help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

I second Janstars beautifully worded (as ever) sentiments and add that I hope a big bird sh*ts on his bags while they are outside! Grrrrrrrrrr. And huge huge hugs, I really do feel for you. Just looked back at dates and I see that you've not had long between finding out and going to Relate - my dh was out of the country when it all blew up so we had a few weeks to mull things over. Long and boring story which I won't go into as it's irrelevant now but time and space are what you need now, to work out what's going to happen, whatever is going to happen...

Oh dear spooks - this brought back memories. I went to relate with exH and I too only lasted one session. He spent the whole session blaming me for him having an affair, being absolutedly horrid. I did the same as you told him it was over etc etc.

However, it is still very early days at the moment for you he's wound up about losing her and so she will be the most attractive option. In a couple of weeks time he may feel the same about you so you'll be the best option and so it will go on and on and on and on...

I think what you have to do, to try and get yourself back together is to take control of the situation rather than let him think he is controlling it. So instead of wanting to know whether he loves you, wants to come back etc, all your conversations with him should focus on you. 'I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore... I need some time to work this through and see whether I think there is anything worth saving' etc etc. That way he's not calling the shots you are.

At the moment he sees you as his fall back option - you'll always be there for him and he can patch things up whenever he likes etc.

So I think you are doing the right thing - but of course that doesn't make the pain any less real does it? I don't think I ever realised that hte pain would be so physical - at times I really thought I had something seriously wrong with me I hurt so much. But you get through it, really because at the end of it, you don't have a choice. It will get better - you will have a life with much love and laughter in it. You're just at the bottom of a pit right now but you won't be there forever!

I'm so sorry for the hell you are going through. Big hug from me too. I really wish I could do something more constructive.

Spook I am soo sooo soirry that it ended like that but I second what everyone has said - you have done the right thing - he is just lucky that he has intact clothes in the bags - if he were my DH they would be shredded and marinaded in his precious wine collection!!

You need to get him out of your life - make yourself whole again and when you are you can truely decide whether you want him back - it seems a harsh thing to say but it is better for him to go and the pain be raw and current than the pain eating you away for years whilst he stays and you suspect that he either does not love you are or again having an affair.

Please please keep posting - take note of what Janstar says especially - she is sooo wise!! We will help you through no matter what way it goes. XXX

message withdrawn

Hi everyone.He is still here.He wouldn't go and then I felt so bad for and screaming and ranting and raving that I let him stay.That is what he hates the most-when I lose my rag.I have such a volatile temper and I know this is one of the things that ruined it for us in the first place.He cannot and will not tell me that he is staying for me.I have asked him for just one glimmer of light at the end of this dark tunnel and he won't give it. What am I doing???All that love I talked of last week is dissappearing.The thought of him here is terrible.The thought of him not here is unbearable.The whole thing is about him.He just cannot seem to comprehend my feelings or my pain.Now thinks I'm stupid for running away from relate,thinks I'm childish and punishing him for not eating,says he won't go coz he put this roof over my head, why should he leave.
Has more or less admitted that he's here for the kids and I would be a bad mother if I threw him out. I would have thought a happy mother was more important than two parents who hate each other.
Someone somewhere please give me some strength.

oh oh spook, read thru your last posting. Now he's got you blaming yourself for spoiling the relationship, don't go down that route.

I advise that if you can't get him to leave, you TRY to be as cool as possible. Don't talk to him, don't cook for him, don't wash his clothes, don't change his bed, don't give him the lifestyle comforts a wife gives a husband, make him understand the lonliness you feel.

I know it's difficult with the children around, but beyond bare civility in their company, I'd really try to ignore him.

oh love.

Spook - you need to get him out of the house - you both need space. You really must try and detatch a little from him - he's not willing to give you even a few crumbs of hope for gods sake. Tell him its over now... for your own good. Once he's out of the house and you have some space then do some thinking but you can't think properly when you are right under each others feet - each of you needing something the other isn't willing or able to give at this moment in time.

Honey he is trying to control you - make it all our fault - god go and scream into his face that he ruined your relationship by having an affair and how could it be your fault you were neither the one to drop your kecks and sleep with someone else or fall out of love with him.

Waht an arrogant selfish tosser you married - hoeny make his life as hellish as you possibly can - he is dillusional - god sorry for ranting but it is what these men do - they can't live with their actions so they try and get you to take responsibility.

Sorry he has no choice but to go one way or another - if you divorced him (I know I am jumping the gun here) but the judge would not expect you to live together inthat house - you would get it and he would have to find somewhere else to live.

I would do what everyone else has said - change the locks after putting all his stuff on the front door step and probably painting the word adulterer on the front of his car - sorry I a bit rattled at the moment!!

After that long rant honey the main thing is that you realise that it is not you - make him realise it - he did this to you and the boys - under no circumstances are you at fault. XXX

I would tell him that he has hurt you enough already and ask why he wants to put you through the living hell of being beside you every day when you cannot have him?

If his girlfriend is so wonderful why doesn't he want to go and live there?

He cannot have it both ways and he cannot expect you to live like this.

He put the roof over your head because you were busy having children, he has no right to pull that one on you.

Stand your ground and make him go.

Good grief, what an absolute arsehole he sounds. Please listen to everyone spook and get him out, even if it is temporary - you need some space.
Big hugs.

He sounds like a weak man Spook. All weak men grasp at strings of blame they try to attach to their wives/partners. I actually began to believe what he said and took a long time to get wise. You on the other hand seem to be stronger and maybe that's because of your boys and you know exactly what is best for them even if at the time it might not be quite right for you. You will be right though. It will take a little time and you're at the start but there is always a finishing post. Thinking of you still and checking your msgs. xxxxx

Oh Spook ((hugs)) a happy mother IS so much more important than two parents who hate each other, you're right. You have your whole life in front of you, your lovely children who will always be with you and he is the one who thinks all that isn't enough. Depending on how you're feeling, it might help to go out by yourself without the boys tomorrow, leaving him with them so you can have some time and space to think and work out what to do. I did it when things were really bad, telling him that he was going to have to get used to looking after them at the weekends without me around to help. The chance to clear my head and think without having to be a parent as well really helped. Just a thought...either that or wait till he goes out on Monday and get those locks changed. So sorry he is being such a b*stard.

Spook, he's been vile to you. I'm so sorry. It is so not your fault. Be strong.

Hello everyone.Just got back.Had to leave last night.I was sobboing and he said give me a break.Can't stand this mental torture anymore.My best friend spoke to him for an hour last night and got nothing more out of him.Like talking to emotional robot.Can't see the fuss about why he has to cut all contact with the bitch.Says she's upset and has to let her down gently.Didn't even come ot of the kitchen to say hello when I got back.What is the point??

How are things, Spook? Have been thinking of you all weekend. Please post.

Hi guys.Janstar I got your e-mail.THANKYOU.I will be in contact.Well,this is how things are looking.We finally sat down and talked last night.I had told him on Saturday morning that if he didn't change towards me and show me some sort of commitment then I would like him to leave for good on Monday morning.I put that one in his pipe and let him smoke it a bit over the weekend.Last night he finally seemed a little humbled.Said he loved me and never stopped loving me.Admitted that she was an escape and didn't think he would have got through the last year without some sort of crutch.BUT I am the one he wants.Alot of his attitude over the last couple of weeks has been guilt-he's so very sorry.He will work with me to make the marraige strong again.He understands that he has to cut all contact with her,but still has this huge problem that he has to work with her.His problem to get round that one.I think he finally took me seriously that I had had about as much as a human being can take and that I was falling out of love with him. The deceit and betrayal will always be there but now I have to try really really hard to put it away and move forward with the man I love.I explained to him that I would try and be strong but sometimes I feel like someone has punched me with a realisation and he understands that he has to ride that storm.Basically he is here and I love him and we are going to try SO So hard to pull this whole thing back together.
I feel like I can raise my head above water again and take a breath.Thankyou all of you for sticking by me.If it hadn't been for mumsnet and friends I really don't know if I could have got through the last 2 weeks.And hey-I'm thinner that the bitch now! I may have 12 years on her but at least I've got a brain and 2 beautiful children (oh and a husband by my side) Revenge is sweet! XXXX

Thanks Beetroot.And thanks for caring

You are a very fair and kind woman
it sounds like you have retained your dignity while spillling your feelings and turnig your heart inside out.
i am sure your dh's remorse is geniune and being forgiven and having that chapter of your lives put behind you will mean success in your marriage.
Please remember that the feelings of love' an affair generates are largely chemical and the real life your dh has with you and your kids is what truly matters.

keep your channels of communication open, trust him and never play the moral highground,IYKWIM, and you are right, she has nithing and you have come out as the winner.

Glad you have the magnamity and wisdom to be understanding of dh's big mistake and keep your family together
. I wish you all the best for the future

sorry about typos, one handed typing while bf

What a relief! I'm so pleased your dh is starting to communicate a bit more, without that things really are impossible.

I have to tell you my dh is worried about you too. He read this thread from beginning to end at the weekend and ever since he keeps asking me if you have posted yet.

I am sure that there will be many peaks and troughs to come in the weeks and months ahead, but I hope you always feel there are people here you can talk to and mull things over with.

You have a long way to go to mend your relationship but you have a great attitude, and it sounds to me as if you are teaching you dh to behave like an adult - well done!

I wish you all the best and hope your dh realises how lucky he is to receive such love.

Hoorah - I am soo pleased for you - of course this is not the end of it but is hopefully the start of a new happy phase for you two.

I am sitting here crying - what an old wally I am!!

Good luck - maybe showing him this thread now would help him understand your feelings??