Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

[mrscraig]

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

Yes. Will take the advice if seeing if there's something I can get to calm me down. There is a drop in family law advisory centre nearby that runs sessions on a tues evening, will pay them a visit too.
I think I need all the facts so I can assess my options.
Thanks so so much for all the care I've had on here. I don't feel so alone.

Mrscraig, have you told anyone in rl yet? You really can't beat rl support, my Dsis was wonderful when it happened to me, coming after work to help me with the DCs etc.

Although it might be awkward with the in-laws. I wonder what his mum has been led to believe.

I'm 3 years down the line since I found out, he finished it before I found out as he realised it had gotten out of hand but she very kindly decided I had to be enlightened , he has been amazing since then and the most devoted husband I could ask for and I know he loves me but I don't know something still hurts so much it creeps into every day , I thought I was over it and we have since got married and had another baby,
But really my heart is broken and cannot ever be repaired .

I'd make sure you at least get him to move out for a while, I wish I'd had some space at the time, I'm glad we are still together but I regret not having the space to think and beware of the hysterical bonding if you let him back into bed again.

Good Luck mrsC and NotreallyFunctioning.
Rulesgirl gives some good advice - if you are happy with yourself as you are, your life will become better. Basically if you think of yourself as a woman, as you, not as just a wife, not just a piece of the furniture, not jsut a clingy housewife, your whole outlook becomes more positive, and he might look back and find the grass greener where you are. (If that's what you want - personally, and this is just me, i would kick him so far and so fast there is no coming back. )

Yes my mum and sisters know and have been brilliant. They are there for me, we're a very close family.
They are also in shock, they've known my husband since he was a boy and cant believe what has happened. At least it wasn't just me who feels betrayed, it further validates my feelings and sense of shock in a way.

Thank you fifty, I have been surprised with the amount of people saying they have got through it. I thought I'd have a lot more 'kick the bastard out' type responses .
The thing that is gnawing away at me most is that it was in full swing.
Nowhere near petering out. It's only that I found out its finished. That realisation actually physically hurts.

Hi Mrs C
Not posted before, but I can identify completely with your pain. I discovered my husbands affair two months ago, that too was in 'full swing' I can honestly say I understand the term 'heartache' now, as it felt like a physical blow in the chest area. I was unable to breathe, nauseaus, angry, devastated, numb etc etc. a flood of oh so many emotions at once that it feels really overwhelming doesn't it
The best advice I got was from a wonderful friend who held me while I sobbed , didn't judge and advised me to take things a day at a time., Accept that I was going to hurt, and to be gentle and kind with myself.
It is not easy, but everything is about YOU now. What you need, what you want etc.. The first week was the worst for me. I was completely unable to function initially, but things are getting a bit clearer and easier every day.
I still don't know how things will work out. Sometimes I love him so much, yet other times I can hardly bear to look at him. Only you can know the right path for you, and either way it is a long one!
Sending you strength and good vibes, please don't feel alone because there are so many of us suffering at the hands of these weak and selfish men.

Loves fast cars- is your husband at home now? You describe the physical pain so accurately. I went for a walk after dropping girls off, only to the shop and felt so so weak. It felt like a huge step, I was actually shaking at one point, thought I was going to be sick.
I am so angry. Look at what he's reduced me to , I'm like a shadow of myself. He really couldn't have hurt be more if he'd tried.
My mum and sister will be here soon, I need someone to just hold me and let me wail.

MrsC - Mums and sisters will help - mine have a lot despite their own problems in life.

Have read lots of good advice on this thread and am going to work hard on some of it. I want my ex to look back one day and see what he has lost - two wonderful children being the biggest loss. Me? I intend to enjoy my new life - make up for the years I spent dancing to his tune and hey perhaps one day find someone new :)

Good for you!
Let's hold hands along the way.
I don't know what the future holds in store but I am not going to let him destroy me or influence my decision. I have to be strong and make sure I do what is best for my family.

Yes, he is at home. A week after discovery, when I was a bit more physically and mentally ok (just a bit!) I asked him to leave to respect my need for bit of time and space. He did so, and I can honestly say that it was the best thing I could possibly have done.
He was gone for a week, not long I know, but it was essential for me to 'grieve' as it were. It felt just like a horrible bereavement. The week for him was complete hell apparently. He was faced with the reality of the possible consequences of what he had done, and has been very remorseful and trying so hard to show me etc ever since. Be very wary of making snap decisions either way. It is very easy to get swept up in the turmoil of emotion that has been created. I have tried to be as honest and dignified as possible, having told him that I have no idea wt the moment if I will be able to commit to the marriage. I have given myself three months before I reassess how I feel. It really is about looking after yourself and your kids at the moment.
You CAN get through this, baby steps. Never feel unworthy or that this was in any way your fault. My husband was flattered by the attentions of a young,pretty co worker who 'had problems at home' it was a damsel in distress type scenario with him playing 'hero' Pathetic really! I still feel all the emotions, but they are slowly becoming less intense and allconsuming.
Feel for you, it really is hideous, but we can and will survive!

Have read all the posts and honey I really feel for you. So glad you have some good rl support, that's so important. Keep posting on here, we'll all help you get through this, wherever you decide to do. Just take it one day at a time and keep breathing! Big hugs to you...

When did you first meet her (affairs start from that point)
How did it move from friendship to affair territory and when did that happen?
How did you give yourself permission to do this?
What do you remember thinking were your justifications for it at that time?(the longer an affair goes on and the worse the relationship therefore becomes at home, the more unreliable the justifications become)
What took place?
What contraception if any was used?
Who knew?
What impression did you give of me and our relationship? (yields more than focusing on words used)
Why do you think you did this?
What expectations did she have about the future? What expectations did you have?
What side of yourself did you enjoy showing to her? (i.e. romantic, sexual, protective, paternal)

I have the answers to all of these and am none the bloody wiser in all honesty.

Probably because it's all so friggin ridiculous. I have texted and emailed the OW from his phone/account pretending to be him, everything he tells me she collaborates and they are not in touch - i have his phone and email account.

I wonder whether it's even worthwhile picking over the bones of it all tbh

I think you're right time apart can help you think .
I've booked a last minute holiday, we are off to sunny Spain on Saturday. Just me and my lovely girls. We can relax and I can use the time to get my head together and work out what I'm going to do.
Thanks for all your kind wishes and advice. I am eternally grateful.

What a great idea MrsC, I think you're being very dignified and brave. All the best.

As someone with alot of perspective on the discovery (10 years), I would strongly advise you not to ask questions where the answers or details of the answers will be a source of mental torture for years to come. I really wouldn't ask what impression he gave of the marriage to the OW. You can take it as read, that he won't have been bigging it up. Do you really want to have to hear what he discussed with the OW?

Work out what matters now.
Is it a deal breaker if he had sex with the OW, or is an EA enough?
Could you trust him again?
Will he go to counselling?
Will he work with you to get the trust back?
Do you still love him?
Do you love him enough to work through this massive breach of trust?
Would you ever be able to have sex with him again?

Be practical, think about money. Make sure you know how much he earns. If it doesn't work out, it is important to know these things.

Find a counsellor - even if he won't go, you probably should.

Wow MrsC what a fab idea! (Oh I could come too...?)

Have a lovely time, recharge and think.

O that's exciting isn't it. Going on a little holiday. It will help to make you see things clearly with a little detour from real life. I did this. I went by myself. Booked myself into a little country hotel. Told husband as he was on his way home from work, that I was on my way for a little break. The kids were at his parents and he could pick them up. I enjoyed myself and had a laugh with some of the locals in the village where I stayed. Had a few men chatting to me which made me feel that I still had it!!! lol. Came back and felt brilliant. Stronger. Whilst I was there he did keep texting me though asking if we could try again etc.
I think if I remember correctly I came back and a couple of days later I threw him out. Went round the house shouting like a mad woman. (he wasn't there) throwing his stuff in bin bags and chucking them outside. Told him to come get his stuff. he he. sometimes you wont recognise yourself and wonder who this new woman is. But its you !!!!!

MrsC,
Inspired , just what the doctor could order for you right now.
Enjoy your sunshine break with your girls - school hols too, so no need worry about that either .

Glad you are thinking if yourself and helping yourself to ease the pain of betrayal. Any decisions can be put well on hold while you catch a tan and pamper your soul.

Enjoy.

Well done you for booking tha holiday, it's making it all about you as it should do, what you need and want (and your DCs). Use it to think about what you want from your life, make some goals, get far from the madding crowd and well intentioned advice as well.

I hope it serves in a little way to help you heal, lick your wounds and to refresh and regroup

I really wouldn't ask what impression he gave of the marriage to the OW. You can take it as read, that he won't have been bigging it up.

I don't agree with that at all. When this happened to my BF, even the OW told her that the husband hadn't ever dissed his wife or their marriage. In fact he'd told her he loved his wife and that their marriage was good. A friend who was an OW said that her bloke said much the same. Not all blokes have affairs because they think their marriages are shite anyway and so for those who are having affairs because of some other reason, it doesn't follow that they all pretend to the OW that their marriages are in fact crap, when they aren't. Neither does every OW need to believe that a bloke wouldn't have an affair unless he was happy, if my mate's anything to go by.

Great idea for a holiday OP .

You're doing all the right things for now. Hope you have a good break away in the sunshine with your children.

I'm actually really looking forward to it. I need to stop staring at these walls and treat myself.
Captain - there's a generous luggage allowance, if you want me to stash you in the hold xx

I guess there will always be different stories badinage. Having stood where MrsC is standing now, I wouldn't want to have heard the detail of what was said to the OW. Every conversation with him about what happened with the OW still feels like it is etched inside my skull - despite having a happy, fulfilled life 10 years on.

I'm sure MrsC will make up her own mind - I'm just suggesting caution on that one.

Yeah PBM I think there are a lot of different narratives and also outcomes about affairs. Some marriages come back from them, others don't. The ones I've known about that have survived are the ones where the marriage wasn't really the problem and I'm sure there's a link there. I do know it helped BF to know that her husband at least hadn't been lying about their marriage or his feelings for her, but to be fair she probably only believed that when she spoke to the OW. I guess the point is you have to be prepared to deal with the answers you get and if Mrs. Craig's marriage was in bad shape before he met the OW, she might not want to ask what he told the OW about it. If it was basically sound though, she might eh?

Good luck Mrs. Craig.