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Original poster

Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

211 replies

bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 19:31

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

OP posts:
minkembernard · 19/08/2013 09:48

OP do you a good friend who will support you through this?
E.g. Be a birthing partner, shoulder to cry on, chat to on the phone at the end of a long day?

Ideally a no kids friend who will enjoy the novelty and have time and a friend with kids for when they poo green poo or have funny spots and you want to know what is normal?

Or will your mum be on the scene?

If you can get these things in place it will help enormously.

I have a friend who tried to go down this route. i thought it was an incredibly brave decision.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 09:53

I have good friends but they are all married. They'd help me out, but as always it depends on their own families and commitments. One of my friends and neighbours is a midwife Grin

My mum is dead, sadly.

I don't think I want to go down the co parentingroute. I'm not sure how people do to be honest!

OP posts:
Mosman · 19/08/2013 09:55

I've held back, a lot actually from what I really think about all this.

Ok looking at the LO it's biological father might not even cross the OP's mind but it sure as hell will cross the childs at some stage.
If you want unconditional love which lets face it is what this is about, buy a puppy.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 10:00

That's a really unpleasant thing to say Mosman. I don't mind you disagreeing with me, but frankly to compare.my desire (normal desire) to have a family of my own to a dog is extremely offensive. It's also counter productive as all it tells me is you don't really have a clue.

The baby is being born not because of contraceptive failure or because it's what you do or to.provide a sibling for another child, but just to be loved. That's all, and I've tried but can't really see the huge issue with that.

Perhaps gay couples shouldn't have children, or anyone who needs egg or sperm donors to have their family? Except I daresay within those conventions IUI with donor sperm would be acceptable.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 19/08/2013 10:01

Couldn't agree more mosman. Sorry.
I had the urge to a be a mum and I get that. I think 33 is young to be thinking of going it alone. I have at least 3 mates who met their other halves post 35 and had babies in their late 30s and early 40s. I think to deny a child a father is a really big deal.....it's also a big deal to deny yourself the chance to do it the way you really would like to.

angeltulips · 19/08/2013 10:05

Sorry if I've missed something, but why wouldn't you just freeze your eggs rather than going the full Monty? You're only 33.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/08/2013 10:06

Yes, I think go for it baby wise and you'll probably meet a nice man anyway.
Then you can have another one with him perhaps !
I think it's great when people know what they want and go for it Smile

CoteDAzur · 19/08/2013 10:11

I doubt anyone would prefer not existing at all to having being born without a father in their lives.

minkembernard · 19/08/2013 10:16

I do think there is a potential issue with what you tell a child but that could be as simple as, mummy really wanted you. and mummy chose you.

I think the only issue is that it needs to be handled sensitivity. you cannot just lie about it. and the child would still need positive male role models.

Try explaining as i hAve to, yes you have a dad, yes your dad knows you are here, you love your dad, but no your dad just cannot be arsed to see you anymore.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 10:18

Angel - because it's expensive and if I thought I was.going to meet someone I wouldn't be worried. I really, really don't think I will meet anyone and I desperately want to have children and a family.

I've already waited over three years to see if I met anyone and I haven't.

Whether it's the right thing to do or not is of down to individual views. Some people think ivf is wrong, or same sex couples having children. What about unstable marriages, couple whose finances mean the children will grow up poor, couples without sufficient space?

My child will be very loved, well provided for and brought up in a stable home.

Sometimes i doubt myself ... I wouldn't be human otherwise and maybe I will wait, I just don't know.

OP posts:
minkembernard · 19/08/2013 10:19

What i am saying is better to make a conscious choice than to have the inexplicable situation where your child has a father and that father does not want them. better no father than a totally useless one.

And these days families come in all shapes and sizes.

CynthiaRose · 19/08/2013 10:23

Blue, as you probably know there are plenty of books and resources out there to help you explain honestly where they care from. It's something I'm taking very seriously. There has been research done in America, where this started happening a lot earlier, that says the children that have been conceived in this way and told about it throughout their childhood grow uo perfectly well adjusted and have a lot fewer issues than those from broken homes.

Choosing to have children is ultimately a selfish act, write want people to love and be loved by, but it's no more selfish doing it as a single person than a couple. In fact everyone I know that has done it has putterly huge amounts more thought and planning into it than a lot of couple that end up having them.

CynthiaRose · 19/08/2013 10:25

God typos and auto corrects all over the place. Sorry!

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 10:26

It's never occurred to me to be anything but honest. I think when they are younger I will just explain a doctor helped me have a baby as there was no suitable daddy around.

And there aren't!

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 19/08/2013 10:27

Go for it!
I would have done the same in your position and had set myself a tentative timeline but then I did meet someone and had my first child at 35.

CynthiaRose · 19/08/2013 10:31

I think by the way you are defending your position you really want to go for it!

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 10:35

I'm positive I will do it because I genuinely can't see myself meeting someone and nor can I imagine not being a parent.

I suppose I'm just wondering whether to yourself more time or not.

OP posts:
CynthiaRose · 19/08/2013 10:48

That's exactly how I felt. I'd never met anyone I'd come remotely close to wanting to start a family with, so couldn't see why that would change when I hit a magic age. Convinced many people settle at mid 30s, consciously or otherwise, and I wasn't prepared to do that.

I guess do the sums. What's the minimum time you'd want to know someone before trying to conceive, assume up to a year to make it happen, 9 months for pregnancy, how long you'd want to wait before another etc etc. For me the numbers didn't stack up once I hit 35.

Lioninthesun · 19/08/2013 11:00

OP I will try to come back later - being attacked by 2yo dd! In brief: Please have a look on the Donor Conception website. I found a lot of info useful from there when I decided to go for a donor baby around 3 years ago. My main worry was her looking for her father in crowds (my mum was adopted and it caused some issues) as this seemed to be a problem for some children. However then when I finally decided to meet the donor, it caused many more issues as he then asked to have a relationship with me. I don't know what is better - he saw her up until she was 6mo and then disappeared. I have pics of him but he has made it clear he won't speak to her until she is 18. On one hand I think, at least I have pics of them together so she sees what he looks like, but then I weigh that against the emotional turmoil he put us (me really as she is too young to remember) through after being in our lives on and off for two years. I don't know if IVF would be a better way to go although the expense and the hormones and chances of failure would be a killer for me. It is deffo worth thinking very carefully about help with childcare too - am on my own but have her in nursery 2 days from 12:30-5pm which helps me do housework. Haven't got a babysitter for evenings though and have to make do if/when dad visits an I have any money or friends about at that short notice (dad doesn't give much notice!). Also you still have to get up at 5/6/7am if you have a hangover, so it is much less appealing!

Mosman · 19/08/2013 11:10

My child
Right there that's your issue.
It doesn't belong to you, it won't make you happy, or won't solve your loneliness it'll compound it.
You'll do as you please anyway I know I would have but to compare your situation to that of a gay couple is extremely offensive. They are providing a far more stable family than you.

Lioninthesun · 19/08/2013 11:14

Mosman I think many families around the country are less stable than a single professional female. Having a dad around can cause a lot more problems and relationships between mother and father failing can be extremely traumatising.
What do you call your child - THE child?

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 19/08/2013 11:15

To compare wanting a child to wanting a puppy is outrageous. Woukd you be giving that advice to a couple who were about to start ivf?

Ok this isnt an ideal situation but how many children are born into an ideal situation. Dh and I only decided to marry after we had dd (planned). Dh and I have to work full time to pay the bills. We only had a 1 bedroom flat for nearly 4 years of dds life. All far from ideal.

Contraceptive failures, ons, domestic violence, substance abuse, unstable relationships, family illness, infertility, lack of money..... you could go on and on and on. This is by far from the worst scenario. This potential child is planned for, considered and loved.

CynthiaRose · 19/08/2013 11:17

Mosman - you've produced a child with a "dickhead" - your words - where in your list of the right way to do things does that sit?

Mosman · 19/08/2013 11:18

So learn from my mistakes and find the one Grin

Mosman · 19/08/2013 11:21

It's not the worst case scenario but why not have the best especially given how young this person is ?