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just need to talk to someone!

16 replies

thatsnotmynamereally · 13/09/2013 09:37

I've posted about my abusive H before, first time last November found this site back when I was in a state of utter anger and frustration, and it has great, I've read Lundy Bancroft and my H ticks all the boxes abusive. I received really good advice on the EA thread and basically I know, or I think I know, I need to do something ie LTB. But I've been trying to hold things together until the kids have left home, which is imminent, just because after 20-odd years of this (I believe that his real abusive nature emerged after the birth of DS although OMG all the signs were there from the beginning) I don't want to rock the boat too much, I have absolutely no idea how he'd react and I haven't wanted to be responsible for bringing down the whole house of cards which is our lives-- as it is, I can cope with his moods, anger etc and 'manage' his behaviour (I know, I know, I shouldn't but it is habit). Please don't remind me it isn't a healthy atmosphere for the kids. I know.

We have two kids, 18 and 20, DS is at uni but been home all summer, he goes back next week. DS and H have a pretty bad relationship I would say, he's a great kid, doing great at uni but he won't do as H says, plus he hasn't got a job this summer. So basically he gets left alone, although I hear no end of comments such as 'DS is a little sh*t' which I hate hearing and it's not true. DD is off to uni for the first year, in October. I have really wanted things to go smoothly for her sake. She's worked really hard and got a place at an Oxbridge uni, we were on tenterhooks all summer waiting for results day and all was fine-- now she's really looking forward to going (and getting away?!) and I'm so excited for her. I think H is jealous of the kids. I'm not working at the moment (long story, he 'made' me quit my job and now he constantly throws it in my face that I don't work) and he constantly talks about how we are all sponging off of him and 'bleeding him dry'.

Basically we've made it this far over the summer just by coping and doing what he says. He hasn't got much work on at the moment so has insisted on spending time 'larking about' at our weekend home. DS refuses to come, DD and I have spend almost all of our summer here when we would have rather stayed in London.

OK. Now for the problem. He'd said all summer that (if all went well with DD's results day) he would take us all on a family holiday. So we started looking a few weeks ago, wanted to go to Pompeii but couldn't find anything cheap enough to Italy. It was a real trial looking for something, what I though would be a nice, fun research exercise became anxiety fraught and tedious. I, and DD and DS, said OK we don't really need a holiday, perhaps we should just go out for a nice meal etc etc and go on holiday at a later day, but then he started on about how awful his life was and how he needed sun etc and how he needed a holiday in the sun... Eventually he just yelled at me to book something, anything, and I booked something in Greece at a relatively reasonable rate, at a nice looking resort, all-inclusive. Initially all was happy, we saw friends last Friday and I remember telling everyone how ridiculously excited I was to be going.

But since we booked the holiday, it must have been 10 days ago and we're leaving next Wednesday, he has become so abusive-- I can't think of any other way to describe his behavior. It hasn't really been one thing, it's been everything. It's that I do everything wrong.

On Monday all hell broke loose when he looked at the savings account and there wasn't as much money as he had thought should be there. He has always left all banking and running of the accounts to me as a result he has no idea how much we spend, he's been happy just to spend as it comes in without really thinking. Which is quite fun, and I am not saying I'm perfect, I should have anticipated this situation (plus I think I've spent too much on myself on clothes over the summer sort of telling myself that I deserved it for putting up with his awful selfish behaviour. Not my best decision but I like everything I bought, no regrets). I swear he NEVER indicated that any of this would be a problem, it took me completely by surprise and he came down on me like a ton of bricks verbally of course, never physical violence. I think he's just brought it up now to be abusive and to turn the focus onto how good he is/bad I am. He was looking at how much has gone out every month (I had to print out statements for him as he cannot figure out how to do internet banking. Idiot.) Basically he's shocked at how much we actually spend-- or as he says I SPEND. But from my point of view it was OK (?) as we weren't particularly extravagant but the expense of running two houses plus loads of petrol to get back and forth, and we never skimped on food, he insists on the best, champagne etc. And I have accounted for it all, even what I've spent on myself.

I am so glad that thanks to finding this site I know what he is fundamentally like or else I would be twisted up in knots right now. As it is I'm constantly trying to placate him and not engage with his vicious tirades but it is so difficult and emotionally all consuming.

So last night was perhaps a final straw-- he'd asked me to look into renting a car in Greece, I did the research and sent him details by email, but wasn't sure if he wanted to rent an automatic, which was more expensive. Also I started having second thoughts about renting a car as we won't really need one. Plus I thought about whether or not I really want to get into a car with him after a 4 hour plane ride, at night, in an unknown area. He drives viciously and erratically when he's in a bad mood.

He exploded with anger when he got home because evidently, even though he'd seen my email I 'cannot even do one simple thing. How hard is it to hire a car? It should take you 5 seconds to do that'... his words. So no discussion of what to hire, whether we really needed it, etc. I booked it. (NB I suspect if I'd booked it without clearing the details with him... whatever I'd booked would have been the wrong thing!)

And now I am wondering if I really want to go on this holiday at all.

How bad would it be to cancel? We'd lose about 2.5k. Maybe it's covered under cancellation insurance? Would the kids be upset with me or would they see my reasons-- specifically, that I don't know if it is safe to go away with him? He may be OK, he keeps us guessing with his moods, and when he's nice everything is fine. DS has already said that he doesn't want to be with him if he's in a bad mood. Am I just being vindictive? This should be our 'one last family holiday' (although I cannot remember that we have ever had one before)

Sorry-- I know no one can really answer these questions but I need to get my head straight. At the moment I'm here alone (in our weekend home) and the kids are in London. He has gone fishing for the day with a friend, he made me come out with him last night (and drove badly) even though I said I wanted to stay home and plan/pack for the trip... sort of tempted to drive back to London and leave him a note saying holiday is off/marriage is off/ I've left... but I don't know if I would actually go through with it.

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purplepinkstars · 13/09/2013 10:12

I'd leave the note and go if I were you, your children will probably thank you for it.

I never thought of my parents marriage as abusive, but I think there was an element of financial abuse, certainly loads of arguments, and toxic family on both sides, with more arguments there. My brother and sister, both older, are both in abusive relationships, they both live far away. My brother told me once I should leave, the family home, as soon as I could.

My point is I suppose, that as soon as they are independent financially, and maybe sooner, they may choose to drop all ties with your H, and if you stay with him, you might see them rarely. It doesn't sound like he brings much joy to any of your lives.

You don't have to stay married if you're not happy, he's broken your vows by being abusive, you've thought of your children, you've considered your H's opinion continually, now it's time to think of yourself.

I Items to ramble when I post, but hope this has helped.