help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Spook all the best luck in the world for you
You are so dignified and an inspiration to us all here.
hugs
xxx
ps I think you are doing the right thing

Thankyou Doormat.I don't deserve that but thankyou x

Spook, I wish I'd had your dignity. Lots of luck.

Spook - whats happended?
Has he realised what he has done?
I hope you are ok

Hi everyone, I had a horrible horrible dream last night and I was really shitty to the boys aswell. I think I'm cracking up! Can any of you give me some of your invaluable advice? Help me get through this weekend girls.PLEASE.Do I try and remain as calm as possible(sometimes feel like I and walking in marshmallow) Do we try and do something as a family and really lovely for the boys? Do we have one night of thrashing it out then another night of normality infront of Auf Weidersein Pet?!Oh God-I know there are no answers really. I just feel like I can't do this one on my own. I am a bundle of contradictions.What I do realise is that if he stays away too long I will end up hating him.I have worked that one out.Thanks for staying with this one everybody.You are getting me through.

Is it any wonder you feel so disturbed? Only a few days ago you were blissfully unaware that there was anything wrong, and suddenly you are going through all this! I think anyone would be having odd dreams and feeling weird. The only surprise is that you have held it together so well.

Keep on doing what you're doing, Spook. It sounds as if it is working to me. As Sobernow said, keep that emotional wall up. You need to protect yourself until such a time as your dh has made enough effort to make you feel safe enough to open up again. You shouldn't gamble if you can't afford to lose. So you would be best not to gamble on your dh until he seems like a safer bet.

If I were you I would want to make him squirm, not to be mean or horrible, or to punish him, but to make this as unpleasant an experience for him as it has been for you, in an effort to ensure he doesn't repeat his behaviour. If that sounds mean I'm sorry. My dh did something that upset me badly once, and boy did I make him suffer! He had to grovel like mad to get emotional intimacy from me again. But because we have gone through that, I feel satisfied that he 'gets it' about how bad he made me feel. Assuming he does 'get it', why would he ever repeat his behaviour. If he ever does, he knows that is the end. So I may as well trust him.

I hope this works for you. Whatever you may think, you look like one hell of a strong woman from where I am standing. That doesn't mean you are coarse or unfeeling. It's that gentle, caring strength that women often have and men only rarely (but when they do it is wonderful).

Spook, my heart goes out to you. You are being so strong-I admire you.

I too have been through a similar experience. I discovered my DH's affair last June. I asked him to leave straight away even though it broke my heart to do it. We had not been getting on well for a long time and I was almost glad of a real excuse to get him to go. The problem was, I allowed him to come back too soon. I wasn't at all sure if I could get over the affair or even if I could still love him, but I allowed him to come back after a week. Now, 7 months later I really regret this decision because he has never really grasped how hurt I was/still am. In fact, i think he really thinks I should have got over it by now. He has done v little to rebuild my trust,despite me spelling out what I needed to him, and doesn't even think he should have to.

So, please just take time to think it all through and be sure of your decision, whatever it is. You have a right to be happy.

Hi everyone.Nancysgirl,your message made me really think. My husband came back yesterday and my life and my home and my family just feels right again. I have not given him an easy ride please believe me, and he still doesn't know whether I will ask him to leave on Monday morning. But I cannot deny the fact that his very presence fills me with joy.He wants to make it work-realises what a long process it will be and has agreed to come to counselling. But he still hasn't answered all my questions.He couldn't even look me in the eye and tell me he loves me more than her.Says it not comparable-a silly question. This really made me angry last night. I haven't eaten since this happened and after a few glasses of wine I was fired up. Bad bad bad I know.
The boys were so happy to see him-I think he grasps what he's done to me.You only have to look at me-not a pretty sight (although every cloud has a silver lining..I have lost nearly a stone!)
He is in the spare room but I really think all this strength that the mumsnetters tell me I have will dissappear when it comes to asking him to leave. I love the bones of that man and this is where he belongs. Oh f**k.I'm really blowing it aren't I??!

so glad to hear this, what a predicament you're in. I sincerely hope he means it and avoids all contact with this women again. Beetroot is right look drop dead gorgeous. All the best

Spook, how are things?

Hi everybody..sorry to have been away so long.Things aren't so good in the Spook household.As you know he came back on Saturday. We had a great weekend with the boys.They were so happy to see him.Saturday was a bit of a rollercoaster ride for us-Sat night we thrashed alot out.My majr problem being that he still couldn't tell me if he loved me more than her.Pretty crucial question I would have thought but one he deemed ridiculous and incomparable.
Anyway on Sunday night he said he looked at the 3 of us and realised how beutiful we were and how lucky he is to even be stood there.(better,better!)
Well on Monday I blew it in quite a stupid way. I got up and just couldn't stop thinking about all those text messages.When we were out together and every night after I went to bed and I crumbled again.And then I found a photo of her in his bag,went mental and stormed off to the beach for a walk.I later that night said to him I was half expecting to see him in the sand dunes looking for me and he said that he'd thought about that but decided he didn't love me enough to chase through the sand dunes for me right now.Fairly conclusive answer,so we decided he should leave and that he did yesterday. Last night I hit rock bottom yet again and just had to call him.We've decided he's coming back on Friday for our appointment with Relate.
Also on Monday night (my suicide day!) I decided that I HAD to know what he bought her for Christmas and what she bought him and when her birthday was etc etc.WHY!!!I am going to send him staight into her arms or at least out the door.
Good grief-if you're still with this thread then thankyou!

Spook
I really want to give you all my support and lots of hugs.
My advice from personal experience is to hang on to that anger you were feeling and turn it into positive energy.
Is there any way you could take your boys away for a week or so to be completely out of the environment where your husband used to reside?
This would give you the chance to see things with more clarity.
All the best XXX

Spook - am so sorry. I really think you need space and distance and professional help. He's not really doing very much to make you feel better and he should be trying so hard. Really thinking of you and will try to write something slightly more helpful - just not sure what to say. He has no idea what he may lose. Do you have any friends who he could talk to /who might be helpful?

Hi buzzybee and hi sykes. He has talked to a couple of friends but they don't really get much more out of him than I do.The problem is basically he has enough money to last till the end of the month and then everything falls apart.Alot of peoples livlihoods rely(including hers!) on him and I just don't think he can concentrate on anything until some money comes in. Not much good for our relationshp I know but there you have it.
I am starting to try and get my life back on track and face a few people.It's so obvious that something is wrong.I've lost so much weight and the life has gone out of me-so this is terribly difficult knowing people are staring at you-not in a nasty way ofcourse.And the danger is-as soon as someone is nice to me I break down.
Do you know I am ussually such a happy sunny person and I just get on with life as best I can.It's like I've had to grow up the last couple of weeks and realise that life is actually absolutely shit. He has done this to me.
And to top it all my mother is coming today.My mother had an affair and left us when I was 9.I am finding it really hard to turn to her in all of this.My dad on the othe hand has been an absolute diamond. Obviously because he's lived through this very thing.If there's one thing a situation like this does it make you realise how lucky you are to have such wonderful freinds around you.And ofcourse thankyou to all the mumsnetters.

Completely agree about friends - I do think I'd have gone under. I don't have any family remotely close - sister in San Francisco, father died years ago and my mother, who had alzheimers, died just before Christmas. Most friends don't live locally but made massive efforts to visit. I used to be very happy-go-lucky etc person and lead a very charmed life (ups and downs but generally very fortunate) and I agree - life can be absolutely crap - never thought that before. I wonder who I am sometimes - seem to have lost part of my identity. IT does get better but very slowly - I do hope he comes to his senses. I really think good, professional advice could help. We went to a counsellor but it was not very good and didn't really address any issues properly. My h also had a personal counsellor,but again, neither of us recognised it takes a massively long time to put it back together, heal, start to trust and that you have to recognise that the first year at least will be incredibly hard and you have to work VERY hard at it. Lots of luck and hope your mother helps a bit.

Completely agree about friends - I do think I'd have gone under. I don't have any family remotely close - sister in San Francisco, father died years ago and my mother, who had alzheimers, died just before Christmas. Most friends don't live locally but made massive efforts to visit. I used to be very happy-go-lucky etc person and lead a very charmed life (ups and downs but generally very fortunate) and I agree - life can be absolutely crap - never thought that before. I wonder who I am sometimes - seem to have lost part of my identity. IT does get better but very slowly - I do hope he comes to his senses. I really think good, professional advice could help. We went to a counsellor but it was not very good and didn't really address any issues properly. My h also had a personal counsellor,but again, neither of us recognised it takes a massively long time to put it back together, heal, start to trust and that you have to recognise that the first year at least will be incredibly hard and you have to work VERY hard at it. Lots of luck and hope your mother helps a bit.

Sorry, just to add, he has to break all contact with HER now. I honestly don't think there's any hope unless he does that - my h didn't.

Hi Spook, I've just caught up with this. I am so sorry, your sadness really comes through and I am in tears. I just know I would be exactly the same if my dh did this.

I feel that what he said about not loving you enough to come and look for you speaks more of his definition of love than anything else. If we all gave our love in line with how we were feeling about someone, we would have no loyalty, no forgiving, no relationship would endure, no value in a person could be considered on a day when it was not on display. We would not love another when they had disappointed us, when we were cross, or when we were distracted.

Your dh needs to grow up and learn that love is verb, and a commitment we pledge to someone else when we marry. Not something that can change with the wind. He can give you his love if he wants, but he thinks he has to obey every little whim of his ever-changing feelings.

I think it is likely that he does love you, far more than he realises. When he looked at you and your children and thought you beautiful, it seemed a more rational judgment to me, because possibly at that moment he was weighing up your worth rather than swaying in the breeze.

He has put lots of energy, effort and attention into maintaining his other relationship for a long time, and that is all attention that was rightfully yours. He has failed to put into your relationship what he needed to put in to make it healthy and happy. You may not have even noticed this but I feel that if you look back you will see where he began to drift away and forget the little attentions we all need to keep our relationships sparkling and alive.

If he could be made to understand this then he would realise that giving that attention back to you would revive those fickle feelings of his. He needs to grow up and learn to manage his feelings and use them for the good in his marriage. At the moment he is allowing them to manage him. On this basis he may have many more relationships in his life because he will never truly commit to be with one person even if he wakes up one day and does not have the airy fairy inner feelings fluttering there. It is both partners' job in a marriage to persist through those times and work to get the feelings back. If you have chosen well in the first place, and put in the effort necessary, I believe you can love the same person for life.

I hope with all my heart that he learns this principle, so that he can see how beautiful and valuable you are at all times.

Janstar.You are an angel.Thankyou.

Spook, I have just read this thread from beginning to end and wanted to post just to add my support. I really feel for you and am so sorry that you and your boys are being hurt.
The advice you have been getting here has been fantastic and you sound like a very strong and courageous lady.

I hope this all works out for you. Whatever happens we are all here for you.

(((((x)))))

Hi Spook, just discovered this thread and wanted to pass on all my sympathy and best wishes to you. It continues to stun me how stunningly selfish some of these men can be. My own H has lied continuously over the last year and has shown virtually no remorse for the suffering and pain he has caused.
Take your time. Think really carefully about how you want to progress from here. Although, I have found my friends tremendously helpful, their help is finite. Your H has behaved really badly and now your priorities must be towards yourself and your children. If your H will not end all communication with the other woman, then IMO you are wasting your time trying to make a go of things.
I wish you strength and courage. Mumsnet was so helpful to me when I was going through this last year, I hope it can be for you too.