Letting my partner sleep with other women

[Wanttopatchitup]

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

I was also wondering what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

I would argue that your already low level of self esteem will sink even further into the ground if you did go ahead with this mad scheme you've dreamed up.

It takes two to make a marriage work; what you're proposing just prolongs your own agonies.

Alpca, i suppose there is some of that yes, wanting to please him and be accomodating to his needs and desires.

When you love someone isnt that what you do?? Im trying to come from a place of love for my husband here.

Let me tell you about my DH.

He has a high sex drive and was a very heavy pornography user for many years. This skewed his view of women and he was unfaithful to me several times early in our relationship. All drunken one offs, mostly just kissing and a grope. All grim and unacceptable to me.

He felt terrible about it and hated himself because he didn't want to hurt me, he really did love me.

Finally, he confessed all to me (and I mean ALL) and cried his eyes out begging for forgiveness. I forgave him and we worked together to sort stuff out.

It has been a long and difficult journey, but he is utterly devoted to me and would be horrified at the thought of being with another woman.

I am several stone heavier than when we first got together and my sex drive is pretty low due to new baby etc, but he knows that the best way he can show me that he loves me is to have some self control! He still thinks my big, fat naked body is sexy as hell, and respects me by not looking at other women. He says that not looking at other women makes him love and fancy me more.

Why am I telling you this? Because this is an example of how, IMVHO, a marriage can be rebuilt after unfaithfulness if the person who cheated has the right attitude. I don't believe your 'D'H loves you, and I think the best thing you can do is chuck him, and hold out for someone who loves you for you, and not for what you'll turn a blind eye to.

Good luck OP, you deserve better than this and I hope you'll find it.

he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous.

What utter bollocks. He's a dickhead and not worth keeping.

relationships need a bit of give and take to make them work. we can all see what you are willing to give but what is your husband willing to give?
this can work in some relationships bit you have to be doing it for both of you. there are other ways to have sexual variety than three somes have you though about going to Ann summers and getting some toys for you both or outfits and Do some role playing?

Sex is just a bodily function for most men, he says he loves me, but he needed variety sexually and thats why he left, at least he is being honest.

If i can give him sexual variety and excitement within our marriage, then he says he would love me all the more for understanding and accepting his needs, he will be able to be his true self with me and we can explore our desires together

For an interesting and more reasoned perspective try listening to a few episodes of Dan Savage's podcast about sex and relationships. you could even call the show and I think you'll get a more balanced point of view there. I think it can work, I know people it works for, and in ages past I tried some exciting stuff myself :)

The people I know in open relationships, polyamorous relationships etc don't claim that they don't feel jealousy. Everyone feels it. It's how you manage it, deal with it, and what significance you give it that's different. You can set boundaries - like no p-in-v sex with others, for example, and you can define whatever rules work for you both.

He has to realise, acknowledge etc that what he did before - ie non-monogamy without consent - was wrong.

If you go ahead with it, I think you need to get something out of it too. Sounds like you (might) get a few things you want: him on honest terms, some chances to fool around with other people yourself, and hopefully some fun times. Don't listen to the shrill cries of 'you must have no self-esteem' blah blah blah. Sex just isn't that defining for everyone, it's not your identity or your whole life. How you structure your sex life doesn't have to define your self-esteem; you can set it up however you want. But if you two are completely sexually incompatible and sex is really important to (one or both of) you then it might not work out.

he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous.

He's talking out of his arse there. I know many men who do not "dream" of that! My husband is certainly not like that.

Do you actually want to have sex with a woman?

If not, how are all those threesomes going to work? With you as unwilling prop while your husband bonks other women?

It's really sad that you would consider going to these desperate lengths to keep this man. It would be one thing if you actually wanted to try it and see if you liked threesome, but seriously, not like this.

What have you got to lose?

Your self respect?!

You have been given advice. We just aren't saying what you want to hear.

You haven't read anything? You haven't answered repeated questions by posters about your own happieness and what does this shitbag soulmate do to make you happy.

So (and I am being sarcastic now and putting it in bold because you will probably read it,)

Go ahead, have the threesome; it sounds like it is what your husband wants. By making him happy it will make you happy; it will mean he definately won't cheat on you, I do not see how this could end badly. It is a win-win situation, you keep your husband and he gets his variety. I really think this will make you even stronger as a couple and you would appreciate and value each other more. This would probably even raise your self esteem. Go for it! It sounds like you have thought about this and really listened to advice and other peoples stories on this and it will make your husband happy, therefore making you happy. They are all wrong if they think it won't work.

again, in case you don't understand; the above paragraph is sarcasm. SARCASM

So do what you want, you aren't listening to any advice or opinions or general worries about you op. why did you even post? This isn't going to end well, you asked for advice and the truth, you got it and you don't like if.

You don't want advice you just want the green light to go ahead.

If that is the case, why don't you try swingers clubs for a while?
I'm not convinced this is what you want, but if you have already decided this is what you want make sure you set and agree a set of rules/guidelines.........

:( this is NOT every mans dream i'm afriad.

My DH also has a high sex drive, me? Not so much, however he only wants me. if i'm not in the mood, he doesn't go off and cheat. That is not normal nor is it in every mans biology.

I was a size 12 when we met, we had a daughter - my weight went up then, he still found me sexually attractive..i went down to a size 6/8 after i had our baby - same thing goes.
He's seen a baby come out of me, seen me being stitched up and basically every embarrassing situation and his feelings have not changed, ever.

Im now very pregnant with our 2nd and my weight has sky rocketed again and he STILL tells me how much he loves me and we still have sexytime..and he goes out and buys me cake at 10pm at night.
Love and Marriage isn't about weight.
He should be supporting you not fucking about.

You sound abit brainwashed.

Will you get to sleep with other men? Look up www.morethantwo.com/, but beware. This sounds like a case of relationship broken, add more people. Make sure what you know what you want yourself (apart from him).

This is all about him OP, his wants his needs, and nothing about you. What is he doing to help your marriage? Having threesomes to prevent your husband straying is just...well...wtf??

It sounds like you have very low self esteem and he is manipulating you. This isn't about you equally agreeing to try something new, this is you desperately trying to keep man who has already cheated on you from doing it again.

The other solution OP is to find a man who loves you.

If you send your question to Dan Savage, OP, you may get a very different answer than here on MN.

Afussy,

Thank you so much for your advice, this is exactly how i feel, sex isnt that defining for me, i want my husband to be his true self, not feeling that he has to pretend, like so many other men, that he doesnt fancy other women, fantansie about making love to them, look at porn etc, when it is most likely that they do.

To me, being with my husband as a friend, a companion, a person is more important than monogoany, of course i want him sexually, but i know that he wants to explore sex with other women as he has told me.

So if we can enjoy this together and it makes him happy why shouldnt we?

Seeing as you've got your fingers in your ears and going 'lalalalalalalalala I can't hear you ' and are ignoring what's been advised here you may as well find somebody who is willing to shag the pair of you.

How are you going to go about this?

Oh sweetheart, I think you should see people's reactions as being defensive of and concerned for YOU. How would you feel if your best friend or sister was confiding in you about a situation like this?

My main question is, what if you have threesomes fortnightly for the next year, and then he leaves again or cheats outside that, or goes off with someone else anyway? Don't you think the fact that you may have pretended to love watching other women fuck your husband, and maybe even with slept with people you felt half-hearted about for his enjoyment, will come back to haunt you then? Won't that just make your self-esteem crash back down even further than it is now?

Am I right in thinking that youv'e done a bit of reading up on this kind of relationship already (polyamory)? Because I recognise a lot of your language from that kind of culture. Thinking everyone else is terribly square and miserable and that you will be "free" etc. Whereas the reality, if you're doing it for someone else, is that you'll be washing the sheets on which the person you love has fucked another woman six ways from Sunday.

Also you say: "i just want to create a marriage which allows each partner to be who they really are, without the constraints of gulit and duty which holds so many of us down". If your husband hadn't left you, do you think you'd be suggesting threesomes to him? And if not, what makes you think it's who you "really are"?

Nobody needs variety in sexual partners. That's just rubbish! People might want it, in which case they stay single or negotiate open relationships from the beginning. Getting married, then cheating on your wife isn't ethical and it isn't a 'need' or 'his true self' it's just seedy.

Good luck with this, I think you are going to get your heart well and truly broken and the sad thing is you will stay around a lot longer because you 'gave him permission' and you 'said you were ok with it' and you won't feel like you can hold your hand up and say enough.

If he wanted variety he shouldn't have got married.

If you do this because you love him where is his love for you?

And if you loved yourself even a tiny bit you would see you deserve so much more than this shit.

Setting aside what you plan to do, why would you think this will work?

Someone who is happy with their partner but wants 'sexual variety' would have affairs, one night stands etc. They wouldn't leave them for another woman as your DH did.

what have I got to lose?

Erm..

1. Your self respect
2. His respect for you
3. Your dignity
4. Any chance of a future of monogamy with him

... At the very least. OP, you seem to be waiting for someone to say "great idea! Go for it!" That ain't gonna happen IMO

Was your H faithful to the OW he left you for?