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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

372 replies

housework · 02/06/2013 09:31

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 22:46

A man that does no housework at all, leaves his piss for his wife to clean (regardless of how many hours worked or not), and stalks her online is abusive, creepy and fucking weird.

And no, I am not a man hater - I have three out of four of my DC's that will be men in the future. I love men that ACT like men.

A man that acts like the OP's DH is NOT acting like a man. He is acting like a cunt.

I am a cunt hater, not a man hater. So there you go.

RhondaJean · 05/06/2013 22:49

Where is this fat fingered man? Bet he has no problems using a mobile phone or a of if he wants to...

Lweji · 05/06/2013 22:54

So, what does he actually do at home? Confused

doublecakeplease · 05/06/2013 22:55

Oh fgs - cooking is housework. What on earth do you do on your days off and when he's cooking which leaves so much left over work?

Play fair - he's working more than you. Your dc is school age. He does the cooking...

Do your share and if needs be get someone in to do the really crap once in a blue moon jobs like cleaning the oven

CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 22:58

My 2yo spilt his plate of gravy over the wall tonight. He got the baby wipes from the nappy box and wiped it (ok he made more mess by spreading it, but he was TRYING) saying 'ceen, ceen', which means clean clean.

He is 2y4mo and has speech delay, hyperactivity, probable Autism and also physical issues in the form of hypermobility (causes his joints to dislocate very easily, painful too), AND HE MAKES MORE OF AN ATTEMPT TO CLEAN UP BEHIND HIMSELF THAN THE OP'S DH.

FFS, the man is a twat. My 2yo with SN's has more ability to respect his environment and family members than the OP's DH.

CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 23:17

So he cooks. He still can't clean up his own piss. Does he want a medal or the chest to pin it on?!

Yes, the OP should be doing more housework than her DH, with one school age DC and two days off whilst he is working.

But that shouldn't mean that he does NOTHING other than cook.

Is cooking 5 nights a week equivalent to 25% of the shitwork? No? Then he's STILL not doing his fair share.

I think that De Nile isn't just a river in Egypt, and that if the OP wrote down EVERYTHING she did in a week, including things like remembering, say, a non-uniform day, sorting out the clothes for it, you know, the THINKING part of the shitwork too, as well as the paid work, she would be surprised.

If she then wrote down exactly what her DH did over that same week, including the THINKING part of the shitwork, I suspect she would realise how much of a mug she is being taken for.

Let's see - 5 x 8 hrs paid work = 40 hrs plus 30-60 mins cooking dinner, x 5 = between 2.5-5hrs cooking.

So OP's DH does around 42.5-45 hrs a week.

3 x 8 = 24 + everything else...I'd hazard a guess that it works out to be FAR FAR FAR fucking more than the paltry 45 hrs a week her DH puts in...

Who does the bins? Cleans the bathroom? Does the washing up? Puts the dishes away? Washes the clothes? Irons them? Puts them away? Plans the following week's meals? Notices they need toothpaste or loo roll or washing powder or loo cleaner or more sponges or or or the 1,000,000 other things that need to be thought about whether they will be needed in the next week? Writes the shopping list? Does the shopping? Puts the shopping away?

Who checks to see if any birthday cards are needed? Buys those cards? Posts those cards? Who checks to see when their DD needs new clothes? Who buys those clothes?

Who tidies the bedroom? Who hoovers? Who cleans the cooker? Who mops the floors? Who notices that you are out of headache pills? Who buys the headache pills?

Who throws away out of date food from the fridge and cupboard?

You would be surprised at the 1001 jobs that often women seem to do without even noticing.

I fucking notice. And it all adds up to resentment and the realisation that you are exhausted because you are doing more than your FAIR share.

In the OP's situation, given her clarification that her DD is 7yo, and she works 2 days a week less than her DH, a FAIR split should be more like 75% shitwork for the OP, 25% for her DH.

It's not. Therefore, he's taking the piss. And leaving it on the seat too...

Lweji · 05/06/2013 23:29

Of course he doesn't deserve a medal.

I just wonder what exactly does he do, as the OP is drip feeding after saying he does NO housework.

His attitude still stinks. as well as his pee

Iwillorderthefood · 06/06/2013 09:21

I would get a cleaner if you can afford it. If he disagrees then have discussion again. Then get the cleaner anyway, my line would be that if he does nothing about the house in terms of day to day cleaning, then he has no input into how this gets done.

I had a similar thing with my DH, he was puzzled as I always seemed to say I was busy with the house stuff. So I stopped for a week. When he could see what happened when nothing was done, he stopped the amazed disbelief that the tasks I carried out were necessary.

burberryqueen · 06/06/2013 09:30

agree with Xenia, get a full time job and a cleaner.
you might need more earning power in the future to be honest.

thegirliesmam · 06/06/2013 09:37

Dont move for two days. dont lift a damn finger. if he asks where anything is tel him to find it. have two days off! and WHEN he asks whats gone on, because he will, tell him this is what happens when you dont move constantly, when you take time off form your job, when you fancy sitting and doing nothing. dont even dress the kids!! have a lazy time. show him how horrendous it can get and how much you have to cope with. and if he doesnt budge you demand a cleaner or do as i would do and hire one anyway. he can help or he can pay. those should be his options. dont argue. tell him not to speak. be rude as he has been to you! tell him there are only two solutions to this situation and it is dependant upon which one he dislikes less.

and what happened in the toilet..... :)

thegirliesmam · 06/06/2013 09:39

just read the thread in more detail. dont get me started on a grown mans inability to aim!! and that arguement ended up with my oh being handed a bucket.

ThreeTomatoes · 06/06/2013 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lancelottie · 06/06/2013 09:55

That's a good list, Couthy. I just ran through it and decided I do two-thirds of everything on your list, DH does about a third and the kids need a boot up the behind, frankly.

Given the long hours DH works and the fact that i have zero commuting time, that's probably a fair split -- even if he does opt for the shopping largely because he can sit in Sainsbury's reading the paper and eating a cooked breakfast .

(though your list didn't include cooking, did it? I do the daily 'oh god dinner' cooking, he does the 'nice food from a recipe' sort. Hmm...)

BeCool · 06/06/2013 09:59

I'm so glad I caught up on this thread. I've been feeling a little blue lately but now I know I simply need to cheer the fuck up as nothing at all is important or worth worrying about, as one day, someone I love might get cancer. Confused

So I should know better than to complain about or want to change anything in my life!! And just crack on regardless.

Whew! Cheers noidea - if only you could bottle that wisdom and sell it .............. Hmm

Hullygully · 06/06/2013 10:02

I haven't rtft but I would say:

Ignore him and hire a cleaner if you MUST live with an arse

or

kill him

Chubfuddler · 06/06/2013 11:04

That is pretty sound advice really

TheVermiciousKnid · 06/06/2013 11:18

Hullygully has summed it up beautifully.

Hullygully · 06/06/2013 11:44

why thank you chub and knid

AnyFucker · 06/06/2013 12:24

I concur

jjgirl · 06/06/2013 12:44

I would have just wiped his piss up with his best football shirt and put it back in the drawer. Let him sort his own piss out somewhere that's not in the way of others.
When he rants just ask him why his best football shirt is more important or worth more than his daughter. If he still doesn't get it then I don't think he ever will.

Fairenuff · 06/06/2013 17:51

Noidea I feel so sorry for you. Someone has done a real number on you.

When your marital advice is to stop complaining and wipe your husband's piss you are in a very sad place. And when you seriously believe this to be good helpful advice you are probably a hopeless case.

I hope you don't pass this misguided wisdom on to your children?

And to also suggest feigning ignorance and lying as a suitable way to communicate with said husband? Sad, so very sad Sad

Noideaaboutanything · 06/06/2013 19:05

Fair enough!

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