw yourself into baby groups and you'll meet plenty of mums. I also did NCT and met a good supportive group who help me with baby sitting etc. Plus there is the DCN as mentioned and forums like FF which deal specifically with doing it this way. I think the support is out there if you look for it.

As Lilka said, to be honest I haven't found it that hard. I've just had a wonderful time so far. Sorry if that makes me sound like an arse, I know I've been incredibly lucky that my babies sleep well etc. But everyone thinks that because you have twins and especially because you are on your own it must be really hard. That hasn't been my experience (yet!).

Oh and I wasn't really lonely. I am very capable of being by myself and more than happy in my own company. I just always really really wanted children.

Bisjo I have thought about that, of course I have. I've planned it not just wandered into a clinic one day and said get me pregnant please

Where are you up to with making your mind up, OP? Are you going to have another go, do you think?

I'm not sure Cynthia :) I think I'm a bit low generally at the moment and when I get low I inevitably start to question myself and wonder why no one wants to be in a relationship with me!

I know I am being ridiculous but the puppy comment really did upset me.

It was a shit comment, but you have to let these things go over your head. All very well people already with kids telling you not to have them! Ridiculous.

You need to try and stop feeling like that, you just haven't met the right person. It doesn't happen for everyone. Are you generally quite happy on your own, or are you likely to mourn the idea of the happy marriage and kids? People mentioned that to me, but was never really an issue.

Do you feel like you've lived well? By the time i made the decision I'd done a lot of going out, a lot of travelling, drinking, a lot of liaisons with men etc etc, so I don't feel like I'm missing out now.

Sorry, I do appreciate that but you do need to toughen up if you are upset by the puppy comment. You will have to deal with far worse sort of comments and judgments as a single parent. The easiest to deal with are the ones that are spoken; it is far far harder to deal with those opinions and judgments that are unspoken.

In some ways I have lived well but at the same time I've always been quite isolated.

My childhood was difficult as I lost my mother at a young age and after that nothing was the same. My stepmother bitterly resented me and I couldn't bring friends home so school friendships were always tenacious. When I went away to university I made friends but they soon all met boyfriends, who they are now married to. I was the friend who would hug them when they argued!

In some ways my life has been interesting although not in the way I'd have liked it to be! I suppose it's always a bit like that!

Bisjo I appreciate that.

However perhaps some people have forgotten I went through fertility treatment that did not work. After that, to be told to get a puppy, IS frankly, very offensive and I was hurt by it especially given I had not provoked or been rude to that poster.

I know someone who spent around £30k having ivf on her own . She now has a 2 year old and works part time. It seems to have worked out for her but I'm guessing by doing that you sort of take yourself out of the dating game for a while as you have to look after the child and let's be honest a lot Of men won't want to take on a woman with a baby / small child .

Sounds like you had a tough childhood. have you ever had counselling for that, do you feel you've worked through it?

Bisjo I think I must be lucky as I've never really felt judged by anyone. Maybe I just know very nice people, or maybe I'm unobservant and blissfully unaware of their disapproval!

Whenever I find myself feeling sad that I couldn't offer my kids a happy "nuclear" family life, I remind myself how rare that actually is. For every 100% happy couple I know, I can always think of one which isn't so happy, and some which are downright miserable.

I lost my mum too and having kids brings up a fair amount of sadness about that, but it happened when I was older.

Now that I've had the kids dating doesn't even really cross my mind, although I'm sure it will some time.

If you are offended by a comment from some random stranger on the internet then think about when your friends say something (and believe me they will). It could be something as simple as 'I don't know how you manage', 'I could never do that', 'I'm a single parent like you this weekend as hubby is away' etc etc. None of them sound particularly offensive but said in a particular way and/or at a particular time make me have to sit on my hands for fear of slapping whomever said it.

And then there are all the comments that are said behind your back but within earshot of your dc's friends, who then tell your dc, who then tells you. Or not. Sometimes you find out what is being said behind your back purely by chance, or you may never know. Some people I considered to be friends have been hugely judgmental about the educational choice I made for ds. Fine if they said it to my face but hard to deal with when it is said behind your back (and in this case ds found out the horrible comments before me).

I don't feel judged either, I've had incredible support.

It was tough in some ways. I did try counselling but by the time I came to it, I had realised where the problems were stemming from. For instance, I used to be extremely shy because if I spoke at home I'd be ridiculed. Now I'm not shy (shutting me up is the trick!) but no matter how fun and I interesting I am I don't meet single men to appreciate it!

I'm a single mum. I don't have good family support. I live in a big city and even my friends are scattered around the world. Dating is written off for a few years, for me, but I am ever so glad I had DCs as though I am still in my 20s now I don't have the biological clock and won't have it again unless I meet someone I really want to have another child with. I can now concentrate on my career education and so forth. I was in a relationship with mine but it broke down. In an ideal world, I guess I would still be in a relationship because of the support it would provide, but certainly not with ex P.

My friend had her first at 37 after a 2 month casual relationship with a guy, they split up, she had a baby deliberately after getting pregnant when with him, and she then met her DH when her DS was 3 and has since had more children. She was at the right point in her life to have a child when she had her first, and at that stage she didn't really mind that the relationship wasn't meant to last.

If I were in your shoes I'd try and wait a bit longer but then I would go for it.

Fair enough. You sound really nice and sorted. There loss! (that's what I tell myself!).

Perhaps I'm unusual, but I don't really give a shit what anyone says about me.