help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Do you think a short sharp - you have pushed it too far would be of any benefit - I would probably go down that line but I am terribly volatile after all that has happened to me.

I would have his bags packed and an appointment with a solicitor arranged before he could blink - mind you that would probably drive him back to her - god there is just no easy answer is there?? Do you think something is still going on??

I just can't believe how f*cking self indulgent he is being - does he not see what he has done/is doing to you.

Spook, he is being a complete arse and he's completely self-deluded. All I can say is it will probably take a long time for him to have any idea of what he's doing/has done and the implications. He's not a child for f's sake - HE is responsible for his own happiness not you and he needs to earn that happiness - it's not a God-given right. He had more than so many people will ever have - one day he'll realise it. My h is just about starting to understand what he's done - just starting after eight months and is looking miserable and is unhappy. I am starting to feel better. do anything you can to preserve your sanity. Get as much help from friends as possible. TRY to look after yourself although I know until very recently all I did was feel devastated, cry, spend endless nights prowling round the house, feeling sick, alone, not knowing what/who I was. Lots of luck and let us know how it goes at Relate.

Twinkie is right, of course you are not self-indulgent. I think your posts have been remarkable lacking in that particular sentiment, in fact.

You keep posting and don't give it a thought. You need to be heard at a time like this.

Sykes you are being terrible strong through all of this - I remember when you first posted and just how awful things were for you.

Does his unhappiness make you feel any pity for him or do you think that he is now getting his just desserts?? WOuld you ever think of taking him back?? - Sorry for being nosey just wondered thats all - think you are probably well and truely sick of him by now though!!

Thanks Twinkie and Sykes,
I am so close to telling him to f**k off, but it's so easy to say it and then realise that the implications are the rest of your life later when you're on your own at night. But I am beginning to think a short sharp shock is maybe what he needs-although I have chucked him out twice already remember and it doesn't seem to have made the slightest difference. I am so fed up of being on my own-physically and spiritually.
But yes-I am slowly realising that his being here is doing no-one any good. He says to me "where will I go?" Like I really give a shit where the hell he will go.Fuck him!!!

(Janstar I want you to be my mum )

Hi Twinlkie-I did feel really sorry for him last week but now he is being so cruel that my feeling are dissappearing. Although he did have his car broken into in London and had to drive back last night with no passenger window-and I felt sorry for him!! Can you believe it.

Who gives a flying f*ck where he will go - he should have thought of that whilst he was with her - doesn't she want him cause it seems like he is not doing a hell of a lot to preserve your relationship.

You may think about being alone but to be honest do you think not having to look at him and put up with his misguided self pity would be good for you at the moment - tell him to piss off for a couple of weeks - he can come and see the boys but other than that you need time to work through your feelings and he just isn't being very helpful.

As for wondering about the future - would being alone for a while be that terrible interms of what you are going through now - chuck him out and make him earn you honey - make him reaise that he is not the victimof his actions but you are, you and the children.

Sorry to be so negative, part of me feels like I'm not helping but part of me feels like he must be crazy to act like he is and maybe feels like you love himthat much that you will put up with it - you throwing him out twice and then having him back sort of reaffirms to him that he can behave like that and you wll still ask him to come back.

Spook, please post later and let us know how you got on at Relate.

Funny isn't it - you feeling sorry for him having to drive with no window in his car whilst he does not feel any pity for ripping your heart out and putting it in the waste disposal - sometimes I think we women are bloody niave!! Has he mentioned what he has done to you as a family - affecting the children or is he not even going there??

Even after everything X2b has done I am still having second thoughts about taking him for every penny although half of me feels like Ishould drag him through the pain that I went through for so bloody long!!

Just call it karma, Spook - he bloody deserves it. My h's car broke down last week in the middle of town at the traffic lights. Did I feel sorry? No, I laughed. I know you want things to be how they were/miss him desperately and feel isolated and query everything about your life and would give anything to have normality back. But he's behaving in such a despicable, selfish, stupid and immature way he really is no good to you at the moment. I SO didn't want my h to go SO hated it when he went. And although have had months of misery if I'm honest I couldn't have lived with the fear of the unknown (would he go, would he stay), treading on egg shells, which I despised myself for, sleepless nights and feeling sick to my core through worry. I'm not saying it got much better after he'd left and I clung to the hope he'd want to come back but more than one friend said they thought I'd end up hospitalised if the situation had gone on much longer. There was no communication - didn't really have a clue what he was thinking. It's SO hard but now, at least, I have some clarity on the situation and don't make excuses for his behaviour. He was an arse, a selfish irresponsible arse. We all have worries and pressures. We're all adults and we make choices and take decisions. Don't excuse him/feel sorry for him, he's a leach and you need any strength you have for you and your boys.

Sorry to go on but do you actually want him - or just the stability of someone there with you to go through everything - thats what a relationship is about loving and respecting the actual person you are in the relationship with - he obviously didn'thave much respect for you to lie to you and jump in bed with someone else let alone lie to you for so long - I thnk that is more of a betrayal lying about things to your partner. Do you miss the very essence of him or do you just want things to be back to mormal as it was easier?? (Although I think you probably suspected for a long time and that must have been incredibly hard too.)

I wish I could come up there - I have looked at the fixtures for Arsenal playing Newcastle but it is not till Easter Monday (if you need me to I would come up with DP and meet you) so I'm sending you a big hug instead ()

THANKYOU all of you. Will answer all the questions later -off to Relate.You are all SO KIND.

Hi Spook, dunno if it helps but at the time my dh was just as arseholey (can I say that here?!) and just as cold and just as much of a b*stard. He also said he didn't love me, that he couldn't remember when he last did, that he couldn't remember us ever being happy, etc etc etc. At counselling a few weeks in it emerged that he said all that cos he was protecting himself and also he didn't feel he deserved us (me and children) and was trying to push us away. All stemming from family stuff in his childhood, and traumatic stuff that happened to us in the years leading up to it all. Yes your h is being a total wanker but so was mine and it took counselling plus me reaching a point of 'right, I don't even know if I like the person you've become let alone love you, please leave and stay in a travelodge' before we worked through it. Not saying every relationship can be saved or is worth saving, and to be honest I still have to grit my teeth sometimes, but on the whole it was worth it and as Janstar says it is worth going to Relate even if you both go there with dragging feet. (In fact we found it a bit of a bonding experience in a funny way cos we loathed it and the counsellor and the whole knit your own yogurt idea of it!). Must go, probably have made no sense again but have to pick up dd from preschool and don't think 'have been mumsnetting' is a valid excuse. Oh and thanks lots and lots Janstar, for pointing out something I'd never realised before about the healing process - feel very good now

Dear Spook, feel so much for you. Very similar situation. H behaved like a total tosser too. Fed me a whole lot of rubbish about how I became a mother at the expense of being a wife etc etc. Wanted somehow to blame me for his inability to remain a faithful husband.
It is a horrible time for you now. I felt as though my world had changed completely and I was fumbling around trying to pick out familiar surroundings. It is so hard to think logically and clearly when your mind is frantically trying to come to terms with such a momentous change.
Please try and take your time and try not to let your H control every situation.
I firmly believe that for you both to stand any chance at all your H has to terminate all contact with the other woman. He has to respect you and the relationship you have together more than anything else right now.
You deserve far better than to be treated the way your H is treating you right now but you cannot make him treat you properly, only he can do that. What you really need to decide is what are you prepared to live with? It is a really, really difficult decision and that is why I would urge caution.
Despite lots of very sound advice from friends and mumsnetters about what an arse my H was and how badly he was treating me, it took me a year to decide that our relationship was definitely over. However, at least I know that I gave it my best shot and that ultimately, it was my decision to call it a day.
Huge, huge hugs to you.

Hi.I lasted 5 minutes at relate.First question to him. Is it over.He said yes but maybe not in his head.second question-why did you have the affair.he said coz he fell in love with someone else..not that we were going through a bad patch etc but coz he fell in love.Can't do it.Ran away and his bags are now on the doorstep.No sign of him.

Just sending you a hug, Spook.

Spook, so sorry it didn't work out at Relate. Just to let you know am thinking of you.

Big hug ((((x)))))

Spook, I am so sorry.

I think you are doing the right thing. Let him go. His being at home with you is making every day torture for you. I think there is still a chance he will want to come back but it should only be if he is coming back to wholeheartedly commit to you. Don't accept anything less.

Your extremely difficult task now is simply to get through each day, giving yourself time and space to allow the hurt to heal, however long it takes. Eventually you will find yourself positive and making plans for the future. But first is the painful time of coming to terms with what has happened.

I see it as a long hard trek through enormously difficult terrain where you will be injured, exhausted, confused and lonely. But at the end of your journey will be a new peace and a better place to be. That place is there, never never forget that. And you will reach it. But it will take as long as it takes.

You and your children have each other's love, there will always be a cuddle for you there. I know that is not the same, but it is more than some people have. You still have a beautiful family, your dh is the one who is alone for now.

You will never be alone in facing anything. You have your kids and you have mumsnetters who care deeply about you and will not let you make this journey alone. Lean on us for support.

Spook,
am so sorry that it didn't work out at Relate this am.
Don't know whether this helps, but when my parent's split up - my D was having an affair, my Mum asked her Mum to help (I was 6 and brother was 4) - we ended up moving to stay with Grandma for 3 months while my Mum sorted herself out - she came to stay sometimes and then spent time with other friends and family. She says this way she knew we were being cared for and were removed from the situation ie the screaming arguements and Dad moving out. As kids we thought it was a great adventure and I went to school in Liverpool for a term - don;t know how that worked out or if that is possible now?
What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is can your parent's/family help out at all so that you can have some time on your own to work out what you really want - even if it is only for a weekend?
Sending big hugs to you and think you are being so strong.
xx

Spook, sorry love, wish I could give you some sort of support, but I can't think of anything.

Let him go, it's his loss ( I know it feels like your loss right now, but you will get over it... eventually)

Remember, "I'm beautiful, I'm bright and I deserve better than this".

Cuddle your boys and take what comfort you can from them. My heart goes out to you.