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Relationships

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Original poster

DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

372 replies

housework · 02/06/2013 09:31

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

rubyflipper · 02/06/2013 10:08

Get a cleaner.

wheredidiputit · 02/06/2013 10:09

If he won't help then stop doing things for him.

Don't do his washing. Don't cook for him.

Put all his rubbish/dirty clothes in black sacks in his car.

If he ask why you not doing his stuff tell him you are not his mother and he is a adult so he needs to start being one.

Is your house rented or bought. If it rented I would be tempted to tell as soon as you can you will be moving to a smaller house by yourself and he can get own and live in a pigsty.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/06/2013 10:09

No you both run a house - all monies earned should be equally divided. Sounds like there is financial abuse and inequality as well...not surprised.

Your input is just as important as his - without you, he probably would not have done as well in his job. Without you to prop him up, he wouldn't be able to earn the money he does.

3littlefrogs · 02/06/2013 10:12

Do you have children together OP?

onefewernow · 02/06/2013 10:13

HW this issue amongst others came up on my Relate sessions. The counsellor got me to see that he didn't do stuff because he didn't want to and did do other selfish things because he did want to. And right there and then, for the first time in over 20 years, he admitted it.

OxfordBags · 02/06/2013 10:13

I think Chopin's idea is a good one here, as, if he such a man of logic (although lazy, entitled sexism is thebopposite of logical), he will have a hard time defending himself when confronted with the black and white proof of how much needs doing to keep a home and family running, and how little he does.

If you do, don't just list all the household chores. Add all the gardening. Add the remembering birthdays and Xmas and shopping for them, writing and wapping, sending them. Add all the family communication I bet you do instead of him. Add posting stuff. Add making appointments and making sure people attend them. Do you have DC? Add every little thing you do for them, even down to outfit planning. It's all work. Add everything you do when not at work to keep everything running. Running a home is not just about hoovering, cooking, cleaning, all those more obvious (or not to him) things. It's you remembering to send his Gran some flowers after a fall, when it'd not even occur to him to acknowledge. Stuff like that. Add it all.

And then add what he does.

I bet you will shocked. And even more pissed off than you are already.

Then show it him. If he isn't shocked or doesn't care, then you will have to accept that this man simply does not respect you, and has a pretty foul opinion of women and 'women's work'. You'll then have to consider if you want to stay with a man so disrespectful of you and is perfectly happy for you to shoulder all this crap yourself and have a massive imbalance in your relationship, him knowing full well and enjoying that all benefit in this goes to him, and that you will be teaching this awful, sexisy dynamic to any Dc you have OR do you leave.

shushpenfold · 02/06/2013 10:13

Really - seriously? I agree with Lizzabadger....if you're working 3 days a week and he's working 5, use the 2 days to do the housework. We have an equal split in our house, but when I was a SAHM my dh did no housework (apart from the odd bit of clearing up after meals at the weekend) If however he literally doesn't clear up after himself EVER, then I would give him a list!

VisualiseAHorse · 02/06/2013 10:15

Stop doing things for him. Stop washing his clothes, stop washing his dishes. Don't put things away for him. Only hoover half the bedroom. Petty, but it might work.

Rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2013 10:16

Do you have children? If so what ages? You work 3 days a week and I assume he does 5?

something2say · 02/06/2013 10:17

Hmm the inequality of him working two full days more than you do kinda makes this difficult....

Why do you only work part time? Also are you going to be ok career wise and money wise if you do end up splitting?

I personally would work full time and THEN split the chores equally.....and if he won't do them, stop cooking for him....

specialsubject · 02/06/2013 10:18

and again....the reason you have sex with this man is...????

rubyflipper · 02/06/2013 10:21

Even if you don't have a job - get a cleaner.

Your husband doesn't want to clean; you can't cope with a bigger house (and as someone who has moved to a larger property, I do sympathise).

Pay someone else to do it.

Jengnr · 02/06/2013 10:21

Just get a cleaner.

We used to argue like fuck about housework, we're both pretty lazy and untidy but my threshold his lower than his so it was always me that did it. Then I'd get pissed off and we'd fall out.

We have a cleaner now so once a week at least the house gets tidied and doesn't degenerate into a cess pit and we're much happier for it.

OxfordBags · 02/06/2013 10:23

x-post. He doesn't want a list because he knows full well how it will detail how horrendous the imbalance between you two is, and that he simply can't defend himself against it. When he says he was offended, that was him being defensive about having to confront that he is treating you like shit, choosing to do so too. But, sweetheart, he wants individual instructions, because they will help obscure the issue and allow him to nitpick and prevaricate. If he has an intellectual persona and job, he will live to find holes in things like instructions, people's opinions and so on. He will use a list of instructions to try to prove you are being illogical, expecting too much, petty, wtc. He will claim that what you have written is patronising and he won't do it because he is insulted and then he will say other things are too complicated/outrageous/unfair, etc., and he won't do them because you are being unrealistic, selfish and unreasonable. He will nitpick the individual instructions until you are unsure as to what is night and day, up and down, black and white.... And you will think that trying to get him to pitch in is just too much effort and that you might as well just do it all as normal.

Remember this - a decent man would be offended that his partner was unhappy and that he was treating her unfairly. This man gets offended at the idea of his partner being his equal and expecting to be treated with respect.

DeckSwabber · 02/06/2013 10:24

Intrigued - what was it with the toilet?

OxfordBags · 02/06/2013 10:24

I'm sorry, but working less hours than a partner does not mean the Op should do everything to run the home. I am a SAHM and my DH pitches in plenty. It's about respect.

MrsDeVere · 02/06/2013 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yummymumtobe · 02/06/2013 10:27

Gosh, I don't think it is so bad as people are making out! My dp is a bit the same largely as a result of coming from a family of boys with a mother who did everything and relished her role as homemaker. When we both worked full time our solution was to have a cleaner. If he wouldn't clean why should I? Now I work 3 days as we have dd. we still have a cleaner though. I do most of washing, food shopping and cooking though. But I like those tasks so don't mind. He pays the mortgage so I can't complain too much! Think I am lucky to work 3 days!

MortifiedAdams · 02/06/2013 10:27

Option one: stop washing his clothes, putting them away, ironing them, cooking for him, doing his errands.

Option two: write a list of jobs you think jeed doing that week and stick it to the fridge. Tell him.these tasks need doing and when they are done, sogn them off. Tell him you want to see his name against a quarter of everything on the list. It sounds like he needs micromanaging.

RobinBedRest · 02/06/2013 10:28

Do you have DC, are they home with you on the two days?

Two days is long enough to do the weekly chores, cleaning, laundry, food shop etc

If he is treating your home like a hotel, not clearing up after himself or doing his share of cooking that is different.

He sounds like a man who doesn't get it tbh, rather than a lost cause iyswim. You are as bad as his parents if you don't make him get it. My DH had the lazy upbringing, his DS is the same, he is alot bettet now but it has been hard work on both our parts!

Rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2013 10:29

As yet we don't know if there are any children.

MrsDeVere · 02/06/2013 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurnipCake · 02/06/2013 10:30

Individual instructions. Is he having a fucking laugh, OP? Does he not think you have anything better to do with your time than scanning the house every single bloody day to see what needs doing, then asking him in the hope that he'll do it? To paraphrase Caitlin Moran: women did not invent dust!

It's a sign of deeper rot, ultimately, he sees housework as women's work and he's done a fine job of either throwing everything back to you or distracting you with some lip service. I had an ex like that and it's exhausting, heart sinking and soul destroying.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 02/06/2013 10:31

Just because he earns more, doesn't mean he gets to "veto" anything.

DeckSwabber · 02/06/2013 10:34

It was a defining moment for me when my then partner thought he was doing me a massive favour taking three under 5's out for a couple of hours so that I could have some 'peace'. Since when was washing floors, hoovering, cleaning the cooker and changing bedsheets 'peace'?

The problem is that it works like dry rot. It just gets worse and then when the relationship is under pressure everything just gives.

Put it to him that if you were working 5 days and he was working 3 days, and salaries were also reversed, would that mean that he would do ALL the housework? He's a logical bloke.He can explain his answer.

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