Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
What couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25
CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 11/08/2013 23:36
Hey Nora. If he wasn't a FW, you could have a reasonable conversation with him about why did he think they were saying that, had anything bad happened, or any rows or anything that would make them grumpy about going back? But he is, so you can't. What do they seem like when they come back? I know sometimes kids can be reluctant to go places but then have a good time while they are there, DS1 can be like that with some things. But if they come back quiet or unsettled, maybe it's time to have a think about what's best for the kids. In that scenario, the move might be good for them! Could you say to him that it's not acceptable for him to speak to you like that in front of the kids if you are a little late? Email him about it, maybe?
Things here are good, I'm out well over a year now, and properly finished with him around 8 months. Our house is now all sold as of last month, and I'm feeling positive about the future! 
LOL at reasonable conversation with H! Seriously, life would be so much easier if we could just talk about things (prob the same for everyone here!). I once tried saying something along the lines of 'The most important thing now is to do the best for the DDs, so we should try to speak to each other about things, and explain our problems so that we can find a solution' His response? Oh, fuck off, will you? I am how I am and if anyone doesn't like it they can fuck off. That is his stock response, actually. I remember saying similar things to my mates as a dreadful 14 year old
H is a lot stricter than I am, and thinks that I am slack with discipline and childcare. I suppose I am, but I get the girls fed, dressed, entertained and to school on time, etc. so can't be that hopeless. He doesn't like anyone speaking at mealtimes, making a mess, getting clothes dirty, things like that. It's a cultural thing I think, when I was in his home country last year his parenting style was quite similiar to his sisters' although she doesn't shout or swear which makes all the difference.
He smacked DD1 a couple months ago (I nearly started a thread about it but couldn't face all the explanations I'd have to do) and she refused to see him after that. I supported her then, and told H that if it happens again I will stop contact with both DDs and we will sort it out in court. There has been no repeat incident. I feel awful making them go to see him when they say they don't want but I worry that if they stay with me even more than they do ATM it will be the start of losing contact with him.
I would absolutely love to move away, but must do what is best for the DDs. It's figuring out what 'best' is that is the trouble!
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What's your house like Rose?
I'm very proud of you. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
Onwards and upwards!
Teeny
RVW hi. sounds like you are really in need of some support. welcome.
sorry you are going through so much. I second contacting WA when you feel up to it. making a plan so you have something to hold on to. an maybe reading Lundy if you can face it.
we are here any time you need a rant, a moan, a shoulder to cry on or anything else we can manage.
also if possible, disengage and separate yourself from him as much as you can whilst still staying together for your dcs.
Jackie he can because he is a FW. same as mine can walk away from his dcs. he is a FW. they are not nice people.
charlotte glad you are moving on. I think it is better for the dcs to know as much as is appropriate for their age. no reason why he should dictate that.
waves to everyone else. I should really get in the quiet carriage and work too. and not be chatting to Irish boys on dating sites...oh no...not me.
mink
Hey Colin - sometimes these things resurface when you least expect it - it could have been triggered by something. Read through your old posts again, including the ones recently talking about how much better your life is without him. But don't beat yourself up for whatever you are feeling. Have an early night and tomorrow focus on yourself and doing something nice, a pre-winter pedicure maybe with all that money you aren't spending on him any more. Or some nice flowers.
colin I often have wistful moments. after all the greasy bloaters did come with a nice garnish and a very tasty sauce. if they were all bad we would never have gone there. but underneath it all, still a greasy bloater (sorry silvery if I am maligning the bloaters
you can substitute in mutton and swede slump)
rose I knew today was the day - not been able to get on for a couple of days. Good luck - hope you are ok and settle and peaceful.
Waving at the new people hope to chat to you soon as it is late and have mounds of things I should be doing, at the moment I just can't seem to get off the roundabout of things that need doing- glad it's theraphy day tomorrow. My question is - do I just take too much on or can I just not cope with what I should?
I like ponys advice colin look after yourself .
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