DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

[housework]

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

Honestly - a cleaner will not solve the problem. It might address a few of the surface symptoms and reduce your workload, but it will also be rewarding him for being a sexist lazyarse who evaded toilet training as a child. Plus he'd see a lowly paid woman doing his cleaning for him.

You'd end up cleaning the loo before she came.

He sounds like the sort of pointless twat who loves winning arguments and who never learnt to debate and resolve.

How these blokes manage to get anyone to have sex with them is beyond me...

Wouldn't you rather be with a real man?

He wants individual instructions

I would bullet point the instructions for him like this

bullet point one

pull your trousers down

bullet point two

pull out your knob from your pants

bullet point three

pull your knob back and forth

bullet point four

now you are a true wanker

bullet point five

he does it as he is allowed to by you, stop allow it

I don't know what the answer is, but if it helps you to know that other people are worse off than you, then I'll admit that when I read your post, I thought you were lucky because your OH mowed the lawn.

Mine doesn't even do that. He cuts the hedges once a year, when I ask him, but I'm not allowed to ask more than once - that's nagging - but he leaves the cuttings for me to pick up/bag up/take to the dump. That's all.

I have recently taught myself to re-putty windows by watching a video on youtube, and have re-painted the outside of the house and all the exterior woodwork alone.

It is not worth me fighting with him about it, because the row always ends up 'nasty' and one of us is an ex-pat from our home country and there is always the worry that we might decide to up and go home. Apparently it's me who gets 'nasty'. I don't know. Get confused these days and have given up really.

OP, I am truly shocked at his toilet behaviour. That would be totally unacceptable for a primary school child. He KNOWS you don't piss all over the toilet seat and he KNOWS that if you do so then you clean it up! My male cousin has severe SN and he uses the toilet perfectly well and would wipe any wee off with toilet roll. Even if your DH has a medical issue that makes him piss everywhere (and if he has, he should be seeing a Dr and sitting down to wee), any decent person would want to clean their own piss up. Would you leave your piss on a seat for someone else to deal with? You know you wouldn't and you know that even if you were deeply ill when you weed on it, you'd try to clean it rather than leaving it for anyone else to deal with, even if you were in hospital. And you know why you would do it, too - because it is freaky, disgusting, abnormal and socially unacceptable to do so, as it demeans and insults anyone who then has to deal with it. So how come he does it to you? What does that truly say about how he views you?

That proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he not just has no respect for you, but that he sees you as inferior, not fully human, either. I presume you have heard of the term 'pissing contest' to mean a competion to see who is the best and superior? Well, he is literally doing this.

Leavung your own piss for another adult to clean up, and not even caring if your own child sits on it or touches it, is deeply bizarre, demeaning and abusive behaviour.

This will really teach your DD some horribly damaging things about the way she should expect men to treat her when she is an adult. She is learning that she is not even worthy of being able to expect to not sit on someone else's piss. Very, very damaging.

Thisis not about housework, OP. This supposedly intelligent man, who can see the viewpoints of others, is behaving like some sort of ignorant animal at home. One of the classis signs of an abuser is how fab they appear to the outside world compared to how contemptuously they treat their partner and kids at home. And please don't say he is a good father - a good father does not leave his urine for his child to sit on, or treat the child's mother like some subhuman skivvy.

And to reiterate - pissing everywhere and not cleaning it is not carelessness. And the lack of respect you mention casually is anything but trivial. That he would piss on the very signs telling not to, is actually quite chilling in what it says about his level of contempt for you. It must be so, so humiliating to have to lower yourself to leave signs for another adult to beg them not to leave their piss everywhere to deal with.

It's so far from normal, I can't see how you will ever get him to respect you or not adversely affect your DD with his sexist contempt, much less pull his weight with housework.

He couldn't bear not to have me

Oh but he could you see.

What he couldn't bear is not to have a woman or A Another clearing up after him.

If he really couldn't bear not to have you, he'd start behaving like an adult and treating you as his equal.

This is why these threads are never just about housework.

They are about men who don't love enough.

Aww pinkfelttip, I really feel for you-that sounds awful. My dh is not great but not awful, I'm pregnant with no 2 due in july & have recently stopped cooking & started doing less round the house as I'm tired.

As we have an en-suite & bathroom I unofficially use the bathroom & let dh have en suite himself which helps a bit-I don't ever clean it. Until recently we did separate laundry then on a sunny day I washed all his dirty stuff-there was loads. He was shocked & obviously delighted but I did say could he just put dirty stuff in wash basket going forward & he has.

My point is that different people react differently to an approach. My dh would get offended & annoyed if I had a pop at him for e.g. Leaving a beer bottle top on the side rather than putting it in the bin a few yards away. I think it's truly hard to change ingrained behaviour & it can be the thing that breaks up a relationship.

Maybe it's worth going to counselling, although that may sound extreme, it's neutral territory where someone else can intervene. Our attitudes are all or mostly down to how we were raised & it's really eye opening to realise this & address it.

Treat yourself well, if you are real upset at the imbalance & therefore unhappy, you owe it to yourself & rest of your family to sort it out as it has a big impact on your life. It's not just small stuff, it's what life is made of so we shouldn't trivialise it.

People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you.

I dont understand threads like this - you are a couple sharing the same home ? Why would one partner not want to contribute to that ? As DP and I can on occasion work a 60 hour week and have teenage DT's we have a cleaner and use an ironing service but the day to day jobs get done by both of us (with help from kids). There isn't a list of who does what - it just has to get done. I'm a cant cook, won't cook but have no problem tidying up the kitchen afterwards. DP is no fan of doing the laundry but is quite happy to change th bedding - its all about sharing and making sure there isn't an imbalance

What would he do if he lived alone? Who would he expect to clean up after him then?
And even supposing you spent your two "non-work" days doing general housework, why does it then also fall to you to do all those things that need doing daily, like cooking, washing up, general tidying etc..? After a full day's work, plus sorting out your dd once you get home? You can hardly leave Monday's washing up until Thursday because that's your next day off.

My partner does bits of cleaning in my house......and me his......the other day he had a bath and left a lot of hair in it.....I told him.....I didnt clear it up.....he said havent you done it?....I said, no I thought I'd leave it for you to do, since you left it like that.....when I came back, job done, no comments made.......

I would guess that hardly any men do their fair share. I've never met a man that does. It's crap work and men prefer it if someone does it for them. It's usually a case of like it or lump it. I lumped it.

I still don't like houswork but it's so much better doing it on my own, than sweeping around the lazy lump of a man in the corner.

OP I think you're past strategies, explanations and logical arguments.

Your DH doesn't respect you and won't change unless forced.

Actions speak louder than words; stop doing anything for him. Bite the bullet and let his clothes dirty, let him forage his own food etc. and above all don't engage in a discussion about it.

"I would guess that hardly any men do their fair share. I've never met a man that does."

Then you're mixing in the wrong circles, and with women who tolerate it. I hardly know any men who don't pull their weight in some way - one or two who don't do much housework (dh for example, although he can and will when required, but he does do all the food shopping, cooking, dog walking and around a quarter of the dishwasher duties - kids do the rest).

Happy even if you think that statement is true, doesnt make it right.

I think if someone is working really hard and supporting the household financially then it's fair they do less?! I wouldn't make do cook for himself at 9.30 when he gets in when my daughter has been in bed since 7 and I have been watching corrie! Supporting financially is really hard work too. I used to have a very well paid job and it was far too stressful for me so I now have a low paid part time job and am happy if that just means I have to cook!

Seems to me like his child would be better off brought up by a single mum too!

You can see the genetics cant you? I bet that is why his mum left his dad, he seems more hard work than he is worth it!

If my dh made my life so much harder, I would rather he was not in it?

Why dont you divorce him?

I've not read all the posts. Can you afford a cleaner? If so, get one. Its not worth arguing about. If not, draw up a list and allocate it together. If you are at home 2 days/week I think it reasonable there is more stuff you might do on those days. But hard to clean with kids under your feet. Could he take the kids out saturday (shopping?) whilst you clean?

But Yummy its ok for someone to do less if they are working more in another area. What's not ok is making a disgusting mess and leaving it for others. That's just rude.

Damn right Badinage.

He doesnt do it because he doesnt care enough.

Because he is more important than you.

And because he can in practice get away with it.

You are there to meet his needs, including his emotional needs.

That looks like love. It is NOT.

To every young woman on this thread, if there are any: it took me 23 years too really see this. But it is so true.

Please dont allow him to disrespect you like this. Nor anyone else, for that matter.

Sorry OP - but you can't fix this unless he wants to. This is who he is, I would put money on the fact you have done the bulk of the housework from day one, he was like this before you had DCs, but it was more manageable before when you were both out of the house full time so not there making a mess, and you didn't have the work of looking after a child.

You can draw up a full list of everything that needs doing in the house, but unless you are prepared to end this relationship and he realises it's a deal breaker, he's not going to change, because why should he? It's not his responsibility as far as he is concerned, you've already accepted this 'deal' for years, the work is being done because you're doing it, why should he choose to take on your work if he doesn't have to? Buy accepting this for so long, you've allowed him to allocate this as your work. At most, you are looking at paying someone else to do 2-3 hours of it, but that's hardly the total amount of time you spend doing housework.

I wouldn't be with a man this selfish who saw housework as my job in the first place, DH's and my relationship wouldn't have lasted the first 6 months of living together if he didn't do a lot of the jobs round the house. It's going to take a lot to change him, nagging without any threat behind it isn't going to work.

The more I think about the toilet thing, the more disgusted I feel for you and DD - he really is pissing all over you, DD and the relationship. Think about what he is telling you and DD about his views of women and how his ego is far more important.

You do not have to suck it up.

He is forcing you to wipe his piss, he knows you will do it, to prevent your dd from sitting in it.

What a disgusting piss-taking turd he is....

OP not all men are like this and some of the people who have said that you should do the housework because you only work 3 days a week are wrong, wrong, wrong.

My DH is not great at housework but he does it, just in his own way. Sometimes I have to ask but I only have to ask once. I am certainly not expected to do all the housework (and I work 3 days a week too). He does his fair share including dishwasher, washing machine, ironing, bins, hoover etc

The toilet stuff is disgusting, he should KNOW that peeing all over the seat and splashing is not on and should be wiped. I had to intensely instruct my DH to clean the toilet with the brush after doing skiddy poos but he's got it now.

The problem is he expects you to do it all and you have been. Nothing will change unless you stop doing it all. I agree with other posters: leave his clothes where they fall don't do his washing. When you ask him to do some housework and he says "what in particular?" you say "yes: wipe the toilet down with a cloth and bleach, rinse it out so that it sparkles then take all the bin bags out of the bins and put them outside" etc etc

A man (or any other partner) who doesn't bother to help their partner is being disrespectful, they simply don't care enough about YOU to bother.