DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

[housework]

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

He's lazy. Medieval as well.

Either don't do his laundry, cook his meals etc from now on.

Or you could draw up a list of stuff that needs doing each day and allocate it to each other.

If he doesn't do his share of the list then revert to the first option above.

People will take the piss if you let them.

"Is there something particular you want me to do?"

That's your 'in'. If he needs a list of specific tasks rather than a general appeal for help, provide it. If he still doesn't shape up, start talking to a divorce lawyer because this man sounds a bit thick... And ffs... if you want a cleaner, hire one. Who the hell is he to decide?

Does he have any good points? (As in, why are you with him?)

LTB.

Of course if you have a couple of days child free a week, you'll be able to get stuff like dustinf/windows done then, but NOT a whole house in a state of tidiness for a whole week. Unless no one is eating or using the house at all for the rest of the week. When he's home, the housework should be shared, whether that's running a hoover round, dealing with dishwasher or clearing work surfaces, emptying bins, cleaning bathroom after its been used and so on.

Just from that conversation he sounds like hard work. Do you have children together?, because if you don't I would cut my losses

Can you do "your" housework and leave his ? My first dh had been waited on hand and foot by his mum and had no idea about anything domesticated. I remember not cleaning his side of bedroom or washing any of his clothes - took him a couple of weeks to realise, then another week to actually do something about it. Took a while to turn him around but I asked him to do small tags first like empty bins and gradually added more to it.

He's good at deflecting it all back to you isn't he?.

And why are you with someone like this manchild at all given his attitude?. Such attitudes are often learnt and are deeply rooted, did his own mother fetch and carry for him throughout his childhood?.

Notap has it. If you complain and don't f

You should both have equal amounts of leisure time. If you work fewer hours then it's reasonable that you do more at home.

However personally I'd go back to work full-time and get a cleaner (that you both pay for). I wouldn't want to spend my time skivying for some man.

How is your relationship otherwise? It sounds like he gets to make all the decisions. How come?

He's not being very nice to you is he? He sounds like a chauvinist. I couldn't cope with being treated like a slave, personally.

OP, your post resonates with me to an extent. Won't go into boring detail, but I think that yes, you might have to go the extreme of drawing up a list, possibly in more detail than you would believe necessary.

Then make sure he sticks to his side. If not, proceed as above ^^

You have my sympathies, though. I still find it incredible that an otherwise intelligent grown human being should need another human being to instruct them, over and over and over again, in the sort of basic life-skills stuff that anyone should be able to pick up pretty swiftly (I'm talking about my situation now).

Oh and btw, agree that if you want a cleaner, you should get a cleaner. Whatever he thinks or says.

Get a cleaner. He shouldn't have the final say on it.

Or

Stop doing anything for him. Move into separate bedroom and let him sleep on smelly sheets and hopefully he will get the hunt.

I wouldn't engage with him about it though.

Do not do anything for him - cooking, shopping, washing up, laundry and ironing.

Give him a list of jobs - make sure you include boring daily tasks like ironing, vacuuming, unloading dishwasher etc.

And don't follow through, he can win every time. It is as you say water off a dicks back. Sorry, duck!

Do read the Cloud and Thompson book on boundaries- that will help you pinpoint exactly where you are going wrong. ( if their Christianity bothers you try to work round it- I'm not a Christian but the book is spot on).

The book shows you how consequences are the only things which change intractable behaviour and how to manage your boundaries and enable natural consequences.

If he has said "is there something particular you want me to do?" Could you give him a few chores which are exclusively his (preferably the time consuming ones, or the ones you don't like to do).

He does sound archaic though; my DH won't be the first to think about doing housework but will do it willingly if I ask him. He's good at helping in other ways though ie doing the supermarket shop.

Get a cleaner if you are both working and he refuses to help. It's not for him to as "no"

I would write down all the household jobs together, including the things he does do, like mow the lawn, and anything you're prepared to do. Write down how often they need doing, and a rough time to do them. Then go through the rest, allocating the jobs, and even a good time in the week to do them. So for example, he could do the food shopping whilst you are doing the bathrooms or vice versa?

If he's not prepared to discuss doing any housework, he is unreasonable and I would then get a cleaner.

Book a cleaner - pay for it from joint account and don't ask permission again

Ask very specific things - not 'help with housework' but taking the bins out tonight etc.

Stop doing 'his' stuff - washing etc.

And don't try any more discussion - just do all of the above.

Thanks for all of your replies. He has been brought up to be lazy by his mother. I have previously made him a list. He ignored it and was offended by it. He doesn't want a list. He wants individual instructions ( I suppose another way of making it my responsibility not his). Onefewernow-I will check out that book.

Brillig does your DH need his boss to explain tasks at work over and over anf over again, in excruciating detail?

I seriously doubt these men don't notice the dirt or don't understand which tasks need doing. They just don't want to do them, and if they leave them, you do it, so they never need bother.

He sounds exhausting OP.

Why blame his mother - what about his father?

Oh x posts.

Perhaps rather than being his mother's fault for doing it all we should blame his father for not doing anything and being a bad role model? It's not always the woman's fault.

If he wants instructions every sinfle time he is demanding you do all the thinking which is more work. Read 'Wifework' - it is eye opening!

Wouldit be fair for me to make a unilateral decision to book a cleaner? I earn a quarter what he does and work 3 days? He would suggest this means he should veto the decision.

He is being massively disrespectful, selfish, sexist, lazy and petty.

Tell him to grow up and start pulling his weight and that you will no longer do his personal chores, end of discussion. Do not get sucked into another argument about this issue.

He was brought up by a single mother which is why I only refer to her.