help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Oh God.I thought this was going to get easier but it's getting harder and harder.That time from picking the boys up to putting them to bed is so totally desolate and lonely.Why is that? Is it because you know nobody's coming home???
There is a permanent sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.The more I think about what he's done and the time and energy and love and sweet things he's said to someone else, the more I think I am never never going to get over this.I am slowly coming to the realisation that he is not the man I loved with all my being.People keep telling me that I will again-that it will be different but it will come back.How can that be??
And how can he have the slightest bit of respect or scrap of love or feeling left for me when he did what he did for so long?
Last week I think I was numb and in some sort of trauma.This week it's slowly hitting home what he's done and it's like every few minutes someone hits me really hard and knocks me down just as I'm trying to stand up.
How will I ever ever get over this?And how will I bring those beautiful boys up on their own without the dad that they love and adore.My little one is obsessed with the family unit.He is happiest when we're all together and loves to get us all in a huge hug and say "my family.I love you" He's 4!! How could the bastard do this to us?
While he's away I am starting to hate him-so why does my heart soar every time the phone rings (not that it's ever him) And why does his being here grind me down so much?
God God God-I really don't think it's possible to sink any lower that I am right now. And I know that people go through far worse trauma's-sickness and tragedy,but right now I can't imagine anything worse for me.
Help-am I going mad???

Spook, you are not going mad! Your life has been turned upside down and you have been let down by the person you love. Of course you are going to feel low. Put it this way. If he left and you just carried on as if nothing had happened, then that would be a sign you shouldn't have been with him.
Its nearly a year since ex-dp walked out and set up home with his then new girlfriend, and although you can't see it now, and I couldn't at the time, life does move on. You WILL get stronger. I know it all sounds so cliched. But I look at myself now and count myself lucky. I've found some fantastic friends, have a social life, go down the gym, love the time I spend with DD, and most of all I've learnt to be on my own and actually quite enjoy it now. Whereas ex-dp has split from his girlfriend, is struggling to pay a mortgage, has to sell his car and is completely on his own. What goes around comes around. I remember when it first happened, I couldn't move from the couch, felt I was letting DD down, but I think you have to give yourself time. Don't expect too much of yourself at the moment. I know it hurts thinking of him with someone else, but soon those thoughts will turn into indifference.
Have you spoken to him about seeing the kids? Does he want to? That is the hard bit, making sure they're happy and grounded, but I do think he should help you in this aspect. He is their father after all. Why should you shoulder all the burden. Would you be o.k. to have them now and again, just to give you a break.
I hope I haven't been rambling too much, my feelings run away with me. I just want you to know that you DEFINITELY are not going mad, you WILL come out of this the other side and it will make you a stronger person. I am here to talk if you ever need to.

Sorry, meant to say would you be o.k. for him to have the kids.

Hopey is right, Spook. Unfortunately the way you feel is perfectly normal considering all that has happened. And you will get over it.

Some years ago, I had a boyfriend whom I loved achingly, and when he dumped me for someone else I really mourned for several months. Not a day went by in four months where I didn't cry over him, and I would lie tormented in bed at night, unable to sleep for thinking of him with his new girlfriend.

After about a year I was operating normally again, although I still felt sad about it. I vowed I wouldn't marry unless I ever loved someone else more than I had loved him, as it wouldn't be fair.

Four years later I met my dh. Then I realised that my ex wouldn't ever really have made me happy, since he was never able to love me as fully as I loved him, and never gave me the time and commitment I needed to feel fulfilled and equal.

I once felt that my life would always lack colour because I had lost this man. But I did get over it and learned a lot in the process. I could never have had the wonderful relationship I now have had I not learned so much about what I needed via that break-up.

You say you have had 10 wonderful years with your dh. I am not convinced that you won't be able to patch it up, but if you don't I think you will be able to see the good times lifted in your memory one day.

And if he manages to mature enough to be properly understanding of what he has done and all the knock-on effects of it, I believe you will be able to forgive him. It all takes time, and these are early days. But people are only human and they make very big mistakes sometimes.

The crucial thing is that he 'gets it' enough for you to believe he really feels your pain and will take responsibility better in the future.

I hope that happens, but if it doesn't, I promise you will recover. Strong women don't tough it out at bad times, their strength is in the way they go on loving through their pain. Their humanity helps them heal.

Spook - I send my heartfelt love to you and your children - I think you are coping fantastically. I cannot add anything to this wonderful advice already given so I won't even try....
I noticed, while reading this thread, a couple of mentions of his impending business liquidation/bankruptcy and after having experience of seeing my DH's family company go into voluntary liquidation I know the effect that this can have on a person. This must have been coming on for sometime. therefore was his affair a way of "escaping" from the harsh reality of the business and from all the people depending on him for their livlihood - he will feel tremendous guilt towards these people, and to you and your children - he will feel as though he is letting you all down.
I am not condoning for one minute what he has done but I do feel that the enviroment he is living in has coloured his actions somewhat.
Please keep going.....I am thinking of you all

XX

Thankyou for all your words of hope everyone.Sonnet,his money problems are definately a huge part of his state of mind.I have said I understand..he found someone who would listen to his woes with nothing else to worry about but her wonderful catch's problems.The fact that she gave him great sex on a plate obviously helped!He didn't look at her and see mortgage and responsibilty.I understand all that completely.What really hurts is-I have never once nagged about money or his bloody expensive sports car. And the fact that it went on so long.Excitement and mystique and sex are very powerful things...but to look your wife in the eye countless times and deny an affair, and to conduct the affair with one of the people who you HAVE to continue working with in order to pick your business up..FOR A YEAR. And to look at your children and see the love and trust in their eyes. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to the core.
He asks me if I have eaten yet in patronising "you are so stupid"way-instead of showing any genuine concern for what he has done to me. What exactly is it I'm fighting for?Not the husband I have at this moment in time.

god spook, this is awful. I've only just seen this and skimmed over the thread and just wanted to send you my good wishes.

Oh Spook - my heart goes out to you it really does - Just to reassure you that I WASN'T making excuses for him at all..
How are your children coping, do they know what's wrong/happened?
With Love
Sonnet xx

Spook, Again , I'm SO sorry. How are the boys? I know what you mean about the evenings - it's horrid. But it does get better, very slowly. Can you see a counsellor?

Hi Sykes. The boys are absolutely fine thanks. They seem to think it's quite exciting that so many friends are around.Although they doubtless miss their dad they are quite used to him being away. Something just dawned on me as I was driving along.You know how you realise things and it's like someone drops a ton of bricks on you and you can't shake the thought out of your head.
She ran a dance class that the boys used to go to-my youngest was still going there when the affair started.I used to drop him off and pick him up.I always thought she looked at me really strangely.Now I know why.What a complete bitch.He started going again a few weeks ago.My husband must have shed pounds when he asked if he could go again.Coincidentally enough it was the one morning of the week he would shift his ass and drop the boys off anywhere. Will these thoughts and horrible realisations ever stop? I'm so glad I threw my diary from last year out a few weeks ago-I would still be obsessively scanning the pages for clues.

Oh, spook,
I've just seen this thread, and I feel soooo sorry, I know I'd be devastated in your shoes.
You've said how much you love him, and how much you want him back, but does he know what he wants yet? Obviously it would be ideal for him to have things as they were a month ago, but that isn't an option. It's no good you wanting him to come back if he can't settle. I guess that, for all the things running thru your head each evening, there are things running thru his too. I believe men in this situation do feel guilty (how can they not), and as they so often do, men deflect that off you, the dw. The guilt gets in the way.

I think you need to spend some time (like a weekend) together without your boys, so you can really talk, without a time limit, and without the worry that the boys will hear if you shout at each other (which I think would be pretty reasonable in the circumstances). I wouldn't try to understand why he had the affair, I guess lots of men in there 40's don't reason it out, they just see an offer and take it, flattered that they have still "got the magic", especially if his business and personal stuff (like his friends with cancer) seem to be going down the tubes.

What I would ask him if if he still loves you. NOT in comparison to her (they are probably different feelings anyway), but all things put together, does he picture his future life without you? only seeing the boys at set times. If his business doesn't survive, who will hold his hand and help him thru (bet she won't, when he needs propere emotional support and he's not got much cash to fling around). who was there helping him build it up in the early days?

I have two phrases which I use when dh and I are at odds with each other.

"I don't need a great deal of love, but I do need a steady supply " is one.

If we're really rowing (doesn't happen often I'm pleased to say) then I tell myself
"I'm beautiful, and I'm bright, and I deserve better than this".

At the end of the day, if he decides to go, then God that will hurt. But it will be an end. You can start to organise life for you and your boys, begin the grieving, and begin to look to the rest of your life. If you let this drag on, you will just open the cuts again every time he rings, or comes to see you. That drags you down, and will affect your boys eventually.

Sorry, I've gone on a lot, just wanted to give you my support. Love to you and your boys. I hope he sees sense and comes home, learns again to love those who really love him.

Oh dear.He got home really really late last night and I lay there for hours listening to him moving about downstairs-getting a drink etc. Then after about 3/4 hour he shut the kitchen door.My God-I have never been out of that bed quicker in my life! This is when he used to text and call her and he always used to say he shhut the door so the dog couldn't get out of the kitchen.So ofcourse I crept down the stairs and flung the kitchen door open-shaking like a leaf I might add!!
Was I being totally stupid or is this understandable?Will I ever not do these things??Sykes-help!!
So anyway I was really off with him (I hate him right now) and that was the wonderful start to him coming home. Oh well-Relate at midday today.Is it really worth it?

Hi Spook and huge ((((hugs)))))). I've been through a very very similar situation a couple of years ago and I'm sitting here shaking reading this thread cos it has brought every emotion back to the surface. I can totally empathise with you, every feeling you describe is one I've felt. For what it's worth, through counselling but mainly through working it out ourselves we managed to find our way through it.

I think that getting through this sort of thing is like the process of grieving - there's a process you have to work through, whether you split up or not. What you described about last night is SO familiar to me; that pounding heart and shaking like a leaf and terrified what you're going to discover and then nothing...Relate will help. The best thing they told us was to allow a certain amount of time per day/week for discussing the affair and that the rest of the time we should try and function as normally as possible (which was not very normally, it must be said). We veered from screaming arguments (me) to total b***d coldness (him) to getting drunk and listening to music we used to listen to when we first got together and crying to sniping bitchily to, well, everything in between really. Eventually it got better and now 2 years on I find that even if I try and make myself feel bad by imagining them together I can't really do it, it seems too distant. At the time I never thought that could happen cos I felt like I was walking about with a gaping wound in my stomach which would never heal - the physical pain of it all was surprising and like you I couldn't eat. And like your dh, mine was irritated by my inability to eat rather than being concerned which felt to me like yet more proof that he just didn't care. However (and sorry, this is v badly written and rambling but it's 7am, I haven't turned my brain on yet!) we'd had a very difficult few years as well and this seems to be a common male reaction . Dh says now that he couldn't quite believe he'd found himself in such a cliched situation and couldn't work out how to get himself out of the mess. Again huge huge hugs, keep posting and good luck at Relate.

Hi Spook, I agree with Skara, Relate will help. With a counsellor in the room, people cannot offer their usual glib replies. They must come up with something more real. And counsellors are trained to get to the root of the problem, when we might skate around for ages not knowing how to do so. A counsellor will help your dh to understand what your feelings are.

I think the reason he is irritated by your inability to eat is because he feels guilty about it. And so he should. Guilt is part of the process.

I also think that Skara cannot conjur those hurt feelings up any more because they have been fully faced and worked through. It is the only way to future peace and happiness.

Is your dh going to Relate with you? If so that is a good sign.

Spook, you are not going mad. I am so, so sorry - keep saying that which isn't much use, I know. but I am. Of course it's natural to "drop in" on situations where he's incredibly likely (on past experience) to be acting dishonestly. She is a selfish, unpleasant person and anything they think they have is built on cruelty and deceit. I've only just started to really understand what a selfish twat my h was. Having an affair when your second dd is only nine months old is despicable, no matter how you dress it up. It's despicable in any format and to do that to you and your boys is pathetic and cruel. I'll post more later. Do go to relate but have you got a friend you can see afterwards? I think it will be very upsetting (but hopefully helpful) and it doesn't sound as if your h can be relied upon for ANY support. Thinking of you.

Hi girls and thankyou for your time.I CAN'T DO THIS.He still says he has no feelings.She is what made him happy in the last year.NOTHING ELSE.Can give me no answers right now.Doesn't think he's got enough in him to make this work.SHE is still texting him.He has not even told her not to contact him again.Expects a bit more civility from me.Has tried to remember the last time we were really happy yogether...reckons it was New Year 2001 for fucks sake.WHAT IS THE POINT of me fighting for something that's not there.Says the only thing he can give any thought to is money and how he's going to get through.AAGGHH.At this moment I am so angry.WHY IS IT ME PUTTING THE EFFORT IN!What is thepoint of going to Relate in 2 hours when he has no answers and is not prepared to discuss anything??? My life has fallen apart and I can't see any way out of it.

Spook, please go to Relate. Please, please, go. The counsellor will help you, I promise. Obviously there are no magic solutions but at the very least a counsellor will make you feel normal and help you to deal with what is happening to you.

Only you can decide whether or not it is worth going on. Your dh is hurting you at every turn and is not seeming aware of your pain. I can really feel how that must be, like twisting the knife.

Where do you live? If you are anywhere near me we will have to meet up.

I don't believe he is telling you the truth Spook about the last time he and you were truly happy - he is just trying to excuse what he has done -how could he not have been happy when your dear DS was born??

I hope relate will help - I hope it will make him fac up to what he has done/is doing to you and your children and I think you must be extremely slefless to even think about still having a relationship with him inthe face of his callousness to you and your feelings.

You are being very brave and as I have said countless times no matter how much we think things have fallen apart they do start mending themselves regardless of how bad things get you will start climbing back to the point where you were your old self - I really think that we are never given anything that we can't cope with (sounds flimsy but a year ago I would not have said that at all.)

Are you near to any of us who can help you??

Hi Twinkie and Janstar-two of my saviours. I am in Newcastle. On a beautiful lovely sunny day.God I feel so sick.

What a bu**er! I'm hundreds of miles away from you in the South . But at least it is raining here so hopefully that might cheer you up .

Is dh going with you to Relate?

Yes he is.Doesn't believe in it but said he will come.To be perfectly honest with you I don't even want to be in the same house as him right now-let alone sit in a room for an hour. It's so easy to be angry on a sunny morning. As soon as the sun goes down I'll be desolate again. Good grief-I'm so sorry.What alot of self indulgent rubbish I write. It just pours out of me onto the keyboard!

spook, poor poor you. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. Relate are good, I've been and it can help.

hugs {{{{{}}}}}

Oh dear I am in London so not really near you at all!!

I just can't believe he is being so damn selfish - you have every reason to hate and despise him at the moment - it just amazes me that you still have love and care in your heart for him - you truely are a brave lovely person.

I hope things go ok for you at realate and the counsellor can hopefully shed some light on the way he is acting - I think he is behaving like it out of guilt TBH - trying to give you a reason for his actions and the way he has behaved having this affair and treating you as he is - I also think the anger about you not eating is more to do with wanting you to carry on as normal and if he sees you not eating he is only reminded that he has brought you to this.

Good luck honey - I will log on later when DD is at school to see how you are going.

Keep trying to take everything one step at a time - it will be hard but one day just existing will cease and you will have love and happiness in your life again.

Just an after thought - I wonder what you telling him that you don't want him anymore would do to him - maybe shock him into the realisation that he can't treat you like this and get away with it.

XXX

Oh and you are not self indulgent at all - please never think that keep writing we are all here to listen and help as much as we possibly can - I know how valuable MN can be believe me - you'll get there with or without our help but we would rather you post on here and talk through your feelings than bottle them up and get to a place where you don't want to be.

And you have every right to feel angry too - he is a wanker IMO right now.

Hi Twinkie,
Believe me I am not far off that! If he wants me to stop loving him so much then he is certainly going the right way about it!