Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

[mrscraig]

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

Thank you xxx your strength and wisdom is helping me no end ladies.
Thanks for holding my hand but be prepared for another ear chewing. I feel the pendulum is swinging again.

During your breathing space, think about what answers you need. We're all different, but these were the best ones for getting what information I needed:

When did you first meet her (affairs start from that point)
How did it move from friendship to affair territory and when did that happen?
How did you give yourself permission to do this?
What do you remember thinking were your justifications for it at that time?(the longer an affair goes on and the worse the relationship therefore becomes at home, the more unreliable the justifications become)
What took place?
What contraception if any was used?
Who knew?
What impression did you give of me and our relationship? (yields more than focusing on words used)
Why do you think you did this?
What expectations did she have about the future? What expectations did you have?

There was also a really good one I only asked later on after finding it in the Shirley Glass book, which was:

What side of yourself did you enjoy showing to her? (i.e. romantic, sexual, protective, paternal)

One more bit of advice. You might think that he was unhappy and then had an affair.

You might be wrong.

It is just as likely to be that he was feeling fine about your relationship until he had an affair.

So don't project and don't react.

Listen to the answers and go away and think about them, having written it all down. This is really, really important.

So sorry you are going through this Mrscraig, I've walked this path too (just over a year ago) and know how hard this is for you at the moment.

I will second the minimising. Dp initially 'drip fed' details until I found something more on his phone, he then told me the whole sorry mess, even things I could never have possibly known or got to know about.

I would also guess that they've also had sex, sorry

Everything you are feeling atm is totally normal. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions.

RL support is what you need right now and of course great support from MN.

I am still with dp. We worked through the mess. It's still a hard path to choose and I still have moments of anger but they're only 'flashes' rather than days.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to grieve the relationship you thought you had and then once the fog has lifted you may know more of what you want for the future, whether this is with or without your partner.

"Yes he says he realises what a massive mistake he's made, wasn't thinking straight"
No, it's far too early for him to be making such statements. You haven't even begun to show him what a mistake he's made.

I would also second the recommendation of the Shirley Glass book Just 'Good Friends'.

Try to keep eating. Milk Shakes or Slim Fast can be good enough if you really can't keep anything down.

Anger is good! If you have it, use it to: pack up his stuff into bin bags and dump somewhere, garage?
Collect together important documents: certificates, copies of all Mortgage, Bank and Insurance statements, try to get copies of pension etc.

He needs to stay out of the house for a reasonable amount of time (3+ months) to give you time to sort out how you feel and what you think. If he really wants to mend the marriage he should agree to this, otherwise it shows how little effort he is prepared to put in.

Do not let him blame you. It was his choice.

Just lots of positive thoughts from me. I think it's good that he wants to come back because it gives you one more option to consider. However, I also worry that he might change his mind. It comes back to what was said upthread about him not being your friend (sole mate, confidante etc) at the moment. That's not to say you can't get back to that at some point though.

One minute at a time, lots of space to think and no rash decisions.

Thank you MN.

All the posts here - those of us who have 'just found out' and the ever insightful stuff from people further down the road - makes me realise that I am not the only one.

Over the last 3 weeks I have started to imagine (irrationally, I know) that everyone else is in amazing, perfect relationships and I am the only one in this hellish place.

I am afraid the world and his wife knew about my DH's affair - he shit on his own doorstep unfortunately and my Dsis (who meant well and was furious on my behalf) told most of her work colleagues who were also mothers at the school gate. But out of all that I had some lovely ladies come up to me and tell me their stories and what they did, they genuinely wanted to help and advise. One couldn't even look at her H and told him to leave and they now have an extremely good co parenting relationship (the ow was history long ago now) and another stayed with her DH with the help of counselling and she told me to do what I wanted and not what others expected of me which is extremely good advice.

Do not rush anything and wait to hear what he has to say for himself, do not try and fill in any gaps in conversation, keep the silence and let him talk, this is for him to try and fix if that is what YOU want.

Remember this too will soon pass ladies

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm 10 months down the line and I have days where I feel so,so hurt and angry.

Circumstances are pretty similar to yours but I had an anonymous phone call to let me know what was going on. DH said it had been going on for a month. Only kissed. That went to a few months, to a year to 2 years. And they'd done a lot more than kissed. (She backed him up on all of this too, btw).

It was all complete escapism on his part but she took it all pretty seriously (his fault) and the whole situation was a mess. I told him to go which he did for 6 weeks. We are working through things and have a better relationship now than we've had for years (together for 20). However, if he'd been nice and normal with me for those two years I couldn't have coped with that. I had withdrew almost as much as him, I threw myself into my work and he threw himself into someone else's bed. And that's really fucking hard to swallow.

Just remember (for your sake) that you can't take him back and then beat him around the head with it. It will destroy you. Give yourself enough time to figure out if you can move past past it or if you're prepared to try and move past it. If you really can't see a way through it then save yourself the hassle and take a different route and never, ever blame yourself for him having an affair.He had other choices - she wasn't holding a gun to his head xx

It is times and situations like this when mn comes into its own. I really don't know what I would have done in the last 24hours especially in the middle of the night when I was wailing like a newborn baby.
Thank you for all the collective wisdom. I have a lot to think about but I do have choices . I will not let them break me.
(Pendulum now on defiant emotion x)

you have been well advised on here. don't make any rash decisions, your H needs to accept he is at fault and deal with whatever you throw at him. Only you can decide if you want to give the marriage another go or not, you have had both sides of the story on here and everybody is being quite calm about it in giving you advice.

I begged my XH to come back, but in reality, I don't know if I could have ever trusted him again if he had.

But it is a decision that you and only you can make and it is not a decision that you want to rush in to.

I don't know why they keep lying once they are found out. I suppose they think that the less you know the more likely you are to take them back again.

mrscraig I've been there too.

I almost don't want to say this but treat his 'going to stay with a friend' with doubt unless you know for sure where he is.

"Your H believes/believed himself in love with someone else this morning (sorry) until you, finding out, burst the little bubble he was living in."

That might not be strictly true though. A lot of men tell the OW what she wants to hear in order to keep the affair going, but know that they are telling lies.

Which, from a character point of view is actually worse than a man who genuinely believes himself to be 'in love'. Telling lies to an OW shouldn't be of any comfort to a wife and what needs exploring is why a man feels entitled to lie to both women.

But the OP shouldn't necessarily take these words of love she read at face value. They might be yet another lie.

I think you need to keep in mind how you found out, you found the texts, he didn't tell you and had made no effort to come clean in the last 7 months. So really he has no remorse, he is sorry he has been caught.

big hugs this must be awful, and yeah I don't accept 7 months and not sleeping together.

could you contact her do some digging?

I really don't want to give her the satisfaction, I don't want to talk to her.
She is not worthy of my time.
Am feeling calmer tonight am going to see a solicitor tomorrow. I want all the facts in front of me before I can even come close to making a decision.
I spoke to him tonight. He is begging, pleading and making promises.
I have said I can't make a decision yet. I do know he is remorseful though so at least that's a start.
I hope I can sleep tonight. I haven't been able to so far and desperate for some respite. I am so tired.

Not really functioning- best of luck in your interview tomorrow. Bet you look fab in your suit xx
Right definitely off to bed now....

I am 5 months on from similar bombshell - became almost manic and still feel grief at what was said, messages, poems, letters and gifts - some of it v.much live on cheat book, photo websites. Lack of sleep a big problem - took advice from here of writing down feelings, physical exercise - looking for exhaustion to help with sleep. Self preservation kicks in but still struggle with waking in early hours and knowing what I have lost and can never be regained. I feel like an innocent in world which glorifies cheating, flirting and feel v. old and 2nd rate. .. OH is looking to move on and forward with me but doubt the authenticity, his commitment - too convenient? I pray you will get several hours of restorative sleep and wake up feeling stronger and able to cope...

You asked me earlier upthread how I coped with the lies......at the time everything was awful and you don't know whats lies and whats not. These men believe themselves "in love" but what they really are is "in lust" and generally given enough time most affairs will blow out once the man has got to know the real woman not her best version that she presents to him. When it was all new I was in shock and couldn't believe it. Went through everything the other ladies went through. Then after a month I started to feel stronger and had decided I had had enough of listening to his shit. I started having my own life again and started to feel ok about myself and that if I had to be on my own that it would be ok. The stronger I got the more attractive I became I guess. He started dating me again and after a period of time when I just knew that the man I married was back ( and not the weird man that I didn't know) I decided that I would prefer to start a new relationship with him than start dating someone else. As others have said, once you decide to do this you have to let go of all the past and start afresh. And you know what....this is a better relationship. As someone else said....its more grown up and proper. We talk as equals and really really enjoy each other. Sex is so much better and I love and appreciate him so much more....and I see that he is a very attractive man rather than just my husband. We had been together for twenty years and I think that after that amount of time and having kids, you just lose each other and you lose yourself and the woman you once were. Sometimes although its awful, an affair is a big wake up call for both of you. And its a very hard lesson that relationships, even when you have been together for all those years, do need to be kept fresh and you need to keep growing yourself as a person and do and try different things. So, although it was awful, (understatement!!!) I like myself more now than I did before the affair. I really do. I am actually a happier person and enjoy life now and am glad that this man and I are still together and in love all over again.
I know that its not for everyone but as I said in my earlier post, I decided to fight for my marriage and to fight this other woman who thought that she had him. I played her at her own game until she became the nagging, insecure woman as he started wanting to be with me more and more and more. BUT.....even though I made my goal to get him back, along the way I became stronger, more powerful and more happier with me. Not letting the other woman win just gave me a focus. I know you shouldn't blame the other woman and I understand why people say that, but these woman do know exactly what they are doing. Women are more calculating and devious and if a man is having relationship troubles there are women out there who jump in and play upon their emotions and make them feel sooo good about themselves and flatter them and tell them how gorgeous and strong and clever they are and ask them for help and advice. All the things we tend to stop doing in a long relationship. Of course the men should be stronger and not so easily turned by these women but as you can see by all the ladies posting with their stories.....it happens a lot.
Sorry its so long, once you start writing about it, it just takes on a life of its own.
,

I'm so sorry you're in such awful pain. I had a terrible betrayal about 18 months ago and I took ADs. They were a lifesaver. I'm coming off them now - gradually (so important to do it gradually) - but they got me through a terrible time and I'm so grateful they are available. They sort out your sleep and keep the right brain chemicals pumping as you grapple with the awfulness. Please see your GP because you are in shock and may benefit from some tranqs for a few days to take the edge off these awful early days. You can only get a few prescribed (my GP gave me 3) so you needn't worry about them becoming a habit.

Take care xx

Thank you, will go and see gp after dropping girls at school. I've had some sleep at least but I feel ill.
Rulesgirl, your post has really resonated with me. It has given me a ray of hope. If I strip back all the torrent of emotions i am feeling, the truth is I love him so much. I don't know if I can envisage my life without him. I am so confused, I lurch between wanting him back to telling him its over constantly. As soon as I feel I want him back I immediately think I don't and vice versa. It helps so much to write this down, it gives me a shred of clarity.
He has been going through a tough time at work and she was no doubt doing and saying all the things I wasn't. But it hurts so much to think I would have, if he had just given me the chance.
I really am not making any sense am I??

morning mrscraig! how did u sleep last night?
I was up prepping interview stuff til 2am but still woke at 5 with the usual thought process:
' oh what a lovely morning, oh shit, no, I remember, my husband wanted someone else not me and my life is a screw up'
thanks for the interview wishes .... its so not what I feel like doing now but I have to try.
I know what u mean about the confused state - I swing from wanting to punch him and thinking that he isnt worth the effort to knowing that I love him and would cling onto him to stop him leaving if he tried. I just wish it could all go away.
hope your meeting with solicitor brings you some sense of control and understanding your options.

Thanks x good luck. Let us all know how it goes. Will be thinking of you.
I am so grateful to have had some sleep but as soon as I wake up it hits me all over again. Hard. Like a punch to the stomach.

Like you, I wish it could just go away.

Good to hear you both had at least a little sleep. MrsC did you say your at the doctors and solicitors today? Good luck to you both.