Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

[mrscraig]

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

Mine never has answered all my questions.

I do know he is now officially with the slapper he didn't leave me for - just left to have 'space'.

As for the 'bonding' thing - oh yes we did that - I am sure he wasn't thinking of me - mind you I wasn't thinking of him

I knew something wasn't right for a while but couldn't put my finger on it. However I happened to see a photo which made me suspicious and I went and checked his phone. Silly prat - texts & FB messages all there.

I'm really sorry. But people do get through this and manage to stay together if there is willingness on both sides. The lying will be hard to overcome though.

He has been so cagey with his phone. Always had it on him really protective. Had been watching to work out pass code so had a look this morning. Couldn't believe what I was reading even checked to see it was his phone!!!
There were photos as well as texts. To add insult to injury she's only 25, I'm forty next year. God it's so fucking humiliating. He couldn't have hurt me anymore if he'd tried.

MrsCraig - there are rather a lot of similarities in our situations but I can't put more on here as I've an ex-relative thats taken to stalking me on the internet!!

We had the cagey phone thing too - prat hadn't got it locked but he did after I found the messages and he was swearing nothing was continuing

Thank you Matilda xx I don't know what I'm ready for but my gut instinct is there's no way back. He knows how I feel about infidelity he was there through the whole process of my parents marriage breaking down. The conversations we've had about the trauma it causes....
I don't know how I'd cope financially. He's always been of the one who has dealt with the financial side of our marriage so he could really fuck me over, I'm very worried about that.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. As for the financial side, go and get all the paper work tonight and tomorrow go and get copies of it all to be kept in a safe place, perhaps at your sisters or mums.

mrscraig I feel for you. I am now almost 3 months down the line of my 'D'H dropping the bombshell that he no longer wants to be in the marriage. He moved out 6 weeks later and I am 6 weeks into the 'new' reality.

What you are feeling is very normal but don't do anything rash. I read Shirley Glass as well as 'I love you but I'm not in love with you..' And the advice is to wait at least 3 months before doing anything final. For me, the decision was taken out of my hands as H did not want to do anything to help our marriage, he had already decided on out being the option.

I couldn't eat for the first month, I cried every day. I had a stomachache every day (from the stress) despite barely eating, I lost lots of weight. I made sure I saw 1 of my 3-4 close friends I relied on almost everyday just to have a cry or talk things over. I am so damn grateful for their support in that time. We were together for 12 years and married for 10. On our 10th wedding anniversary, I took the kids away on a glamping trip I had booked for the whole family as H decided he no longer wanted to participate.

If you saw me today, you could hardly believe the quivering mess I was just 2 months ago. I made a few conscious decisions that has really help see me through these hard times:

1. My boys will come first. Every time I am tempted to do or say something awful to H, I stood back, took a deep breath and think about how my actions will affect the boys in the long run and is it worth it? That has really helped me stay calm on certain occasions.

1. Concentrated on practicalities. I've got some temporary lodgers in to 'test' out how I would feel about having lodgers as I could not afford this house by myself. Even though H is now paying the mortgage and bills, I cannot imagine he will do this long-term and even if he does, I still need money for the maintenance of the house. I thought I would hate sharing my home but I've been so lucky and have loved the 'guests' I have had so far. And my boys don't seem to mind too much either. I'm going to host a student from September onwards and take it from there. I've gathered all our financial statements and even though I first spoke to a recommended lawyer a month ago, I finally feel ready to go and see her tomorrow for a proper appointment so deep breaths!

And I am going to be positive and start concentrating on myself after years of putting H and DSs first. I've booked theatre, comedy and exhibition tickets for the next few months and I can finally see some positives coming out of this awful situation I am in. I still have bad days - today was one as I came home from the park with the boys to have both my next door neighbours playing happy families in their gardens. It broke my heart ever so slightly. But then, my lovely neighbour invited me and the boys over for a cup of tea and cake as it was her birthday and I had a lovely afternoon with them. Onwards and upwards.

Just take your time and be kind to yourself.

Thank you for all the helpful advice. I have spoken to him tonight and he's very sorry. My instinct is sorry he's been found out. This sordid little affair was nowhere near to fizzling out.
How can I trust a word that comes out of his head. He even lied about her name.
I never thought something could hurt this much. My life is in tatters. I feel broken.

Thanks for offer of pm not sure how to do that. Will look into it tomorrow

I've also walked this rocky path that you have found yourself on.

It is horrible. I think you've done the right thing taking a bit of time off work. I took a couple of days too. A few months later more revelations came out and I took another few off.

The script, as someone's already said is that they minimise and then drip feed. Oh and conveniently 'forget' stuff.

I know how physically sick I felt, shaken too. I was then very angry, not in a shouty way, but in a very calm and controlled way.

If this is a deal breaker for you then that is fine..if its not then that's fine too.... Someone once said on here that the sex they could cope with, but the deceit, that was something else altogether....

That's what I felt too. My twunts fling lasted three weeks before I found out. He saw her twice but would email and chat in yahoo ( I know as I found the conversations)
I think they had sex both times they met. He says not, only once, oh well, that's alright then.

He broke it off as soon as I found out. Afaik she's never contacted him again. She was 16 years younger than me, but over weight. I'm tall and slim.... Even slimmer now!!

I'm thinking of u as I know your pain. PM me if you want to chat.

Mrs Craig, sorry for hijacking your thread but to say that these circumstances are similar are an understatment. I am a LONG time lurker, never post really but I am on here most nights....I have been scouring the relationship threads for the past few weeks trying to understand why my partner and I are so distant. Now I know. I still haven't confronted him...I will...but there have been factors why we have not been alone yet. I also want to read what is on his phone exactly before I say anything. My hands shook that much earlier that I could hardly read the texts never mind remember them!
Can anyone advise re the following...together 16 years, in house for 10, in his name, we have always meant to add both...how sorry am I now? We are not married. Jesus, what do I do? They've deffo had sex..those parts of the texts are burned into my brain...we haven't had sex for at least two years..yes I was going to post about that, how to restart it...the irony. Thanks to all who have posted to Mrs Craig...you all speak so much sense and it is all relevant to me too. I see a late night between me and my 'DH' (for want of a better description). I don't even feel angry, haven't cried, it is all a bit surreal. I have no clue what he may say when I confront him. Can I ask him to leave legally if house is in his name only? Even for a short while? Does anyone have any immediate advice?
My words are tumbling out here, heads a mess, any response gratefully received. x

Take care of yourself xxx good luck

Greta I would look into getting your name on the house asap. So sorry to both of you x

GretaBritain Do you have kids together? Before you 'confront', can you find enough strength to gather as much financial documents as you possibly can and make copies and keep them safe? There's also a legal section here you can post on. I am sure others with much more legal knowledge will come along to post. Also, there are ways to 'save' or forward conversations to your own email. I think you will have more bargaining power if you have proof of infidelity. Like I said, others with more knowledge will post soon enough, maybe start your own thread?

I can't sleep. I have never felt so low. Greta are you ok? Am worrying about you as well x
Am trying to rationalise that the worst day of my life is now over.

Sending you hugs mrscraig have you booked tomorrow off work?

Thank you. Yes no work tomorrow he is coming over to pick up some more of his things. I don't know where he'll go after that.
I found out tonight she's a girl he works with so he lied about where she worked and how they met. So even if I contemplate giving it another go, he will still see her all the time.
I can't see woods for trees. He's broken me.

When you say that he lied about her name and where she works, do you mean that he lied today, after you found out about the affair?

Yes he initially said she was a broker (someone he deals with not a direct colleague). Then after some detective work I found out who she actually is.
How he expects me to believe anything he says. How stupid am I though to believe him in first place?!! Someone said earlier he's not your friend at the moment, never a truer word spoken.

Hi Mrs. Poor you. This is going to be the worst thing ever. Been where you are nine years ago. But here I am today still with my dh and the relationship is so much better than it was before his affair. It can work out and it can be better but you have to go through this process of change and growth over the next few months before you are in a better place. I didn't want some woman walking off with the man I love so I decided to change things and not go down without a fight. I turned it completely around. Try and take each day as it comes. YOU WILL feel better eventually.

I took the phone and his it down my pants and watched whilst he flapped around like a loony trying to find it. Highly recommend that course of action for entertainment value if nothing else. I then bought some online software that allows you to see every text sent or received even the deleted ones.
Once I had that I sat back for 9 weeks and waited for the drip feeding.

Hid it down my pants I meant - for god sake turn the ringer off if you do that though :-)