Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
What couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25
CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 11/08/2013 23:36
December cant come quickly enough Pony.
Im on my next DIY project at the momenr better which is taking up my evenings so not much chance of early bed. At least it means I dont need to talk to FW. 
nini do you watch Strictly (Come Dancing)? Millions of women are helped through to nearly the end of the year by following this! I found it very helpful when in early stages of my divorce 
:)
Lol Silvery that made me laugh! It all makes sense now! Not a strictly fan myself but tempted to take up viewing if it drowns out the FWittery. Who knew eh
Silvery 
I thought you were all about the Archers and the llama dramas 
Not been able to find this thread for a couple of days - so glad it's still here!
Pearl so sorry to hear your situation
silvery big fan of "it takes two here" I fall asleep to it on iplayer when I need to clear my mind of all FWing that has been going on
I've never admitted to anyone in RL but I also use the archers and ambridge extra for this! Although I now enjoy them too much and they don't put me to sleep anymore.
I think the tide is turning here. No more mr nice guy. FW got into a foul mood last night as I did something heinous (carried the iPad upstairs with the charger on top of it). He stomped around a lot and then went to sleep in the spare room. This morning he has been as nice as pie but I think he is struggling to keep it up and it won't be long until we are back to normal.
My breakup fund is not mounting up as quickly as I would like.
Hope everyone has a lovely FW free day
Lickety sorry but I had to laugh (then get 
) about your predicament.. carrying the charger on top, wtf?? Is that so utterly unforgivable? That sort of thing happens to me a lot getting caught doing something I didn't know was wrong and the worst thing is there is nothing you can do to undo the 'damage' and in my H's case he will go on and on and on about it. Even when I've said I'm sorry over and over, and there's nothing you can do to put things right. It's just that they want to have an excuse to get angry.
I haven't been keeping up here but the FW is getting worse. And has become unbearable just recently as we booked a holiday, so I guess he thinks he has us over a barrel and we should be soooo grateful. I was looking forward to it but now I'm not. Not sure what to think. I started a thread about it this morning and it's helped so much to get some perspective.
We still have the ongoing shoe issue which reared its ugly head again the other day. I am 'not allowed' to wear shoes that make a noise as I walk along, ie boots (don't worry, I have a MAJOR collection of boots that I love that he doesn't even know about that make noise, just a walking-along noise, but I don't EVER wear them around him) so I have some rubber soled leather clogs (more stylish than they sound!) and these are the only things I wear around him. Well we went for a walk and he could hear a noise coming from them... not sure if it was the sound of them coming back onto my heel (which would indicate SLOPPY STEPPING on my part) or just the sound they made touching the ground (not sure I could have done anything about that). Well he got in such a huff that he walked off and sat on a bench. I had to stand quietly until he decided to get back up, and basically had to tiptoe for the rest of the day. The truth is that he thinks that he has flagged up to me that he doesn't want my shoes to make any noise and thinks that by not wearing plimsoles constantly I am disrespecting him. I cannot be myself if I'm wearing plimsoles and the thought of being forced to feels like my soul will shatter into a thousand pieces. I just cannot do this anymore.
I am so looking forward to telling him to f** off. But I'm worried that he is mentally unstable-- or that he thinks he is, even if he isn't and that will be an excuse to really explode if I make him 'really mad'.
Lickety I recognised your crime as completely awful as soon as you described it!!!!! I used to have to be similarly severely reprimanded for my mistakes. 
thatsnot 
that your H is getting worse. TBH, he's not going to get better, and he will continue getting worse until you surrender and give in to do whatever it is he wants, or else leave. The shoe thing is awful - it's classic FW. He doesn't like your shoes making a noise, so no matter that he is being unreasonable in making you wear shoes to suit him, he only sees it as you objecting unreasonably. His thoughts, opinions and feelings are the only ones that count.
The only way to make your life better is to leave. If he is mentally unstable then you would be better of getting away from him anyway. But he isn't, I don't think, he's just a selfish, entitled FW. Your life could free of all this.
lickety i listen to archers AE podcast to get to sleep too. the kids think TA theme is the ice cream van.
thatnot jeezo. that shoe thing is ridiculous.[big orange knob of entitlement] how controlling is that.
lickety that is nothing. i once lost the lid of a bic pen and put a spoon in the fork section in the drawer!!!! And the thing is having been asked
told not to do it once, i never did it again. but how many many times did i ask him to open the curtains if he was last out or to pull the plug out after the dishes only to be ignored or called a nagging bitch...or even better the classic time he told me 'if you want the curtains open ask your fuvking friends i am sick of you asking me you never ask them to do anything.' WTAF??
Fws one and all. wouldn't it be marvellous to make them all go and live in a FW flat share.
I can post again!
thatsnot your post about the shoes reminded me of something - when I was pregnant, in the depths of winter, I wore a very comfy pair of flat boots some days. FW took massive offence to these boots since he insisted they didn't have enough grip on the soles. At the time I just thought he was being 'concerned' for mine/baby's welfare, now I see differently. Luckily it didn't stop me wearing them as I love those boots - still wear them in winter now and have still never even come close to slipping in them. Keep making those baby steps - in the shoes that make noise!
My FW wouldn't survive in a flat share. He'd alienate even the hardest of FW'ers with his pompousness.
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