Letting my partner sleep with other women

[Wanttopatchitup]

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

And in answer to your latest question.

Yes, if he truly LOVES you.

People have a choice imo, sure some people want to have lots of partners, in which case go off and do that, some chose the security of a monogamous relationship. Each has pro's and con's, each is a choice, having both of these things has to be accepted and wanted by both partners and (again imo) it is rare that a relationship survives this.

You say he loves you, but cannot accept your size, or the lack of variety you offer him, which I why I think you deserve someone who loves you for who you are.

You know, it all depends on honesty. You need to be honest with yourself firstly. Can you be happy and fulfilled in a relationship where your partner sleeps with other people? If you can, genuinely, then I suppose it could work. But if you're suggesting this because deep down you don't feel 'good enough', and you want to hang on to this man at any cost, it won't work at all. It will kill you. It would never be an equal, respectful relationship. So it really depends on your true feelings.

Whilst you may find this idea a solution of sorts I agree with Mummybookworm in that it will end in tears.

I understand why this solution may seem a good idea as you get to keep your man, and he gets to be sexually satisfied, but I think it will leave you feeling out in the cold in the end.

Threesomes are a tricky thing and I think you need to consider the dynamics of this because once you go with it and make it part of your bedroom life it will be difficult to remove it if it ends up making you unhappy. You need to think about how you will feel watching him having sex with another woman, about how you feel if you think he is being too intimate with her....like what if he is stroking her face, looking into her eyes, kissing her passionately etc. Do you not think that watching him do this would be completely soul destroying for you??? How will you feel if during the threesome he pays more attention to this other lady than you, you will feel left out no?, and what happens if he finds sex so exciting during threesomes he then isn't interested in sex with you at any other time?

I think this can only leave you hurt, whilst giving him his cake and letting him eat it! Also don't assume that just because you allow the threesomes that it will make him faithful to you, because it won't.

I don't know what sort of a hold this man has over you to make you consider such a thing, but I think you are risking so much of your self esteem, self confidence and self respect by agreeing/suggesting this. Please please work on loving yourself more, because I fear that loving him will leave you feeling worthless if you let this happen.

I am not angry, love. I am sad.

Sad that you feel so worthless, that you let him treat you this way.

Sad that you think that holding on to this man is worth proposing this demeaning idea.

If you said, 'I really like the idea of a threesome and think it might perk up our sex life, which has been a bit stale recently', you would have different responses.

It is all about him. Where are YOU?

You can do exactly as you like, its your life ( though it wounds a pretty stupid plan to me) Just where do you think you can find this wet blanket of a woman to join you at your whim? Would she want to have sex with your DH under these conditions? "if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting." Even better, You'll tell he to clear off when you think appropriate. This is really quite abusive behaviour to the other woman. If you really want your DH to find satisfaction elsewhere, quite frankly, you would probably be kinder to let him do it the usual way.

Having been in a non-monogamous relationship, I think what you're proposing is going to propel you into disaster.

I'm not angry either. I just feel so sorry for you.

What I would really like you to do is to join Slimming World and find some really great support for yourself as you lose the weight that's making you unhappy, then tell that idiot to fuck off.

As someone said above - to be soulmates it has to be mutual. He's not your soulmate if he's shagging other women. He's just a man who makes you feel bad about yourself and has managed to persuade you that that's your fault.

can i expect a highly sexed man to say faithful to me for life?
Of course you can. That's what being in a loving relationship is all about.
You love that person, respect them and treat them as you would want to be treated.
He sounds awful and you need to realise that he is a total cock and not worth any more of your head space.
Do NOT agree to this. It will destroy you in the end.
I'm not sure how easy it is to access, but you should consider doing the freedom programme (Womens Aid) on line. It may help you understand why you are willing to put up with this kind of treatment.

Sorry, I know this goes against MN rules but I just can't believe this thread.

I agree that monogamy is not right for everyone - but for an open/swinging marriage to work, it really has to be because both partners want it - not to just stop one partner straying.

I think you need to examine your self esteem here - why do you want to hang onto this man who has treated you so badly? Are you sure this is how your true soulmate should treat you?

Plus, I wonder whether in reality you would be happy with the actual reality of a threesome. Do you want to sleep with another woman? Fine if the answer's yes - but if the answers no, just keeping the husband happy, then this solution's not the one.

I'd like to widen the discussion (if it hasn't already been done) to suggest -

If he would like open sexual relationships and is happy with that, are you? Without him? Is that something you would be into if he weren't on the scene? If not, I think you would be doing this purely for him, and as such I think it would go against your nature and ultimately make you unhappy.

How would he feel about you having threesomes with another man for you? Or is it purely for him? Is it an equal thing - is what I am asking.

If he is highly sexed, did he have any right to make a commitment to you for life, and if so, what was he thinking?

Are you highly sexed? is that the issue - your sex drives don't match? Do you both need to find someone that does match? You (like many of us) more moderately sexed, and monogamous - he more highly sexed and wanting open sexual relationships?

I know they do happen - I have seen them - one of my friends was polyamorous - she said it did work as long as people didn't have any issues and expectations and jealousies - and there's the rub for me.

I would not be OK with this. I don't want sex with lots of men.

That's the thing I think you have to ask - are you doing this to keep him? I suspect so - and I suspect it may not work, for as much as you say you are soulmates, you cannot be, otherwise you would match his sexual desires....and you do not...and his do not match yours.....

rather than invite another woman into your bedroom I would suggest you concentrate on finding a way to get some some self-esteem.

Your suggestion of a threesome is a disaster. Im not surprised your DH is all up for it. Its beyond ridiculous.

I too am sad for you.

No, just no!
You are aware that your DH does not fancy you as he used to, why would you want to rub your face in it by having a threesome with the third being someone he presumably does fancy!
You are being blinkered about this and only doing it to please him and hang onto him.
If he was truly your soulmate he would not even consider it and have more respect for your sense of self worth.

Oh, ffs. I should have known better.

dear OP

I think you have self esteem issues, big time

men can, are are faithful. loving men

I really hope it's not real. That would be a huge relief.

All,

I am not a troll (which I did point out earlier as I know that has been happening recently) and am not writing an article.

I do know how I can prove it to you, but this is my life and my dilemma.

I just needed some advice on whether this was a reasonable apporach to take. I don't want to lose my husband and was willing to try an open marriage.

I think its mental, sorry. I understand that you want to be with this man but he doesn't want to be with you enough to stop acting on his every selfish desire.

Any,

I can assure you I am not a troll, I am 36 year old average woman, married, work in mananagement- all round very boring!

I know that this sounds unbelievable, I understand that, but it is something I have been thinking about for a while now.