Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

decides on a couple of sips of something numbing..

wants a quiet week. Enjoy your line of wine Charlotte

might have to slide back out again fairly soon

sorry to hear Happy of your work abuse situation, as you support them, are you in the senior position and able to instigate warnings to them, and liaise with HR over these 'clearly overstepping of boundaries' issues? and actually they are way beyond professional and if an employee, should be facing instant dismissal? Their behaviour is totally unprofessional and unacceptable. Good luck with whatever you decide.

bounty I am having a wry smile that you are having a wry smile instead of falling at his feet in a puddle as intended. Good on ye! And cheers to you.

oh god bounty, the text is inevitable. hes trying to rake back control by pulling your sympathy strings. dont let it, think of the anger, itll help you push through. think more of the freedom the happiness.. but keep the text, because that effectively admitting his outburst. if he does attempt court, you have some proof of his emotional abuse. texts notes missed calls, log the whole
lot down. dont give him a leg to stand on x

Thank you Winnie and Ponygirlcurtis for your advice. I am not a member of the union at the moment. I did think about joining them a few weeks ago. Not sure if they would help you out straight away with a problem if you have just joined or not. I will be sure to document things abit more carefully from now on.
I am beginning to feel a lot better already. I don't know how people manage to stay in relationships for a long time when there is abuse. It makes you feel awful. Especially if you feel that you can't do anything about it.

bounty so very sorry for all you've been through recently. He is talking bullshit, as others have noted, re your dd and your right to leave with her. You're the mother. You have written record of abuse including stated intended abuse of dd when she's older "I wouldn't let her get to your size (10 ffs!!!)" - that is incredibly damning and SS and Cafcass would take this very seriously. Go with your plan, lovey. Don't tell him details and let him sling his arrows at you after you've left, they will be floppy and feeble arrows once you're out of his control.

Tis so sorry the Nigella story is proving so painful for you (and others) to see. I felt desperately outraged seeing her frightened eyes. As for that neanderthal (female!! ) aussie dj who said poor Nigella should be boycotted till she stands up to her abuser - wow, great female solidarity, understanding and support there, not. Very insightful and intelligent, again, not. Grrrrrrrrrr.

I was watching some US comedy called Whitney tonight. The boyfriend was pestering the main character for sex while she was not in the mood. It stirred up so much disgust and fury for me, it made me realise how much the sex pestering has devastated me over the years without me knowing. I was alone in room and was snapping aloud, fuck off, fuck off and feeling so furious and totally creeped out - grrr. How can they put that in a tv programme in a lighthearted way when it is an abuse so many women suffer under?

hi all.
sorry not to reply to everyone but and waves, welcomes and hugs.

bounty what a FW. but yes all bluster.

charlotte big warm chsur by the fireside to you making it in through the howling gale.

better washing this whole court thing would be over soon.

my FW punished the dcs again today for something I did. sent them both home in tears.

bernard's back!

sorry to hear punishing the dc's [scowl & grrr...] just crap, shit and fucking ridiculous.... they will get sick of him hun. they come home to your peace and love and reassurance, he will turn them against him (despite using your name to do it!). They know you for your safety and security, consistency and lack of generally being anything like him. Strength for watching this unfold, and their changing hearts and minds over it. xxx

mink so sorry for your kids. Just sad, how can he be so selfish?

Tis you are such an inspiration... sorry if the Nigella pics cause painful memories for you but this is interesting, isn't it? to see CS's textbook justification of what he did, 'playful tiff' etc, and I think such an insult to say that he sent NL and the kids away to wait for the dust to settle-- I wish she'd come out and say that she took the initiative to get away from him. I wonder if she's read 'Why does he do that'? I feel like sending it to her!

I 'tested' my H with the story yesterday-- mentioned that it had been all over the news (he hadn't heard about it or chose not to listen!) and I casually showed him the pics on my computer, as in 'hmmm an interesting story, wonder what CS has to say about this' and fairly predictably H said 1) it doesn't look that bad 2) it's not a real story 3) (to me) of course you would take HER side (I along with many am a big Nigella fan) eh? I didn't think there were 'sides' in this story!... he stopped short of saying that she must have done something to deserve it, I think he is somewhat tuned in to me standing my ground more these days and calling him for anti-feminist views, DD is doing this constantly and she can get away with it (because she's doing her A levels now).

I have a situation which I'm dreading. I've got a social engagement lined up for Saturday night which doesn't involve H and I haven't told him about yet. I need to ask him if it's OK for me to go, which means a lot of smoothing over, lining up something for him to do, etc. If he makes such a fuss that I cannot go my friends will be upset that I can't go and wondering why I can't stand up to him. But it could go either way, he might be OK with it. I'm really annoyed with myself that I bought the ticket but it was ages ago, 6 months ago, in fact just after I posted on her for the first time and I was sure that I would be in a different situation by this time nothing at all has changed ridiculous that I cannot go out with (middle aged women) friends for one night without asking like being a teenager and having to ask parents. I have procrastinated dreadfully about telling him.

I did think about calling a friend who he knows and having her invent an excuse for me, like saying she is going too and it's a girls night out, as certain friends are 'approved'. But it's too much trouble and I don't want to involve her.

DD's last exam is Friday, she has one this morning so I'm going to tell him today and hope the fallout doesn't last more than a day so she has a calm atmosphere for her last exam. Unfortunately he has no work at the moment which means he is around all the time and very annoying, complaining about how there is a worldwide recession/depression coming, impending doom, 'it's all going to sh*t', etc... I just agree with him. The funny thing is that I do have some work now, so he cannot beat me up with that like he used to!

breath I can't watch programs these days without seeing misogyny/ sexism/ impending DV or EA situations! It is so ingrained in society but knowledge is power, sorry that show triggered memories for you.

bounty look how far you've come, you can predict his actions. My H too thinks that he is so unique and such a special person that he is above the rules how did I support this for so long? And now that he isn't 'famous' it's all because evidently the world is run by people who went to public school and he didn't therefore he won't ever get the best commissions. Also because of me, because the ones who get the best commissions have wives who are well connected and rich, and I am not. PATHETIC MAN!

And CS is top headline on sky news, a caution, Interesting?

Good luck to everyone, stay strong!

sorry meant breathe not breath!

Thank you all - it is this that I miss, that instant understanding and solidarity, without having to explain anything.

Had an awful night - very restless, and nasty dreams, which of course had the knock on effect of disturbing ds2, which was a shame as he's been sleeping so well the last few days. It came to me during the night though, that the hands around the throat thing was not a one off. There was another time, about 8/9 years ago, when he held me by the throat. SiL and BiL were here and I can remember vividly trying to tell her (with swollen, red eyes and a very sore throat) that I was fine, that nothing had happened... I remember which room we were in and which piece of furniture we were next to, so it can't have been any more recent than that as it was got rid of around then.

It's amazing IMO how your mind will submerge things - partly to minimise things, but also to protect you. It still takes me aback though, how now, nine months since he left, things are cropping up and literally taking my breath away. And then I wonder... will this ever end? Thank goodness it's my group today. I need to offload properly and at least that remains a safe place

tis, massive hugs, my dear. How horrible. Something happened to me which I did not remember till the Julian Assange case last year, over 13 years later, then I suddenly remembered it like it happened yesterday. I wonder how I could have 'forgotten'. I am utterly shocked that your SIL and BIL were there and did nothing and presumably accepted your reassurances that you were fine. Maybe that is the reason it got submerged, because there was no support. And now things come to the fore because you are processing things and trying to understand and heal more generally? Horrible as it is, my dear, it will be out of you now, and there for processing, not waiting to hurt you at some later point. I think maybe it was submerged as a form of protection, and now for your future protection, it has come to the fore. Not sure if that makes any sense. It is all very hard, sending you strength for your group and beyond.

that's, strength to you too. I remember those kind of situations, in the end I never went out myself . Good luck.

that's i find the same about seeing lots of situation in a new light.

tis it must be horrible like having an illness and feeling better and then the symptoms recurring. but it does need to come out. think it is also what that's said in the same way as you see external events in a new light you are replying episodes from your own life and seeing them differently. (((((hugs))))) think of it like your mental immune system working to vaccination you against FWs maybe.

i have been replying events. a lot where he was nice and i am enjoying a nice memory and then sudden it is like the needle cones scratching off the record and i remember get is a twunt. and then there are the ones i am on the verge of admitting were bad but cannot yet.

comes scratching off the record and I remember he is a twunt. even.

i see CS has accepted a caution. which means he effectively has a criminal record for assault.
"to emphasise his point" though. oh well that is ok then.and not a word of an apology or remorse. just excuses.

FW. FW. FW.

To be fair - they didn't witness the actual event, it was in a separate room... but even so

tis I had a terrible nights sleep too I am sorry that you have all these thought in your head now. Do you think long term it is better we focus on it and sort of processes it? I can't decide if it is making things better or worse.
I wonder what Nigella will do now? glad he accepted a caution but you are quite right, no apology or anything, I really hope he doesn't start playing the victim when in private at home with Nigella- my ex had a caution for assault but when they did the court screening it didn't come up. It was about 10 years ago so maybe they don't last forever either or he lied about it as he is known to tell the odd porkey but that would be a strange lie to tell?

I think they lapse after 5 years.
did you see the tweet from Nick griffin. honestly. talking about objectifying women. and already there are people saying well she married him etc. thankfully there are plenty of people saying no, of course she didn't marry the man who did that to her. she married another man who turned out to be this man

Group helped a lot. We were talking about anger this week, which was also helpful. I internalise anger too much (which they agreed with) so I need to work on letting the anger out in an appropriate way. Not sure what that is though...

I couldn't help myself and I read the latest BBC article - it says that CS says it didn't hurt. That made me angry all over again. It is what STBXH said all the time and used to make me so mad - that he had control over everything to such an extent that he felt able to define my experiences and emotions

Going to step away for a bit now. It's a lovely day here and I need to be able to think about something else. I want to have a lovely evening with the dcs without feeling wound up like a spring. Think I'm going to do some breathing exercises before my student arrives - I was enormously sceptical, but they really help.

I have heard from LNM that skipping also helps. take it out on ToD. I throw things competitively I find that helps.

CS is a FW. repeatedly and to emphasis his point. his point?

Lovely Tis - thinking about you, what a difficult time for you with the news bringing things like this up. But as mink said, better that they come out and be dealt with than stay festering away. How could SIL see that happening and then still take his side over things? I also struggle with internalised anger, and I also know in theory I should be letting it out appropriately, but I still don't know how to frame that. 40 years of doing otherwise to get over.

Hope you have a peaceful afternoon of relaxation and cloud-contemplation, sweetie.

thats - if you tell him this week, you wont have to worry about asking 'permission' to go out at the weekend? You'll be telling him that you are off out.

Hi everyone, you probably won't remember me, but eventually everyone comes to their tipping point and finally lets go of the most seductive denial of all, Hope.

I found an email to OW of 2007 he had forgotten to delete (actually showing how childish and anodyne their r is. Basically he asks for lots of admiration).

Sent to her the day before he sent me (needed prompting though) a text telling me how much he regretted his affair.

He was mentally divorced within minutes and I saw a solicitor. Told friends and the children.

Freedom from abuse beckons! Feeling fine now.

Wellwobbly Glad you're feeling okay and getting free! Lots of admiration, eh? Men are odd sometimes.

Hope everyone is safe and well. I have been ill and not able to follow things nearly as well (feel like my brain is just dumping everything I read right out the back!). I'm reading, it's just not sinking in.

Other than that, I'm actually doing alright. Some ups, some downs, a few irritations - some voiced, others dismissed (by myself) as too petty to stress over - and still happy. Still some adjustments to make, but slowly getting back into being self-sufficient again. There are little things that I miss, but when I mentally balance it against the EA, it doesn't seem nearly so important. Other things that I thought were going to be a nightmare aren't nearly as bad with a little planning and organising.

Visits are okay, as long as boundaries are maintained. A few blips that were brought to his attention immediately (firmly but calmly) and as long as we can continue in that way, I hope it will keep working. I do sometimes slip into the "walking on eggshells" mode around him, then mentally shake myself. Old habits and all.

Just signing in.

Sending strength and battle on vibes to everyone.

Plodding along here trying to just be notquitezen

Handover today,can't frigging wait

also sending strength to everyone.
except FW, him I am sending glitter and other irritations

was just rereading the text in which he said i am a disgusting sleekit evil c*nt who does not give a fuck about my kids.
oh the irony.
imagine feeling so entitled to your own POV that you think it is ok to make two 5 year olds cry.

tbh I would gladly take any abuse he can throw at me. he can text away and email to his heart's content as long as he takes it out on me and not the kids.