DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

[housework]

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

How about making a list of all tasks which need to be done. Show him the list. And say, you don't want to do these things and nor do I but they need to be done, so either we both take responsibility or we hire a cleaner. Which is it to be? If you don't undertake to do some of these things, I will hire a cleaner myself. I didn't go through my education, job blah blah in order to be allowed to be a skivvy for you. This is the 21st century and this is how it is. I don't ever want to discuss this with you again.

LTB

Get a cleaner. You earn money so you have a say in how the household budget is spent. If he gets sniffy about it make a point of telling him you're cutting back on some shopping/food/household items to pay for it.

Or, if he needs specific instructions on what to do write a manual on household chores. This is a longer term project and will require time on your part, but will prove a point.
For example: Loading the dishwasher.
Step 1 - open dishwasher (found in the kitchen)
Step 2 - remove any clean items (see separate instruction sheet for directions)
Step 3 - place dirty pans in bottom draw
Step 4 - place dirty cutlery in the handy rack also in the bottom draw
...etc, you get the picture.
But really, the money you will spend on a cleaner to do the 'big' clean will mean your chores in your days off will be manageable, your mental health will improve & you won't argue so much about housework.

We have one child. If we had more, the laziness would have tipped e over the edge by now. He's just gone and built dd's shelving unit so he knew he should respond to me somehow. It does mean tho that I won't be able to mention housework again today. He'll feel justified totake offence.

It's being approached from the wrong direction - it should be about equal access to leisure time.

I work part time and do housework in the times my dh is at work and I'm at home.

At weekends we both do it so that the other has equal access to leisure time.

If the 2 days 'at home' involve looking after children which is bloody work then you get a cleaner - or you do the bare minimum til the weekend when you can both pitch in.

At some point it may come down to 'you want to live in a shit hole and I don't' so you split up and get your own place.

How old is your child?

Do you have children? Have you given up f/t woh to take on parenting?

If so you need to be really careful. This is a man who has no understanding of the team effort required to run a family and no understanding or respect of childcare as a valuable contribution to the partnership. And as a DP rather than DW you are very very vulnerable. There is no such thing as a common-law relationship. If he is the kind of man to argue that if he earns the money it is his and he has veto he will maintain that view should you ever split. Is e house or mortgage in his name? If so you have no claim.

A v wise MN once said to me 'what is fair is not always the same as what is equal'. So you may earn less, but what is FAIR should be that your time involved in running the family is as valuable as his time earning money. And you both deserve the same time off. Therefore at weekends no one should be sitting down relaxing while the other slogs away at household chores, unless the other partner gets equal relaxation time during the week.

He has outsourced his parenting responsibility to you, you enable him to earn more money. If he won't undertake his household responsibilities, outsource them to a cleaner.

But most of all please ensure that you are protected financially. His attitude comes with a red flag flying high, about his attitude to women, to the value of parenting and household work and his lack of understanding about team work.

I suspect that the toilet issue when explained will raise a few more reed flags. If it involves you cleaning the toilet after his mess men deliberately farting and leaving dirty toilets for women to endure is a well documented form of behaviour designed to put you in your place.

He's sounding worse and worse OP. Just because he earns more than you doesn't give him the right to superiority over you, and to have the right to ignore your views. It sounds a very unequal partnership, and I feel a bit sad for you. I hope you can talk to him about this, and that he'll listen.

He sounds horrible and deeply unattractive.

The reason he doesn't do housework is because he doesn't want to and doesn't feel responsible for it either, because in his world, it is women's work. A cleaner is bound to be a woman, so that would merely reinforce the sexism.

Don't infantilise him with lists. His boss doesn't have to do that to get him to pull his weight at work.

Don't ever describe housework or childcare as 'help' either. 'Helping' implies it's your responsibility in the first place.

These threads are never just about housework.

They are about sexist, selfish men who don't care about the unfairness or the upset they create.

So the answer lies in tackling his attitudes as a person and his feelings towards you. And making a judgement about that, including whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's that selfish and sexist.

The toilet thing was as you might expect- wee all over rim, wee spray on floor and seat up. It's not a deliberate ploy just carelessness and lack of respect for the person wiping it up. I could leave it for him but dd would end up accidentally sitting on it.
I did once make little signs taped to the ring asking him to wipe his wee and out the seat down. They may aswell and might have been invisible to him. After a few days I'd find the signs covered in wee, no wiping done.
If I ask him to read this thread, he'll hunt through for dissenters, possible holes on arguments and just ignore. I think I need to read suggested books and take it from there. Thanks for all advice.

If my partner wrote me notes stuck to the toilet instructing me how to clean it once I'd weed, I would be royally fucked off.

The toilet thing is just disgusting, disrespectful behaviour.

Doesn't he care that his child might sit in it?

Rainbow
"If my partner wrote me notes stuck to the toilet instructing me how to clean it once I'd weed, I would be royally fucked off"

Are you able to use the toilet without leaving wee all over the seat, rim and floor, that other people, INCLUDING YOUR CHILD, might sit in?

If not, then you have no right at all to be "royally fucked off" - you deserve to be left instructions.

I'd seriously get some tape and tape each room down the middle. Half his half mines. If clean my half, do my washing, cooking, dishes. Anything of his finding its way into my half I'd dump back over the tape.

I can be childish I know but his arrogance!

Oh wait. Actually, I wouldn't be with him in the first place - I don't know how you put up with that.

Badinage, I agree with everything you say. He couldn't bear not to have me. I think his behaviour is so ingrained and I don't have the resolve to make daily challenges, the fights wear me out.

even my dinosaur of a father 'helps' with the housework. I think the point is its unacceptable to the op. It would be bloody unacceptable to me too.

We have set tasks but dh isn't allowed to use the washing machine Pink knickers anyone?

I couldn't live with that kind of attitude nor would I want to!

....feel like puking at the toilet habit! I take it all back about 3 days versus 5 - get a cleaner and tell him to either clean or put up with it.

So he thinks all you are fit for is to clean up his stinking piss?

Nice

When I moved in with DH I suggested to him that we could split jobs. He could pick first, his least favorite job and that would be mine. In return he would do my next least favorite.

Him: Clean toilets.
Me: OK I'll do bathrooms. Washing up.
Him: cooking.
Me: Hoovering

Everything else is an equal split but I'm better at cleaning so generally he'll tidy while I clean floors etc. He works away weeks at a time so I get to do it all for myself and the DDs for a few weeks but we slip back into that general rule when he's home.

Could you split jobs in this way?

OP, do you ever really see this changing? Because honestly he would need a personality transplant to change his behaviour as it comes from deep rooted beliefs that you are not worth as much as him because you are a woman, and you need to be put in your place whenever you try to argue against that position.

Of course it's fair to unilaterally get a cleaner. If he was a reasonable person you'd discuss it. As he seems to be not only unreasonable but also bone idle, you get on and do it. He seems to have a huge sense of entitlement about what his extra working hours (and I'd assume financial contribution) earn him in terms of special treatment.... and with respect... you're rather going along with it at the moment. Does his selfish attitude extend to other things? Money? Leisure time?

The toilet things is disgusting. Who does he think he is?

Do you have two loos? In which case, next time he leaves it in a state, put a 'daddy only' sign on the door and put a 'mummy and child only' sign on the other. Leave him to his wee and skid marks.

BTW.. a cleaner won't solve the disgusting toilet business. I have a 13yo and he's more considerate than that...