Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

[mrscraig]

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

[Badvoc]

You are not the idiot here, op.
It's your h who has thrown away his marriage and children for a shag.

[Vivacia]

When it comes to eating and sleeping, think about what advice you'd give to a good friend. You'd probably tempt them with the tastiest food you could think of to get them to just eat a little.

[MadamFolly]

I'm sorry this has happened and he has betrayed you so badly.

Make sure he stays away for quite a while, you are too hurt to process this properly for at least a few weeks.

[mrscraig]

I think I need to talk to him again.
Will have to take time off work I suppose. Have very important week ahead but doesn't seem so significant anymore.

[Vivacia]

You could plan to take a couple of days off, but you might find by Tuesday that you really want to get back to work.

[Badvoc]

Yes to time off.
Get yourself to the gp for an sti check and sick note.
As for food...just eat what you can tolerate, not a time to worry about diets or healthy eating! If you can only eat scrambled eggs then have that.

[Primadonnagirl]

Absolutely awful for you. Sadly I've been there and the feelings you describe we're exactly how I felt. It's so painful and all I can say is take it one step at a time..you will cope althought you are reeling now .A few lessons from my experience ..
Ignore advice!!! Not really, but I mean only you know what's right for you and your family
All of your feelings are valid so don't feel you have to explain being angry, sad, resentful etc..
Don't rush anything..
You will be tempted to think what you could have done different etc..never blame yourself.
He will be lying to you bizarrely to spare your feelings! So don't believe anything he says about no sex etc..
We have stayed together and rebuilt our relationship. But on the basis that I would never never forgive him..I just decided to move past it.
It will take a long time I'm afraid and I don't think your relationship can ever be the same.Its down to him though to. Put in all the hard work
You will torture yourself with questions about her..but if you can resist the temptation to find anything out..she really isn't worth it.
Finally, don't bottle up your feelings..thy need to go somewhere..if you can't talk to anyone talk to us here xxxx

[mrscraig]

I cant believe this is happening to me, to my family.
I want to scream.
Thank you so much for being here.

[Badvoc]

You are in shock op.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you.

[roundwindow]

Just as you and others have said, don't underestimate the impact of the trauma. You are in shock. This is huge and you will be dealing with an emotional and physical reaction to match. You will not want to eat but in order to just keep yourself afloat (just!) then force something down, just a banana or something, you will hate every bite but forcing it down will just about get you through.

Take today and the following days half an hour at a time. Just try and reduce your tasks to the barest of possible essentials - DCs to school, clean uniforms for next day, etc. Then everything else: LEAVE IT. Rally as much practical support as possible with DCs. It is OK if you're going to pieces a bit at the moment!

And think about calling in sick at work. Just to give yourself space to give in to this awfulness and its completely understandable impact on your usual functioning. If sleeping is a problem, maybe see your GP to get some sleeping tablets just to get you through. You may only end up taking one once, but it could be that one night of sleep is just about enough to get you through the next days and weeks.

Most of all, hard as it is to believe at the moment: you WILL be ok

Hope this helps, sending loads of supportive wishes.

[Vivacia]

There's nothing wrong with a good scream if that's what you feel you need.

[Mosman]

I am three months down the line and could still take a baseball bat to his head daily I am that enraged.
It is like being physically shot or stabbed finding out.
You are in the driving seat now, never ever forget that.
And keep posting, it keeps RL is great but venting and pouring over the details is sometimes easier with strangers.
All the best my love, it will get easier whatever you decide, this is the worst you'll ever feel today.

[countingto10]

This website was very useful to me on discovery and the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

Right now you are in shock and need to look after yourself, get some legal advice as it will help to put some control back into your life when everything seems out of control. You don't have to act on that advice.

Do not make any life changing decisions whilst in shock (3 months is generally regarded as a good time, when the dust has settled, shock abated etc). Lean on family and friends, remember your "D"h is not your friend ATM.

Everything will be one day at a time for now so don't expect too much from yourself. Treat yourself and be a little selfish, new clothes, hairstyle, lots of bubble baths, anything to make yourself feel a little better. I survived on rich tea biscuits, popcorn and cups of tea for a couple of months so expect drastic weightless (could be a good or bad thing ).

Take care, think about what you really want and good luck.

[skyeskyeskye]

so sorry for you. please dont believe anything that he says at the moment. he will be minimising it and trying to work out what to say.

I am twelve months on from my XH announcing that he no longer loved me and was leaving me, right out of the blue. it was a total shock. i begged him to come back and he did, for six weeks, only to leave again. I then discovered that he was texting his mates wife all through that time, well over 100 times a day. Everything was deleted so that i couldnt see anything, but I had the mobile bills listing it all. they were flirting on email, facebook, texts.

the sense of shock was awful and it takes some time to get used to it. I stopped eating and ended up on anti depressants. I have a 5 yo DD, barely 4 at the time that he left.

My XH was the last person in the world that I thought would do something like that, so I can understand how you feel.

You will go through shock, grief, anger, upset. You will feel sick, shaky, disorientated.

Get yourself signed off work if necessary. Do the minimum that you have to do to get through the day. Surround yourself with friends and family and MN to help you get through this.

i keep saying this at the moment, but you will get through it, one day at a time for now.

[Lizzabadger]

Drink milky sweet tea or coffee and cup-a-soups if you can face them to keep your energy up. Look after yourself.

[mrscraig]

Thank you everybody. My mum has dropped girls back and they are being sweet obviously sensing something's up.
He has phoned to talk to them. I talked to him briefly but just so upset put phone down . I want him to know how deeply he has hurt me but at the same time to retain some semblance of dignity.
I have let work know I won't be in so have some serious thinking to do.
Am utterly bereft.

[mrscraig]

Where do I stand legally? Both names on mortgage. He's not here at moment but what if he wants to come back? What then?
God I wish this was a bad dream and I would wake up from it soon.

[Vivacia]

I would get some face-to-face legal advice on that, but look for advice on what to ask here.

Has he given any indication what he wants to happen? Perhaps that's a stupid question, as many have already said, you can't rely too much on what he says at the moment.

[GretaBritain]

Mrs Craig, I cannot believe your post. I could have written it myself - the relationship, length, the dd's, I found out the same thing a few hours ago. I can't believe it. I'm physically shaking and my thoughts are everywhere. I haven't even read all of the thread yet. I'm so sorry for you and for me. Thank God for Mumsnet, I have no way of dealing with this or what is right. Going to confront him later, I feel sick. Sorry for the hijack but I will come back later. Got to go home and go through this. I'm devastated too.

[Ledkr]

imperial has made some excellent points.
Just to add to the support I too was cheated on by my dh of 18 yrs. 4 kids one a baby girl we'd always wanted.
I felt like you "all my memories are with him" etc
Lost empty and frightened.
At first after the initial fury I wanted desperately to forgive him and carry on with life as I knew it. It's panic.
As time went by it became apparent that I was not a person who could do that.
I didn't want to compromise myself and become insecure and needy and that's how I felt.
I needed to be able to get older and be comfortable in my Scruffs with no make up on.
I didn't want to spend my life trying to keep him from cheating again.
I knew he'd go to her but I kind of thought he would do anyway.
Once I'd made that decision I found I felt much stronger.
I sorted out money and made a few nice plans to look forward to including a weekend away with my sisters.
I arranged childcare and went no contact with him to re charge my emotional coping bank.
I found I over romanticised out relationship at first, it took a few friends to remind me that he'd been a bit knobish lately.
You are in for a bumpy few weeks but you will get there.
Try not to get too run down. Eat a bit and try to sleep and relax.
You will be fine and so will your dds.
I had five brilliant years on my own enjoying my children and single life.
I'm now remarried to a hopefully better model so there is life after knobheads. Xxx

[Ledkr]

You too gretabritain sending you some mn strength xx

[mrscraig]

Greta I am so so sorry xxx I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
I think my heart has just returned to normal but I feel sick and shaken.
Lots of love to you, keep posting.
My mood has shifted in the last hour all I can think of is questions I need to know answers to.

[DotCottonsHairnet]

MrsC - I am now almost 6 months into the same process.

I've been through so many emotions - good and bad. Today has been bad and I've been to see a friend who has the broadest shoulders and is always there for me. Hugged with her - drank tea and she's dusted me down yet again.

The upside of it all - I've lost the weight I've meant to loose for ages - I drag myself to the gym but once I am there I love it.

If you want to chat - PM me :)

[Vivacia]

Did you have any suspicions, either of you?