Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

[mrscraig]

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

[Rulesgirl]

I have found that there is usually problems within the marriage that only come to light once the affair is discovered. Sometimes it is not as simple as the man doing wrong. Sometimes the marriage has got to the point where one or both parties are so unhappy that "shit" happens. Not saying its right just that a lot of the time affairs do happen for a reason. ie one party felt their needs were not met (in its simplist terms). I have found that it is these marriages that can often be repaired when both parties decide that they want to make it work. Its then realising why each other were unhappy and changing things for the better. I think affairs where the man just has an affair for the fun of it and never intends to leave his wife are more damaging.

[captainmummy]

I need to stop staring at these walls and treat myself.
MrsC - absolutely you do. And it will make him think - you are being you again. And you may even be able to live without him!

God I wouldlove to stash away in the hold (well not the hold...) Whereabouts are you going?

[badinage]

Wow, well there you go. It's just the opposite in my experience Rulesgirl. It also makes more sense to me that a marriage stands a better chance of coming back from something like this if it was in reasonably good shape to start with (not that I think marriages are always great all the time mind you) but for me personally, I think I'd find it much harder to deal with someone who was claiming there was unhappiness that he'd never even raised with me, or who was putting that forward as a reason for having an affair. I'd think he was hiding behind that as an excuse, really.

BF found it much more understandable and easier to deal with that her husband was using the affair as an escape mechanism from some shit he was dealing with at work. I think she'd have found it enormously traumatic if he'd tried to rewrite their past and had hinted at undeclared unhappiness especially when he'd been showing absolutely no signs of it before the OW came on the scene! But like we say, these things are all different and one person's experience doesn't have to mirror another's.

One mate who had an affair did have a shit marriage and she left it, but not for the OM. But it wasn't the only reason she had an affair and she freely admits that.

[tattyqins]

I'm MrsCraig's (favourite) sister, and I am so proud of the way she has handled this horrible, horrible news. I second what she says, none of our family thought he was capable of such behaviour, we are just in shock, particularly as he was so bloody disgusted when I had the same thing happen to me (see sister I can always make it about me) so the sheer hypocrisy of it all is just astounding. We are all behind her 100% and love her and the girls so much.

She has had really great advice on here and I know she has used much of it. My advice of 'you need to take her head off her shoulders' has not been used you will be pleased to know. Personally, I hope they can work it out but whatever she decides she knows she has her family here. OK, will leave you alone now.

[Rulesgirl]

I understand where your coming from but how can the marriage be in good shape if he has an affair just because he is stressed at work. In my eyes that's worse as he treats it like a bit of fun that hes entitled to but still wants to be with his wife and loves her. That just seems way more disrespectful. But....that's just my opinion. It is definitely interesting to here other points of views though.

[Rulesgirl]

Hi tattyquins.....thanks for your little message. A lot of us have been in the same boat as her and have found a way through it. It was so nice to hear all the positive stories instead of negative "you should dump him" advice. Glad that she has you and others there for her. By the way, how did it all work out for you

[tattyqins]

He fucked off and left me. Unlike my beautiful sister who has remained dignified, I did a wee on his toothbrush and in her facial wash.

[Rulesgirl]

ha ha ha ha ha ha......good for you. Bet that felt great. OMG you should tell him one day.

[captainmummy]

tatty

[badinage]

You're right it was disrespectful Rulesgirl and I think it was way more difficult to sort out because this really was about his issues and not the usual old blah about being unhappy and suffering from that other old favourite of cheaters, low self esteem (rolls eyes). But to be fair to him, he walked the talk, booked himself into therapy, read all the books and sorted himself out. My lovely friend would never have taken him back if he hadn't and he bloody knew he'd got it made with her and had been a complete arse. They are a fair few years on from it now and he really is different. I mean, we've known him and loved him for years and like the OP's sister, were shocked to the core that he'd done that but DH, BF and I all recognised that he shared quite a lot of traits with our mate who I've mentioned was an OW (we all know eachother, same group of friends). Both him and OW mate were quite ego-driven and prone to quick fixes when something in life went wrong. Both 'takers' too if you know what I mean, whereas BF is one of life's 'givers'.

I think it was much harder for her to understand why it had happened, but at least he was honest with her and didn't invent excuses that didn't even exist. He point blank refused to blame anyone but himself and for that at least, I respect him.

[Rulesgirl]

Well he sounds like a good man underneath it all then badinage and he is very fortunate that your friend took him back but maybe she knew that he was worth it. Sometimes I think you just know when the man is worth trying again with, like you said, if they walk the walk and show that they are truly deeply sorry then why would you not want to give it another go.

[BornToFolk]

I totally agree with PostBellumBugsy - only ask the questions that you actually want answers to. I regret asking exP if he loved the OW. There was no answer to that question that wasn't going to hurt me.

Also, be prepared that you most likely will never get answers to all your questions. Your husband has shown himself to be the worst kind of liar. He will carry on lying. Or just not want to tell you. I suppose some of it depends on wheter you both want to carry on - in that situation you both have to tell the truth.

Be careful of trying to hold on to him. I totally understand that need to make everything alright, to get your old life back but you can't. I had that decision taken out of my hands when exP decided it was over but actually now (1 year old) I feel relieved that he did. It was a clean break and enable me to concentrate on moving on and rebuilding a life for me and DS.

You're going through the worst bit now. The first few weeks are hell and you should do whatever you need to to get through them. But things do get better, I promise.

A year on from walking into my house one afternoon to find my DP in bed with another woman, and I'm actually doing fine. I'm still really angry with him but it doesn't occupy my every waking thought as it once did. I'm coping really well with being a single parent. It's hard, and lonely, sometimes but I have great support (sounds like you do to..Hi, tattyqins! Loving the piss revenge work!) and I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago.

You'll be fine. Focus on what's best for you and your children and you won't go far wrong.

[ChippingInLovesSpring]

MrsCraig :( sorry you are going through this, it's beyond awful isn't it.

It is very rare to be able to be happy after an affair - the trust has gone, the relationship is damaged.

You can't 'go back' you have to 'start again' and build a new relationship. This is very hard and takes a lot of work from both people. Generally the person who has had the affair isn't able/willing to put the work in (though initially they say they are) and they just want to 'put it behind us' and get angry quicky when it's still causing 'problems' all of 5 minutes later.

It does terrible things to your self-esteem - it's hard to feel 'good enough' or 'sexy enough' or 'young enough' - whatever...

Sadly, the girls will suffer either way - so please don't base the decision to stay on the fact it's better for the girls, that's really not the case.

He's lying to you about stupid stuff - her name, how they met... I seriously doubt he's in the right place to make this work with you - it takes a much more honest, genuine approach.

Don't let your (lovely) family sway you into thinking you have to make this work or that he's a lovely guy who made a mistake... they mean well, but they don't have to live with him. We all want our family members to 'work things out' because it's the best thing for us - it's human nature.

Big hugs.

[mrscraig]

Thanks ladies xx (and you sister) x am going to bed in a mo. Her 'piss story' was indeed her proudest moment! Will have to name change, she's recognised me on here twice now.
my emotions are still in turmoil but I do (secretly) feel a tinsy bit proud of how I am handling this. Am finding inner strength I didn't know I had amongst the wreckage around me.
Have had two very long conversations with him today and he is just desperately hoping to put things right.
I think next week will be crucial, time will tell .

[BriansBrain]

You should be proud of yourself and you do have the strength to get through this.

[Cerubina]

I also think you're doing incredibly for this early stage. My advice would be to echo what some others have said - keep him out of the house for a good long spell while you decide how you feel and he has a proper taste of life out in the cold.

I'm 9 months on from discovering an affair and I made what I now consider to be a big mistake by only kicking him out for one night, basically because I was too worried about coping with our children alone. Fast forward six months and he walked out and left us without a backward glance and I have coped because I have to. Now I wish I had made it painful for him to start with, because it might have changed the outcome - would certainly have given him a flavour of how messy and complicated arranging to seeing your children becomes when you are part of two households on different sides of London and are viewed with disgust by all your family and friends.

Of course, I might also have decided that I didn't want him back anyway if I'd kicked him out, but as it was I more or less made a fool of myself by trying to work on it when he had already checked out.

Enjoy your holiday and your girls.

[Rulesgirl]

When you going on your little hol then mrs.?

[mrscraig]

I'm off on Saturday so have lots to do to keep my mind occupied.
I think it will be good for my confidence as I'm organising things (eg travel insurance) which he always sorted out.
I don't think he has checked out of our marriage. He was devastated yesterday. I still love him but we need time apart. Time will tell and hopefully heal some of this crippling pain but a decision will be made when I'm ready and not a moment before.
Girls are very excited by the way. My youngest who is always the hardest to organise has already packed a bag. Goodness knows what's in there. Last time we went away she had packed the most random things, including sharp scissors which went down well with the customs officer. I will be a little more careful to check her bag this time .
Thanks for all your support and advice. I have drawn so much strength from you ladies. You've given me hope but also the realisation that I can get through this. I'll never forget it xx

[Rulesgirl]

Morning!!! Your up early. Bless. O goodness, yes do check her suitcase. You are being very brave. One thing you may find is that you now have strength and the ability to do things that you never would have done before. It's as if this experience causes so much pain that nothing else can bother you again in comparison. Not sure if that makes sense....you sort of feel fearless. !!

[countingto10]

Remember MrsCraig, his words are cheap, what you need to see now are his actions - if they match his words then, if YOU want it, your marriage stands a chance of being repaired.

Once again, enjoy your break with your DDs, what's the saying "a woman is like a tea bag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water"

[mrscraig]

Oh love that saying. I think it's absolutely spot on!
Have been awake since three, not working today so will try and go to bed this afternoon.
Positive thought of day- have lost half a stone through nervous exhaustion and no appetite. Wouldn't really recommend this diet though!

[NotSoNervous]

I just read your thread and my heart really goes out to you. Your feeling and emotions must be all over the place.

You've had some great advice on her and I hope you start feeling stronger and stronger. Enjoy you hols with your girls

[Back2Two]

Hi mrsC . I've read this thread, I'm so sorry you've been betrayed.

But I'm so pleased you have booked a holiday and truely hope you have a lovely time with your girls. What a brilliant, strong and positive thing to do.

[tattyqins]

You need to eat as well. Mainly because I'm sick of being the fat sister. Love you xx

[Rulesgirl]

ha ha......your sooooo naughty tatt!!!!