What is the ettiquete regarding who pays of a first date?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Just went on a nice date. No major fireworks but he was sweet and with a good, intelligent sense of humour! I have come feeling good apart from the fact that I payed for my own, coffee, cake and entrance to a tourist attraction. Is that ok in this day and age although I like the thought of being romanced....(spoilt princess emoticon).

I watched a film the other day and the main character said "you'll never get laid going Dutch".

I quoted it to DP who had insisted on our first date that he was paying "its a thing of mine and not negotiable"!

I had initially worried that this might point to misogynistic attitudes in general, but actually, he's just an old-fashioned, courteous gentleman, always buying me flowers, holding doors etc. and he loves treating me, so while some women might find this weird, I just think he's lovely.

I do occasionally pay for drinks at the cinema etc or he buys dinner and I buy pudding (we have lots of DCs between us so it can get pricey!) but I can tell he feels really embarrassed when I pay for him.

He says his grandad wouldn't forgive him if he knew that I paid for dinner, so I think his old fashioned attitude just comes from a respect for his grandad.

Whatever happens on the first few dates is probably a good indicator of how things will pan out financially in the future though!

bragmatic I love your date scenario!

I also think that men who expect to pay for women on dates are generally more respectful and make much better life partners.

I think that women who expect men to pay for them on dates are generally self-obsessed and make much worse life partners.

Women who feel the need to pay on dates usually doubt their own self-worth.

Bonsoir/Donutformyself - couldn't have put it better!

Every man I know who expects/allows a woman to pay for the first few dates is a tight arse. One of the most unattractive qualities in a person IMO.

The only guy I have ever dated who suggested we went halves on a meal for a first date that he initated was my Stbex, should have been a sign from the bloody start.
I would normally only go for a drink on a first date anyway but Christ if they can't/won't buy a g and t for you I'd wonder if it was worth the trouble I go to buying nice clothes, hair done etc all of which is expected and is not cheap.
This weekend my new bow spent $1,000 on a hotel, dinners, breaks fast all sorts but I drove, picked him up etc so try to pull my weight in ways I can afford to.

So not get me started on the women who paid half for the hotel rooms Stbex booked to fuck them in, who would pay to be fucked by a married man ?

"who would pay to be fucked by a married man?"

Someone really desperate with terrible self-esteem!

Cat's experience is terrible and shows how unfair this whole dating scene can be, however if a date insists on going to a specific & expensive restaurant surely you should have the guts to say 'sorry, that is way beyond my budget, let's just meet for a coffee'. (If you haven't got the courage to say that sort of thing then perhaps you are desperate for a date 'at any cost' - no pun intended).

Isn't the etiquette about first dates to just meet for a coffee/drink first rather than sitting through a whole meal with someone you have never met (which could be a really tedious evening)?

Feel free to ignore my comments as I haven't been on date for over 25 years (and yes, the man paid then ).

I think I can now see why so many women on MN find OD so difficult and are unsuccessful after many years......

Bragmatic has it for me ! I only dated as a student so wouldn't have gone for expensive dinners out, definitely not for a first date. The sequence goes:
1st date =drinks/coffees +- walk in the park or other free activity. You each pay your own or do rounds
2nd date= cinema he books the tickets, you get drinks/popcorn
3rd date=dinner you meet in a bar you get this drinks/he gets dinner/you put down the tip.

I don't think once in my life have I either allowed a "date" to pay for everything or waved notes around /calculated half or the bill. There is usually a third way people !

Dating advice also 15years out of date !

I think whoever invites should expect to pay, but if it's a mutual, online, sizing-up affair it should be split.

Women who feel the need to pay on dates usually doubt their own self-worth.

Women who cannot imagine paying their own way on dates measure their self-worth in purely financial terms.

Either halves or what Wishihdabs said.

I've done a lot of online dating.

Most start with coffee. We both offer, usually they buy first, I buy second. If we move onto lunch/dinner I offer to go halves.

Last two guys have both refused and wanted to pay. In first case I then bought coffees after. And when we moved onto second and third dates I would buy tickets, they'd buy dinner, I'd buy coffee, they'd buy snacks etc.

I actually tested my first date from yesterday and apologised for him having paid for everything. It just happened we only had one coffee, which he got, and then we went for lunch and he insisted. But the text broke the ice and now we are going out again in a fortnight with me buying the drinks this time.

Equally though I have dated people who are right down the line fifty fifty. No "ill throw in twenty, you cover the rest" kind of relaxed attitude - but a real down to penny split. In fact one guy was so adament we split everything he refused to buy a more expensive round of drinks - so if you had a glass of wine, then a coke he would get the hump. He equally though when I asked him to grab me a 50p bag of crisps one time waited palm out for the money like a kid. That was too much for me.

Women who feel the need to pay on dates expect financial equality in a relationship from the outset.

Omg smokinaces that's awful. That would be my last date with that bloke TBH.

Wishihaddabs it was indeed. I told him so the next day. So many things wrong with that guy, the money thing just highlighted it.

Most guys I happily do 50/50 with. But always in a relaxed "oh I get these, you get next" - and if they insist on buying first date and I like them I agree and say "ok ill get next time". If I had no intent to see them again after dinner I would insist on chucking a twenty quid in at least. Otherwise its a little rude imo.

Gosh yes, my dating advice is rather out of date... I would be clueless now if I was dating again.

Tightness in anyone is unattractive. I would be turned off by a man who was a real penny pincher but I'd also be mortified to not even offer.

I wonder if people who say the person who does the inviting should ask are also people who say women should never do the 'chasing'?!

Also expect to be 'romanced' on a first meeting from OD really misunderstands the dynamics of OD!

In my current relationship my first date was a coffee date. He bought the first round, I bought the second. I didn't even think about the etiquette of it TBH; it just seemed natural to do it like that and he clearly thought the same as there was no awkwardness.

Our first meal out, he insisted on paying. I offered, was politely refused, so said ok then. Our next meal, I insisted on paying for. He protested. I explained to him why I wanted to and he (reluctantly) accepted on the basis that he didn't want to do anything that made me uncomfortable.

We pay 50/50 for things (roughly - we don't itemise receipts or anything), although if I didn't make the effort it would probably work out more 70/30 . He can be rather old-fashioned in his 'gentlemanliness' - which initially had me on hyper alert for red flags to do with sexism, but I think it's just a hangover from his age and upbringing. He's a very 'new age man' aka a decent human being in many ways, he just seems to want to pay for things.

Bonsoir Women who feel the need to pay on dates usually doubt their own self-worth.

Women who feel the need to be paid for on dates don't need to doubt what they're worth - they can work out exactly how much they cost.

Bonsoir Women who feel the need to pay on dates usually doubt their own self-worth

That's probably one of the funniest things I've read on here

Her: Pay for my dinner
Him: Er.....
Her: I'm worth it you know