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Original poster

What is the ettiquete regarding who pays of a first date?

207 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 09/06/2013 16:47

Just went on a nice date. No major fireworks but he was sweet and with a good, intelligent sense of humour! I have come feeling good apart from the fact that I payed for my own, coffee, cake and entrance to a tourist attraction. Is that ok in this day and age although I like the thought of being romanced....(spoilt princess emoticon).

OP posts:
Dilemmargh · 10/06/2013 00:01

I know, not is.

AnnaFender · 10/06/2013 00:06

I'm seeing a guy I met online (first ever online date), have been for a few weeks now. I offered on the first date (just drinks) and tried to do the alternate rounds thing, but he was having none of it. Second date was more expensive activity (his choice), again I offered to pay half and he was having none of it. Now it's been a couple of weeks he will let me buy a round, or pay for some petrol or something, but he still mostly pays. I always offer though. I would never expect the man to pay, and would always suggest going halves, but if he insists on paying then I won't push it.

Bogeyface · 10/06/2013 01:10

I have always worked on the concept of whoever does the asking pays the bill. I expect to pay if I ask a man out and expect him to pay if he asks me out, but I have only done dinner dates with men I have already met.

Online dating is different I think, if what I have read on MN is anything to go by. If I was meeting someone for the very first time for a coffee, then yes, I would pay for myself. I suppose I would see it not as a date but as a way of me and him sizing each other up to decide if each other is first date material.

Bogeyface · 10/06/2013 01:11

I should add that I have had a couple of dates where I did the asking, but he insisted on paying. I protested once, but let them pay the second time they insisted.

BOF · 10/06/2013 01:15

I agree, Bogeyface. It's perfectly ok and reasonable to pay for yourselves, but obviously nice and flattering for the asker to pay for you. But I can see how that wouldn't work if you are having loads and loads of online dates.

cat · 10/06/2013 03:03

No just my half - which is fine by me.

But he was trying to be flash - but expected me to go Dutch

Lavenderhoney · 10/06/2013 05:54

Back in the dating days, a first date- I always offered to pay my share, and usually was told no. Next time ( if there was one) I insisted on paying or paying my share. If I thought the bloke was a chancer and equated buying dinner with a reward of sex then no, I would always pay my bit as I knew I wouldn't see him again.

If someone insisted on taking me to Michelin restaurants and buying champagne I would make it very clear I couldn't afford to contribute and would be just as happy somewhere more in my price range.

I have been taken to places with no prices on the ladies menu, and hissed across the table " there are no prices for me on the menu, what are we doing about paying?"

I think it should be equal, tbh, and discussed. First chance to see if he can cope with a slightly awkward discussion perhaps?

Lavenderhoney · 10/06/2013 05:56

I meant taken somewhere as a surprise after drinks, not discussing beforehand where to go! Or what I wrote doesn't make sense in the examples!

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 10/06/2013 06:02

I think internet dating has changed the landscape somewhat in that it's sometimes less clear who the invitee is (it's more by mutual arrangement). In my dating days it was whoever initiated paid, and thereafter you tended to alternate or it just worked itself out.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 10/06/2013 06:05

I have been taken to places with no prices on the ladies menu, and hissed across the table " there are no prices for me on the menu, what are we doing about paying?"

Why didnt you just wait until the bill came and then offer to pay half? Btw, it's not a "ladies" menu- the menu without prices is given to the person who didnt book the table. If you'd booked the table, he'd have been given the menu without prices.

Lavenderhoney · 10/06/2013 06:14

Because I was worried I couldn't afford the half! It was a first date and I didn't want to spend a lot of money, and end up out of pocket.

The assumption that whoever booked the table is paying doesn't help either party if they want to share costs. I would rather receive a menu with prices on.

bragmatic · 10/06/2013 06:56

In the situation you describe, there is standard protocol. You offer to pay your half of the entry fee, he says no. You say "are you sure?" and make a feeble move for your purse. He insists. You thank him. After coffee and cake, you offer to pay. He says no. You insist, saying "no, please, let me. You paid for the entry fee." He reluctantly acquiesces.

He takes you home for a lovely shag.

bragmatic · 10/06/2013 06:56

Oh, and he calls you the next day.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 10/06/2013 08:10

The assumption that whoever booked the table is paying doesn't help either party if they want to share costs

That's true, but usually the menu without prices is specifically requested at the time of booking, so if you receive a menu without prices, it's reasonable to assume that the other person intends to pay- it's intended to allow the guest to order what they'd genuinely like rather than feel obliged to order the cheaper items to avoid looking like a gold digger :-)

CabbageLeaves · 10/06/2013 08:31

I think the best advice on he has been do what you'd do with a friend. You wouldn't struggle to decide who's paying with a friend. What changes it with a sexual relationship. Why should that change it?

circlemirror · 10/06/2013 08:53

Men have always offered to pay when I was dating, even OD. I've always been pretty selective about who I'll meet in person though, so no danger of being stuck with someone who thought they'd get sex just because they'd paid for dinner. I've remained friends with a few men I met through OD and when they've discussed dating other women they've said they've always been happy to pick up the bill and assume that they'll do so.

I was with DH for five years before we got married and during that time I think I paid for our dates a handful of times, usually on his birthday or if it was just more convenient for me to. We have joint finances now, but we're equal in our relationship, he pulls his weight at home and has never had any unreasonable expectations towards me regarding sex or anything else.

Graciescotland · 10/06/2013 08:54

I think the bloke should pay (old fashioned) but I don't think restaurant first dates are a good idea. A mooch round the (free) art gallery or similar and then coffee and cake (£10 ish for two) if it's going well if not you can both slope off no money spent.

Snorbs · 10/06/2013 09:00

I must be being thick but I really don't get the connection between a) romanticism, and b) the sense of entitlement required to expect the man to pay for the date.

Aren't you then effectively insisting that the man has to pay - albeit in goods and services rather than just handing over some cash - for your time?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/06/2013 09:05

I would always assume that you split the bill / or take turns to buy drinks in any situation which involves meeting another person for a meal, drinks, going somewhere with entry fees, whatever. Dating is no different from meeting a friend in this respect IMO.

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 09:07

I think the man should pay on the first date if he has asked you to go somewhere with him.

Bogeyface · 10/06/2013 09:10

The asker does the paying because they are the host, if their guest insists on paying their share (always useful if you are with a man who thinks that buying dinner = guaranteed shag!), then thats fine but the assumption should always be that the asker pays.

CVSFootPowder · 10/06/2013 09:12

Men have always offered to pay when I was dating too, but I have to say I don't have a lot of experience of OD. I don't think I've ever asked a man out on a date, but if I did, I'd expect to pay. The couple of OD dates I've had, I just met them for coffee or a drink after work and although they offered to pay I insisted on paying my half.
I agree that OD does tend to blur the lines somewhat.

I'm currently dating my exDH. There is a vast difference between what he earns and what I earn, plus he has expensive tastes, so he insists on paying when we go out on a dinner date.
I tend to pay if we go out to the cinema (but that's hardly a cheap date these days!) or pay for lunch if we're out during the day.

Trinpy · 10/06/2013 09:16

I'm not sure I've ever split the bill on a date. Certainly never on a date with dh. Good etiquette for me is whoever invited the other on the date pays.

I would be a bit put off I'd someone didnt offer to pay on a first date. I suppose because I think it's good manners but also it would come across as being a bit tight, imo

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/06/2013 09:22

I'd be put off someone who insisted on paying to be honest, I prefer things to be equal (should add I haven't been on a first date for >15 years as have been with DH).

Bonsoir · 10/06/2013 09:32

There is no etiquette. However, you can signal what sort of financial relationship you want with a future partner by offering to pay/go halves/be paid for.