Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

[bluewavesatsea]

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

*Their

the wanting to have a family often comes from having not much of a good family background yourself. I had a bad childhood and my father died, my mother was nuts etc. Be under no illusion though that having a child will bring you peace and happiness, as it is quite probably the most stressful thing to do. It sounds like what you really want is a settled family life and relationship and I think you are too young to give up on that. It will be harder to meet people when you have a baby.

I'd go for it OP.

1. You know that you want to have a child.
2. You know that you will love them unconditionally.
3. You haven't found someone to have a child with yet;

4... You doubt that you will ever/or any time soon (although obviously you can never tell these things, but for arguments sake).

1. You don't know when you're menopause or lowering of eggs will happen. I have known those have this happen in their late 20s and others up until mid 50s, so it really does depend.

I'd rather not wait. If a decent man comes along he'll love you and your DC and maybe If it's within say, 5 years - you might be able to try for another DC with this amazing man.

Sometimes meeting someone after you've had a child is better as a lot of men who enjoy playing with children/don't get cold feet being with a woman with children, would be the kind of man you'd want your child to grow up with. They are also more likely to be the kind of man who will be approachable, loving and possibly want another DC themselves! :)

OP, I had the same plan as you and the same deadline.

My reason for the deadline was that I imagined I needed to meet a man by 32, get married at 34, first baby at 35 and second at 37. I look back now (at 39) and think that 33 was still ridiculously young to rule a relationship out, but at the same time it was perfectly sensible - my sister had fertility issues (early menopause) and I think a lot of people are blind to what happens to your fertility after 35.

I did research and saved enough for the treatment and for maternity leave. A few people knew this was a plan but I think only my DM knew I was serious. And I really was serious.

At 32 3/4 I went onto the Single Mothers by Choice website and introduced myself. A week later I went on a first date with my now DH. I think that maybe the fact I had relaxed about not meeting Mr Right enabled me to meet Mr Right. He wasn't the 'type' I usually went for, and I asked HIM out (something I hadn't done since being knocked back at 15). The timings didn't quite work out as planned, DC1 was before the marriage (and a miscarriage before that), but I had DC2 shortly before my 37th birthday, so ahead of schedule . I am of course very very happy to have my DH but I do think that if I hadn't met him then my Plan B would have been the right one for me.

Wishing you all the best OP, you are going into this with more thought than many of us conceive our children.

I probably would in your situation op. My friend did this, although the father was an ex boyfriend. Friend doesn't have much family support, her mum is a 9 hour flight away. Her ex isn't involved. She does have a good network of mum friends that she has built up in her home town. She had her second baby about a year ago with the same father. Things are hard as they always are with very young children. However she is very very happy. No regrets.

My child will be very loved, well provided for and brought up in a stable home

I think you sound very certain of yourself. But parenting is an uncertain business. I thought I would be a better parent than I am. The challenges of combining work and life and parenting mean that I don't have the patience I lavished on children I cared for in my teens and twenties. The pressure you are under as a parent can really limit you.

I am not saying don't do it, but just trying to share with you the fact that it can be a very difficult journey.

My personal opinion is that children are born to be loved, not born to love their parents. I wonder if you will really read that and understand it.

What does that actually mean, Fraxinus? I mean, actually I understand the point you are labouring, but so what, the OP presumably knows that already. She has already specifically stated that she intents to love the child (surprise), rather than purely expect the relationship to be the other way around.

Why is it okay for couples to have children for a whole bunch of different reasons, but someone on their own must only have the worthiest motives.

Having a kid (when you choose to) is always a bit about ego isn't it, about carrying our DNA on? It's pretty fucking basic.

Most of us are programmed to want to do it. It's a primal urge. The OP isn't alone and I think it's a bit rich to assume it's because she wants someone to love her.

Unless you have family living nearby, who would be happy to help raise your baby, I would recommend avoiding having a baby on your own if at all possible.

Well, from a single mum of a 22 year old at university, I would just say Do what your heart tells you, yes it will be hard and don't rely on anyone else to be around - and be thankful when they are- but raising a child alone is a lot simpler than living in a fairy tale of we all lived happily ever after

You only have to browse the Relationship thread...

As a single parent you get both the agony and the ecstasy

I am actually very lonely

It's the wrong reason to have a child, who may fucking hate you, you may at times hate them.
People who have children with men and women they end up hating may not admit it but the character flaws their other half had can be quite hard to stomach when they pop up in your child.
Luckily it hasn't happened to me but my own mother married and had children with an intimating bully who was violent towards her, when her precious son started displaying all those traits frankly it was a difficult time.
It's not about fairytales, those who think family life with or without marriage is plain sailing are setting themselves up for disappointment, but shouldn't you even try to offer your child the ideal first ?

Mosman, OP has, but hasn't met anyone?

The OP won't have the problem you detail because she won't know the donor?!

Also, I think the plain sailing comment is stating the obvious.

Well that's where the efforts ought to be concentrated then tbh.
I have four kids and men still want to date me.

Empathy, much?

It's all very well dishing out direct 'advice' when you already have your family!

Also, there is a difference between being able to secure dates and finding a man who wants to commit to having a family with you.

Anyway, why are you still posting? The OP said she was disregarding anything you had to say after your extremely shabby comment about the puppy.

Seems you just want to be antagonistic.

I think if you're going to do it you need to be like Cynthia Rose and also get a support network of people with the same mindset.

This is just my opinion but in your shoes I think I would:

1. spend one more year trying to meet someone. Really throw yourself into it, both Internet dating but also getting out and meeting people face to face through taking up new hobbies/ going to as many social events as possible/ I'm sure your friends could manage a night out despite being married (have some fun while doing it as you will end up with a baby whatever the outcome ;-) )

2. at the same time get everything super ready for going full steam ahead with IVF if that doesn't work out in terms of saving lots of £, joining support networks etc

For me, that way I could honestly say that I had exhausted the possibilities of meeting a suitable man and feel a bit more justified about the IVF.

You would still only be 34 at conception which really isn't very old.

You're right I am going to hide this thread it makes me incrediably angry tbh.

Well you've already got your four kids, so you're all right aren't you Mosman. Have fun.

Smerlin, I have already done what you suggested - I spent 2012 trying to find someone and just didn't get anywhere. That confirmed (at the time) that I was doing the right thing.

Mosman, I said in my OP I was lonely but not because I am yearning to have a child to love me but because huge chunks of normal society are out of reach to people like me. When you have neither a partner or children you fade into insignificance in a way that is difficult to explain. I'm wary about saying too much more to be honest because I don't want someone jumping on me and twisting what I said around.

I've always wanted a family and the ideal for me would be a white wedding followed by a happy home filled with children. That would be what I would choose, if I could choose, but you cannot make somebody want to be in a relationship with you so that leaves me in the position I'm currently in.

It's certainly a difficult choice but quite honestly I'd have had a child at 27 if I'd been married! It is a selfish choice in some way but I grew up with a selfish parent and at least I know what not to do. When the child is here, he or she comes first, simple as that. I think the issue will be not spoiling them rotten rather than them being neglected or hurt or harmed.

I don't doubt my capacity to love or care for a child no matter what and I am a very strong person, which isn't to say it won't be stressful at times of course.

Bluewaves. You have clearly put a lot of thought into this, probably more than many couples do before embarking on life as parents. Go for it! I can't speak for lone parents and I'm lucky to have a supportive partner, BUT, For many people, their partners can cause more stress than the kids themselves.

Good luck

Mosman you have had shed loads of support from MN. Give the OP a break.

I've PM'd you blue

Just catching up on this thread and I am surprised by some of the harsh things people are saying...

The way I see it is that we all set out to give our kids the best possible start - whether that be two parents, a set of loving, supportive grandparents, a nice home, access to a good school - we all have different ideas of what makes the "best start" but also, we can't provide everything.

All the studies show that kids benefit from contact with extended family.... my dd has the shittest possible grandparents (and she has 6 to choose from) - she has almost no extended family in her life and that grieves me. But it wouldn't have stopped me having her... Oh and I work full time, so dd has been in nursery since she was 9mo. We're ttc another baby, we have a 2 bed house, kids will have to share a room at some point (God willing)... that's not going to stop me trying to have a 2nd one.... Jesus, how selfish am I to have a baby under these terrible circumstances...?

The OP has said that she would love to have a supportive partner in her life but that hasn't happened for her so far. If we all read all of the studies and only had kids when we had the perfect set up then most of us would still be childless. Who knows what the future holds - I think the OP has throught this through to great extent and only she really knows what she is capable of. I wish you all the best bluewaves.

Am watching with interest as I feel I will be going down this path in the not too distant future... I hope it all goes well blue- I think the desire to provide a loving stable life to a child is actually the most important thing and you sound like you have a lot to offer.

Almost no children get brought up with the fairytale and I think having one loving happy parent is better than 2 miserable ones, one who has pissed off and barely makes contact etc. There seem to be lots of people here who have gone before you and are having positive experiences- go for it and good luck!

Wow. Love that a single mum of 4 is lecturing you on potentially becoming a single mum of one. I think there are other issues being projected.

If any of the ladies that are thinking of going down this route want any support or advice you're very welcome to PM me. Good luck to everyone!

You're right I am going to hide this thread it makes me incrediably angry tbh.

good idea

I would go for it! (Well you already have) You sound lovely and I think at 33 you are completely old enough to make this decision, If you got to 35 or older and then couldn't get pregnant I think you would regret it. I'm sure will make an amazing mother to your child. This is also coming from someone who was raised by single mother from birth, I have never missed having a dad in my life and my mum gave me twice the love to compensate for it! Good luck, do come back and update us x

The people who are urging Blue to have one last desperate trawl for lurve ("throw yourself into internet dating" etc ) seem to have forgotten that relationships based on ulterior motives (such as finding a potential dad) are quite often disastrous.

If Blue gets out and frantically joins clubs and internet dates all potential life partners who walk her way, when she's actually just hearing that clock ticking away, she's more likely to end up at best settling and at worst ending up in a sad or difficult situation with a bloke who hasn't got the same agenda.

Loads better to be a loved, planned and wanted child of a single parent than a child of a warring, miserable couple

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