Apologies from the OW

[Mosman]

I know this isn't typically recommended but I thought I'd share something I actually found quite therapeutic.

After I'd calmed down and composed myself somewhat. Having public ally named, shamed and called them all the names under the sun, I emailed the two other women I had contact details for.

I told them the impact they'd had on both me and the children and they both unreservedly apologised.

Given my behaviour they certainly didnt have to, I honestly feel this did me more good than "dignified" silence whichay have given the impression I didn't care or let them continue with their lives thinking they'd got away with it and maybe doing it again to some other poor married woman.

Anyway just my thoughts on the subject.

[MrsSpagBol]

*weak

*is

Sorry for typos.

[PostBellumBugsy]

Charbon, what is an unreserved apology? Not trying to be obtuse - but what does that mean to you?

Spagbol, no worries and it is a real shame that some posters felt the need to be rude or insulting - never helpful.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Mosman, I'm totally supportive of why you chose to contact the OW and it's great you had a positive outcome from such a hurtful betrayal.

I too contact the o(women)! I'm glad I did, I remained dignified and felt such a strong urge to make them aware that I knew everything. That I wasn't just a 'profile picture', I was a person with feelings. They knew about me and now I knew about them.

I didn't get dignified responses but then they showed themselves to be pretty ugly on the inside. I'm glad though that I stood firm and didn't lower myself to the insults.

We're all different in the way we react to traumatic events and being betrayed is pretty high up there with one of the hardest things I've gone through. You just don't know how you'll react to these events until it happens to you.

The ow knew about me, they had seen pictures of us as a family, seen pictures of my ds. Dp is of course the guilty party I'm not denying that but the OW had a big part to play too, they weren't forced to make a bad decision why shouldn't the betrayed partner let them know exactly how much hurt has been caused!im glad I made them feel highly uncomfortable and hopefully it gave them the foresight never to go down that path again

[Charbon]

PostBellum - One that doesn't have a 'but' or conditions attached to it.

E.g. 'I want to apologise for the part I played in the affair and to say I am deeply sorry for the pain it caused you. I do not expect you to forgive me for my actions and this apology is therefore not asking for that. However I wanted you to know that I sincerely regret my actions.'

Not 'I am sorry for my actions, but.....he told me your marriage was over/I loved him/he said he loved me/I was in an unhappy marriage. Please accept this apology.'

That's not to say that if there is an accompanying dialogue or further correspondence, it wouldn't be helpful to truthfully answer any questions a spouse asks. But in this case, the agenda for that should be set by the spouse.

[ashamedgay]

I apologised to the GF of the guy I had an affair with, had a lot of abuse from her which I totally was in line for. I answered a few of her questions she wanted to know regarding me and him. She has turned into a bit of a stalker now however but suppose that's karma getting me back for the affair

[PostBellumBugsy]

Thanks Charbon. I still can't help thinking "so what"? So what that you are sorry - what good does your sorry do me or my children?

Don't know. Just seems like an opportunity for the person or people in the wrong to lessen their guilt by saying sorry, when it doesn't really achieve anything.

I'm probably missing something or I'm just a really hard nosed cow these days.

[Bogeyface]

Just seems like an opportunity for the person or people in the wrong to lessen their guilt by saying sorry

That is a good point. The affair partner can say to themselves "Well yes, I did have an affair with him but I apologised to his wife, so I am still a good person". A truly decent person wouldnt need to apologise as they wouldnt have gone there in the first place.

[Charbon]

In my experience, how an apology is received is often dependent on the timing of it and the 'life outcome' for the recipient. If the faithful partner is now in a better place (either within her marriage or in life generally) there is more receptiveness. It also depends on whether a person believes the apology is sincerely made or is just a guilt-salving exercise. This is why the apology-giver needs to be so careful about the words used and their motivation for saying them.

I don't think that bad behaviour necessarily defines a person though. Just as I've known men and women who weren't 'bad people' to have affairs, the same has applied to OW and OM I've met. What defines people after an experience like this is what they've learnt about it and the efforts they make to change their attitudes and behaviour. I think someone who's got the guts to make an apology like this is unlikely to be a bad person who's going to make the same mistake twice. That's very different to the sort of person who doesn't think any of it was her responsibility in the first place and has therefore got nothing to apologise for.

[Mosman]

"so what"? So what that you are sorry - what good does your sorry do me or my children?

You're right but I kind of felt it was better than thinking of them sat there enjoying cosy memories of their time together.

[Charbon]

Mosman I think that's right. One of the usual coping mechanisms for OW and OM is to dehumanise their lovers' partners. Some choose to vilify and reduce them and for others, it is safer not to think about them at all. When OW and OM don't get to see any of the pain and destruction that has been caused to a real, sentient human being who has been hurt, the affair itself still has an unreal quality to it. Having to see that visceral pain in another person can be a real wake-up call and invokes a realisation that this faceless person who was hitherto filed away in the 'too difficult' tray is real and that there have been genuine consequences. I understand entirely why it was important to you that they were aware of that and why that has been helpful to you.

[MrsSpagBol]

Agree with this totally Charbon
" I think someone who's got the guts to make an apology like this is unlikely to be a bad person who's going to make the same mistake twice. That's very different to the sort of person who doesn't think any of it was her responsibility in the first place and has therefore got nothing to apologise for."

[Looksgoodingravy]

Charbon, you put into words so perfectly the way I felt and the reasons why I contacted the OW.

Mosman, I'm too hoping that this has soiled the OW 'cosy' image of their time spent with dp.

[SuckingLemons]

Definately named changed for this one for obvious reasons.

In my opinion the OW should never be contacted, simply because she doesn't care about the DW. She doesn't want to know how bad you feel, how lost you are, she only thinks about herself.

I was the OW and had phone calls from the DW a few times demanding answers from me that I couldn't possibly give her. It must have made it 10 times worse for her having to speak to me, and I will never understand why she done it and what she gained from it, if anything at all. All I could say to her was, ask your DH why he done it, after I asked that she never contacted me again.

[Mosman]

Correction - you didn't care about the wife, you aren't speaking for every hoe OW, the fact that you didn't apologise when presented with the opportunity speaks volumes about you.

[Offred]

The thing is people have different values. Not everybody thinks cheating is that bad (before you leap on me check my previous posting history where I have been vocal about cheating being cowardly and wrong). Where I'm going with this is basically it isn't required that people outside your marriage or relationship feel the same way about the sanctity of your monogamy agreement. You can't blame ow/om for that reason. Perhaps they aren't sorry, perhaps they don't feel the same about your marriage or about monogamy and actually, I'm guessing unlike some of you, I think that is a valid way to feel. I like diversity. Blaming ow/om just seems a little like "so and so told me tooooo!" And lets the one who is really to blame off the hook, I think it often has it's roots in wishful thinking born when your world is crashing down as a result of the one person you thought you could trust and rely on turning out to be a shit and so it is understandable but I still think misguided. The relationship is conducted by agreement between partners not between all society, how can people outside the marriage even know what you've agreed to?

[ZZZenagain]

if it helped you, then it was fine. I have my doubts about the sincerity of any apology worth having tbh. If the OW really thought it was wrong, she wouldn't have done it in the first place IMO, everyone knows what hurt you can cause by being the OW. No one goes in blind unless they genuinely did not know the man was in another relationship

[Bogeyface]

Offred I dont think that anyone is letting the cheating partner off the hook by saying that the affair partner had a part to play in the hurt caused to the faitherful partner. And as ZZZ said, unless the OW/OW truly didnt know that their new BF/GF was married, they cant say that they didnt know what they were getting into.

You say that no one outside of your marriage knows what you have agreed to, but thats not true. The vows contain the promise to be faithful to each other so if you know someone to be married then you know that they promised to not have affairs.

[Bogeyface]

faitherful? Dont know where that came from :o

[SuckingLemons]

Hoe?

For that I feel you should apologise.

What apology I should have gave would not have made things any better. What should I have apologised for exactly?

[badinage]

Crimes against the English language would be a start

[CremeEggThief]

Em, for sleeping with a married man and being a contributor to breaking up a marriage and turning a woman's life and possible DC's lives upside down? Surely that is something to apologise for?!

[downunderdolly]

In my instance the OW contacted ME two years later. It was the most extraordinarily unselfaware sanctimonious correspondence that I have every read. Apropros of nowhere (although I now know precipitated to her moving to my City to live with ex H). Essentially she was said that she did not have an affair with ex H, in fact and I am quoting "I can't tell you the number of times I tried to save your marriage" and she went to to tell me with no apparent sense of irony that "he was looking to me for the emotional support he should have been getting from you". She went on to list my faults and catalogue her virtues "Anyone that knows me would tell you that my core value is honesty". And told me how I must have known my marriage was in trouble due to lies told her by my ex. She ended her unsolicited and unwelcome email with the happy sentiment "Think about it".

It actually became welcome as whilst I had been very keen not to put the blame on her outside of not subscribing to her morals it have me something incredibly tangible to dislike

[downunderdolly]

I am a writer and when I put my mind to it can 'innocently' eviscerate. My 'guiless' response a week later elicited a 'gosh I didn't mean it I'm so sorry response' to her original email. I simply responded that I didn't much care for people who simultaneously polished their halos whilst putting in the boot and perhaps she might take some of her self stated core virtues of honesty to own the fact that sometimes people make mistakes, fall in love with people they didn't intend to and write unwelcome and sanctimoneous emails to their partners annoying ex wives. I haven't heard from her since

[badinage]

On these threads, you always get people saying that if a woman blames the OW, it means she's letting her husband 'off the hook' or some such nonsense. As if it's not possible to apportion blame in more than one direction . I just can't follow this peculiar train of thought at all.

I've got mates who've been OWs and no way do they think they were blameless.

[Mosman]

I have no idea how to spell the abbreviation of whore, if it's not hoe then I apologise to gardening tools everywhere