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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apologies from the OW

218 replies

Mosman · 21/05/2013 15:22

I know this isn't typically recommended but I thought I'd share something I actually found quite therapeutic.

After I'd calmed down and composed myself somewhat. Having public ally named, shamed and called them all the names under the sun, I emailed the two other women I had contact details for.

I told them the impact they'd had on both me and the children and they both unreservedly apologised.

Given my behaviour they certainly didnt have to, I honestly feel this did me more good than "dignified" silence whichay have given the impression I didn't care or let them continue with their lives thinking they'd got away with it and maybe doing it again to some other poor married woman.

Anyway just my thoughts on the subject.

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Cravey · 21/05/2013 15:25

I couldn't do that, simply because I wouldn't be calm enough. I also think it depends on the circumstances. Don't know the back story to this but did these woman know the man was married ? I also don't think it will stop them in the future people do as they choose I would imagine. Glad to hear you found it cathartic though.

Original poster
Mosman · 21/05/2013 15:38

They both knew he was married with children.
It took three months before I was calm enough believe me and they'd both already had both barrels, several times.
I don't care if they apologised to get me to fuck off either tbh.

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Cravey · 21/05/2013 15:46

If you found it helpful then that is fab. I couldn't do it my temper would still be raging now tbh. Sorry to hear you have to go through this. I don't understand the logic of women who go with married men I really don't.

Distrustinggirlnow · 21/05/2013 19:05

I did the same with one of his ow. I was only calm enough because it happened, twice, three years previously. She too apologised. I told her to sort her life out at home ( she was also married) rather than shag another woman's DH.

There was another one, you know the one, the one he met twice but didn't have sex with Blush and I'm very often tempted to email her but the stuff that I do know about her leads me to believe she's a proper bitch and I really don't want an argument. However, like u, I'd like her to know what she did, altho I doubt she would give a flying fuck and is probably still advertising on marital affairs for someone to be her playmate.....

Well done you Thanks

LalyRawr · 21/05/2013 19:14

To be fair, these women didn't break up your families, your partners did. They didn't betray you, your partners did. They have no loyalty or duty to your families, your partner did and he was the one who screwed up.

I agree with Cravey, I cannot see the attraction in a married man who is clearly lying to his wife, betraying his wedding vows and destroying his family, but harsh as it sounds, that's his call not hers.

I get you're angry, seriously. But maybe your anger would be better directed at the one who actually did wrong by you, your partner.

It was nice it went well for you and that you feel you benefited from it. But I don't think these women had anything to apologise for. Your partner lied, cheated, destroyed your home life. She had sex with a man she found attractive.

kittybiscuits · 21/05/2013 19:15

Thanks for that Mosman! I just penned an email almost two years down the line. Smile

Areyoumadorisitme · 21/05/2013 19:31

Lalyrawr - seriously the OW has nothing to apologise for?

Yes I'm with you that 90% of blame must go to the cheating partner but surely it's not ok to just disregard the fact that an attractive man has a wife and family?

An OW who knows the situation is definitely also to blame in the deceit. You can't just go and help yourself to someone else's man!

OrlaKiely · 21/05/2013 19:38

I know someone who wrote a letter to the wife of someone she had an affair with, apologising, and saying she didn't understand why he had done it as she thought the wife was really gorgeous.

The wife got her new bloke to ring her up and tell her never to send them anything again, to fuck off and leave them alone. Which was fair enough I suppose.

LalyRawr · 21/05/2013 19:40

Areyoumad honestly, it's very easy for me to say this as I've fortunately never been in this position and I don't know what I would think/feel if I was.

But I do stand by what I said. The husband has the responsibility to his family, not her. The husband chose to cheat, she didn't make him.

I know this is a very simplistic view and I genuinely don't wish to offend anyone (which I realise I probably already have), but she did not destroy anyone's marriage (other than her own if she is married), that lays purely at the door of the husband.

bbqsummer · 21/05/2013 19:41

You can't just go and help yourself to someone else's man! Shock

how on earth old are you? 12?

OrlaKiely · 21/05/2013 19:43

I am kind of with Laly on this tbh, not to suggest that the OW has no part in it but it's not entirely her fault...it's not like she could force the man to be with her.

bbqsummer · 21/05/2013 19:46

I mean, good god, when will you ever see that the husbands helped themselves to another woman. He had absolutely no bloody right or permission to go into her pants.

He betrayed his wife and children. He had no respect or regard for any of his immediate or extended family - he only had regard for his knob.

He is, ergo, one big walking knob.

But yes - if it helps you to shit all over the woman whom (presumably Wink your wonderful man clearly had enough reverence and affection for her to risk, and shit all over, his current family - then good on you.

Your man sounds like a prize old trout catch.

MorrisZapp · 21/05/2013 19:49

Of course its the cheating partners fault. The OW doesn't owe you anything. It's a sad day if the only way we can ensure marital fidelity is to agree not to shag each others husbands.

I totally understand that in practice, emotions will take over and logic go out the window, and I don't blame anybody for feeling rage at both parties. But really, the only one who owes you an apology is the cheating spouse.

akaWisey · 21/05/2013 20:39

Mosman I've never seen or spoken to the OW whom my ex left me for.

She knew he was married all along. She, I believe helped write the anonymous letter which I received telling me what a bastard he was for cheating on me. She then went out of her way, with ex, to introduce herself to my DS the week after he left me. He was, in addition to being completely shocked, very distressed and he's an adult.

I then heard, from dear ex that she believes me to be a 'weak woman'.

I'd love to pen something which would adequately describe how I feel about her. But there are no words?? so I.ve allowed myself the occasional fantasy about what I'd say which would convey what a nasty piece of work I think she is.

She knew exactly what she was doing.

akaWisey · 21/05/2013 20:41

Oh and I posted before I said well done you. Smile

Areyoumadorisitme · 21/05/2013 20:50

bbqsummer - haven't been accused o being 12 for many years!!!!

I am 40!, as my message said I do agree it is 90% the cheating partner's fault, just that I also don't think it is acceptable to go for a married man.

springymater · 21/05/2013 21:34

They wouldn't do it if they didn't have someone to do it with.

Original poster
Mosman · 22/05/2013 00:31

If the OW didn't feel they had anything to apologise for then surely they wouldn't have.

Of course the blame lies with the cheater but it takes two to tango and if every OW in the world said no then maybe there would be less lies and decite and hurt from stupid dalliances and flings.

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Bogeyface · 22/05/2013 01:04

Well I'm sorry but the OW does have to carry some of the blame. "My" most recent OW knew that he was married and that we have children including a very young DD (She was his ex GF. Not the first ex he had "reconnected" with). She didn't care. She wanted to have a fling with him and didnt give a toss about the consequences. She initiated the boundary breaking by telling him that he was her one true love and that she never got over him and did he remember X night when they were shagging somewhere. He should have told her to sod off and he didnt, I am disgusted at him for that and it is the reason we are over. But the fact remains that she was going out of her way to try and rekindle their relationship despite knowing he was married.

I sent her a message tacked onto the long (and revoltingly explicit) FB conversation that the twat didnt delete. I asked her if she was proud of herself for cheating on her husband and being part of the break up of my family. She blocked me on her and her husbands FB, and never replied. She defriended my husband and then a few minutes later tried to re-friend him, I havent worked that one out yet! Unfortunately she doesnt know that I have a second log in for a campaign I used to run some years ago, which is how I was able to send the conversation to her husband. Oops........

Someone that selfish deserves to be told exactly what they are and what they have done. If he had lied about being single and she had not known about me and our children then fair enough, I wouldnt blame her at all. But she did and for that reason she must shoulder some of the blame.

My husband cheated on me, but she actively assisted in that betrayal and for that I loathe her.

KittyVonCatsworth · 22/05/2013 01:14

I'm with you on this one bogeyface. If the OW knew he was married she is certainly contributory to the breakdown of the marriage. I accept, that there may have been problems in that marriage, but my internal moral compass with regards to this would have pointed as far in the opposite direction as possible.

Bogeyface · 22/05/2013 01:20

I suppose I can't get my head around any woman wanting a man that she knows is a liar and a cheat! I didnt know otherwise I wouldnt have married him, but she bloody did!

If a man that I knew was married came on to me he would get very very short shrift, and there is nothing on Gods green earth that would induce me to have any kind of relationship with him. I certainly would not go out of my way to seduce (sorry for that word, cant think of another that fits!) a man I knew to be married.

Original poster
Mosman · 22/05/2013 03:46

The logic applied I guess is that the wife is so fucking awful and she will be treated so much better because she is nicer than the wife and that makes it all ok.
However given that mine apparently was never leaving, never alluded to any sort of relationship his dick must be so fucking huge she simply couldn't help but sit on it being in the same room as him.

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Original poster
Mosman · 22/05/2013 03:47

Can't say that I've ever had that problem though ;-)

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ageofgrandillusion · 22/05/2013 08:57

I can understand the anger with the OW - it is perfectly natural.
But let's be clear here, the OW owes you nothing. Plus, you don't - and never will - know what bullshit story the cheating DH spun them. The cheating partner/husband is the one the anger should be directed at. To focus on the OW is, at best, completely missing the point and, at worst, possibly quite deluded.

Original poster
Mosman · 22/05/2013 09:02

Actually in corresponding with the OW you get a clearer picture - well I certainly did of the whole story - if he lied, you have confirmation of that, if he didnt and you get a genuine apology again that gives you tools to process the whole bloody mess.
In my case I agree it lies 99.9% with him and he readily admits that but it's still a useful excercise to make other people realise the impact of their actions.

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