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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help

521 replies

spook · 25/01/2004 13:14

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

OP posts:
sb34 · 25/01/2004 13:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster
spook · 25/01/2004 13:42

Hi sb34.He didn't tell me.Late last night I went to put an I Love You card in his bag coz he was going on a trip really early this morning, and there was already an I Love You card there from someone else! Quite ironic really.
He can't commit to any answers.He says he loves her and me.I love him so much but just can't live with that far off look-he's had it for such a long time.There's always somewhere else he'd rather be. I want to fight for my marraige but can I live with a man who loves someone else.My beautiful boys are going to get so hurt.

OP posts:
sb34 · 25/01/2004 13:50

Message withdrawn

jmg · 25/01/2004 19:34

Oh dear - many many hugs to you. This happened to me many years ago and reading your message still sends shivers down my spine.

It is early days yet - I think the marriage counsellors call this the crisis time because it is too early to say which way things will go.

As far as he is concerned by far and away most men choose to stay with their wives and families. The big question you need to focus on over the next few weeks is whether you feel that you will be able to put this behind you and rebuild your relationship. Only you will ultimately be able to decide this but there will be many people willing to support you through that decision - you only have to ask...

Many hugs from me.

motherinferior · 26/01/2004 08:10

(((hugs)))

Janstar · 26/01/2004 09:09

Oh, Spook, I am so sorry. I have the kind of relationship you describe with my dh and am only too aware how lucky we are and how fragile it all is.

However much you love him you have to make sure he knows how much this hurts you, because if you do forgive him and rebuild things, you need to be sure he 'gets it' and so won't ever do it again.

IMO the only way to sort this out is to talk and talk and talk, get right to the bottom of it. If you do still love him so much, don't be afraid to tell him. He needs there to be something for him to fight for. In the same vein, he also needs to understand how hurt and angry you are, as he needs to face the consequences of his actions, and what he stands to lose.

I would try not to lose my rag and shout irreversible 'get outs' and suchlike. Try to keep your options open and not get backed into corners by your anger and pain.

Obviously, Relate may be helpful. They will get you talking so that you can discover his reasons.

And don't stop posting on mumsnet, you will need a vent for your feelings, someone to rant to and sound out ideas.

Whilst I would not advise letting your dh treat you badly, if he has been a wonderful husband for 10 years it is well worth making every effort to get your marriage back on track.

You have my support, totally, and wish I could give you a big hug right now.

doormat · 26/01/2004 09:54

Spook so sorry to hear your news

there is some really goods advice here.

do you think you could trust him again???
do you love him???

if the answer to both is yes I would fight it all the way.

hugs
xxx

Original poster
spook · 26/01/2004 10:58

Hello to all of you and thankyou so much.My husband is this minute with her ending it.I love him dearly and already forgive him-or I think I do. But I haven't slept now for 2 nights because I can't stop thinking about all the times in the past year when he was quite obviously with her. He hasn't been with us in spirit for a verty long time either. I can't play certain records coz I think it may be "their"song,and I certainly couldn't watch sex scenes in a film or tv.Please tell me this gets easier. My heart is breaking.

OP posts:
doormat · 26/01/2004 11:27

spook
you are going through the numb phase at the moment
in the next few days you will begin to feel anger and resentment amongst other feelings
but one think you must never do
is blame yourself for what your dh has done.

Life does get better
but it takes time
hugs
xxx

mammya · 26/01/2004 11:31

Spook, I have no experience of what you're going through, no advice, but just wanted to give you a virtual ((((((hug)))))). And keep posting, if it helps you.

sobernow · 26/01/2004 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janstar · 26/01/2004 12:04

I would explain to your dh that you will not be able to heal until you are convinced that he understands the extent of the pain and damage he has caused. If that means talking and talking then so be it. He should be prepared to grovel. By doing this he will be able to persuade you that he really is sorry and means it. If he is the great husband you say he is he will do all this to make it up to you.

You will get over it in time. Even though it might seem impossible now, one day you will wake up and not think of it. After that you will have a day when an hour will pass and you will not think of it. And so on until finally you don't think of it much but when you do it won't hurt any more.

But only if he makes it up to you willingly.

Janstar · 26/01/2004 12:06

I would also add that this must never happen again. If it happens again, leave. If he truly understands what this is costing you, and then chooses to do it again, he is not worthy of your love.

Original poster
spook · 26/01/2004 12:53

Thankyou so much. I really feel like I am in mourning. He's not the man that I thoght he is and I have to come to terms with this different man. How can it be possible to love someone so much who has lied and cheated and not looked at you or touched you for a year? My self esteem couldn't be any lower.Will I ever feel loved again by him?

OP posts:
MancMum · 26/01/2004 15:16

I hope you will - it will take time and work for you to trust and feel loved by him again - but hopefully in years to come you will look back at this time as just a down time in a long and special relationship - I think people fall in and out of love with each other in long term relationships but we just don't expect it - I think you do need to spend sometime mourning - your relationship as was is gone and you need time to adjust and think about what you need from him in the future -

I did have something similar with an ex and after the pain and the mourning was over, I became a far stronger person and although I would not like to go thru it again, I think it made me realise how tough I am and that I should not be so reliant on 1 person for my self esteem.

You will get thru this - I hope your H (not so D at the moment) gives you the time and support you need. And there is always Mumsnet when you need it

Trifle · 26/01/2004 19:33

Dear Spook

I found out my dp was having an affair that had lasted nearly a year when I was 10 months pregnant with our first child. He didnt leave me and your husband hasnt left you so console yourself with the fact that if he had wanted to get out, he would have done it by now. However, dont give in too easily. When I found out about the affair I was still working and managing to hold myself together during the day but as soon as my key hit the front door I would be straight in the bathroom howling and howling and my dp would be outside listening but unable to help knowing he had caused me such trauma. He says it is the memory of my audible anguish and visible pain that has resulted in him never wanting to be in that situation again. Your husband needs to know exactly what he has done, how it has affected you so dont hold back on showing your feelings. Four years down the line we are still together, happy thank god although it took absolutely bloody ages to get through it. Like you I couldnt bear to witness any form of affection on telly, hear certain songs etc and it took nearly a year before we had sex again. What disturbed me most was the fact that they had stayed in expensive hotels when a Travelodge would have sufficed and no doubt the bitch would have been bouncing off the ceiling. I dont trust my dp as I realised in hindsight that trust is a completely useless emotion. Trust doesnt get you more friends, a better job, more money or stop your husband having an affair. If my dp had wanted to leave me I would have let him as I think fighting is pointless, if he wants to go then let him. I wish you luck and know from experience that you can get through it, it's bloody hard and will affect your relationship forever but hopefully something positive will come out of it.

Original poster
spook · 27/01/2004 14:22

Dear friends. I have asked him to leave and he has gone.I couldn't take his coldness towards me anymore.He not once put his arms around me and said sorry.He has wallowed in self-pity for the love affair he's just ended.At least that what it looks like from my corner.I have told him how much I love him and that I forgive him.I have even held him and told him it will be OK! He says he needs "me-time" and space to make decisions.So what was he thinking about the last 12 months when he was sleeping with someone else?I love him more than life itself-but it was killing me.Now I have to be strong and see if he comes back.Thankyou so much for all your messages of support.They really do help you know.

OP posts:
sykes · 27/01/2004 14:29

Spook, don't know whether you've seen any of my postings but I was/am in the same situation. If you want to contact me via e-mail please do. So sorry for your hurt and your boys' hurt too. How are they coping?

Janstar · 27/01/2004 14:44

Spook, I'm so sorry you have had to do this. I am sure you are right. I believe we teach people how to treat us, and you are teaching your husband that you are worth better than what he has been doing to you.

If he is willing to make it up to you, there is still space for him to come back later. If not then you have done the right thing anyway. He may well find that the grass is not greener.

You have been very courageous to do this when you obviously love him so much. Sensible you, knowing that loving someone is not all there is to it.

I hope he gets his act together and comes back with the right emotional offerings for you. I wish you peace and strength to get through this however it turns out.

Original poster
spook · 27/01/2004 16:18

Oh Janstar,
What you wrote is so true and so kind.All of the mumsnetters make me cry with their good words. Thankyou thankyou.
Sykes, I will read your story later when the boys have gone to bed.Thankyou for your support

OP posts:
madgirl · 27/01/2004 16:50

spook i would just like to add my heartfelt sympathy, and on behalf of mumsnetters everywere, love and support.xx

StressyHead · 27/01/2004 17:09

message withdrawn

deegward · 27/01/2004 21:59

Spook, I had relationship with dp for 10 year and in that time he had 2 (that I know of) affairs. I have to say although he initially ended our relationship it was only when I decided that I wasn't going back that he started to woo me again. At that point it was too late and I had met dh.

Waht I am trying to say is, t try to taek control, which you have done by asking him to leave, and keep that control, as You are in the right and have doen nothing wrong. I am sure it it hard with children, but make sure it it hard for him to, and get him to have to explain what he has done to make him not llive at home anymore. So that you are not the "bad" person in your child's eyes.

Please take care, and know we are all there for you

sykes · 27/01/2004 22:38

Spook, hope you're not feeling too awful. It's hell, I know. Lots of love.

jasper · 27/01/2004 22:48

spook you are amazing.
Janstars words are very wise.
I don't think it can ever be bad to make decisions and take actions based on maintaining your self respect and it seems like this is what you have done, and pretty sharpish at that.
Well done .
I really hope everything works out for the best for you and your family. One way or another you have paved the way for a better future for yourself and your sons.