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Original poster

Letting my partner sleep with other women

302 replies

Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:38

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 14/08/2013 10:14

Bending over backwards might come in handy for the threesome though.

libertine73 · 14/08/2013 12:37

Is all this hilarity for the Op or are some of you auditioning for something? Hmm

PramQueen1971 · 14/08/2013 12:59

Swingers: do your children know what you do?

LoisPuddingLane · 14/08/2013 13:21

Well my daughter doesn't know about my experiments with women. She's old enough to know but I'd rather keep it private.

PramQueen1971 · 14/08/2013 13:24

Now you've experimented have you made up your mind which way you swing ('scuse the pun)?

LoisPuddingLane · 14/08/2013 13:26

Both. I would say I like both equally well. Though I kind of feel that I want a relationship with a man. Obviously I'd know the experimenting on the head then.

LoisPuddingLane · 14/08/2013 13:27

KNOCK, not know.

Isetan · 14/08/2013 13:30

Christ! If this thread has battered your self esteem, theres going to be nothing left of it if you insist on this Mike Tyson equivalent assault on it, glove.

Your'e not "allowing your H to have sex with other women", he has already had sex with other women during your marriage and will continue to have sex with other women during your marriage, with or without your "permission". What you are trying to do, is exert control over a situation you have no control over. The marriage as you want it is over, whats left is this sad soul destroying nothingness.

Your'e a big girl, we can't stop you if you insist on doing this. However, its one thing to be hurt by someone you love, its a whole different ball game when you hand them the weapon with instructions on how to cause the most damage.

LoisPuddingLane · 14/08/2013 13:33

Yes. I think it would be soul-destroying. Because as Isetan says, you are not gifting him this freedom - he's already taken it.

JohFlow · 14/08/2013 14:13

Hi OP,

I would avoid threesomes like the plaque in your situation! From experience; I can tell you that whilst one or two may add a bit of sparkle into a relationship - you will probably experience a lot of pain with anything more long-term. Whenever you add another person into your relationship , you naturally put a distance between yourselves. Into that space can come jealousies, inequalities, emotional distance and intimacy issues.

It is easier for men to fantasise on what 'the grass is like on the other side' if it is brought into your home.

In your situation - particularly when you have already suffered some infidelity and self esteem problems (you are lovely and sufficient as you are) this can only bring pain. It takes a woman with man-ballz/one who is emotionally distant to cope with the complexities of extra-marital relationships. Its definitely something that you should only enter into when you have spoken to those who have had the experience.

I find it difficult to believe that your husband was your soul mate when he left you for another, mentions your weight negatively and implies that you are not sufficient for him. How hurtful is that? Soul mates are allowed to manipulative because they know you best?

If he is allowed to sleep with other women, then you should be able to sleep with other men too. I know this is 'hardball' but you are entitled to variety too. You have both created the familiarity in the bedroom that your husband is complaining of.

I can't help feeling that there may be someone out there who will love you for who you are now - regardless of weight. Who appreciates your sexual experience and your loyalty and who will nurture you and your feelings.

xx

sillymillyb · 14/08/2013 14:28

Ok, I am not going to name change, and I realise I am late to the thread and OP might have wandered off.... but if you are reading, then please listen to what all these wise posters are saying to you.

I could have written your post word for word. Literally, every single sentiment that you are expressing and justifying. I wanted to keep my man happy - he deserved it, I "knew" he loved me and just needed an outlet. It was slightly different for me in that I had had cancer treatment so couldn't have penetrative sex - and I felt like this was my fault too.

We went ahead and met women twice for threesums. I got horrifically drunk both times, the first I convinced myself it was ok - my ex was more loving towards me afterwards and I branded it a success. The second time I cried throughout and was physically sick afterwards.

My ex - in retrospect - was abusive, disrespectful and totally taking advantage of my wanting to please him, my mental state and my guilt after my cervical treatment. We both took advantage of the girls that we had sex with, as we used them for to try and salvage our relationship. I have to live with that knowledge.

My ex left me when my mental health deteriorated even more, I was paranoid but I felt like I had dug myself into a hole where I had said I was ok with it, and after that it was hard to draw the line and say, actually, no this isn't ok.

It turned out my ex had been having affairs and using prostitutes when we were together.. I came home one day to find he had moved all his things out and had moved in with the OW.

I have just had a year of psychotherapy, and I had a moment where I thought, what the hell was I doing?? If I had said to a "normal" caring man, look I know we haven't had sex lately, would you like to shag someone else - they would probably say, "love, don't be mental, I only want you and I'll wait" That's the normal response!!! Any other response is abusive.

Your self esteem has been squashed and squashed as you have buried your needs and wants in order to put your partners first, to try and hang on to your relationship, and so you aren't thinking of this clearly, even though you think you are.

Please listen to us all, I have deliberately not name changed (slightly mortifying but hey ho!) so you can see I am a "real" person. I hope you can come back and get more help from the people here - you need to listen to that tiny voice inside you that made you post on here in the first place. I went through hell, it made things a million times worse, please try and save yourself from that.

Ok.... I'm off to hide now after telling everyone that Blush

Darkesteyes · 14/08/2013 14:46

Oh sillymilly im so sorry to hear what youve been through. Sad
Your ex was a selfish abusive bastard Angry

I really hope you are doing ok now both emotionally and physically.

BinarySolo · 14/08/2013 14:49

Don't hide sillymillyb. Really brave and powerful post. Look how far you've come from where you were. I'm so sorry that there are these horrid selfish men out there that prey on women when they're so vulnerable.

Op, if you do want to do this, please work on you self esteem first and don't do it through desperation.

Like so many others have said though, I think you can do way better than your dh.

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 14/08/2013 15:10

Thank you for sharing SillyMillyb - you're exceptionally brave Flowers

sillymillyb · 14/08/2013 16:07

Oh god I'm not, I was just in a crappy situation and made some rubbish decisions that I hope the OP can maybe relate to. Some men really are bastards, and its having the strength and self esteem to recognise that rather than justify it. I really hope OP comes back but I suspect it might be too early on for them to see this at the minute, I hope not.

AnyOldFucker · 14/08/2013 16:13

I suspect we are talking to the hand right now (wrt the op) but thanks milly and I am sorry you learned your lesson the hard way

if op is a real person contemplating demeaning herself so for the sake of an abusive man, then so will she

PramQueen1971 · 14/08/2013 16:14

Really brave, Silly, excellent post.

AgathaF · 14/08/2013 16:18

Brave post sillymilly. I hope you are in a better place now. It was good of you to share your experience with the OP, who appears to have left the building.

Absy · 14/08/2013 17:36

So, let me get this straight - your DH cheated on you, and now you're back together. In order to stop him from straying (and possibly because you're bi-curious), you've suggested having threesomes.

I also think that this could only end in disaster - the rationale isn't because both parties are happy with the relationship, and are happy with the idea of adding other parties into their relationship, it's so one person can keep the other party. If it was a truly mutual decision, it could work, but as it is, it probably won't. What if he decides to just make it a twosome, without you? Would you be happy with that? Also, you seem to indicate that i would be FFM, largely to please him. What are his views on a FMM threesome so you get to have sex with other men? Is that on the cards?

You seem to be super keen to do anything to keep the affection of a man who doesn't appear to be concerned about your feelings - if he did, he wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2013 01:10

Sending you good wishes, Silly; sorry you had such a rotten time and I hope you are feeling better now.

differentnameforthis · 15/08/2013 10:22

is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone?

Not when he made vows to do exactly that, no!

and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology

Has he told you this? Because of so, it is bullcrap! It isn't in anyone's 'biology' to sleep around after getting married. It is something he says to justify his actions.

If he really loved you, in my opinion, this wouldn't be necessary. I have been married 20yrs & my dh doesn't feel the need to introduce another person into our bed for any reason & if I suggested it he would be doing his level best to tell me it is not something that we needed.

The fact that your dh is all ready to go ahead is a major reg flag for me.

differentnameforthis · 15/08/2013 10:22

its just sex which is the problem

Sex isn't the problem. Your dh is.

nkf · 15/08/2013 10:27

Just ditch it all and do something else.

MissDD1971 · 15/08/2013 10:32

No no no no no.

Why the hell do you want him to sleep with someone else other than you?

Also, has he come back or you asked him to come back after he left you 2 years ago?

I'll give you an example of a friend of mine - abroad. She's a SAHM/W with 2 early teen DDs (adopted). her DH works away from home a lot (every week, hotel stays). She resents him for this but it's his work, it always has been and he doesn't want to change careers/jobs. She told me recently she's wanted and has had threesomes with both men and women but not with DH but he has heard about it. These threesomes seem to have done nothing for her sex life (they were not exciting to her). Her DH I don't know what he thinks. My friend has also had sex and an affair with a friend of a friend but he lives other side of country and that has gone nowhere and is messed up with his wife etc. That was more emotional and affected both her and the friend. Her DH doesn't know about that either. My friend has also tried to spice up her sex life to no avail.

What has the threesome stuff done? Nothing apart from give her bored life a bit more variety. but the underlying boredom/issues are still there.

I love my friend don't get me wrong but I wouldn't be surprised if he divorces her in due time for this, I know I couldn't put up with this in a relationship.

It's all about your self esteem and allowing yourself and your DH to take you for a fool. Which is what happens. Hardly ever do open relationships work out as one or other person gets jealous.

Tiredemma · 15/08/2013 10:45

Where is the OP?