help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Spook,

I've been following this thread but haven't posted before. Just wanted to add my heartfelt sympathy coupled with admiration at the strength you are showing. I will hope and pray that it works out well for you.....

Hi everyone.As always THANKYOU.The warmth that comes through from you all is incredible. He called me last night and I did what I really didn't want to do and yelled at him,but he is so bloody unreasonable. When I try to talk to him-there are a million questions in my head and 12 months worth of lies-he says that if I loved him as much as I say then I wouldn't be asking these questions.He puts his head in his hands and say he can't deal with this right now!What has turned my beautiful caring warm man into this monster?
Anyway I got a text late last night saying "Goodnight family X" I totally think I have done the right thing by telling him to leave.We were going nowhere fast.Please God he comes back to me.

Spook - glad you are managing to hold it together! I think you might both benefit from some counselling once you both decide that you want to still be together. This will allow both of you to say your piece in a neutral territory with someone who can facilitate this happening.

It really is such early days - he will be very grupmy with you - afterall you've stopped his fun. He'd been having it all for a long time and you have now made him choose. He will of course conviently have fogotton that he should never have got himself into this position!

Don't assume too much about your own feelings at the moment - you just need to let them flow until they settle down - probably weeks not days IME.

FWIW I too sent my exh off and gave him the space he wanted. I too prayed he would return etc etc. However, about 3 months into the whole thing my feelings completely flipped. I realised that I didn't want to waste years of my life knowing that my trust could be betrayed again. So in the end I went for a divorce and have never looked back! I just think I was being realistic about my ability to 'forgive and forget' although I do really admire those people who can mend their relationships and move on, it just wasn't for me.

I hope that you get the answer you are looking for although it will take a lot of time for the dust to settle. Play it cool with him - give him the space but make him realise that its at a cost! You won't be there to be his confidant while he's dealing with losing her - its not fair on you - he has to get through this bit on his own.

You are dealing with two different things at the moment - the actual loss of him from your life (which might be temporary) but by far the biggest loss is the loss of the person you believed him to be. Thats the bit that may never return!

Lots of hugs to you - you are doing well!!

Spook I have just read this entire thread. Further down I was saying to myself, tell him to leave and that's what you did. It is a VERY hard thing to do but it is the RIGHT thing to do in this situation. He will only know what is missing when you take it away from him and not have the option open of coming home whenever he pleases as has been the case for so long.
There is a fine line between making him know the anguish and pain you have suffered and moving on together so that you have the best possible chance of success without this being an issue all the time. But that's just the thing, he'll have to realise that if he did come back it would take time for you to build that up again. I know just what you mean about sex scenes etc... It took a good year for me to be able to watch. He's got to REALLY want to come back and make you feel respected, loved and confident that you and your boys can come out of this positively and with a future that you can look forward to. You'll know when it feels right to have him back. make him fight for you, you;re worth it and so is his family. Sounds like he is realising that losing his family is a hell of a lot worse than losing a 'bit of stuff'. Please keep us posted, I only wish I'd have had the support of Mumsnet when it happened to me. Perspective is a very valuable thing! I have come out the other side and have had 7 years now of happiness after the event. I did say to myself at the time though. I will come out this positively whatever happens and although it might take a while to get there either way, I knew I would be happy. Wishing you the very best of continued courage and strength. Why does it happen to the nicest of people!xxxx{{{{}}}}

BASTARD!

I've experienced this but luckily no children where involved as I would of suggested somw very nasty things - sweet revenge!

My ex cheated on me with two others, found out at his flat when he had gone to work - found a picture of him and her. I trashed his flat and would of trashed him if he was there. Made me feel great, I went home with a smile on my face but later cried for weeks.

I am so sorry to hear this has happend to you, I know how hurtful it is tohave your heart ripped out and trampled on. Youloved him and have two children - how can he do that! Where's the respect, the love - LOVE which he said he still has for you?!?! Ha! I'de hate to be his enemy!

Let me at him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont know the background but I send lots of love and strength for you now - kick the bastard out for now, he cant have his cake and eat it. He does not deserve your time and patience, show him he might not respect you but you bloody do. He was probaly looking for a quick fix and shag and forgot about the most important things in life like his FAMILY! let him go and see what happens. he might realise the mistake he has made and beg your forgiveness which in that case youare in charge of teh game and can make him pay you back. then you could go to marriage councelling etc... i hopeit works out for you whatever happens. but dont let him play with your sanity - chuck him out while you work it out and tell your children daddy has gone on a work trip. makes me so angry

D'you know,he really has (we really have)had the hardest couple of years. 2 of his best friends are dying of cancer.His business is on the verge of going under.His own father took money from him and he has had this huge burden of guilt. All who know him seem to think he has had some kind of breakdown.This I understand.He's 45.
BUT-he wasn't too troubled to go behind secretarys backs to book her flights for his business trips,or leave family holidays to come back and see her or look me in the eye dozens of times and categorically deny he was having an affair.I am worried now that if our lines of communication break down it will get harder and harder to build that bridge. I am strong but I miss him like you can't imagine.

Oh Spook - I've just seen this for the first time and I just have to say I think you're brilliant. Well done. That must have been so hard and so painful, but you did the right thing. I hope everything works out for you and your boys, whether that's a life with your husband or without him. I don't know you but I feel very proud of you. Please, please keep in touch and keep letting us all know how you are.
You wonderful, strong, loving, forgiving, kind, sensitive woman.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! what a fool he is! My dh's brother is 40 and single (not trying to fix you up) but he is a briliant guy, so kind and fun but married young and divorced (she had affair)no children. There is nothing more in the world he wants more than a family. your dh just does not know what he i losing.
breakdown my arse - selfish! he is just sorting himself out.
you sound like you are too nice to him. treat them mean really does keep them keen. if has hurt you, he is the bad one so dont be too easy on him. let him feel guilt. if he does not realise his mistake and try to make amends then maybe he is mad. but for now you should lie low. cut him off for a few weeks and let him think. dont let him know that you are waiting for that call...

is he at home still?

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Spook - it all sounds so (painfully) familiar .... so sorry. How are the boys?

Hi Sykes,the boys are fine thankyou.My 7 yr old knows something's up and is a strong little soldier.As I'm writing this I am feeling more and more desolate.God I really wish he were here. I have never felt so sad and lonely in all my life.

Spook so sorry, it's so horribly lonely and you start imagining the most awful things. I keep thinking I imagined the 14 years we were together, or at least the happy ones. Try to get as much sleep as you can and get as much support as possible. Have to dash - got to get home and it's an hour and a half journey - my poor dds - I have a great nanny. Do contact me if it would help and hope you get some sleep tonight - I take sleeping pills a lot of the time.

Hi everyone.Here we go...he texted yesterday to ask to come back for the weekend to talk and to see the boys. So I had a think and decided this needed discussing.So,I called him. From the minute he answered the phone I could hear the same defensive attitude.There is still no humility about him.Says I'm too emotive and he's being practical.F**k that. Is it practical that he's lied and cheated to his wife for a year. So I said I didn't think he's ready to come back. More than anything in the world I want him to walk through that door,but if he comes back in here still making me feel like the guilty one I will be straight back at the bottom of the heap that I'm managing to claw my way up.I honestly don't think he has grasped the enormity of what he's done to me.
I feel like some of my self-esteem is creeping back.I DO have a say in my own life!

Well done, you, for sticking to your guns. What good is he going to be to you if he sticks with this attitude?

Besides, I think your best hope for the future is to make him feel really bad now. I hope that doesn't sound horrible, but if you give in too quickly it will ensure that nothing changes. In this case I think it is tough love.

And the tone of your post suggests that you are keeping your dignity and rising up from this awfulness so well. You are certainly not allowing him to make a victim of you.

spook you sound such a beautiful strong woan and you are doing what is right at the end of the day things may have been hard for him what with his friends dying and the business going under but you are his wife and turning to you would have been the best option - as far as I know shagging someone is a physical thing and does not help you deal with what is going on in your own life - he could have had support, warmth and affection from you - the woman who has bourne his children who has been there for him through all of this - don't let him make you feel like you or any other factor in his life is a reason to have an affair - his reason was pure and simple selfish lust - he is a complete arsehole!!

How terribly selfish of him to even show you that he is going through any negative emotion at ending the affair - he should have been there doing it in front of you - on the phone saying to her that it is over and there was never any future anyway as he loves you and your children and wants to spend the rest of his life with you - he should have been apologetic to the point of grovelling - I just cant believe how selfish men are sometimes - they're sad self pitying little souls aren't they - how terribly indulgent of him to even dream of behaving like this when you are experiencing such raw emotion brought on by an act perpetrated by him - god they are rideculous!!

Pick yourslef up get through everyday as usual and show anger and pain to him - show him that your feelings are a result of what he has done and make him pay watching you cry and scream at him - if he can't handle the guilt and sadness that that should bring forth in him then frankly that would be the end for me. Sorry he is such a wanker - he wasn't being practical when he dropped his trousers and made love to someone else - I am sure you were when you were at home caring for his children - please please stay strong like you are - I firmly believe that nothing is thrown at us that we cannot cope with - you will get through this - day by day at first and then things will seem easier until finally whether he is with you or not you will be whole and complete.

Make him pay honey - and if he does not show any remorse for what he has done to you and his children then he is just not worth it - you are worth far more than that and so are your beautiful kids.

Good luck and all of my love and thoughts to you. XXX

Oh Twinkie. Thankyou so much. I wish I could give you a hug.All of you are so kind.XX

i don't need hugs anymore spook all of my dreams are coming true at the moment - I have rid of my x2b and soon will be a free woman (well not when I got DP i suppose) - please look at your relationship and really think - do you miss him (by that I mean the very essence of him - his faults and foibles, his personality and affection) or do you miss just someone being there are you mourning for 'him' or the relationship that you thought you had - I really believe this is the first thing you have to decide before deciding whether to take him back and gothrough all the hard work of forgiving or just ending it.

I really think it will be harder and more painful to forgive and forget and live with not being able to trust him again than it will just to end it - think carefully though and don't think in terms of you two having children together - think in terms of your sanity and hapiness - without that your children won't grow to their full potential.

All my love and best wishes. XXX

Are you a long long way a way from southern england - there are lots of us I know here and lots I am sure all around the country that could come and give you a hug and help out if needs be. XXX

Just a note as I think some very valid and wise points have been made. I also think you are being very strong and have self respect for both you and your boys. I was expecting him to be begging and being apologetic and remorseful, but what respect can you have for him without that? Or the confidence that he is coming back to you because he adores you and is truly repentent. I was easy on him in my last post but I now feel that he is a loser and the biggest things he'll lose are you are your boys. You will be happy whatever the outcome of this as you'll only have him back I'm sure if you're convinced of his loyalty and love. He's got a great deal of thinking to do and if he expects you to just 'get over it' then he is completely wrong. He has to be man enough to accept full responsibilty for this and if he doesn't then he doesn't deserve happiness and love from you.
xxxxx

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Spook - I must admit I don't have any experience of this - but I honestly think you're being incredibly strong. I can only imagine the feelings you must be experiencing must be the sadness and sense of loss of what was between you. Please remember that is the man you are crying over - not the man he currently has become. Take some time out to really think about what you want, and then go for it. Take as much time as you need to make your decisions. Remember none of this is a result of your doing. Your H shouldn't be wallowing in self pity either - his actions are not justified in any way.

I really really hope things work out for you Spook, and you get the outcome you truely hope for.

I do agree with Nicksie. If you took your dh back now all he would think was that he could keep you without having to explain himself or show remorse. With keeping him away, you give him the chance to come to the correct conclusions that give a chance of rebuilding your marriage in a better way, not going through the same problems again. Leaving things unresolved would lead to the same problems cropping up again.

You are giving him a choice, as I see it. Resolve things and come back, or stay away. IMO it is your only chance of rebuilding on a solid foundation - with or without him.

Hello. My husband called again this afternoon and actually sounded a little bit repentant.I think he stayed at his mums last night and maybe she shook some sense into him.
He wanted to come back tonight but I said no.He is coming in the morning and I warned him that if there was any hint of an attitude then this marraige was dead in the water.
I have to take the boys to a party and asked him what he would do in the house on his own.He replied that it was still his house.I politely pointed out to him that right now he had no claim on me,this house or those boys. This got no response so I think he got it!
Anyway mumsnetters,wish me luck....