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Original poster

Letting my partner sleep with other women

302 replies

Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:38

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

OP posts:
ClartyCarol · 12/08/2013 15:49

Quintessential - paraphrasing but "sort yourself out because not even your husband fancies you" and "your big fat naked body" are really a bit harsh and tactless. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't say that direct to her face.

figrus · 12/08/2013 15:49

If you are willing to let your dh sleep with other women, why don't you let him be alone with them? Put a limit such as 3 shags per individual woman and then it's time to find a new one. Personally, I wouldn't like to witness my dh touch or have another woman touch him. I would prefer if they did it in a separate bedroom. You could bring them breakfast in the morning?

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 15:49

Wow lots of nasty comments about my weight on this thread- bitchy- but i suppose i can understand that.

38 and 36 isnt middleaged in my book and my husband is an attractive man, im not bad looking either and certainly not a beached whale. im not expecting a line of 22 yr olds and my husband wouldnt want that either actually- his fantasy is Nigella Lawson

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 15:50

figrus haha

OP posts:
AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 12/08/2013 15:50

You can probably drop 11st + of unwanted weight by ditching the fucker.

As someone who had to scrape the last of my self esteem from the bottom of a barrel I implore you not to do this. My weight was out of control, my mental health was suffering and the "wants" of someone else drove me to the brink. Those were some of the darkest days of my life and never again will I let anyone, especially a loved one make me feel inferior.

I can guarantee if you were Jennifer Aniston he would want Angelina and if you became Angelina he would want someone else.

What he wants is someone at home to wash his socks while he washes his dick in someone else.

Would you tell your daughter to accept this?.....

YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/08/2013 15:51

Well if Nigella is his fantasy fuck you put on a wig and start shagging him on the hob when he's not expecting it.

The role play might pep you up too..

MmeLindor · 12/08/2013 15:51

His fantasy is Nigella Lawson? She's not exactly skinny, is she?

If you are about 2 stone overweight, and 'carry it well', how come he doesn't find you attractive enough to forsake all others?

Not being bitchy about your weight - I am overweight too - but this doesn't add up.

Tillyandjamie · 12/08/2013 15:53

You say he is a highly sexed man? So is my DH but it's only me he wants it with. However high his needs or wants are, he should only ever want that with you! He clearly has no respect for you or he wouldn't even think bout touching another woman? I have also put on a lot of weight since being with my partner but he regulary tells me that's it's me he loves regardless of weight.

meditrina · 12/08/2013 15:53

If you are exploring your own sexuality and want to have group encounters, that's fine. But that's not what your situation sounds like.

You have been separated for 2 years and your XH has been with another woman. This isn't turning your marriage into an open marriage - because your marriage has already ended. I doubt it will make you in any way contented to see him shagging his OW, or yet more women.

OTOH, perhaps - two years on - it is time for you to start thinking of new relationships. Or at least a period of more genuine single-ness (losing the fixation with the cheater who left you).

Yonihadtoask · 12/08/2013 15:53

No. Just no.

Sorry OP but I agree with ALL the prev posters saying don't do it. Your DH is manipulating you, and making you do something that isn't going to make you happy. Just him.

No one NEEDS a man in their life. They are optional.

headlesslambrini · 12/08/2013 15:54

OP think about this on a practical level -

  • you say that you would like to explore sex with another woman but how will you feel when your husband pushes you out of the way to get to her?
  • how will it feel when he CHOOSEs to cum in her and not you?
  • what happens when you see how her body is against yours?
  • what if he starts to make remarks about her body in comparison with yours?

IMO this will not save your marriage and you will probably end up feeling even worse i.e. you can't hang on to your man even when he has blessing to have it with someone else.

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 15:54

Wow ive certainly come to the wrong place for advice.

The virtol!!- that i might want to try a lifestyle outside of the normal conventions that tie a lot of people to sexless and miserable marriages.

Im sorry if this thread has offended anyone, but im ceratnly not a selfish person, i wouldnt want to expolit anyone, i just want to create a marriage which allows each partner to be who they really are, without the constraints of gulit and duty which holds so many of us down

OP posts:
Patchouli · 12/08/2013 15:55

Twice a month?
Are you having sex twice a month as things are? As you said 'rarely'.

Perhaps try properly making time for yourselves twice a month. Time when you can both put your own variety back into your sex life. (Both - as the onus isn't just on you).

foxy6 · 12/08/2013 15:55

if you are willing to sacrifice you bed to another woman to save your marriage. what is you husband sacrificing for you ?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/08/2013 15:58

I don't think you've had that much vitriol apart from one or two posts, I see concern from people that you're suggesting a threesome to keep your bloke happy as the expense of your own self esteem and self respect.

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 15:58

Thank you so much to the posters who have given my advice from the heart.

i do understand how awful this looks, but i suppose if i dont try it how will i know- what have i got to lose? if it works and makes us happy i get him back- if not i dont- and that is already the status quo

OP posts:
garlicagain · 12/08/2013 15:59

no love or affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex

Have you thought about what this means in real, human terms? How do you propose to find a woman who's happy to have regular sex with the pair of you, denied any affection? You will be using her, that's unarguable. How do you feel, actually, about using another woman's body? Your husband's obviously okay with it. Try imagining this scenario in detail, using one of your woman friends as the third party. Because she will not be nameless, faceless, or emotionless.

The more likely thing is that affection will be involved, as sex is a bonding activity, so at least one of you will get hurt.

If you genuinely are willing to try this out, join a swingers' club together. This will give you some clues as to how you feel about watching him fuck other women/men, and also about your enthusiasm for opening your orifices to people you don't know well whilst still 'together'. Once you've done that for a few months, reconsider the ramifications of developing swinging into an ongoing, three-way relationship. Until you try it, you won't know how to feel and swinging is a relatively safe way to experiment.

I agree with everybody else that your motivations seem all askew. I despise your husband for the way he's manipulating you ... but you are an adult, and I have to respect your right to explore different modes of sexuality. So go swinging, and take extreme care of your sexual health while doing it.

LunaticFringe · 12/08/2013 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 12/08/2013 15:59

Do you want this - really?
Or do you just want your husband to see you as his accommodating sexual goddess of compliance?

without the constraints of gulit and duty which holds so many of us down

Not most of us

I wouldn't have gotten married/been in a relationship if I saw monogamy as a chore, I would have remained single and shagged about for Yorkshire without destroying another persons self-esteem.

MmeLindor · 12/08/2013 15:59

Um, I don't think I am reading the replies the same way you are.

Most of us are concerned about YOU, not a potential partner who might be exploited.

You asked for advice. Based on the information that you gave in your OP, we have given advice.

If you wanted to be told, 'yes, great idea. Have a threesome with your ex and shag him into next week', perhaps you should have tried the Arsses website.

It seems that you wanted validation of your plan, not for someone to point out the flaws. I wish you luck with it.

TheCrackFox · 12/08/2013 16:02

But your husband is not in a sexless marriage - only you are....

Swinging, threesomes etc work brilliantly for some couples because both of them are really into it. It doesn't work for couples when it is a sad, desperate attempt to make one partner stay.

You want him to be happy but he doesn't give a shiny shite about your wants and needs.

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 16:02

You are setting yourself up for a life of being treated like shit.

Not every man dreams of shagging other women Hmm.

You really are being taken for a mug.

When you marry it is expected you will both stay faithful so YES you should expect your husband to stay faithful.

AnyFucker's point at 15:13 is a really good one that most people would not have thought about.

Op, don't kid yourself you want to go down on another woman. You are just so blindsided you think you want to do this to keep your pointless and not at all worth keeping husband.

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 16:03

I think it is the variety thing for him more than anything, we used to have sex once a month every other month maybe.

He did used to watch a lot of threesome porn and so i know that is what really excites him.

I am a curvy woman, not huge, but i carry weight on my boobs and bum, im not stupid either but just want my marrriage to work

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 12/08/2013 16:03

Sexual variety is all in his head. And that is where it should stay. Of course you should not be expected to put up with this in reality.

TheCrackFox · 12/08/2013 16:04

You need to both want your marriage to work.