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Original poster

Letting my partner sleep with other women

302 replies

Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:38

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/08/2013 14:39

Assuming you're a deeply unhappy, insecure person and not taking the piss.

Don't do it, how will you feel if he starts to prefer sex with her and doesn't want you involved then falls in love with her and leaves you.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 14:44

aww boo Grin

TigerSwallowTail · 12/08/2013 14:44

I know a few people that had this type of relationship/marriage, every one of them went wrong. One couple split and are now getting a divorce as the man is now living with one of the women they would have a threesome with and their child is stuck in the middle while they argue over contact. Another the man and woman split up as he tried to leave to be with a woman they would have a threesome with but she wasn't interested, he then went back with his partner and they had to move away and have no contact with threesome woman and their old friends too in a bid to save the relationship (threesome woman was also friends with their old friends iyswim, hence no contact with friends too). And another couple I know had been together for 10 years, tried having a threesome and it was disasterous for their relationship, they were getting married too but have now separated.

If you manage to get it right and it works for both of you then great, but it sounds like it would only work for one of you.

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 12/08/2013 14:45

AHEM - a reminder of our rules about troll hunting.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/08/2013 14:45

HQ are on this like lightning Grin

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 14:45

I don't understand why I'm getting such a harsh response, I knew I'd get flamed for for thinking about a threesome- but thinking I'm a troll !?!

Seriously I'm not a troll- I just wanted some honest, open advice, without being judged

OP posts:
Whothefuckfarted · 12/08/2013 14:46

I feel really sorry for you.

I don't really have any more things to add except you are worth more than this. You are scraping the barrel to try and hang on to a total twat... love is blind..

MmeLindor · 12/08/2013 14:46

OP
Giving the benefit of the doubt - don't do this.

Listen to what everyone is telling you.

None of us look like we did when we were 19yrs old. We have put on weight, or got more wrinkles, or we have scars and stretchmarks or all of the above

Thing is, so has my DH (well, without the stretchmarks!).

He cheated on you, and now he thinks he can have his cake and eat it. It will make you even more unhappy than you were already.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2013 14:46

I think you can probably tell from the earlier responses what most of the opinions are.
You really do sound like your self esteem is at rock bottom and agreeing to this will just push it further down until you have none left.
Stop trying to save the marriage.
He was unfaithfull and he needs to prove himself. And to do that he needs to show you that you do mean the world to him. You are the only person he wants to be with and that other women will not satisfy him - only you!
But... he's not doing that is he? No, he's basically making you feel even more shitty by agreeing to shag other women in front you.
Lovely man - really worth fighting for!!??? NO!!!!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/08/2013 14:47

Threesomes won't stop him being a shagger.

If anything they'll make him more selfish and his respect for you will continue to diminish.

Groovee · 12/08/2013 14:49

I feel so sad for you. You don't really want a threesome. You're only suggesting it to keep your man happy. What about you and what do you want sexually. Your needs are just as important as his and he's already strayed from you. You deserve so much better. Someone who loves you and desires you for who you are and not what you try to make yourself to please them.

MmeLindor · 12/08/2013 14:50

Disregard the trollhunting posts. Look at what EVERYONE else is saying.

You wanted advice. You've got it.

Tell him to get lost, work on accepting yourself as you are, and learning to love yourself.

StrawberryMojito · 12/08/2013 14:52

OP, has it really not crossed your mind that if has great sex with another woman and they connect personally aswell that you would be pushed out of the picture. You are asking to be humiliated. Don't do this, it will not end well.

BrainSurgeon · 12/08/2013 14:54

No, don't do it. Even if you did think about it for a while, reality will be much more difficult to face, if it does happen.
What kind of love comes without being faithful to each other?
Perhaps you should try living as 'housemates' instead?

higgle · 12/08/2013 14:55

StrawberryMojito, didn't you see - she is going to change this lucky woman every now and again to ensure he had variety!

GilmoursPillow · 12/08/2013 15:00

Men who are married to "the love of their lives" won't want to shag another woman, surely?

QuintessentialOldDear · 12/08/2013 15:01

I suggest you go to the gym and improve your health and self confidence rather than expecting another woman to have sex with a woman not even her husband fancies.

QuintessentialOldDear · 12/08/2013 15:02

You are going to feel so out of it, like such a cast off, your big fat naked body in direct comparison with a young slim woman your husband has picked up. You really want this? Who are you punishing?

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 12/08/2013 15:06

Also, the OP has been around for a while, and is a NCer Smile

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 15:13

I think you are out of order actually

You are considering using the body of a procession of various young women, some of whom may be in vulnerable positions of their own, in order to hang onto your prick of a husband

That makes you as bad as that cheating fuck, who sees women as commodities to massage his ego as well as his dick

Find some self respect, and dump the arsehole. Do you really want to be that woman ?

Twinklestein · 12/08/2013 15:13

Watch Liaisons Dangereuses to see how this idea generally pans out...

BangOn · 12/08/2013 15:19

It sounds as though you're happy for everything to revolve around his sexual appetite.

Where is your sexuality in all this? What do you want?

superduperwuper · 12/08/2013 15:20

I think the reality would be heartbreaking tbh.

Think about the grim reality of watching your beloved husband nailing some random in your bed, paying no attention to you. Later, worrying she has given you both a disease -or her turning up a few months later up the duff and demanding CSA money! Extreme outcomes but not impossible.

Tbh as well - your "D"H may be quite the catch with his smooth patter and credit card out. But most women would balk at the thought of being taken home for a threesome with !the Mrs!! That kind of thing is really not going to appeal to many women.

Also wouldnt you be mortified when word got around?

Sorry but as you are suggesting doing it for him - not you, I really would not go there.

onenutshortofasnickers · 12/08/2013 15:21

Wanttopatchitup

He is not your sole mate- he is an arse.

You are a fool for doing this.

Clearly you have made up your mind and are going to do it anyway so I don't know why you came on here.

You have been told what will happen.

My advice is to not do this and he does not love you if he is doing this to you. You would be far better off without him. He will probably cheat on you anyway. He will probably leave you anyway. This will end badly, but your not going to listen to what I or anyone else will say.