What is the ettiquete regarding who pays of a first date?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Just went on a nice date. No major fireworks but he was sweet and with a good, intelligent sense of humour! I have come feeling good apart from the fact that I payed for my own, coffee, cake and entrance to a tourist attraction. Is that ok in this day and age although I like the thought of being romanced....(spoilt princess emoticon).

From a mans point of view, on the second date, I offered to pay for the whole meal. My date insisted on paying for half, which I was quite pleased with, because it showed she wasn't just turning up for a free meal, and made me more inclined to want to meet her again.
Dating is a two way intereaction, both people benefit from it. A man paying for everything is a bit like paying for sex...

And to the people that say the initiator should pay for everything... Well the initiator is usually a man, so what you are really saying is that a man should pay for everything.

" A man paying for everything is a bit like paying for sex..."

That is such a sad attitude.

Phallic that's not true. I initiated our first date but my DP insisted on paying because to him, that was 'the right thing to do'. I do sometimes pay for things, but he earns a lot more than me and likes to treat me and my DCs. He didn't pay 'for sex' he paid for food and drinks. He got sex free because I am not a hooker!

He didn't pay 'for sex' he paid for food and drinks.

If you had gone on the date regardless of whether he paid or not then it's equal.

But if - and I'm not saying this is true for you Donut but it does seem true for at least some on this thread - you had turned down the date because you knew he wouldn't pay for you then while he might not be paying for sex he is is effectively buying your time. So not so much a hooker but an escort.

I went on a first date last night. Just drinks but he insisted on paying for everything. I offered but he wouldn't have it!

Was he nice, Title? Will you be seeing him again?

eccentrica (gallumbits [sp] by any chance?) very well put.

"Every man I know who expects/allows a woman to pay for the first few dates is a tight arse. One of the most unattractive qualities in a person IMO."

I pretty much feel the same way about a woman who complains about dong the cooking, washing & ironing etc. We should all know our place. Men pay for dinner, Women do ...well the 'womens' work....

I think the problem with the 'person who does the asking out pays' scenario is that the person doing the asking out is usually the man!

I used to feel that I would pay my way unless I was attracted to the guy and wanted to see him again. In other words, I suppose I didn't mind if he felt he was 'owed something' because I hoped it was heading in that direction anyway!

But now I would always insist on paying for myself, not least so it avoids an incoherent phone call a week after the date from a nutter screaming 'But I BOUGHT YOUR DINNER!!'

I think a lot of men will automatically refuse when a woman offers her card, even if they are broke and can barely afford to pay, so I say that it's just my policy until I know someone well, nothing personal.

I read a good quote from a grandmother to her grand-daughter 'Pay for your own dinner. You are not a homeless person in need of a meal.'

"I wonder if people who say the person who does the inviting should ask are also people who say women should never do the 'chasing'?!"

Maybe i date the wrong men - and believe me i wouldn't rule that out, but whenever i've done any sort of chasing, it's backfired, playing it very cool seems the better option then men seem to respond better. The best way to get anyones attention is to stop giving them yours in my experience.

Oh I do hope so Imperial, he was very nice...

Pay on a date...thankfully i'm married now but i wouldn't have even thought about splitting a bill.

How times change. unless i got it wrong back then too

I have always been under the impression that whomever did the asking (for the date) pays.

Although to be fair I have never actually been on a first date, so I am definitely not an expert.

there are an awful lot of tight fisted women on mn. pay for your self!

I wouldn't think man were tight wad for going halves
I'd think woman were widdle pwincess expecting a free dinner
an equal relationship isn't based on whether or not man pays

Spoke to DP about this last night and he said that if a woman on a first date made a fuss about wanting to go halves and didn't accept that he wanted to treat her, then he would assume she was an argumentative type and probably wouldn't see her again. He also said he thought it would be funny (although he's too kind to actually do this!) to say, "if it offends your principles so much I'm happy for you to pay for both of us" and leave her to it.

I think men can get as offended about their hospitality being refused as women do about being seen to be 'kept' when a man pays.

Its all a bit silly, like women being offended when a man holds the door for her, or offers his seat on the train. Someone is trying to do a nice chivalrous thing and gets it thrown back in their face because in our quest for equality, the baby gets thrown out with the bathwater.

It's a funny one isn't it and good to debate....especially since there are still issues with equality today between the sexes.

I would not ask a man out and have learned the hard way not to chase. What's that about?? He gets all the power and I have to be passive???

Yet I would offer to pay for my own food to avoid a man feeling he will be owed anything. Yet men earn more than women still.

What's that about???

I think in conclusion.....I would not chase.....end of story.
I would no ask out, end of story.
I would offer to pay my share and do so, but also let him if he insisted.
I would also let a man subsidise my living if he earns substantially ,ore than me.

However.
I would always work and have savings.
I would also choose a man who is not a chauvinist, therefore not setting myself up to have to leave him at some stage, for that particular crime anyway!!!

Surely any man who is put off by a woman doing the chasing is a chauvinist?

If a man is put off because the woman is coming on a bit too strong - texting constantly, ringing all the time, pressurising for a commitment, etc. - then that's a problem with insecurity MO, not the principle of gender reversal.

I'd prefer the other person to offer to pay it all if they arranged the date (just as I would if I arranged it) because there is just something nice about treating someone to something special and then you can pick something within your budget, but I wouldn't expect them to pay as if it were an obligation.

But for first date, always offer to go halves unless they insist. Basically it's about consideration. If they want to treat you, don't spoil it for them (it can be very romantic). But they may see it as a way of respecting your equality by going halves, in which case take it as a compliment. There are plenty of ways you can show if you would like to see them again.

Dahlen, I agree, right from the start I explained that I wasn't going to play games and that if I wanted to text him I would do so, none of this waiting 3 days nonsense! Even though DP is a traditionalist about money he was happy for me to show him how I felt without it meaning I'm a bunny boiler.

Agree with something2say.

I don't agree with the mantra that the person who initiates the date should pay. This will usually be the man because its usually men who make the first move.

If it is ridiculous for a man to say he expects a woman to pay for the entire first date, then it's ridiculous for a woman to say that in these enlightened times. Equality means taking the good bits of equality along with the not so good bits.

It's not romance, its tradition, and its one we need to shelve. It's treating women as second class citizens who need to be looked after.

I still can't see how a man paying for my dinner is treating me like a second class citizen!

Definitely halves.