Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

[mrscraig]

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

[pog100]

You should start a new thread. Copy and paste this and start a thread in relationships, as people will ignore this 4 year old thread. Lots of people will advise you. I'm really sorry to hear what has happened!

[Wellwobbly]

mumdaughter your first problem is that he is an alcoholic. Cheating is part of that mindset.

IIWY I would throw him out and require that he start AA as part of his ACTIONS to show he will face his stuff.

[FarleyD]

mumdaughter - so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't offer you any different advice to what has already been said, other than that if you start your own thread you may get more responses. Your post on this thread may not get read as it's quite a long, and old, thread. Good luck to you.

[feckitt]

Hysterical bonding - I had no idea that existed but it definitely happened with us. So, everything follows a pattern in the end. I just remember thinking if this is how much sex it takes to keep him then I don't think I can keep up. Ultimately I couldn't but it's not the sex that should keep you together anyway. That's just the icing on the cake.

[mumdaughter29]

Im going through what youve been through. Are things any better or are you still apart?

[mumdaughter29]

please help me...11 days ago i found out that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman from the gym where he works. I noticed we had become distant for about 6-9 months and when i asked had i done something wrong he kept denying it. I thought maybe it was because i had put weight on with medication for a back problem but he kept saying no i was imagining it, A few weeks ago i asked again and he said the way i nagged him about his drinking had made him hate me that bit more. He said that i was a nasty,vindictive, mean person. I have been with him 22 years and he has drank heavily most of this time. We have 3 teenagers aged 18,15 and 15 who hated seeing their dad get so drunk and fall over and fall asleep downstairs while wetting himself. He has ruined so many beds and our sofa stinks so bad. When he was sober he was a lovely man who made me laugh and loved us all so much. Having found out proof that he was cheating i tackled him about it and he denied it.That night yet again drunk he managed to get himself to bed and left his phone downstairs where i picked it up and noticed his messages to HER . They had been discussing their little night away the night before at a hotel and discussing how great it was and couldnt wait for another. He had told me he was at a leaving do for workmates and stayed at their house. I stayed up all night taking photos of the messages and next morning he came down to the kitchen where i told him that i knew all about his dirty kittle secret. I kicked,punched and bit him i was so mad/ My daughters came down and he kept telling me not to say anything but i told him to man up and tell them what he had been doing. He eventually said we hadnt been getting along and he had been seeing someone. God it hurt so much. I threw him out but he came back 5 times that day to say please dont tell her husband as she didnt want to risk her marriage. He is staying at his parents and hasnt contacted us about anything . Our son turned 18 five days later. I ended up in hospital overnight due to severe dehydration but am now home. I cannot eat and have lost over a stone in weight through worry. I dont work and im worried how im going to cope and have no money for school uniforms or bills. How do i go on from here now? Also other womans husband has now found out as she thought she was getting away with it...my husband says her family and marriage is ruined but i doubt that as she went on holidays on friday. What about our bloody marriage? He said he doesnt fancy me or love me the way he should. Im so hurt please help me...

[lovesfastcars]

Hi again Mrs C
I think your holiday plan is a really good one. Time apart (for me at least) was essential. I actually felt (slightly) less pain away from him initially, and it enabled me to think more clearly, spend some amazing quality time with the children, and realise that I wasn't going to wither up and die without him. As you said, you have choices, and complete control over what happens next, when, and only when you feel ready.
You sound strong and brave. I too love my husband, although I hate what he has done. He behaved in a weak, cruel and selfish way, and it has nearly broken me. Almost, but not quite!
Keep strong, and you and your lovely girls WILL be fine, whatever you decide. Have a wonderful trip, and don't be afraid to make the bastard sweat while you are away. Stay together or not, it will do him no end of good to see that there are consequences to his actions.
Thinking of you, me and anyone else in this horrible situation x

[Rulesgirl]

ha ha......your sooooo naughty tatt!!!!

[tattyqins]

You need to eat as well. Mainly because I'm sick of being the fat sister. Love you xx

[Back2Two]

Hi mrsC . I've read this thread, I'm so sorry you've been betrayed.

But I'm so pleased you have booked a holiday and truely hope you have a lovely time with your girls. What a brilliant, strong and positive thing to do.

[NotSoNervous]

I just read your thread and my heart really goes out to you. Your feeling and emotions must be all over the place.

You've had some great advice on her and I hope you start feeling stronger and stronger. Enjoy you hols with your girls

[mrscraig]

Oh love that saying. I think it's absolutely spot on!
Have been awake since three, not working today so will try and go to bed this afternoon.
Positive thought of day- have lost half a stone through nervous exhaustion and no appetite. Wouldn't really recommend this diet though!

[countingto10]

Remember MrsCraig, his words are cheap, what you need to see now are his actions - if they match his words then, if YOU want it, your marriage stands a chance of being repaired.

Once again, enjoy your break with your DDs, what's the saying "a woman is like a tea bag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water"

[Rulesgirl]

Morning!!! Your up early. Bless. O goodness, yes do check her suitcase. You are being very brave. One thing you may find is that you now have strength and the ability to do things that you never would have done before. It's as if this experience causes so much pain that nothing else can bother you again in comparison. Not sure if that makes sense....you sort of feel fearless. !!

[mrscraig]

I'm off on Saturday so have lots to do to keep my mind occupied.
I think it will be good for my confidence as I'm organising things (eg travel insurance) which he always sorted out.
I don't think he has checked out of our marriage. He was devastated yesterday. I still love him but we need time apart. Time will tell and hopefully heal some of this crippling pain but a decision will be made when I'm ready and not a moment before.
Girls are very excited by the way. My youngest who is always the hardest to organise has already packed a bag. Goodness knows what's in there. Last time we went away she had packed the most random things, including sharp scissors which went down well with the customs officer. I will be a little more careful to check her bag this time .
Thanks for all your support and advice. I have drawn so much strength from you ladies. You've given me hope but also the realisation that I can get through this. I'll never forget it xx

[Rulesgirl]

When you going on your little hol then mrs.?

[Cerubina]

I also think you're doing incredibly for this early stage. My advice would be to echo what some others have said - keep him out of the house for a good long spell while you decide how you feel and he has a proper taste of life out in the cold.

I'm 9 months on from discovering an affair and I made what I now consider to be a big mistake by only kicking him out for one night, basically because I was too worried about coping with our children alone. Fast forward six months and he walked out and left us without a backward glance and I have coped because I have to. Now I wish I had made it painful for him to start with, because it might have changed the outcome - would certainly have given him a flavour of how messy and complicated arranging to seeing your children becomes when you are part of two households on different sides of London and are viewed with disgust by all your family and friends.

Of course, I might also have decided that I didn't want him back anyway if I'd kicked him out, but as it was I more or less made a fool of myself by trying to work on it when he had already checked out.

Enjoy your holiday and your girls.

[BriansBrain]

You should be proud of yourself and you do have the strength to get through this.

[mrscraig]

Thanks ladies xx (and you sister) x am going to bed in a mo. Her 'piss story' was indeed her proudest moment! Will have to name change, she's recognised me on here twice now.
my emotions are still in turmoil but I do (secretly) feel a tinsy bit proud of how I am handling this. Am finding inner strength I didn't know I had amongst the wreckage around me.
Have had two very long conversations with him today and he is just desperately hoping to put things right.
I think next week will be crucial, time will tell .

[ChippingInLovesSpring]

MrsCraig :( sorry you are going through this, it's beyond awful isn't it.

It is very rare to be able to be happy after an affair - the trust has gone, the relationship is damaged.

You can't 'go back' you have to 'start again' and build a new relationship. This is very hard and takes a lot of work from both people. Generally the person who has had the affair isn't able/willing to put the work in (though initially they say they are) and they just want to 'put it behind us' and get angry quicky when it's still causing 'problems' all of 5 minutes later.

It does terrible things to your self-esteem - it's hard to feel 'good enough' or 'sexy enough' or 'young enough' - whatever...

Sadly, the girls will suffer either way - so please don't base the decision to stay on the fact it's better for the girls, that's really not the case.

He's lying to you about stupid stuff - her name, how they met... I seriously doubt he's in the right place to make this work with you - it takes a much more honest, genuine approach.

Don't let your (lovely) family sway you into thinking you have to make this work or that he's a lovely guy who made a mistake... they mean well, but they don't have to live with him. We all want our family members to 'work things out' because it's the best thing for us - it's human nature.

Big hugs.

[BornToFolk]

I totally agree with PostBellumBugsy - only ask the questions that you actually want answers to. I regret asking exP if he loved the OW. There was no answer to that question that wasn't going to hurt me.

Also, be prepared that you most likely will never get answers to all your questions. Your husband has shown himself to be the worst kind of liar. He will carry on lying. Or just not want to tell you. I suppose some of it depends on wheter you both want to carry on - in that situation you both have to tell the truth.

Be careful of trying to hold on to him. I totally understand that need to make everything alright, to get your old life back but you can't. I had that decision taken out of my hands when exP decided it was over but actually now (1 year old) I feel relieved that he did. It was a clean break and enable me to concentrate on moving on and rebuilding a life for me and DS.

You're going through the worst bit now. The first few weeks are hell and you should do whatever you need to to get through them. But things do get better, I promise.

A year on from walking into my house one afternoon to find my DP in bed with another woman, and I'm actually doing fine. I'm still really angry with him but it doesn't occupy my every waking thought as it once did. I'm coping really well with being a single parent. It's hard, and lonely, sometimes but I have great support (sounds like you do to..Hi, tattyqins! Loving the piss revenge work!) and I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago.

You'll be fine. Focus on what's best for you and your children and you won't go far wrong.

[Rulesgirl]

Well he sounds like a good man underneath it all then badinage and he is very fortunate that your friend took him back but maybe she knew that he was worth it. Sometimes I think you just know when the man is worth trying again with, like you said, if they walk the walk and show that they are truly deeply sorry then why would you not want to give it another go.

[badinage]

You're right it was disrespectful Rulesgirl and I think it was way more difficult to sort out because this really was about his issues and not the usual old blah about being unhappy and suffering from that other old favourite of cheaters, low self esteem (rolls eyes). But to be fair to him, he walked the talk, booked himself into therapy, read all the books and sorted himself out. My lovely friend would never have taken him back if he hadn't and he bloody knew he'd got it made with her and had been a complete arse. They are a fair few years on from it now and he really is different. I mean, we've known him and loved him for years and like the OP's sister, were shocked to the core that he'd done that but DH, BF and I all recognised that he shared quite a lot of traits with our mate who I've mentioned was an OW (we all know eachother, same group of friends). Both him and OW mate were quite ego-driven and prone to quick fixes when something in life went wrong. Both 'takers' too if you know what I mean, whereas BF is one of life's 'givers'.

I think it was much harder for her to understand why it had happened, but at least he was honest with her and didn't invent excuses that didn't even exist. He point blank refused to blame anyone but himself and for that at least, I respect him.

[captainmummy]

tatty