DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

[housework]

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

I used to think that my father was a veritable Neanderthal- until I read about women complaining about men 'not cleaning the toilet'. I seriously never realised that there were men so contemptuous of women they wouild leave piss and shit over a communal toilet. (then I met my ex....)
But why the FK should you have to give him detailed instructions? He's an adult, he has no mental or physical disabilities- how the FK does he not realise how the bin doesn't smell or how the clean sheets get on the bed?
And working 3 days a week does not mean you are there to wipe up a grown male's piss.

Since you have spoken on several occasions about the piss it IS deliberate.

And my DP does a fair share of all household and parenting work. No doubt about it.

Cleaning piss of a toilet seat isn't even housework imo. It is basic personal hygiene. Nobody should be wiping that up for you any more than they should be wiping your backside or brushing your teeth. It is a separate issue to not doing any housework.

I wouldn't have let him get away without mentioning the toilet but I know it would have side tracked the other stuff.

I don't know what to say really - I get frustrated enough with my DSs when they were younger and sprayed everywhere. They have learnt (mostly) to wipe it up so you have my sympathies.

My gut instinct, and I am happy to admit probably not the right way to go about it, is to humiliate the man like he is humiliating you by making you his skivvy. If somebody comes to the house and wants to use the toilet, apologise for the any thing they might find. Tell them your husband isn't able to use a toilet properly. Do the same when you go to other people's houses and your H wants to use the toilet. Hopefully other people's reactions will make him see that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Ultimately, this is the sort on-going, seemingly endless frustration that kills a marriage and any feelings you have for another person. Perhaps you should start by laying that on the line for him. If he still doesn't care then you have your answer really.

I would guess that hardly any men do their fair share. I've never met a man that does

My dh does. All our housework, gardening, shopping, etc. is done by both of us as and when. I don't tell him what to do, he doesn't tell me.

Today he has done two loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen and helped ds paint his bedroom furniture. I've caught up on emails, phoned sil to make visiting arrangements and helped dd with her gcse revision.

We never argue about housework, it's just never a problem. If something needs doing, one of us will do it. Ds (14) and dd (16) will also wash clothes, iron, cook, clean, hoover, etc.

The weeing on the toilet seat - he is literally pissing on his territory, marking it so that you and dd see that he is in charge.

Disgusting, horrible little man. Yuck!

What are his redeeming qualities. Why are you with him? Please don't say he is a good father, he couldn't be a worse role model if he tried.

Your DP is a bully. He does not give a damn or he would at least, heed your concerns. I also sense some emotional abuse as he is playing silly word/mind games with you.

I think he is perfectly aware of your wishes but chooses to ignore them as it suits him. I am not sure you can change someone like that, or indeed can you change anyone?

Very well paid jobs often are very stressful when you find yourself doing another full-time job at home doing all the domestic work and childcare.

The answer is never to give up the very well paid job though. It astonishes me when women make that choice rather than the more obvious one.

Decent men who pull their weight are easier to find than rewarding, well-paid careers.

The only one i expect to clean up piss from in my household, is my 4yo who happens to pee on the seat on occasion. A grown man normally lifts up the seat and aims straight into the pan, he is gross for delibrately pissing on the seat so you have to clean it.

He has asked what needs doing, 1st stop clean up his own urine and then address what you need doing on a day to day basis. If he doesn't do his fair share, stop cooking his dinner and washing-they are two things where he could start

You work three days a week. Presumably he works five. Maybe his point is that you have two extra days off and you shouldn't be getting him to do stuff which you can be doing in those two days off.

As for sharing housework, how about sharing the number of days working if you are so hung up on everything being shared

And no, I am not a guy.

Habba. The OP has already said that the DP hardly does any housework; whether he is working or OFF.

Why do people see 'housework' as separate from work?

The OP probably spends 3 x 7 hours = 21 hours at work.

The DH probably spends 5 x 7 hours = 35 hours at work.

The DH spends an extra 14 hours working. But poor old OP. The twat of a husband thinks that she should take care of the housework during those 14 hours that he is working.

Yes. Obviously someone who works 5 days a week can't be expected to clean the toilet after using it. I mean what is the OP expecting? A God?

Habba has conveniently ignored the toilet issue.

I think you've missed the point here Habba, it doesn't matter that the OPs husband works more days out of the house than her. What matters is that he does NOTHING at all, even when they are both working out of the house.
He pees on a toilet and will not clean it up because he wants his wife to be his skivvy and do everything.

Why do you see housework and childcare as something that can be fitted into 14 hours a week and requires no other input during the other 70 waking hours?

When I last checked, houses and children didn't have 'off switches' but maybe you should contact Take A Break to discuss your ground-breaking discovery?

You should be taking on 60-75% of the domestic responsibility as you are home more, but that still leaves a big chunk that he should be doing, and I also include things like childcare, paying bills, remembering appointments, sending out birthday cards, doing shopping etc. And he should obviously be cleaning up after himself.

He does nothing, to the point that he pisses all over the toilet and leaves it for you to clean up.

He has no respect for you and views you as existing to serve him.

Why women put up with this I will never understand.

If you want a cleaner, get one. He doesn't get to say that you have to do the cleaning when he won't. You are as equally within your rights to refuse to clean the house as he is.

But your relationship has deeper issues.

Haha Habba I like your thinking. Yes, that would work and, in fact, I think OP should do it.

So they both work, say Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 9-6 and she does housework on Thursday and Friday 9-6 and has evenings and weekends off, just like her dh.

Sod the cooking at the weekend. The piss can stay on the seat from Friday evening til the following Thursday morning. Dd can pop round to use the neighbours loo in the meantime.

Doh!

I am deeply insulted on behalf of the men I know that some people see fit to peddle the bullshit that hardly any men pull their weight domestically. I mean, I know why they would say those things - to keep deluding themselves that they aren't really being treated as appalling by their own DH/DP as they really are - but it is simply a lie. Or, if they really don't know any men not like that, then they really need to examine the company they keep.

My Dh certainly more than pulls his weight. He's hoovering now, whilst I'm on here. Because he is not a lazy sexist who thinks I am inferior to him and that having a penis miraculously excuses him from housework or childcare. I have said this more than once on these boards and will say it again: my DH says that when he was single, he had to do 100% of his housework. So now, sharing a home with me and DS, even if I only did 10% of everything and he did the rest, he'd still be getting a better deal than before.

My Dad has also always pulled his weight, my brother does (and he is ASD), my uncles do, and both my grandads, both born before WWI, did loads of housework and childcare - not just by the stabdards of their day but by now.

Let's not forget that on the two days she has off the OP also has a child to look after. It's not like she's sitting on her arse doing nothing.

MY DH, adult DS and DD would not DARE leave a toilet anything other than pristine clean and sweet smelling..... I don't mind housework but I will not clean up shit or piss after another fully capable adult. Ever. End of.

HabbaDabba - if the OP didn't work at all you might, only might, have a point. I wouldn't think very highly of any man who didn't lift a finger to help out at all but I suppose, so long as the SAHP got some time off at the weekends too then it might work for some. But the OP does work so if she gets 4 out of 7 days to do housework AND childcare, her H gets 2 out of 7 days to do the same. On that basis the OP should be doing 2/3rds of the housework and childcare and the husband should be doing a 3rd if we are dividing up the non-work hours fairly.

But the OP's H can't even wipe up after himself. He is as bad as a toddler. Nothing in your argument should let him off the hook for that. It is basic personal hygiene as I said before.

Happy - You dont know any men that dont do their fair share? Its the minority of men that dont ime

Peteypiranha - I haven't conducted any national surveys lately but I think it's the majority of men that don't pull their weight.

Most women I know work but their partners don't do their fair share, in some cases they don't even help a little bit. I don't think it's right and I wouldn't put up with it, it's one of the reasons I prefer being single. There is only so much nagging you can do before you give up on them.

When I split up from my partner and mentioned to my work colleagues that my ex never lifted a finger to help the reply I got was "well, you didn't expect him to did you?"