Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

372 replies

housework · 02/06/2013 09:31

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Catmint · 05/06/2013 21:07

It is obtuse to argue that it is just about housework. Read the other posts by the OP.

The way the OPs partner behaves over housework reveals that he does not respect what she does, and probably does not respect her either.

OxfordBags · 05/06/2013 21:10

Fuuuuuucking Christ on a shitting unicycle, who needs male misogynists when there are female ones like noidea about?! Still, at least she has the good grace to have chosen a username that forewarns you that she has no clue whatsoever.

I think what worries me most about women like noidea is the breathtaking lack of perception and the incedible inability that's almost an actual refusal to understand nuance, implication, inference and the like. That something like a girl witnessing her mother having to do everything around the house, despite working only slightly less than the father, and said father leaving his piss all over the toilet for his wife to wipe up, not caring that either wife or daughter might accidentally sit on that piss, or touch it, is actual abusive to the child, as it a huge part of what will form her innermost belief about what being a woman, and being a woman in a relationship means, what it entails, what you have to do, what you must accept, how you can expect to be treated, etc., etc.

Doing zero to pull your weight as part of the family outside of wage earning, and leaving your human waste for others to deal with, not caring about the gross-out factor and sheer humiliation it could cause your child is the behaviour of someone not just an abusive shitbag, but actually someone very twisted, and calculatedly, coldly controlling and weird. It is abnormal behaviour. And noidea, you know that if this was a man describing such behaviour in his wife, you would not be giving the same 'advice'.

This freak knows that his is forcing his wife to clean up his piss because he knows she will not risk letting her daughter get into contact with it, or have to deal with it. He is willing to degrade, humiliate and potentially pass on germs to his own daughter (in what is actually quite a sinister, almost sexual fashion) in order to play his needledick control games with his wife. That is sick. It is so far beyond not doing enough housework and having rubbish bladder control.

AnyFucker · 05/06/2013 21:10

it's that lobotomy what dun it

pictish · 05/06/2013 21:10

Tondelayo - I did laugh there. Naughty of me I know, but you summed that up so well. Grin

noidea - I think you had better go, as you said. Hubby's tea won't cook itself will it? Chop chop!

MrsDeVere · 05/06/2013 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 05/06/2013 21:12

Noidea, you are wrong at so many levels that I don't even feel the will to reply to you point by point.

Although, if one was to follow Noidea points, then I'd stop working away from home altogether and be a sahm. Taking as much time during the day as time off, as the husband would take during the weekend and evenings.
So, 2x16 hours =32, plus 2 hours a day, so 5x2=10 (lower estimate), giving a total of 42 hours.
Thus, I would be sitting on my arse while H was away and only work when he was at home.
That would feel fair. Anything else is not.
Never mind salary. A woman working at home, while the husband does nothing, deserves half his salary, because she enables him to work and to rest the rest of the time.

AnyFucker · 05/06/2013 21:13

...remember to let darling hubby piss on your chips before you eat 'em

Noideaaboutanything · 05/06/2013 21:16

OMG the man is now a child sexual predator, never mind I am off this condescending and quite ridiculous thread, you are all so weirded and probably sit at home in your own loveless semi-abusive relationships making others feel they have massive problems in their lives.

GoodbyePorkPie · 05/06/2013 21:19

If Noidea is a 46-year-old woman about to fetch a gin cocktail and slippers for her homeward-bound DH then I am Father Christmas.

pictish · 05/06/2013 21:21

Listen to MrsDevere will you? She does have an idea.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 05/06/2013 21:21

If noidea talks like she writes no wonder her husband works 13 hour days.

MrsDeVere · 05/06/2013 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catmint · 05/06/2013 21:26

Grin Tondelayo

IfNotNowThenWhen · 05/06/2013 21:29

Is this thread even real? Please don't take offence if It is OP, but WHY did you ever have a child with this loser?
You can't train him, and why the Hell should you??
It is no woman's job to train their husband to behave like an adult. I agree with Dahlen, in that VERY few men do as much as they think, and MOST women do more than they let on, but this guy seems like a lost cause.
You reading this OP's husband?
My 7 year old know that he has to clean up his own mess. Unless you have some kind of cognitive disorder you do not need detailed instructions to help keep your house clean.It's pretty basic. If your wife leaves you it will serve you right.

OxfordBags · 05/06/2013 21:35

Off you pop in your time machine, noidea, back to 1913. If you hurry, you might even be able to save Emily Davison from the king's horse (oh, those pesky suffragettes and their hysterical and evil notions of equality!).

I think if someone close to me had cancer (actually, 2 people close to me have cancer right now, sadly), then it would be even more important that my spouse pulled their weight. Because if they couldn't and wouldn't support me, then that's the opposite of love and commitment? Which, um - and bear with me here, I know this is a radical concept - kinda works as a concept even if no-one in the family is ill. And, if I had tolerated some scummy loser pissing over the seat for me to clean up, then dealing with the hell of cancer in the family would see me getting the motherfucker to lick that bogseat as clean as a shiny cunting pin with his tongue, let me tell you.

But that's just me. I'm sure that someone who has gone through the worst thing imaginable due to cancer would feel differently. Oh, no, wait...

PS Still, at least you didn't prove my accusations about inability to comprehend nuance right, with your stuff about 'child sexual predator'. Hmm

IfNotNowThenWhen · 05/06/2013 21:43

Actually , my ds recently told his dad off (my Ex) for leaving his cereal bowl on the table and not transferring it to the sink! Grin
He knows by now that Mummy doesn't exist to tidy up after him.
You're welcome future DIL Grin

IfNotNowThenWhen · 05/06/2013 21:44
OxfordBags · 05/06/2013 21:49

My son is 2 and puts his dishes by or in the sink, helps lay the table, wipes up the table after he's eaten, puts his own clothes in the dirty linen basket, does some easy food prep, and uses a toy broom to 'help' when I or DH sweep up. I suspect he might already do more than the OP's husband. And if the OP's DH is reading, I wonder if he will feel any shame that someone who cannot even say their own name yet is already more respectful and better around the home than he is. Still, they both need to wear nappies, so they've got that in common.

DeckSwabber · 05/06/2013 22:03

I'm not sure how helpful all this is to the OP.

It took many years for her P to establish his position, no doubt enabled by his parents and other women in his life, and it won't change overnight. He needs to learn, perhaps for the first time, the joy of sharing and nurturing. Sadly, he doesn't know what he is missing.

The key thing to me is what is being passed on to the daughter.

CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 22:07

All I can say is "fucking hell, even my 9yo with SN's and physical issues can clean his piss off the toilet seat with some tissue (then again, he doesn't piss on the seat because he LIFTS IT), and use a loo brush to clean any skids he has left. Does your DH have no arms? That wound be a reasonable excuse for being unable to lift the seat, or clean up after he has phased everywhere. Anything else, not so much..."

He's one step less evolved than a Neanderthal, IMO.

Buy some ping ping balls, put one down the loo, and if anyone that comes to your house questions it, shame him by explaining that you are trying to potty train your DH, as he is incapable of aiming properly...

CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 22:25

Why should the OP's DH get to hire a cleaner to do just his share of the work? Surely if THEY hire a cleaner, then they take a FAIR split if the other shitwork?! Fair meaning a 2/3-1/3 split of anything that the cleaner hasn't done.

If a family hires a cleaner, that cleaner doesn't do 'his' share of the housework, or 'her' share, rather, the cleaner lightens the load that is left to be split between them.

Any division of shitwork should come AFTER the cleaner's work has been done.

Otherwise the DH would still be delegating 'his' share to the cleaner whilst STILL expecting the OP to do 100% of everything else - including cleaning his piss of the loo when the cleaner isn't about.

That would not change his attitude in the slightest.

Original poster
housework · 05/06/2013 22:26

Sorry to drip feed. He didn't stalk me. I told him about the thread. Also he cooks my dinner about 5 nights a week. I don't say this to excuse any thing else I've described. I still wish he would discuss housework issue with kindness and respect and to do his bit without being nagged to.

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 22:28

I went on strike. He left. The house is a lot tidier, and I'm doing less than half the work I was before...

Because HE was making all the fucking mess!

CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 22:31

Noidea - if the buttons on the washing machine are too small for a man's 'fat fingers', then get a new washing machine with larger buttons.

Cheaper than a divorce.

Of course, that man with 'fat fingers' will then come up with a new excuse (and that's all it is) as to why he can't possibly use the new washing machine with buttons big enough for his 'fat fingers'.

You really fall for that shit?! Confused Hmm

DeckSwabber · 05/06/2013 22:32

housework I think many people would include cooking as housework!

I'm always amazed anyone counts walking the dog. When I had a dog this was a pleasure. I also never begrudge cleaning up after the cats or chickens because they are mine.

However, I agree that nobody should be left with the really shit jobs because they are beneath the other persons dignity to do.