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Original poster

Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

211 replies

bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 19:31

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

OP posts:
BettyBotter · 18/08/2013 21:43

So, you know you definitely want to be a mum. Fact.

Option A: Wait for Mr Right.
So- maybe you don't meet anyone. Then what? Maybe you meet a lovely man and fall in love (or what if he's not so lovely but OK-ish). Then what? Maybe he desperately wants kids too (or what if he's not sure or definitely against. Then what?) Maybe you end up together and living in a perfect happy nuclear family unit (or what if you just muddle along and wonder if you're just together for the children.) Then what?

Result A: You might end up with Mr Right. You might end up with a baby.

Option B: Don't wait for Mr Right
So - you have a baby alone and life is hard work for a while. You have little chance to meet Mr Right for a few years because you get no sleep. But what if you do meet Mr Right (as many mums do) ... (Option A questions apply again here.)

Result B: You might end up with Mr Right. You will end up with a baby.

My friend took option B. She had a tough first year but went back to work and carried on leading a social life with the help of an au-paire. Her dd is now ten and the most wonderful child leading a wonderful life with her lovely mum. They travel together visiting friends around the world, they go to festivals and do far more together than I can afford to do with my more conventional 2 plus 2 family. Last year friend met a lovely man. She doesn't know if he's Mr Right yet but her having a dd has meant the pressure to find a baby maker is off and she can just enjoy their time.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 21:47

Betty, that made me cry (in a good way!) hormones

I think I know what I want!

OP posts:
CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 21:53

Great post Betty. Spot on.

patienceisvirtuous · 18/08/2013 21:58

Go for it OP.

You won't regret it if not do, but could regret it if you don't.

I was in a similar position, 35, single and childless and planning to start iui. I was really frightened but didn't want to contemplate not having children.

Then I met DP. I had to weigh up whether he was worth the risk of more of my time. I held off with treatment, and we are going to ttc from Christmas. I have been really lucky.

But I was all set to go ahead and would have if DP hadn't turned up-due to pure luck.

I wish you the best of luck, I think it's a very brave but very understandable thing to do.

patienceisvirtuous · 18/08/2013 21:59

*if you do

BettyBotter · 18/08/2013 22:01

Yeah - go for it blue and keep us updated Wink

beaglesaresweet · 18/08/2013 22:03

OP, have a baby if you want to! lots of divorced women with a child/even many kids meet a new man with or withour his own dc - just read MN. Why risk fertility decrease at 33, it takes time to meet and trust someone and to develop a relationship, all thiswould be done inder pressure (and it may not work out ayway).

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 22:06

Thank you so much for understanding everyone, I honestly thought everyone would say not to be stupid and I have loads.of time - but I don't feel I have!

OP posts:
Xenadog · 18/08/2013 22:09

Can't say you should or shouldn't go ahead alone but I can say that I met my partner 20 months ago aged 38 but we didn't start dating for about 3 months. I am now pregnant, living with him and very happy. It was never in my plans to have children so I can't imagine the burning desire some women have to have their own DC but I can say that I never saw how my life would pan out so OP don't give up hope about finding the right person to settle down and have a family with.

I am sure you would cope well but, at 33 I would say, there is still time to meet someone and have children the orthodox way if you would prefer to do things like that.

If you really feel going it alone is right for you then I wish you well. xxx

lucjam · 18/08/2013 22:11

Betty speaks sense, do it.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 22:15

Congratulations xena; I hope your pregnancy continues well :)

Had you been in relationships prior to meeting your OH though? I'm not sure I'd know where to start ...

OP posts:
BrieMonster · 18/08/2013 22:30

This probably won't sway any decisions but I like telling it: Friend of mine was seeing a man who was adamant he didn't want more kids, having a teenager already. After a couple of years (aged 40) friend decided she wanted a baby more than she wanted him. Had one on her own. He came to visit them in hospital and fell in love with her, baby, the whole shebang all over again. Now he is her adopted father!
Of course it would have saved everyone a lot of 'hassle' if he'd just wanted to do it the old fashioned way but there you go.

Like I say, not entirely relevant... But she has no regrets. Good luck!!

beaglesaresweet · 18/08/2013 22:33

Xena, you were lucky! I have a friend who found a partner at 36 but even IVF isn't working. It's best to err on the side of caution re fertility if you can't imagine not having kids.
The thing is also, because you were not so keen on having kids, there was no pressure on your relationship or finding a P, it just happened, but if a woman is pretty obsessed with having dc it may influnce her choices with men not in a good way.

beaglesaresweet · 18/08/2013 22:35

the friend is 38 now btw, still trying.

Flojobunny · 18/08/2013 22:40

OP in my opinion, you are making a mistake.
You are lonely now. A child won't and, in my own experience, doesn't take away that loneliness. You end up feeling more lonely. You have no freedom to socialise, your friends drop off and you end up home alone with your child, who is in bed, feeling alone.
I have 'gone it alone' twice, DC1 not through choice and as much as I love DC I would not advise anyone to do it.

Shyer · 18/08/2013 22:40

One of my close friends met her DH at 38. They moved in after 18 months, bought a house after two years, then he popped the question. They TTC during this time with no success. IVF failed.

She left it too late. But she doesn't mind that much - it was horrible, but she's accepted it. What didn't help was the DH's taking ages to commit.

Charlottehere · 18/08/2013 22:50

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think people rarely regret having a child but may regret leaving it too late.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 23:02

I do worry about that flo,though it sounds fairly similar to how my life is.now.to be honest. Friends are with their own families which inevitably leaves me alone.

OP posts:
ImagineJL · 18/08/2013 23:08

I did this. I have two children now. It's hard work but I'm very happy.

CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 23:14

Blue - I think only you can know which way it is likely to go. I have always been very independent, capable, happy in my own company and never really relied on a partner. I'm not lonely at all now, I feel totally happy, more so than I have been in years and years. I get a bit bored of the repetitious nature of things at times, but when that happens I get out and about to groups and stuff. I don't have much social life outside of that, but it doesn't bother me at the moment, as all my friends had stopped going out anyway and I just see it as a different life stage and one that will change again over time.

I guess if you are really craving a partner to take away the loneliness then it's not going to work, but if it is really all about the kids then you could be very happy.

Do you have a gut feeling about it?

CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 23:14

Imagine - there are more and more of us around, aren't there! How old are your kids?

34DD · 18/08/2013 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tottie24 · 18/08/2013 23:36

Gosh bluewavesatsea, really tough decision here, I have a friend also considering doing it alone, she is 38 ATM, when she asked me after we had shared a few bottles of wine I said I think she should, my children are my world, sadly Dh and I are not looking like we will be together for a lot longer, and my greatest saddness is the the dcs won't have the idiallic upbringing that I had imagined, but not once has it crossed my mind that I regret having them....
I think you still have time but as someone else said there is a big chance you would regret it if you don't. Another friend met an man, knew almost straight away he was the one was pg withing 3 months at the age of 39.
I think the more you can talk it through with friends, family, on here the more it will help you find your answer. Good luck

beaglesaresweet · 18/08/2013 23:58

I can't imagine how can you feel lonely with dc, OP, unless you really are a party animal by nature and happiest in crowds. I mean, what dc give you is a feeling of being needed and loved, and the happiness of loving them, and also of course you'll be much busier and too knackered for usual socialising. YOu myabe lonely for adult company, but you won't feel empty emotionally with a child, would you! and as you say. manyn evenings you are alone anyway. You may actually also find new friends who are mums.

beaglesaresweet · 18/08/2013 23:59

(or single dads Wink)