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Original poster

Letting my partner sleep with other women

302 replies

Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:38

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:41

Sorry i am a regular poster but NC as i am afraid of the response i will receive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:43

Oh and im not a troll, this is a genunie question and i need advice- please!

OP posts:
Mummybookworm · 12/08/2013 13:44

I think you are setting yourself up for more pain and more hurt. This man is not your soulmate.

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:46

Mummy,

We are perfect for each other in every other way- its just sex which is the problem- surely i can rise above this? -there are more important things arent there......?

OP posts:
GobblersKnob · 12/08/2013 13:47

I think he is a tit and you should find yourself someone who loves you for who you are.

Fragglewump · 12/08/2013 13:47

Erm I think the only way this would work is if you both need/want it to happen. It sounds like you are more keen to please and satisfy him than his is to do the same for you. Your self esteem has taken a knocking and you are not in the best place to see this clearly. I would find a man who was satisfied with me! Good luck in whatever you choose!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 12/08/2013 13:47

I guess if your comfortable with it. But have you thought about what it would actually be like? Watching some stranger paw all over your husband. Do it if you really want to but it sounds like you have low self esteem. Does he tell you yout overweight and hes not atttacted to you? A loving partner wouldnt do that.

Work on making yourself feel better. Eat good food, exercise (that is if you want to- for yourself and no one else) find someone who deserves you

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/08/2013 13:48

Where's SolidGoldBrass when you need her? At least I'm sure it's her who is very anti-monogamy. She would be best placed to give you sensible advice I think.

LooplaLoopy · 12/08/2013 13:48

I agree with the others, I'm afraid.

frustratedashell · 12/08/2013 13:48

If he really wanted you to get back together he should remain faithful. Of course he liked your idea, you're letting him have his cake and eat it! !!
I think he should be supportive of you while you try to loose weight . If he's not willing to do that and be faithful then I would tell him to sod off. He has no respect for you but then you don't sound like you have any for yourself either. Sorry if that's harsh. Good luck

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:48

Gobbler,

But thats just it he does love me- but he needs sexual variety and just one person cant give that to him

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/08/2013 13:49

So, you want to have sex with other women, be physically intimate with them, and be in the same bed as your husband when he has sex with other women, but not because this appeals to you, but because you want to keep your husband happy?

He, in return, thinks this is normal behaviour from a "loving wife"?

Our definitions of "sole mate" differ.

GinAndaDashOfLime · 12/08/2013 13:50

Ah OP this is so Sad. I know he is YOUR soulmate, but I'm sorry, you can't be his, because he has treated you like shit - going off with another woman, making you feel it's your fault for being overweight, and now jumping at the idea of freedom to fuck around. That's not love. You're being a doormat and it sounds like your self esteem is rock bottom. It will only get better when you move on from him totally and cut all contact. Good luck Flowers

Fragglewump · 12/08/2013 13:50

Wants sexual variety... Not needs....

Amiee · 12/08/2013 13:51

Unless you are 100% up for this and it is also something you actually want, not just something you think will keep him, i dont think it will work. You will have to watch him touching other women who due to you low self esteem you will probably think are more attractive than you, which will in turn lower your self esteem even more.
How about you ditch him and find a man who loves you AND wants to shag the pants off you.

MmeLindor · 12/08/2013 13:51

What do YOU want? Truly want, not just what you are willing to do to keep him.

There is a lot about his wants and needs in your OP but not much about your happiness.

Do you want to have a threesome?

Vivacia · 12/08/2013 13:51

"needs sexual variety" or "wants"?

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2013 13:51

A threesome? So you would be in bed with your husband while he has sex with another woman? Are you quite mad?

Your self esteem is at rock bottom, so your way of curing this is to bring another, presumably attractive, woman into bed with you and watch him enjoy himself with her.

You need to focus on your self esteem here. Your husband is doing nothing to help you with this. I think you need a break from each other. He's been unfaithful to you and your solution is to actually watch him with another woman. Seriously, you are looking at such huge problems for yourself.

And another thing - you might not find a woman who wants to do this. Where are you going to find her? Online?

I think you are heading for mental health disaster if you go ahead with this.

Oh and why aren't you suggesting a threesome with two men, eh?

cakeordeath1963 · 12/08/2013 13:51

Do not go down this path it will lead to heartache and will destroy any self respect and self worth you have.
Would you honestly not feel gut-wrenching jealousy watching your husband kiss another woman passionately all over her body and have full sex with her?? I feel you are just considering this as a means to keep your husband. Believe me a new man is easier to find than your lost self worth. If he truly was your soulmate he would not even entertain this idea, he would love and respect you and ONLY you.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 12/08/2013 13:51

Wow.

Firstly someone can only been your soulmate if the feeling is mutual. You are both each others soul mate, its not one sided and if you are his soulmate then he wouldnt of cheated.

You may think you wont be jealous, but when the time comes for him to sleep with someone else, you may feel very differently.

When you love someone so much, you cant bear the thought of anyone else touching them.

Im not surprised he wants to come back, he cant believe his luck, hes getting a better deal than what he had before, and your sort of rewarding his previous shit behaviour.

I would much rather be with someone who couldnt possibly imagine having sex with someone else with or without my permission, rather than have someone who has previously cheated, thinks its great that you are allowing him to sleep with other people, and who isnt attracted to me.

Any partner worth having will not want to sleep with another woman even if he has his partners permission.

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:52

All,

i know this sounds awful and people can get very angry about this sort of thing but really can i expect a highly sexed man to say faithful to me for life?

And if he is going to sleep with other women, i want to know about it, and accept it as part of who he is, i love him dont i?

Sorry!

OP posts:
ChunkyChicken · 12/08/2013 13:52

Love is about more than sex, true, but surely someone who loves you should want to make love to you, regardless of whether you have 'let yourself go' or not? Also, in what way were you partly responsible for the affair? Why did you and he have sex so infrequently?

I think there is more to healing this relationship than just having threesomes. A true soulmate wouldn't want you to subject yourself to hurt & sadness just to get to still his dick elsewhere...

Aspiemum2 · 12/08/2013 13:53

Bullshit, sorry to be blunt but he doesn't need sexual variety. He might want it, I want to win the lottery but as adults we accept we don't always get what we want

There's a lot of blame on you here, you gained weight, you can't satisfy him

If my dh wanted to have sex with other women then it wouldn't be in my bed and he wouldn't be coming back to it either!

AnythingNotEverything · 12/08/2013 13:53

This rings alarm bells for me I'm afraid.

You sound lacking in self esteem ("I have allowed myself to gain weight") and you are allowing your husband to behave like a child. Men are not dogs - he can control his urges and does not "need" to sleep with other women.

Is there inequality in other areas of your relationship? Does the housework fall only to you? Does he have lots of time consuming and/or expensive hobbies?

Threesomes/an open marriage is not the answer. I think he needs to respect you more and think about what you want/need too.

Amiee · 12/08/2013 13:53

oh and no one look the same as when they first met... personally a few extra lumps bumps and greys make me love my DP even more.

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