Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

[bluewavesatsea]

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

I think it is easy once you have your own child to dictate when and how others can have theirs. If you were in the same situation as OP you may be able to empathise.

There are fertility issues in my family. My biological clock started ticking in my early 20s. Who are you to say there will be plenty of time. How many people do you know in the best case scenario?

I wanted children and ended up having a baby at 28 with a wildly unsuitable man. He isn't involved though some members of his family have some contact. When DP and I got together he didn't care I had a child and is now for all intents and purposes his dad.

I don't regret DS for a second, even now as a disobedient toddler who drives me insane. I actually envy your position. I'd rather an anonymous stranger helped me become a parent than the tool that did as he could pop back into his life should he decide on a whim.

I'm a big believer in two parent families and think that 33 is quite young to be setting it in motion, though not for investigating the options. You, of course, know your life and situation better than anyone and if you think your chances of meeting someone are slim and the time is right, go for it and bugger everyone else.

Do make sure you have someone to give you some respite, even the most lovely children drain you, peppa pig becomes the highlight of your day, your DC will use you as their personal climbing frame/seat/chef/horse etc. I have never turned down an invitation for a family member to take him out for the day!

Children expand your social circle, possibly opening up new romantic avenues. DP has a DD and we don't think we'd of got together if it wasn't for the calming effect of becoming a parent.

That's my only recommendation really, same as to all single parents, make sure you have adult time, else you'll go nuts :)

When you have children of your own you realise just how many challenges life throws and them and you and you know you'd want them to start from a position of strength.
The dickhead I bred with might be a dishonest twunt but he is a present, intelligent father who offers yhe children an alternative view of the world gives me a break 50% of the week which is better than nothing and makes me a better parent.

I'm a lp of two. It's hard in some ways and amazing in others.
I think in your position if it were me I would start trying for a baby.

I would say 'do it'. I' m not on my own but sometimes I think the angst and grief you get from a dh/dp is just not worth it. Plus, many of us end up doing pretty much all the thinking element of bringing up kids.. the mental gymnastics, the thinkibg ahead of, say, dc's going to a party in a weeks's time..need a present; need to pack nappies/sudocrem/excema cream/hayfever tablets when going on holiday; termly fees beed paying for dc's brownies, gymnastics, music lessons etc etc. My point is that it's nor necessarily a clear-cut dichotomy of single v partnered parenting. Plus, you won't have the resentment that you've ended up doing it all yourself as you won t have anticipated a partner being around to help (but failing). Of course, it's not like this for everyone - but it is for a significant number of women.

I'm back sans small person.
I'd like to add that I am extremely happy with my choice and DD is definitely the best thing I have ever chosen to do. My father pointed out that by the time she is school age half of her peers will come from broken homes. They may have witnessed the arguments and possibly still have years of turmoil in their home lives to come. It isn't a pleasant way to look at it but sadly it is a reality for many. I have hopes of meeting someone in the future, although without more childcare at the moment this looks unlikely, but I know I will be choosing someone who is right for us, not just me. I think far too many women rush into relationships because of a ticking clock (which is no bad thing and a natural response for most women) but their choice in partner can be blinkered by the desire to have a child/family. Personally I think many more women are choosing this as an option because they are aware than many men don't take much responsibility for their children, even in a loving relationship. As the poster above said, many of my friends are still doing all of the household work, taking the child to outings/park/play dates/birthdays alone, doing cooking bar one or two nights a week and also the ones aware of deadlines for schools and nurseries. I know most of these men work, but so do most of my friends. Society sadly hasn't caught up with what women need and a lot of men still think we live in the 1950's. The main point, of course, is that women can and will do this on their own. Regardless of why it is the how that is the most important. I have struggled with how to look after her when sick, but if I have to have a duvet day or two with her she doesn't mind. It is very hard work and all consuming, and the lack of time alone is tough - reading/doing DIY jobs/watching TV/eating chocolate all have to be done without DD around. I knew this beforehand, however the reality is quite challenging! DD is only 2 and I have no idea of the challenges that await but it is a changing process and the above will become easier in time and new difficulties will crop up in their place. You will never be the same after having children, but doing it alone has meant I can plan better for our future and the stability has been a great relief. I think you sound as though you would do a great job at motherhood. The only thing I wish I had thought more about was having more family around to help (I can't help it that I come from a small family obviously!) but seeing other friends with their cousins/aunties/grandparents around and interacting with their children is a little sad. It also means I worry about small things as I don't have family to guide or offer other opinions. That is a big reason I come on MN actually! Emotionally it can be heartbreaking to think DD only really has me and her Grandad who think she is the best thing since sliced bread. I have a lot of friends around but it doesn't quite feel the same. Also having to be careful you aren't boasting/being too cautious is an issue, as most people talk about this with their partners, but living on your own can mean you say things proudly to friends or strangers and then realise how they sound aloud Having family around also means babysitting options, but you and I don't have that option so looking into people's recommendations for babysitters and a good nursery is a good place to start. You will need some time out. Maybe you won't feel happy to give your child over to a nursery until they are 1 (DD did 1 day a week at 11mo when she stopped breast feeding) but as they get more active and vocal and ability to destruct a room much faster you may need time to clean without them around and just time for you to sit in relative peace!
Sorry for the essay! Off to sand down her wardrobe now while she is in nursery! I hope that has given you a little insight. I'd say go for it too

Thanks :)

Mosman, I can't really say much other than that I think at this stage I've got about as much chance of meeting someone as I have of winning the lottery - not impossible but unlikely.

I don't think I was being offensive towards gay people; you were the one who raised the issue of a child wanting to know his biological father and I pointed out I am not the only sort of person looking to use donor sperm. But in all honesty while I am happy to listen to ideas and suggestions, your 'puppy' comment was so extremely unpleasant I am not really interested in anything else.you might have to say to me.

Believe me I have thought and planned and prepared for a long time, I'm not.going into anything with my eyes shut. But like I say - I am allowed a wobble.

I think OP, people find it hard not to look at their own situations/values/aspirational views etc and project them on to any and everybody else. Ultimately though, you know yourself better as a personality than anyone else, and only you can assess your ability to deal with this.

I'm a big believer in influencing one's own fate and not leaving everything in the lap of the gods. Do what's right for you....

Hi!

I'm in a similar position to you. I have decided to go down the fostering route and will hopefully adopt a few yrs down the line :-)
This gives me the exp and flexibilty in case i do meet someone and decide to have children of my own.

I did think about having my own child and i would like to one day,but financially i couldn't afford it as I want to be a SAHM until they start full time at school. Also,as i'm heading towards my mid 30's i've been thinking about how i would cope without the support of a partner if my health suffered in the long term as a result of the pregnancy. Not sure i want to risk it lol!

Good luck to you and i hope it all works out fine :-) xx

@flojo - did u mean for that to sound so patronising?! Ppl like Blue,Cynthia etc and i have thought this through in more detail than your average person and i doubt very much any of us would think being a single parent is a 'cure' for loneliness - esp seeing as being a single parent is a 'lone' job!

Sorry but that comment really irked me!

This thread is really interesting to me. I am in a slightly similar situation. I'm 31, my biological clock is ticking and I'm wondering if I will ever meet the 'right' person. Most of my friends are married or in long-term relationships, whereas I'm getting divorced and wondering if I'll ever meet the right person.

The only difference is that I have DD who is now 12, after I got pregnant at 18 and had her at 19.

Having her was definitely the best thing I've done but I do really want to have more children and am worried about leaving it much later. I see seemingly happy couples around me, having children, but then am aware that lots of couples appear happy on the outside but underneath the surface there are often unhappy people together in a relationship. Certainly my marriage was like that. So I don't know that I subscribe to the idea of meeting 'Mr Right' and things working out, but at the same time I still wish that this could be a reality.

For various reasons I don't think I'd want more children after the age of 35. So I really only have three and a half years to meet the right person and start having babies, unless I go down the donor sperm route and go it alone (again).

If you're adamant you want children (as I always was before I had DD), then do it. Good luck.

I'm gunna go against most and say that actually I think 33 is getting on abit to have children, I'd get on with it in your situation.

I can think of a lot worse situations for a child to be born into!

You sound Lovely, you'll make a wonderful mum, good luck!! :)

I always recommend anybody thinking about using a sperm donor to talk to the Donor Conception Network www.dcnetwork.org/. Through them you'll be able to chat to other single mums by choice who have done exactly what you're considering, OP. They run Preparation for Parenthood workshops and all sorts. They'll also help you consider the donor aspect - what would you tell the child about their biological father? I'm donor-conceived and I cannot stress enough to prospective parents the importance of being honest with your child about their origins, and allowing your child to have their own feelings about the donor - for some donor-conceived people their donor is of fundamental importance, much more than just somebody who donated a bit of bodily tissue, whilst for others they are less meaningful. Some will want information about and/or contact with their donor, others won't. Personally I believe you have the right to know where you come from and to seek contact with your biological relatives if you want it. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, OP.

Well, even if I conceive this month I'll be 34 when the child is born :)

Sleepy, thank you. I had to have counselling prior to my treatment last month and my donor can be tracked down by my child when he or she is 18.

I recognise it isn't for everybody of course and I very much hope there will be little resentment or hard feelings but if there are we will deal with them.

I'm sure it'll work out for you, OP, as it sounds like you have the right attitude. All my resentment comes from being conceived before donor anonymity was lifted and having no surefire way of tracing my donor, and having parents who weren't honest with me for many years. Oh, and being told that I shouldn't want to trace my donor, that I should just be grateful to be alive and that my 'real' parents are the ones who raised me! No, my donor isn't a parent in the same sense as my parents, he didn't look after me day-in-day-out for years, but he's...somebody. I wouldn't be the grumpy bugger person I am without him.

I think you should go for it , you sound really clued up and like you have given a lot of thought to it all

Ideally you would have a child within a relationship with him rubbing your swollen pregnant feet and you both waving said DC off to Uni 18 years later but lets face it how often does that happen

This way you go into it eyes open rather than starry eyes and then finding yourself dumped with a baby/saddled with an areshole.

I am sure there will be things that perhaps you hadnt envisaged but that would be the case for anyone I think

Also I agree get cracking 34 isnt that young for having babies

Most an your attitude angers and depresses me.

Why is it considered OK by society to have bad relationships, bring children into the world in nightmare situations, in which their parents dislike or even hate eachother, won't speak to eachother, maybe live together but have screaming rows etc - countless possible nightmare scenarios, all of which are viewed by people like you as less than desirable but essentially acceptable as they are due to errors of judgement or contraceptive failure.

However, someone who has spent years considering the situation, evaluating what they can offer a child, is financial solvent, has family and friend support, goes into it with their eyes wide open, is considered selfish for wanting a baby. It makes no sense to me.

Yes I worry that my boys will have issues surrounding their paternity, of course I do. But they are happy, healthy, loved more than anything, and will never ever have to deal with the anxiety produced by having two beloved parents who dislike eachother (as I grew up with).

There are more ways than one to live a life, be a bit more open-minded and less selfish yourself. You can have children, but OP should satisfy herself with a puppy - what an attitude.

Mosmon, the puppy comment was deeply, deeply unpleasant. Why is it okay for someone in a relationship to choose to have a child but not otherwise? We all know relationships don't always work out. If you can't see how awful that was, it says a lot about you.

And I wouldn't wait at 33 either if you are sure it's what you want. I am 33 and have had lots of trouble conceiving. OP might be fine, but equally if she waits until 38 just to begin, she might be too late.

Even if she meets a man tomorrow, he's not necessarily going to want to ttc straightaway is he?

Forgot to say GOOD LUCK, OP!

There are more ways than one to live a life
Amen. No one has an ideal childhood and an ideal genetic background. and it is these differences between us, these triumphs and imperfections of how we come about and how we grow that make us who we are and that make the world wonderfully diverse. (and that quit frankly make parenting possible because if we had to get it 100% right all of the time, no one would)

It takes all sorts.

There is no comparison between having a dog and a child. A child is not a requirement to feel your life has a purpose. many people get that meaning without children but for some people it underscores everything they do with meaning whereas a dog does not.

and you may get unconditional love from a dog but generally not so much from teenagers

and a nretwork of supportive friends is probably more use than an unsupportive dp.

I think when you have a child remarks are a bit off.
there are many things we might do differently with hindsight. however, I think many people have kids with far less foresight than the OP.

Op fwiw I don't think 33 is too young. I had dcs at 35 and found it quite tiring. at my age 41 it would finish me and a friend of mine left it about 39 to ttc using donor sperm (a brave decision as I said earlier) but sadly it was not to be as she left it too late and did not want to go the IVF route.

good luck OP noth with ttc and also I hope some day with meeting a partner if that is what is right for you.

both not noth
and I am not quitting frankly I am being quite frank

Sleepycat your post is very interesting, and highlights an issue I will face.

My DSs were conceived by different donors, one before and one after the anonymity laws were changed, so DS2 will be able to trace his donor and DS1 won't be.

DS1 is 7, and a long as I can remember I've told him about his origins. I've portrayed the donor as a very kind man who wasn't anyone I knew, but was someone who wanted to help people like me have children. I have a list of the donor's characteristics and interests, and also a couple of story books from the DCN. So far DS has shown no interest at all, but I try to make the subject as open as possible, so when he wants to ask about it he can.

This is the best I can do, I hope it's enough.

My post should have started "mosman" not "most"