Apologies from the OW

[Mosman]

I know this isn't typically recommended but I thought I'd share something I actually found quite therapeutic.

After I'd calmed down and composed myself somewhat. Having public ally named, shamed and called them all the names under the sun, I emailed the two other women I had contact details for.

I told them the impact they'd had on both me and the children and they both unreservedly apologised.

Given my behaviour they certainly didnt have to, I honestly feel this did me more good than "dignified" silence whichay have given the impression I didn't care or let them continue with their lives thinking they'd got away with it and maybe doing it again to some other poor married woman.

Anyway just my thoughts on the subject.

[SomeDizzyWhore1804]

I think it's such a hard one to call. If my DH cheated on me I would entirely blame him, but I wouldn't think the OW was a saint. Equally I have been the OW (long, long time ago when I was very young with a much older man who was also my teacher) and know what a totally awful situation that can be too. I just think in situations of infidelity no one involved in the cheating comes off brilliantly- I hold my hands up, I knew he was married, after all, even if I was only 16. That said his wife always held me 100% responsible and I don't think that's fair. For the wives who have been cheated on, blame has to go to the husbands but I can't blame them for being annoyed at the OW. I would be too, now that I am a wife.

[OwlLady]

my mum found out where the ow worked, turned up and named and shamed her in an open plan office and slapped her round the face [chosked]
she had got past security by pretending she was delivering a parcel.

I must admit I laughed this was about 20 odd years ago now mind!

[ticktocktammy]

may I ask why you did not leave him? it sounds like the marriage was very unhappy for a long time for you and that it would have been better finished much sooner?

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Somedizzy - you were 16 and he was a teacher. He was wrong on so many levels. I wouldn't call you the OW in that situation, you were a victim.

And his wife was deluded. We had case locally with similar scenario, that teacher is currently in prison.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

somedizzy - even if you offered it to that teacher on a plate as the "responsible adult" it was up to him to distance himself from the situation. I think it goes with the territory, teaching that age group, that you will get inappropriate advances from pupils - if a teacher cant trust themselves to say no then they should be teaching a different age group.

[Upnotdown]

I'll give an example of an evil twat of an OW. I know it was my DPs decision to do what he did but her actions after it was all in the open were unforgivable.

She apologised to me, I thought she was lovely - said she didn't know we were still together. Lied about how long they'd been at it etc..

When she was aware that we were trying again - decided to email my DP, copied me in (how kind) relaying things he'd said to her and asking him if he meant it and finished off with 'come on, you love me, I love you lets give it a go....' signed off, 'forever yours, Weaselteats' (spot the NC). When that didn't work, she sat outside my house, made crank calls and then started posting pics of herself and my DP on the internet. That's the seriously abridged version.

At that point, I let her boss know what she was doing (as she works in the community and was acting like a complete psycho). The twunt then tried to take me to court for defamation knowing the whole time that she couldn't but still wasted six months of my life with threats from her solicitor.

Before anyone defends this piece of shit, she was married when she met my DP, then split then in between me finding out and my DP coming home (he stayed with a friend (definitely) for 6 weeks) she went on holiday with her son and a man she was seeing whom she met whilst seeing DP behind my back. Came back and sent that email...She's now moved in with the unsuspecting guy she went on hols with!

These OW are not all sweetness and innocence. Some really are predatory and enjoy the act of chasing someone else's partner. It makes them feel powerful. I know that sounds pathetic but I've experienced this first hand. And I'm fully aware that my DP is the one to blame but she really was relentless.

[LilyAmaryllis]

I think you've done a great thing Mosman. Why shouldn't we be clear about the effects an affair has? We need to broadcast this stuff more.

What siezethenight says also chimes with me. When I was very young and naive I "fancied" a guy who was married with kids. Nothing ever happened, and I knew it would have been wrong (which didn't stop the fancying feelings). But I didn't REALLY know deep-down HOW wrong it would have been, without the experience I now have of being married with kids. I can remember being that naive and not-knowing, so I think what Mosman did to share the reality of how it has affected her and the kids, is great.

[fuzzywuzzy]

ticktock, it is so easy to say why did you not leave.

When you've got kids are being emotionally/financially/physically abused its kind of difficult to up sticks and leave.

ex had affairs and I left him, perosnally I'm nto the least bit angry at the OW, she is now living with a very abusive man, she's going to need all the good Karma the universe has to offer as I truly believe she has placed her life in danger by moving in with him.

I didnt leave for a myriad of reasons, if LTB were that easy, there would be very few of the heart rending threadso n relationships that there are presently.

Must be lovely to be you and never had to face a life with a monster or utter destitution with young children in tow and a man with legal rights to said children on your tail.

[CremeEggThief]

Fair enough, tick tock.

I felt financially trapped as a SAHM, in an area we had moved to his for job originally, but then he took voluntary redundancy and decided to work away. I came home to find him finalising details of his new job, without having discussed anything with me first, and he started it days later. So I was left in an area with no after-school club, family or close friends to help with childcare.

The other reason is I was brought up Catholic, but I was very aware my own parents were unhappy in their marriage. They parted when we were all grown-up. So, wrongly, I believed the best thing for children is for their parents to stay together, even if they are not happy, unless there was physical abuse. I wasn't really aware of emotional or financial abuse until comparatively recently, and we didn't argue or shout at each other, so DS still doesn't seem aware it wasn't a happy marriage.

[ticktocktammy]

CET that seems like a very honest response. thank you (Making chicken soup in my kitchen btw and I send you a bowl! don't think there is MN icon for chicken soup but there should be...)

[SomeDizzyWhore1804]

MrsC and BlueSky yeah I guess although I do still feel quite guilty that he had a wife (no kids though) and that I shouldn't have done it. That all said though she was also a teacher so you think she would have gotten how not my fault it was!! He isn't in prison I am afraid but that is a whole other thread!!

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

I can remember working with a young girl who was very open about having been the OW. It sticks in my mind as I remember her saying "It makes me feel really important when he choses to spend time with me instead of her" like it was a direct competition. Even though I was young I can remember thinking how f*cked up she must be and thinking less of her for it.

So many OW convince themselve they are something special - I always think of the quote "When one marries one's mistress, one creates a vacancy".

[bleedingheart]

Clearly the husbands/partners are the most to blame but there are women as BlueSkySunnyDay refers to, who see it as a competition and want to 'win' the man off the wife.
The OW might not be betraying a relationship with the wife (although they aren't always strangers!) but they are betraying a basic moral guideline surely? Just because someone is looking to have an affair doesn't mean you have to facilitate it.
It's a myth that only the unhappily married cheat. A sense of entitlement, wrong place, wrong time, thrill of the chase etc... All reasons why people can cheat, none of which relate to the marriage.
What I don't understand are the women who are the bit on the side for years, waiting for him to leave. How could you ever trust him after that?

[TurnipCake]

I don't want or need an apology from the OW. If someone manages to twist logic into thinking it's ok to get involved with someone else's partner, they don't deserve the time of day, let alone my time, I'm not interested in hearing any of their thoughts.

The OW wasn't responsible for me or my relationship, but had part to play in its downfall and she was responsible for her own conduct, which was shoddy at best, duplicitous at worst - rather like my ex, funny that.

Fortunately that's two unpleasant characters out of the dating pool, hurray for everyone else

[TurnipCake]

Thought I should add: a decade ago, I was the OW. I had the same thoughts - I'm not responsible for their relationship, he is, blah blah blah. It's all bullshit. You're involved, in a roundabout - and fairly toxic - way, anything else is cognitive dissonance, and certainly not a healthy way I'd want to lead my life.

[SomeDizzyWhore1804]

Very much agree with this Turnip whether or not you are responsible etc it is seriously toxic and not a good thing to be in proximity of. It didn't do my mental health much good.

[curryeater]

When I was young I temped a lot and was often propositioned by married men, probably because I kept appearing on the scene as an attractively unfamiliar young person, probably I seemed more insecure and easily impressed than I was, being young and penniless and having no permanent position within the company, or anywhere really, or family nearby. They tended to have houses and wives and children out in the home counties and knew they could get away with doing anything in central london. I was always a bit incredulous and a bit contemptuous and always said no, and they always disappeared with no fuss and asked someone else. I often think of that now when I hear guff about "soul mates" - for every woman who is having an affair with a married man, there are probably 20 who had more self respect and said no. He just kept asking till he found one who would.

[Bogeyface]

for every woman who is having an affair with a married man, there are probably 20 who had more self respect and said no. He just kept asking till he found one who would.

How true. She isnt special, she is just the only one who would say yes. She says "We are soul mates, he says he wishes he met me first, he promises he will leave her soon" He says "She was the only one who would settle for a quick shag on the way home from work. She'll do for a bit on the side"

[PostBellumBugsy]

That is just too much of generalisation Bogeyface.

There may be serial adulterers who think that way, but my ex-H and alot of people I know or work with are now with the person they had the affair with - most of them have remarried. Hardly the stuff of quick shags on the way home.

[Bogeyface]

Yes but how many of them left of their own violition to be with their affair partner? And how many were chucked out on discovery and ended up with the affair partner because they have no other choice?

[PostBellumBugsy]

Don't know Bogeyface, but I don't think most affairs happen simply because a husband or wife scratched an itch. That is one night stand territory. A full blown affair is usually something more than that.

2 of the guys I work with left their wives after the affair had started, stopped drew breath & then decided to make a go of it with the OW. They are not proud of their actions but neither of them were looking for extra marital sex or a bit on the side either.

Believe me, having been on the wrong side of an affair myself, I'm not looking to justify or condone any kind of affair - but I just think it is way too simplistic to think it is just married men looking to work their way through lists of women until they find the cheap slut who puts out.

[Bogeyface]

It may be simplistic, but it happens. Sad but true.

There is a reason why my husband picked the 2 exes he did, and thats because (in his own words) "They would play the game".

[chipmonkey]

Saying that affairs don't happen in happy marriages is implicitly blaming the wife and suggesting that if she were nicer/thinner/more loving that her husband wouldn't have "needed" to cheat. This is wrong on so many levels. And if you are in an unhappy marriage, you have two decent choices. Either stay and work on the marriage, or go.

[chipmonkey]

PostBellum, your exH may be with the OW now but will he stay faithful to her? I wouldn't want to be with a bloke who had a history of cheating. Ten to one, he'll do it again.

[herethereandeverywhere]

I'm thankfully not speaking about my own experience but that of a friend.

The OW and the H went to the marital home whilst she was away with her 3 kids (primary age plus baby) visiting family. This OW will have walked past childrens coats, shoes and toys and sat amongst family photos. Then she will have made her way to the bed in which my friend and her H will have slept hundreds of times before to fk my friends H.

How can someone do that? The H's wretched actions are indefensible. But so are the OW's. What sort of vile human being thinks that's okay?