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Original poster

DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

372 replies

housework · 02/06/2013 09:31

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
5madthings · 02/06/2013 18:31

He leaves piss all over the logo seat for you to clean up?!! That is fucking rank! As all four if my boys aged 13, 10, 8 and 5 know not to leave the toilet dirty with piss!!

He should be pulling his weight, I am sahm and dp works long hours so when he is at work I do the bulk of housework but when he is at home we are both on duty and he just gets on with stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc, I don't have to tell him what to do, he just does it.

peteypiranha · 02/06/2013 18:33

Happy - I think its a shame you have such low expectations of the majority of men. I dont think its true at all ime.

Blu · 02/06/2013 18:49

My brother, BIL, DP, cousins and all make friends And partners of female friends see all household and family tasks as share and share alike. Obviously things are flexible according to how each family lives wrt to paid work, length of commute, children's timetables. None of these men recognise any 'women's work ' demarcation or think paid work scores more decision making power. Not do the women I know (including myself) who are the higher earners or main breadwinners.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 02/06/2013 19:07

Frankly OP, I would have lost my temper about this a very long time ago. You have the power here. Just go on strike. Seriously, actions speak louder than words. Bin bag for your DP's dirty clothes that he won't wash, separate washing up bowl for his dishes. Only cook and shop for you and your DC. Hopefully your tactics will bring your DP to see sense and begin to act like a partner and not a spoilt toddler.

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 19:47

I think you should pee on something of his and leave it there for him to clean. He might get the point then. Does he own golf clubs?

PicardyThird · 02/06/2013 20:15

Oh, the loo thing is just completely disgusting. My 8- and 5yo sons manage to wee without leaving it everywhere. And the letting wee splash the signs is deliberate disrespect, I'm afraid.

I work 25-30h to dh's 45-50. The earnings gap isn't as pronounced as with you, but he does earn more. I do more of the housework because I have more time available (i work from home, dh doesn't). But when we are both home, it's all hands on deck. An example: Today. He gave the dc breakfast, fed the cats, sorted out lunch and the kitchen, made a fairly elaborate dinner, bathed the dc, put the dishwasher on. I had a lie-in, cleaned the bathroom, did a couple of loads of washing, changed the dc's beds, made pudding, cleaned floors. We each scooped out the litter trays once. We both tidied and wiped in the kitchen as and when. We all went swimming as a family.

That's teamwork. Dh wouldn't dream of not doing his share because he has a penis.

SoTiredAgain · 02/06/2013 20:34

I feel sick. He pees everywhere and doesn't clean up? A serious lack of respect. OP, he is deliberately winding you up.

FFS, my 5 year old DS cleans up after himself.

Pilgit · 02/06/2013 20:36

Apologies if this point has been made but for me being with a man like this would be a real turn off. Two things you could point out: 1) I am not your mother and treating me as such is a real turn off - do you really want to shag your mother (and I have no interest in shagging someone that acts like my son) and 2) I am not your servant, housekeeper or whore - if you want any of those things I suggest you pay for them; if you want me I suggest you start treating me with respect as quite frankly a lack of respect is making me fall out of love with you. I would then withhold sex until there was some improvement - I wouldn't tell him that was the intention as that comes across as petty but until I was shown respect I wouldn't get turned on

Sounds harsh, but there is a lot of truth in foreplay starting with the washing up.... How the household chores are split is a decision for each partnership and no one else can say what is equitable in a particular situation but how much free time each partner has is a good judge.

deleted203 · 02/06/2013 20:41

Sounds awful. I'd get a cleaner, personally, and pay for it from joint account. If he doesn't like it then he can do half the fucking housework instead.

Alternatively I'd be washing my own clothes and not his, etc.

blackcurrants · 02/06/2013 20:48

I'll bet he doesn't piss all over the bogs at work, for fear that someone else will come in after him and judge him.

He does it at home because he wants to make you clean up his piss.

What a horrible man.

Triumphoveradversity · 02/06/2013 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage · 02/06/2013 20:52

Well bollocks to going without sex because of being in a relationship with a fuckwit. I can quite see why the OP wouldn't want sex with this man, but do without sex itself? I should cocoa! Wink

If I didn't want sex with the bloke I was with, I'd leave and find someone I did want sex with.

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 21:25

Well his personal hygiene habits are dodgy to say the least. Sex? Eeeew

OxfordBags · 03/06/2013 00:24

blackcurrants makes an excellent point, OP - you know he does not piss all over the seats and leave it there, at work. So how he does so at home? To only be careless at home, when your skivvy, sorry, partner has no choice but to clean it up, to protect your daughter from getting in contact with it, is the opposite of careless - it is deiberate and calculated. If he can manage not to do it at work (and I bet he does all the little boring and cruddy tasks his job entails without refusing to do them because any request or instruction is insulting, or insisting on an intensely detailed list of every tiny aspect of said tasks) - you really, really have to ask yourself why he does it at home?

pumpkinsweetie · 03/06/2013 00:26

Like others have said, leave the housework, the toilet and the cooking for a few days. He will soon get off his backsideGrin

gohound · 03/06/2013 00:36

From the little you've written here, it could be inferred that your are a doormat and he has no respect for you. I sympathise with you, but seriously, he doesn't just refuse to run the hoover, he actually wees all over the toilet floor and walks away because wifey will clean up? And that's her role? You need to have a deep think about this, OP. That is messed up.

LayMeDown · 03/06/2013 02:50

He pisses all over the toilet? I can't believe this. I have never heard of the fact that some men leave skidmarks and piss all over the toilet. I swear in 12 years with DH I have never had to clean up his urine or poo. I have a 4 yr. old DS and if I discover the bathroom in a less than desirable state after him he is brought in to clean up with me.
Your H is a disgusting pig. I bet you he doesn't do this when he is visiting someone's house or when he is working. God how is it possible to find someone attractive who expects you to wipe up their piss because they can't be arsed?

wheredidiputit · 03/06/2013 07:35

I don't think get a cleaner will sort out him anyway.

It's not the day to day cleaning that the issue here, it's the lack of respect from your H.

Even if you and a cleaner keep everything spotless he would still piss all over the toilet, drop his rubbish on the floor and refuse to take his plate/cups to wash up because he sees it as your 'job'.

For no other reason then he has been bought up to believe the world revolves around (at home) as would not behave like this at work as something would be said to him before now.

ClarryG · 03/06/2013 07:42

I feel that when my DH avoids the housework it is partly because it is beneath him in his eyes, this may or may not be the case ( I suspect it is) so I seriously grudge doing it. The problem is then you are left bearing an angry grudge against them, and the tit for tat starts.

The pissing on the toilet is a way of him getting his own back for some grudge he bears against you.

You could try leaving a list for him, but this might not work as he might race through it in 5 mins when he gets home, ignoring DD whilst you are still left caring for DD, cooking the meal AND doing your allotted tasks. Would you be happy with that?

I would get a cleaner. Otherwise you will both spend your time scoring points off each other. It looks to me that he is 'disrespecting' you but behaving like this (pissing on the toilet and not helping). Does he secretly disrespect his mother as she didn't have a husband, or some other reason he has for treating his wife like a skivvy?

Try some serious talking. Not whingeing or trying to reason with him, but seriously discuss you emotions around this and try to find out his.

ClarryG · 03/06/2013 07:43

by behaving like this not but.

Chandon · 03/06/2013 07:50

Op, you go about it the wrong way.

Just read page 1 btw as on mobile

But, best way is to ask help or for a specific thing to be done ( can you unload the dishwasher? Give me a hand with the dishes) etc.

One big conversation about vague unfairness leads to nothing ( as you have noticed)

Try " will you cook this Tuesday as I am working late" and things like that.

Men And women should do equal amounts of housework of their own bat, it is often said on MN, but the reality is that some men are not in the habit ( yet!) as nobody ( parents) ever expected them to lift a finger.

So keep asking for specific help until it becomes habit

Chandon · 03/06/2013 08:00

Oh wow, the pissing thing is really bad...

Poppy55 · 03/06/2013 08:05

I sort of agree with him that you should do more. You have two days to do the housework....
I have a Massive house, two children and i manage.

He needs to wipe the loo, that's grim. I woukd ask him each time. like a child

I think you should get a cleaner and go back to work full time. The whole point of not working is to make home life easier is it not?
My Dh earns a six figure salary so i don't need to work, i'm not going to ask him to do his own washing when he gets home. We have divided the responsibilites, the house is mine.

I think the more of a battle you make it the less he will help. A casual " oh can you just do...." would probably be better.

clam · 03/06/2013 09:49

poppy How will 2 days' of housework solve the problem of him peeing all over the loo?

As fairenuff said earlier: "So they both work, say Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 9-6 and she does housework on Thursday and Friday 9-6 and has evenings and weekends off, just like her dh.

Sod the cooking at the weekend. The piss can stay on the seat from Friday evening til the following Thursday morning. Dd can pop round to use the neighbours loo in the meantime."

BeCool · 03/06/2013 10:01

Truly depressing situation. I totally agree it's not about lists etc and getting a cleaner will not resolve the urine issue.

If I was living with someone who did no housework, pissed everywhere and didn't clean up after himself and expected me to be general skivvy and dogsbody I would really feel like I was living with someone who despised me and had no respect for me.

It would not be a sustainable situation. I imagine the OP has pretty much lost her sex drive WRT her partner also. How deeply unappealing he must be. Do you think your H realises he is killing your relationship OP?

At the very least I would stop doing anything for him until HE comes up with a solution. OP you have tried and all efforts have been rejected. He knows how you feel and cares not. Make it his problem & make it up to him to solve the problem.