Spook, I think the best thing you can do now is to shift the focus off dh. You are going round and round in circles and it must be so exhausting.
If he ever comes back and returns to being the husband you love and want it is certainly going to take time. Probably months. Any way you look at it you have a wait on your hands.
You have spent the last ten years absorbed in being a wife and mother, building a home and caring for other people. What happened to Spook while all this was going on?
I want you to do something for me, please. I want you to think about the ambitions you had when you were a teenager. What was your heart's desire - for yourself? To paint, to write, to ride a horse, travel to India, learn to sign, swim the channel, make a patchwork quilt...etc etc.
I am hoping there is something unfulfilled that you have shelved in favour of caring for others.
Find that unfulfilled ambition and start working on fulfilling it. In my experience this will be a catharsis for you, and will shift your focus off dh on to yourself, it will give you something in which to lose yourself, and it will help to redefine you as an individual.
When your deepest desires and ambitions begin to be fulfilled, life will once again become a rich and satisfying experience.