Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[betterthanever]

He quickly turned his reply back on himself and his own feelings your feelings quickly became a side issue - he tried to justify it. There is no justification for it and even if in his head he knew why he had maybe flipped at you not that anything justifies it he should not be putting that on your shoulders - it has nothing to do with you.
You can't do anything about how he feels, he seems to want you to shoulder the burden of his upsets, only he can manage that - all you can do is manage how you move forward. I think I would be tempted to put - that whilst he may think he knows why he did what he did - you can't be on the receiving end of it any more and if it carries on you just can be there any more as it is too painful for you.
Your relationship can only change if he stops breaking it apart by removing the closeness you should have by what he says to you. You can't get him to change how be speaks to you only he can do that. All you can do is refuse to let him speak to you like that by saying such things as `I am sorry but I will not be spoken to like that' it may get to the point where it is too much for you or he may really want to stop reacting to you like this and that would be great for everyone. You can't be on egg shells all the time you deserve so much more you have DC you should be able to talk to each other about anything.
When I said such things it got worse and my exFW starting to say more hurtful things to me and then when I tried to stand up for myself the threats of physical violence started. anyone you will know pretty quickly if he is genuine or not. When I look back my FW would manage to get me to just drop an issue and before I knew it the next one was upon us. I didn't address it right. It was easier at the time for me to just forget it but long term it has caused me no end of problems. He is very surprised now that even as he continues to say - that everything in the past doesn't matter - I refuse to accept that now especially as he is carrying on with the same actions as before. It's very sad, it makes me feel really sad as so much hurt could be so easily avoided but the FW fears loosing what he has and tends to fight tooth and nail for it - I am not saying it will be like that for you Anyone I really hope it is not.

[betterthanever]

crossed posts

[TheSilverySoothsayer]

any if you send the text, leave out 'it is abusive' - even though this is true. I see no reason not to send the rest of it, though it may make no difference at least you will have spelled it out.

[Licketysplit123]

It's about intent to get their own way, have things as they like them and want them, no matter the cost to someone else. Like having another baby. Or ruining a night out as a payback for some perceived slight.

But when I have gathered up all the bits over time, as it takes time, there is a pattern forming and a motive behind each an every one of those incidents - the motive was always the same, to control and manipulation meeting only FW's needs.

Yes Yes Yes!!! Pony and better you've hit a few nails on the head!
God I'm jumping out of my chair practically! It's so amazing that other people know exactly what it's like. I have excellent RL support and I can tell them quite a lot, but they don't quite understand how it gets under your skin and makes you feel consumed by it.

Up until a couple of months ago, I used to be able to get past things and hope things would improve. But the night before we took DD on holiday, he was hideous. I had been working and when he got home, I hadn't finished packing for us all. He shouted, stormed, told me I was useless, started stuffing everything in the car and ruining the packing I had done. I was in bits and so upset and he just stared at me. It's a long story but he basically used that to get us to drive down in the middle of the night which I hadn't wanted to because it wasn't fair on DD. For the rest of the holiday I felt bruised and he spent the whole time saying it was the best holiday ever, wasn't it lovely to have family time, lets have lots of sex bla bla bla.

I haven't felt the same since. Straw that broke the camels back after his shit behaviour ever since i got pregnant. This morning he took DD out and I gave her a kiss goodbye and said "love you baby". As they walked away he said to her "mummy never tells daddy she loves him anymore'. No I dont.

Sorry, that's a long post!!

[ponygirlcurtis]

Lickety that aint no long post, not compared to mine which are usually essays!!!
But yes, sometimes in RL people don't 'get' it, which is why it is important to get advice that is specific to abuse situations, eg from DA counsellors or from Women's Aid.
Your holiday story is just textbook. He wanted to go at a particular time, you didn't and it wasn't good for DD, but his wants trump everything so he engineered that argument to get his own way. Afterwards, he wasn't actually annoyed with you so it was easy for him to move on and enjoy the holiday. Then because you are still reeling (understandably) you are the one ruining the holiday because he is perfectly fine.
It's a mindset, it's a focus with themselves at the centre and no real ability to have empathy towards what other people might be feeling or experiencing. And you can't change mindsets easily. They are pretty well-ingrained.

[betterthanever]

YY pony I think that explains exactly how they work it to their advantage and blame the other person. Family time on his terms - how nice for him - so sorry to hear this happened but if it has been the moment that starts you making things better for yourself then that is good. Were things ok before you got pregnant? lickety my posts are long today..
The fact he voiced his concern over you not saying you love him anymore says a lot - he sounds like my ex - one minute demand man (from Lundy) the next the Victim (Lundy) - to me both pathetic and are just personas to try and gain control over other people.
My bathroom faces a front bedroom and I remember on more than one occasion he came out of the bathroom say in a towel and stormed to the bedroom to shut the door and would then have a go at me for not having shut the door myself so he could not be seen from the road (which you can't anyway)- how did I let this happen on more than one occasion [shocked] how did I not see then that he saw me and anyone else he can get there to meet his needs. And who TF would want to have peeked in on him anyway - he doesn't look like brad pit or any Hollywood film star for that matter
You will be glad to know I have to go to work now so no more ranting on from me today
keep safe and happy ladies. You are kind people.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

it was seemingly quite small things but a host of these things, never resolved broke the relationship into bits.

yyy and y! this is it precisely.

I felt like every time i had to swallow yet another one of the things he had done/said I swallowed a bit of resentment and eventually it polluted my mind and my whole attitude. And I was filled up with anger and resentment. choking on all the things i was forced to swallow. and i used to feel bad because I thought I was poisonous, no wonder we argue when i am,so bitter and angry all the time.

I now realised I was not poisonous I was being poisoned.

Too much forgiveness is bad for you when you are the one who is always doing the forgiving.

Don't get me wrong, i did things wrong too. but I was never forgiven, FW got to bring them up over and over and over again.

but anyone I am with silvery and I meant to say this earlier- it is good for you to know these things, to know why FW does what FW does but it is best not to let them know that you know. for your own safety and because chance are they won't care anyway and a FWs automatic reponse to being told he is abusive is to tell you you are the abusive one.
however, saying he does not respect you is a good line to take as that cuts to the heart of the matter, abusers do not respect their partners.

[PearlJam]

I don't post much, although I lurk a fair bit. I am finding my situation so challenging posting is quite difficult.
I recognise my H (not Dh) in so much of what everyone else posts. They all seem to come from the same mould, don't they?
My child's serious surgery is fast approaching and that in itself is extremely hard to cope with. Without D's carryon. So for the moment I'm keeping my powder dry.
However I just realised that he had mistaken my calm focus for a woman who is filled with forgiveness, understanding and, prob, submission.
What it actually is, is the calm focus of the gunner on a destroyer, watching her target in the cross hairs, waiting for the right moment to fire. He's had a warning shot across the bow, which shocked him, but he's still pretty confident.
Sorry for the martial imagery, but when you tangle with these kind of men, it turns into a battle for your identity, sanity and life.
So for now I stay quiet and focused. My child needs my love and support and I need to stay as strong as I can manage through the coming weeks. This is serious stuff, similar to Tunnock's sad story,

However, in the words of my favourite band. "You thought I'd got my eyes shut, but I was watching you all the fucking time".

Now, after all these years I can see his games, manipulations and, frankly, stupidity. I've stepped out of the black turmoil of his life and mind and am watching it from the outside.
I know he craves the light, peace and happiness I have, but tries to extinguish it. He nearly did. It's like being married to a vampire.

Where'd I put that stake?

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

pearl I have been thinking about you.
Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of detaching. keep him in your crosshairs and fire when ready.

wishing you much strength for the coming days with DC.

[ColinButterfly]

Vixens, I am pleased to report FW is not here at my thingy. I'm bored, eating biscuits and hoping to get out of the social so I can go to my suite halls of residence and drink my gin in peace and quiet and write.

Happy happy happy

[ninilegsintheair]

Hi again Pearl. Hope the surgery goes well.

Unable to post properly still (thanks a bunch MNHQ!!!!!!) but I think I've been rumbled about some money I've been trying to hide. He asked me a question about it earlier and has now gone quiet and stern on me. Eep.

[betterthanever]

I hope the surgery goes well pearl I know where you are not may not be where you want to be but it feels like a big positive step away from where you were and all down to your strength.
Hi Colin - enjoy the gin stay happy.
He may have gone quiet and stern but you still have the cash. Keep safe nini

[TheSilverySoothsayer]

That's as may be, Colin, but how do you think the work you've presented fits in with a post-modern view of the world as proposed by...

Told you I could do academic heckling...

Glad it's worked out :)

[ponygirlcurtis]

Pearl been thinking about you too, I know you'd said the surgery was September. Glad you can see his actions more clearly now and that is giving you the chance to be calm and detach - and to focus your energies on DC who needs it now. Hope all goes well with the surgery, will be thinking of you, let us know anytime you need a rant or a vent, we will be here to listen.

Colin v pleased he's not there and you can enjoy the event. all round!

Nini stay safe sweetie. Don't let him guilt you - you are doing the right thing by building up a secret fund - and try and detach as much as you can.

[Dearjackie]

Help I went on match and have agreed to a date on Friday night. Am I mad? Do you think it's too soon? I told my sister and she said " I thought you were going to be on your own for a while" god it's just a drink no harm In that is there?

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Jackie go for it but keep your wits about you. remember you are on the rebound and you have been through emotionally damaging experience so you are still finding where the bruises are.

Go out. enjoy yourself.

[Dearjackie]

Thanks mink was just looking forward to a drink and a chat but after talking to sister there was a bit of a damper put on it

[ponygirlcurtis]

jackie I agree with mink go for it and enjoy yourself. It's just a date. And what's the worst that can happen? You don't enjoy it/realise you are not ready, and go back to the drawing board. But you might also learn stuff about yourself, what you want from a relationship, what you don't want. And you might even have a bit of a laugh, enjoy some company, even if you don't want a second date.

What other people say to us can have a big influence. Try not to dwell on what your sister has said. It's your choice.

[Dearjackie]

Hi pony yes I think I will go its only a drink after all, who knows I might make a friend and if not well I've lost nothing

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

As long as you go with the attitude that you do not need a partner so you only get together with someone if you would both add something positive to each others lives and also that you owe them nothing. It is only a drink, no obligations.

I agree with pony you can learn interesting things about yourself.

[Dearjackie]

I'm not really looking for a partner it's more of an experiment if you know what I mean and I would like the company obviously

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

jackie I do totally know what you mean

[ninilegsintheair]

Still unable to do a proper post and feeling low. its quiet here, hope everyone's ok.

Jackie, go and enjoy yourself but be safe

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

nini daft question if you cannot post but what is preventing you from posting? That is if you can reply.

Thinking of you.

bounty how are things with you?

[ponygirlcurtis]

Hey nini, sorry to hear you are feeling low. Sending you happy thoughts. Not long now till December and your mortgage fixed rate ends. Sending you much strength.