Apologies from the OW

[Mosman]

I know this isn't typically recommended but I thought I'd share something I actually found quite therapeutic.

After I'd calmed down and composed myself somewhat. Having public ally named, shamed and called them all the names under the sun, I emailed the two other women I had contact details for.

I told them the impact they'd had on both me and the children and they both unreservedly apologised.

Given my behaviour they certainly didnt have to, I honestly feel this did me more good than "dignified" silence whichay have given the impression I didn't care or let them continue with their lives thinking they'd got away with it and maybe doing it again to some other poor married woman.

Anyway just my thoughts on the subject.

No idea Chipmonkey. They've been properly together for 8 years now. My boss is with his 2nd wife for 7 years, my ex work colleague is with her 2nd husband for 19 years, my friend is with her 2nd husband for 9 years. I could go on. All of them together following an affair. No idea whether they'll stay faithful or not, but I don't think any of them left their marriages simply becuase they found someone who put out or play the game.

PostBB is right. lots of people who made happy marriages with "affair" partners. the "she can have him / he will always be a cheat / its a cheap shag" but they are just simplistic nonsense to make the person saying it feel vindicated/righteous/etc. but the reality is a bit more complex

But how long was the cheating spouse with his/her husband/wife till they got caught cheating?

Dunno, the cheating partner has already proven he/she will cheat given the opportunity. I'd be surprised if all these resulting relationships were all faithful.

I just think that the OW/OM in these situations is pretty irrelevant really.

Have you ever been cheated on Whitebird?

Having an affair is not a criminal offence, it's just human behavior. Far too many people think that another person is their property. It's not the law that you have to stay with one person for the rest of your life.

I think that for some women it's far easier to blame the OW than to accept that a man prefers someone else to you. People marry for all sorts of reasons - true love for both parties is rare - no matter what they say.

Some women delude themselves that they are in a happy marriage.

It's fair enough that people fall out of love/weren't ever in love with their spouse etc, but the non cheating spouse should have a say in who he/she is having sex with.

The most humiliating experience of my life was sitting in the STD clinic when I'd only ever slept with one man in my life.

I personally do not mind at all if someone leaves me, I'm nobody's jailer, but to be sharing somebody elses STD's with me without my consent pisses me off immensely.
By all means screw who you want, but tell your partner you're doing it, so they can make an informed decision as to the course of their own lives.

Penelope I think those of us with a realistic grasp of life accept that it may not, in fact is statistically unlikely, to last forever. But if you have loved someone, should you feel the relationship has run its course you the decent thing to do is treat your OH with respect - communicate that its over and end the relationship before starting another.

"It's not the law that you have to stay with one person for the rest of your life"

Part of the wedding vows is the phrase "forsaking all others" - you have made an agreement to be faithful, if you dont plan to do that then dont get married

There is no such thing as a normal relationship but its not rocket science to behave with decency.

You have come to strange conclusions about relationships.

No.

Penelope It's not the law that you have to stay with one person for the rest of your life.

No it's not but if you have made vows to be faithful to someone and then decide that you'd rather not stick to that model, the decent thing is to inform them, end the marriage and do as you please or at least allow them the courtesy of deciding to stay with you or leave you under the new agreement.

Your posts rile me. You come across so hard hearted - are you an OW?
I don't see how you can justify cheating.

Of course people are not owned, that is why they are FREE to leave or end the relationship if they are no longer happy or no longer want to be in an exclusive relationship.

Penelope There was a thread on MN recently where those who had been cheated on all agreed that it wasnt the sex that hurt as much as the lies. The person they had trusted to keep their word ie be faithful, lied to them. They didnt give us the honesty they promised. If my husband wanted to be with someone else, he should have done the right thing and told me that. Then I would have had all the facts and could have decided if I could stay in an open marriage or not. I didnt get those facts.

And also, he didnt want to leave, he wanted to stay with me and have some fun on the side, that is totally different me thinking I own him or it being law to stay with one person forever.

Whitebird I didnt think you had. I hope you never find out what its like, but I can tell you that the person who assisted your partner in tearing your world apart is not irrelevant. Whether you agree that they have a responsibility to you on a purely human level or not, it doesnt stop the fact that it hurts, like nothing on earth.

Actually the more I think about it its not the law LOL - thats the sort of thing my 10 year old says - are you young?

I agree that the OW DOES owe the wife something. What is the point of marriage if we can just walk off with whatever we might seeminly prefer. I expect most of us would prefer Brad Pitt but that's not the point. The point is ; if you shag someone you know to be married then you are a knob. I'm not saying the man isn't as he clearly is but both are as bad imo.

Also if you want to be free to shag whatever you might prefer then get a divorce. I hate this 'have your cake' mentality.

I cant help wondering whether the OW defenders are or have been OW themselves, because this isnt about cheating so much as basic common decency. Do as you would be done by. Anyone who can defend a person who knowingly, willingly, and, in some cases deliberately, enter a relationship with another persons spouse clearly missed some lessons in how to be a decent person.

Sorry, this thread is like a hangnail for me! It hurts but I cant help pulling at it!

Do as you would be done by. THAT is the biggest thing for me with my husbands OW. She knows exactly what it is like to be the wife of a cheating husband, I know she does because I read the messages she sent to my husband about it. She threw her husband out at first and when she took him back went through a lot trying to sort it all out.

Knowing what she felt when she found out about her husbands affair, knowing what it did to her primary age child, knowing the destruction that comes with affairs...she did it anyway. I feel betrayed by her, I really do. I should be able to lean on women like her when I am feeling low about what happened, women who know my pain and can understand. Who can tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel whether you stay or split. The reason my friend is opening up to me above her family and other friends is because I have been through it too.

My husband cheated on me, he would have done that anyway I accept that. He is the worlds biggest bastard as far as I am concerned. But for another woman, part of the sisterhood, who knew the pain I would go through, to willingly and deliberately do what she did makes me feel so angry. How dare she? How dare she use my pain to empower herself and get one over on her husband? How dare she tear my family apart because she too weak to leave him without another man to go to?

Everyone's moral compass points to a different point. What decent to one person isn't to another. People have different standards. People trust other people bizarrely - because the only person you can actually trust is yourself. Everyone looks after number one, whether they like to admit it or not.

Making a nice home, having a family etc. are all ways of making yourself happy, looking after yourself. You delude yourself that the person you are with wants these things too but you never actually know. It's not a critisism, it's a fact. That's what human beings do, it makes life easier.

If you are saying that to think the best of people and to trust that they will treat me in the same way I would treat them is naive then you are right, I think I probably am.

But having a different moral compass to me doesnt mean the OM/W can abdicate themselves of any responsibility for the chaos he/she was part of causing.

Yikes. That way of thinking reminds me of me about a decade ago.

Part of the sisterhood bogeyface do you really believe that? Women would shaft each other as soon as look at them! Sorry ladies but I would genuinely rather put my trust in a man than a woman. I would rather be in the company of men, I would rather work for a man.

Maybe I'm cynical but I only have to look at the workplace to now that women have no loyalty to each other.

Yes I do believe that. I believe that, when the shit hits the fan, most (not all, but most) women will be there for each other and support each other.

If you dont like the name "Sisterhood" what about empathy, sympathy, hope, concern, support? All those things that you get on, for example, an MN thread. There is a woman on MN who's husband left her when pregnant for his mistress who was also pregnant. She has now met many of the MNers who have supported her through her pregnancy and the first months of her childs life. She will meet many more soon. That is what I mean, that is the sisterhood to me.

People will shaft each other, of course they will. Men are just as cut throat, they are just more honest about it. Us girls are far more spiteful and coniving!

But if you would rather put your trust in a man than your own sex then that is sad. And I have to say that your comment "I would rather be in the company of men, I would rather work for a man." speaks volumes.

You dont see other women as allies do you? You see them as the competition.

You dont see other women as allies do you? You see them as the competition.

I hadn't thought about it like that and you could well be right. But doesn't that show you (us) that not all women think the same, so OW maybe do not see they have any responsibility at all. They are doing what they want and presume that's what other people also do. They are only responsible for their own actions.

I wouldn't expect OW to feel any loyalty or sisterhood towards me as a woman. She clearly had a very selfish agenda that excluded absolutely everyone, including her own DC, and I certainly didn't feature on her radar at all. Hell, I didn't feature on my own H's radar!

But the children? I'd have thought they would have caused some kind of crisis of conscience. But no.

Optional I think that you would think of the DC's, as would I but as you point out, she didn't or if she did she justified to herself (somehow).

People are extremely good at justifying their own actions to themselves and some are just as good at justifying them to others, so good that we believe them.