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Original poster

Letting my partner sleep with other women

302 replies

Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:38

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

OP posts:
hareinthemoon · 12/08/2013 15:22

I have never, never known this to work in the long term. I've watched a procession of these types of relationships fail from friends of my parents in the 60s and 70s all the way up to young couples reinventing the wheel just recently. They always seem so surprised that it didn't work and I can never figure out why it's such a shock. There are tons of reasons why it wouldn't work, and I sincerely don't know why anyone thinks it would.

EasyMark · 12/08/2013 15:23

Whats ur BMI OP?

Have you talked about going to a swingers club? It will be better than having another person in ur home and everyone knows what the rules r?

EasyMark · 12/08/2013 15:25

Also have you had an STD test?

Are you useing condoms every time you have sex with him?

What if one of the threesome women become pg?

ClartyCarol · 12/08/2013 15:26

Dear me Quintessential tell it like it is, why don't you?!

EasyMark · 12/08/2013 15:28

It is still possable to cheat on you even having threesomes or swinging.

Angelfootprints · 12/08/2013 15:28

I once read about a woman who did what you did- agreed to a threesome for her dh sake and his "roving eye".

They agreed on a codeword if either wanted to stop during the threesome.

They found a woman in a bar, took her home - and she ended up being utterly excluded watching her dh moan with pleasure with another woman. She was literally left standing on the side of her own bed watching dh have sex on her bed with someone else.

Her dh completely ignored her when she kept shouting the codeword. She was standing there shouting the codeword for stop-he kept going.

Basically it was a chance for him to cheat while humiliating her in the proccess.

Could you risk that op?

QuintessentialOldDear · 12/08/2013 15:29

I thought that is what I did? Confused

What is the point of starting a thread (after a name change) for honest opinions, and then not getting any? This is how I imagine op will feel. Not good.

Ahhhcrap · 12/08/2013 15:29

What about what YOU want in all this?? What do YOU get out of it??

Us normally say 'go for it' if its what you both want.. But in this, it sounds like its only him that gets the good deal.

No wonder he was happy when you suggested it.. He gets his cake AND eats it... Do you think he'd be happy watching you having sex with someone else? Maybe you should suggest that ?

VulvaVoom · 12/08/2013 15:30

6 words - having his cake and eating it.

If I suggested getting back with DH and having threesomes to keep him faithful, he would think I'd gone totally mad!

Not saying you are OP BTW, your self esteem sounds pretty low though (coming from someone who understands that)

TheGinLushMinion · 12/08/2013 15:30

Of course the twat seemed 'very happy' with your suggestion-he's taking you for a cunt & you're letting him!!!

Threesomes are fine if all parties are comfortable-clearly not the case here.

Get some self respect & dump this pathetic parasite, you'll feel so much better for it...

Angelfootprints · 12/08/2013 15:32

I agree that his respect for you will plummet further, in turn dragging your self esteem down.

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 15:35

All,

I am actually quite interested in being with the other woman too- and I think my husband would gain great pleasure from watching us.

I know this idea sounds awful, but I suppose I'm trying to be open minded about things- men have differemt sexual needs to women on the whole, and are we meant to be monogomaous anyway?

He's been open with me with the issue of variety, and if I truly love him and want him to be happy, why can't I let him be his true self? Why is love tying people down to social norms etc why can't he want to fuck other women, but only make love to me his wife?

Why should I hold him back from livinng his life to the full, doing the things he wants to do? And if I can be part of that why can't I do that too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 15:37

I'm sorry if this sounds really bad- but I'm trying to be open to the idea of living this new lifestyle- I want to at least try

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/08/2013 15:38

There is so much wrong with this I don't know where to start.

He is very highly sexed but you didn't have sex much. Your choice or his?

You don't have children - your choice or his? Are you hoping to have them in the future which is why "keeping" this douche seems important right about now?

You are ok with him cheating if you know about it, but you see the only way of effecting this is to have (totally unwanted) threesomes? did you know some people in non-monogamous relationships just tell each other about whether they've had sex with someone else, i.e. taking care of each other's need to know without the other person having to watch.

Aside from regaining this tossbucket of a man, what else would make your life happier? How overweight are you? How's your job? Your health? What do you friends think of what's going on>?

LunaticFringe · 12/08/2013 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor · 12/08/2013 15:39

When you say you are interested - you say that you think he would enjoy it. You don't say if it would turn you on.

If it rocks your boat, then give it a go.

What will you do if he decides that one woman - another woman - is actually enough for him and he doesn't need you any more?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/08/2013 15:40

Men don't have different needs to women, that is sexist claptrap. PEOPLE of all sexes have a wide variety of needs, but a penis still isn't a get-out-free card from breaking the vows you make during a wedding. Did he say "forsaking all others"?

TheCrackFox · 12/08/2013 15:40

What do you actually want? Not him, not societal norms or a bunch of random mumsnetters? I suspect that the answer is not to watch him hump another woman in your bed.

SevenReasonsToSmile · 12/08/2013 15:43

But what is he doing to make you happy OP?

And where do you expect to find this attractive woman who wants to have sex with a middle-aged selfish prick and his overweight wife with terrible self-esteem issues? I can't see that you'd have you g attractive women lining up tbh, or would you happily pay for it?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/08/2013 15:44

Would you consider sleeping with another man? Would your husband be equally happy about this as an idea? Go to swingers bars etc?

Just seeing how far this involvement with other people would go and who it's actually about.

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 15:45

Elephant,

Im about two stone overweight, although i carry it well, i have a great job which pays be well and im not tied to the office. My health is very good, i havent told my friends about this as tbh they would go mad!

I just love my husband very much and want to make this work, i dont want society to didicate to me how my marriage must function. If this is what will work for us- why cant we be happy?

OP posts:
Angelfootprints · 12/08/2013 15:45

"things- men have differemt sexual needs to women on the whole"

This just isnt true op. In your world men need to do anything with a pulse while woman have sexual little need.

Its just cliched, and a convenient for your dp for you to believe that.

Yorkieaddict · 12/08/2013 15:46

The problem as I see it OP is that you and your DH both seem to think you are not good enough for him, and he is too good for you. This puts you in a very vulnerable and unfair position. I am certain that in fact things are the other way round, and he is an idiot, who does not deserve you!

I hope you can find the self esteem to realise that you do deserve better, and find yourself a partner who thinks you are amazing, and does not need other women. What you are suggesting can only end in you feeling even more worthless. Please don't do it! I wouldn't be saying that if you were in an equal partnership, and it was something you both wanted to do, but you clearly aren't.

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2013 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/08/2013 15:47

You seem so wrapped up in what makes him happy you've stopped thinking about you.

and if I truly love him and want him to be happy, why can't I let him be his true self