Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

[mrscraig]

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

[mrscraig]

Wow mosman you'd make a great spy.
I slept for about an hour then woke to a wall of pain. Just tried to force some cereal down my throat but threw it straight back up.
He must really fucking detest me to put me through this. I thought he was my soul mate. I feel so gullible and naive.
Greta how are you?

[Vivacia]

You really aren't gullible to love MrsC, I think it takes bravery to risk opening yourself up. I can't imagine life otherwise, despite past betrayals. Hope you keep getting support today (here and/or elsewhere). I'm thinking of both you and Greta.

[mrscraig]

Rules girl- How did you get past the lying. That's the hardest thing, the lies he has been telling and I have just been sucking them up. I hate how he has made me into this 'thing', this cliche of a wronged wife. That's not who I am.

[mrscraig]

Thanks vivacia. I am so grateful for all the support I've had on here. It's been incredible.

[Suesue22]

All your emotions are normal your world has been turned upside down. I don't know how you can get past the lies some people can I know I couldn't as the trust was broken. Mind yourself and get as much support as you can.

[countingto10]

You really just have to take one minute, one hour at a time ATM. And I am sure you won't be able to eat properly for days/weeks. You can mend your marriage but it takes works and commitment on both sides. And I didn't get the whole awful truth for about six months after discovery when DH felt "safe" within our relationship - I got the important stuff almost immediately but something that was a very big betrayal at the time, he couldn't admit (to himself mainly as it was such a betrayal).

I am a person who needed to know everything, who had seen them together, where they have been together, what he had bought her (with family money), who knew about it etc etc.

My DH actually moved in with the ow without me knowing (needed his space, staying with friends . He dumped her as soon as I found out the truth and moved in with his parents and stayed there for about 4 months. We both decided that we owed it to the DCs to try and repair the marriage and committed to that. Went to relate for 6 months, solo counselling for DH as well (massive mid life crisis and childhood issues), dated during separation, he spent time building his relationship with the DCs. It is 4 yrs on now and we do have a better marriage, we communicate better as we both have stressful lives running own business, DCs with SNs etc. We both take time for ourselves now (I took up horse riding again, DH joined gym, took tennis etc).

You have to do want you need to do. I will never forget what he put me through but I have forgiven (for myself mainly). And I doubt I will ever trust anyone 100% ever again .

You can't go around the pain, you have to go through it so treat yourself gently and don't expect too much.

Thinking of you, it was truly the worst experience of my life so far.

[Badvoc]

You are spot on op.
He is not sorry he had done it.
But I am sure he is very sorry he has been found out!

[sophiedoggy]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this - I am too. Friday I discovered on his phone bill 30 or so texts everyday to a number. Most texts are first thing in the morning 6ish and last thing at night. Discovered who the person is on Saturday. Although our relationship has had ups and downs, over the last 2 months he really changed and over last 4 weeks he has been really horrible at times. I get blamed for everything wrong in the relationship and he talks to me like I am a piece of rubbish - not all the time just sometimes. He also barely speaks to me or joins in conversations. There is no doubt in my mind as to what is happening and it isn't a nice thought. I am trying to gather more evidence in anticipation of his excuses. Worst of all we have 2 little children 3 and 5 and he has had little interest in them. He has texted the other woman whilst he was supposed to be looking after his children. It is an awful situation and I really feel for you. It is them that have lost out. Nothing excuses that behaviour and we all deserve men that treat us right. I am not looking forward to sorting out access to children etc - the thought makes me sick. sending you hugs x

[sosooootired]

I'm so sorry mrscraig, I've been there too :(

That horrible moment when you wake suddenly and it all hits you again. It's the shittiest thing a person can do to another. I'm 18 months on and haven't a lot of positives to share..for the first 6 months I lost my mind. Looking back I wish I had just thrown him out, taken some tranquilisers to ease the pain and started afresh.
Try not to panic about the big decisions right now, you don't have to decide what you are going to do yet.


There is one indisputable fact - your DH must fight to save his marriage if it is to happen.

[countingto10]

I think that is the point, the DH has to try and repair this - there really is no room for ambivalence at this time. I knew my DH had issues so gave him the space to sort himself out but he was committed to me, the DCs and the marriage. He went out of his way to help me heal, I had full access to all emails, texts, bank acs, Facebook was deleted, second phone destroyed. He booked weekends away, arranged the babysitters etc (before all this would have been left to me).

The affair is all to do with them, their issues, arrogance, self entitlement, selfishness, self esteem boosts etc, etc. If you look back at your marriage you will probably find behaviours that point to this attitude but it was easier to overlook - now you can't . There are so many facets to an affair eg my DH was friends with a man with dubious morals who condoned his behaviour, other friends would have called him on it. He now surrounds himself with friends of our marriage IYSWIM.

This article is very useful - it helps to explain the types of affair and look up "the script" on here, you will realise you weren't going mad.

Take care.

[onaroll]

MrsC & Greta ,
I am another who has been in your shoes.
It's almost a year since he came home and told me ( I didn't discover the affair).
I'm a lurker on here , at the time I didn't post my story as I was scared the 'OW' would read and recognise me - I grew strength from reading others post and advise they got .

OW was also a much younger, attractive single close work colleague - of his.

He told me , I broke. She had decided that she would not be a mistress she wanted him full time and for him to leave me. He believed that too, hence why he was telling me. She had taken the week off work for him to move his stuff in.
We had been together over 20 yrs and married for nearly 18 - with 2 children.

We are still together, she left the company pretty quickly when she was told there was no chance of 'them' - but while she was there it made me feel sick.

It has obviously not been easy to get where we are today, it would of been emotionally easier for him to have left. I have felt every emotion going and then some. I wasn't drip fed, got the whole sordid lot in the 1st few hours and days, never would of thought I would of 'accepted' infidelity and stayed in my marraige.

Today I feel stronger and happier than I did a year ago, I have started to please myself again rather than my family mostly. I have grown, I see my own strength and acknowledge that I could be with out him and still be happy and survive - I have a back up plan now so if I want to leave the marriage I could and comfortably.
Our marriage now is different to before, it's more honest - we communicate more, make more time for each other . It seems more grown up in that it can't be taken for granted anymore. It's also more fun than for years.
I value myself more now - at the time I told him that 'she' may be younger, attractive, fun etc but I knew I was better than her : as I had standards and morals that would not allow me to sink to sleeping with another womans husband - then demand he leaves her. Also , I was shocked he found that quality attractive and he was lower than me too.
I made all the plans for divorce, got support and made him tell his parents the first night.

I am surprised we are still together - he fought harder than me for this.
For now it's is 'working' but if either of us becomes unhappy; it will end.

Sorry this got so long, I wish you both some sleep, some appetite and also to think about what you want to happen. It is not his choice alone- this is where you begin to realise your own worth rather than let him knock you down further . Xx

[mrscraig]

Thank you for all your support.
It will be interesting to see what he has to say for himself when he gets home today .
I just dropped girls off at school and then let out the loudest scream ever (in car i might add) . My throat is a bit sore now but it felt good.
I feel lost but my god so bloody angry.

[mrscraig]

Sophie doggy hope you're ok. I know this sounds terrible but I think I could cope better than this if he'd died.
I feel like he has died in a way . It's the deliberateness, did he not consider the consequences? He must have done then decided she was worth it and I was not.

[onaroll]

Mrsc - I understand that emotion , I have lost both my parents there was no choice on their part to die. Knowing he had a choice to do this or not is harder to accept and move on from. It hurts like hell. X

[DotCottonsHairnet]

It is lovely to hear that some can repair from this situation but I know I could not.

I meant every word of my vows and have stuck by them.

I could never love a man who has cheated on me and abandoned me and my children. Luckily the friends he has now all have low morals - those who have done the same. The lovely married ones have all dropped him like a stone.

The new woman is welcome to him - so sad she couldnt get her own man and had to pinch a married one. Two low moralled people together.

[mrscraig]

Just made decision he is going to stay with a friend for a few days so ill have some breathing room. He is very sorry and desperate to try again.
Just don't know what to do or what to bbelieve

[PostBellumBugsy]

mrscraig, I was in your situation over 10 years ago.

My advice to you at this particular moment is to take your time. You need to let the rush of emotion run through you. You are going to feel lots of emotions coursing through you & you need to let that happen before you can make any kind of sensible decision about what to do next.

It is ok to say to him that you cannot think straight and you need some time to adjust to the awful shock you have had.

[NotReallyFunctioning]

MrsCraig hope you are ok ((((hugs)))).

Just wanted to say that I could have exactly written your post I found out about an affair 3 weeks ago - though the affair was in fact 5 years ago. We too have been together for 17 yrs and have two DDs 10 and 7.

I haven't kicked him out (yet) as I am worried about the kids' reaction (and he has nowhere close to go) and that makes me feel like I am a weak, desperate woman

I have to say that I am really struggling to keep going but luckily have family close by and a great friend on the phone.They are the only two people I have told and without them I would not have survived so I hope you have some RL support. Sleeping an eating are hard and I have lost a stone in 4 weeks.

Everything you have said sounds like me - esp the bit about thinking it would be easier if he had died - I totally feel the same

My counsellor said to be prepared to feel a rollercoaster of emotions and to know that is ok and normal. THat helps not to make me think I am going crazy but I just wish I could turn back time.

Look after yourself as we travel this seemingly-impossible journey together

[Vivacia]

MrsC does that mean he doesn't want to be with her and wants to be with you?

[mrscraig]

I know its so hard isn't it. Glad thinking you would prefer someone you love dead is sort of normal. It's amazing what becomes normal in an abnormal situation.
I feel relatively calm at the moment. But I'm finding my emotions and feelings change minute by minute.

[mrscraig]

Yes he says he realises what a massive mistake he's made, wasn't thinking straight and more than anything wants to make it up to me.
Just don't know what to think, am all over the place.
He's left now. What's gnawing away at me is that it would have carried on and on and then what. I know I can't stake my life and future on what ifs but I will never know for sure.
I do feel in control of my future though which is the first time in years.

[mrscraig]

I know what you mean about weak and desperate. How wrong is it though that that is how we feel when they're the bloody weak ones!!!
Am sure you can now detect my emotions barometer has now swung to anger again! Xx

[Moominsarehippos]

You will be angry, then desperate, then bloody angry, then sad (then if you are like me, sleepy).

Try to take a step back and think what you want. No cutting off your nose to spite your face (either way). What would you advise your best friend/sister in the same situation?

You know him better than anyone I suspect, and only you can make the call as to if/when he comes back through your door and if you choose/can forgive him.

Don't feel 'guilted' into making a decision. Don't rush it either. Take your time, let the dust and emotions settle.

I would probably take DH back but make his life a living hell. Not nice but I find it so hard to forgive and forget.

[NotReallyFunctioning]

Yes - that's the ridiculous thing.

I feel like writing on my hand '.......but HE is the weak one - HE CHOSE to have an affair' so that I can read it to myself during whatever stupid thing I am tormenting myself with.

Anyway hope you can take your time and glad you feel a bit in control. Be prepared for it to change though.

On top of all of this crap I am trying to prepare for a job interview tomorrow - not worked properly for 7 years and not had an interview for 15 yrs - eek! I would cancel but I feel that I don't want him fucking over my career too - does that make sense? The only bonus......the stone I have lost in weight means I look much better in my interview outfit!

[HmmmWhatAMess]

I just wanted to send you some strength having been in the same situation as you a few months ago. What is important is that you focus on you and your children. If he wants you he isn't going to go anywhere, although I would take his offer to stay with his mother with some suspicion.

I an still with my DH following his affair. He have me what I thought was the truth and the lies just kept coming. I now believe the truth is out and like onaroll I am thinking so much more of myself and strangely enough we get on better. I have started to place myself financially better for a future alone (just in case) and he knows this.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best. It really is a awful situation to be in and none of your own making.

Keep posting on here because the ladies helped me no end.