What is the ettiquete regarding who pays of a first date?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Just went on a nice date. No major fireworks but he was sweet and with a good, intelligent sense of humour! I have come feeling good apart from the fact that I payed for my own, coffee, cake and entrance to a tourist attraction. Is that ok in this day and age although I like the thought of being romanced....(spoilt princess emoticon).

I'm learning who to avoid!! Felt sorry for single dad yesterday, and yes I confess to ignoring "lorry drivers". This guy must be married.

He is a serious red flag isn't he?!! Controlling much? Wife bearer?

Ok so he was getting a blow job from the waiter?! Why has she stayed?!!

Completely off topic now - though note he paid for dinner!!!!!

Or attempted to before she nicked his wallet!!

SingingSilver, I don't see what the problem is. He likes to hand over the money. That means I still get to treat him and he gets to do his weird manly thing. Why would I get him to pay for us to go out every time? That's so grabby and not something I would do. He has no problem paying and would happily pay every time, but I would rather we were equal on the financial front. And anyway, it really doesn't have anything to do with you :)

futterby it's the 'weird manly thing' that people are confused by. I'd die giggling if I had to go through a weird pantomine to let my DP be the one to hand over the cash. But if it works for you.

How can you decide what is being 'generous' and what is being old fashioned/chauvenistic/expecting sex etc etc.?

Some people just are generous, and (generally ) they are much nicer people - I think if there is a huge difference between incomes/life styles etc then it is not unreasonable for the 'wealthier' person to contribute more. If I go out with friends who I know are out of work/struggling/whatever then of course I would want to treat them, without embarrassing them and without makng any expectations of them. Equally if I go out with friends who are in roughly the same finanical situation we would always go halves except for my brothers who are extrememly miserly.

Thank God I am no longer on the dating scene .

It does work for us. God, some people have an opinion on everything. If I hand over the money he's not actually bothered, he just prefers to. What's the big deal?

ALittleStranger at 'weird pantomime'. It is a very funny image. They probably think you're feeling each other up under the table. If they did notice it would look a thousand times more dodgy than you just paying, like he's a male escort or something

Some people, honestly. I just hand him the money before we ask for the bill

You mentioned it on an internet forum Futterby it's not like I was eavesdropping on a private conversation.

I just think it's a bit sad, that's all, but if it works for you, great...

No one is personally bothered by it Futterby, it's just very amusing.

imagine if your sense of masculinity was so shaky that it could be undermined by a woman paying the bill! God, I don't need to imagine now I've read this thread.

back off to the 21st century

To be fair, futterby, it is a bit like he's insecure about his masculinity. I'm sure you'll reassure us he isn't, but can't you see it is bizarre behaviour.

I find it hilarious, Futterby. And just a bit depressing. Would it really unman him totally if you actually paid the bill yourself by handing over your own cash or card, you know, Like A Grown-Up? Would his testicles shrivel or something? Giving someone your cash to pay with seems like the kind of thing you'd do with a child, to make him/ her feel important and big.

Can we ask how precisely this came about in the first place? Did you actually say, the first time, ' Here's the money for the bill, but you actually hand it to the waiter in case he thinks you are less than a man?' I mean, whose idea would this weird arrangement be?

your dh pretends to be splashing the cash,and pretends your money is his?
so there whole charade of him pretending your money is his money
you couldn't make it up.his sensitive wee ego needs to always pretend its his money

So if a man asks me out and I expect him to pay, that makes me a princess. But if I ask him out and I expect me to pay thats ok? Or not?

Confused!

I have always assumed that whoever does the asking, does the paying on a dinner/drinks type date/. OD is totally different as the first meeting isnt a date imo, it is the pre date meeting to see if a date is desirable by both parties, so each should pay for their own coffee.

Like I've said, he's not bothered if I hand over the money. He just likes to do it. So what if he's insecure? I dare you to tell me you're not insecure about anything. He's never had a male role model in his life, it's perfectly understandable that he would be insecure in his masculinity. And I'm fine with that.

It came about because it was my turn to pay and he was going up anyway so I handed him the money. Now it's our thing. I won't reply to this anymore, hiding it just because it works for us and I'm not going to argue about it. Everyone has their weird thing they do, this is ours.

Also, scottishmummy, it's really hard to understand anything you say.

Futter When STBX was first made redundant he got really funny about paying. When he was working he was happy for me to pay the bill, as our finances were completely shared so it was just a case of who handed over the money. But after his redundancy he felt very low about not working and earning and didnt make an issue of me handing over my card but I could tell he didnt like it. So I would leave my purse at home so he would pay with his card from the joint account. It was still our money, but he hated that people might think he couldnt pay.

That's exactly it, Bogeyface.

Thats not on Orf, a step waaaay too far.

Was really going to leave it at that but orf, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Love it.

I feel for men in this situation.

There aare some cynical women out there who are after a free meal, and more. I know of one who took a mn to DFS to show him a sofa she liked...........

At a first meet halvsies is appropriate.Frankly, if a woman expects a man to pay for her meal on a first date she is indicating that payment in kind is on the desert menu.

This is something that has had me pondering since I started dating again. I think we should pay our own way. And then see how it goes. Why should the man be expected to pay for us. I am not a princess! In fact...if a man calls me princess, I get cross...Princesses get locked up in towers and need rescuing. I can take care of myself, thank you!

What I do is to meet for coffee (first meet) and I arrive early and buy my own coffee. Usually a short black as quickest to drink if guy is waste of time.

Last year, I started seeing this bloke who was the tightest arse ever ever . I am a generous person and offer to pay. He always accepted but never reciprocated. I got fed up and said so. He then paid for some things but always the cheaper options I noticed. Then we broke up.

Now have met another man who seems really lovely. First meet... my usual coffee purchase..he was on time and we got so engrossed in talking that he completely forgot to get his own coffee.

Second date: We went to an upmarket place (his suggestion) and started with a drink which he bought. Then as we were getting on so well, he suggested getting some food and more drinks. When the bill arrived, I offered to go half (and meant it) he said no no, next time you can. I said thanks (secretly thrilled that there was going to be a next time!).

Now for our next date, I am going to suggest a picnic in this superb park in Brisbane (vair romantic) and I will bring all the food and drink. I am hoping to see if he is a good kisser (vair important for me) as so far only pecks on cheek and one on lips...He reminds me of Heathcliff - tall, dark and brooding...sigh...quite delicious actually! He did hug me though and held on for a bit longer than usual - mmmm very nice!

sorry got a bit distracted!

I would never expect the man to pay for everything. Halves or take turns but be fair about it.

I think a woman should go with her purse fully expecting to pay halves and open the idea that she may end up paying for it all (if she offers to).

Any woman who expects that the man should definitely pay it all is missing the point, the pleasantry is in the gesture of him offering to pay, not in the actual handing over of cash (perhaps this is why people are struggling with understanding your way Futterby?)

I think that if the man (or indeed woman) then offers to get the bill in its entirety, it should be seen as the kind and generous gesture that it is, not as some kind of affront to our gender. You can politely decline if you feel uncomfortable with that, or accept and offer to reciprocate. Either way, anyone who takes that as a red flag is missing out on meeting a kind and generous partner.