I'm the Other Woman, by accident (seriously). HELP.

[AnonToSpareBlushes]

I feel like such an utter idiot. Last year my marriage was ending and I started a brief fling with a man in an open marriage - let's call him Somebody Else's DH (SEDH?!). I wasn't ready to jump into a proper relationship but really wanted, well, sex with a nice and trustworthy person who I liked. So it worked well. It was all totally open and above board - his wife was on the online dating site too to keep an eye on him, and checked out my profile and okayed him to go ahead. He came with some 'terms and conditions' that he was very clear about - not a long-term thing, nothing at the expense of his home life (eg we only met when he was staying away from home for work), safe sex, nothing in their home town or near his workplace, and no new kids. Wife would call him to say goodnight etc, knew exactly where he was and what he was doing etc.

To be honest I thought this all sounded very grown up and reasonable and I was impressed that they had such a loving and trusting relationship. We had our fling. It was great fun and I never felt funny about it at all. I knew SEDH had a fantastic relationship with his wife, and that they had several young DCs, and basically a great life. The only thing I feel mildly funny about is that SEDH isn't going to keep in touch with me afterwards, because that's part of his T&Cs, but at the same time I understand that this seems reasonable.

Fast forward to the end of it (four months on, I was feeling ready to be properly single and maybe meet somebody else who was properly single) and we are having a last shag. SEDH does something risky with the condom. I panic and freak out afterwards. SEDH then says some other slightly odd things the same evening that make me wonder if (a) he has become slightly inappropriately attached to me, and (b) that he was aware of the risk he has taken with the condom. Nevertheless, we say our goodbyes in the morning and proceed to our separate lives. I take a morning after pill just to be safe.

You know where this is going, right?

I don't think about it again until nine days later, when, on the train back from a work trip, I begin to feel distinctly queasy and ye olde F-cups are aching in a suspiciously pregnant kind of way. I get home and pee on a stick. It's positive. I'm pregnant.

I don't abort, although SEDH strongly urges me to. The back story here is that I had spent many years TTC in my marriage but had never been able to, including requisite sad MC story, and really can't bring myself to now I find myself finally "successful", if a positive pregnancy test can be called that under these deeply inappropriate circumstances. However, being pregnant does feel quite miraculous and rather right. I am excited about being a mum. I will cope with being a single mum.

SEDH doesn't tell his wife. He is terrified that she will leave him. Understandably in some ways, he doesn't want to risk losing or hurting his wonderful family. Fair enough, I think (though I'm not impressed - I thought they were such a lovely couple but clearly there is a trust issue lurking here!) but I say that if I was his wife I would be deeply unimpressed.

I have the 12-week scan and it seems more likely now that it's viable. I urge SEDH to tell his wife. He doesn't. Then the anomaly scan at 20 weeks. I urge SEDH to tell his wife - at this point I'm really quite upset about the whole situation, on my own part, but also on hers. He still doesn't tell her. Surely, the longer he leaves telling her, the more of a big betrayal it becomes and the more likely that it would wreck everything? I tell SEDH that I won't lie to a child about who their father is, and that at some point in the future it is quite likely to all come out. He seems to think this buys him a bit of time until his DCs are older and less vulnerable (the youngest is now a toddler).

I'm now in my third trimester. SEDH still hasn't told his DW that he's got another woman pregnant. He hasn't offered to support me in any way - in the meantime, I've been made redundant (total and utter shock) and have had to move back in with my parents. I am in two minds about whether I would want to pursue him for child support in any case, but under the circumstances if I did it would also mean his wife finds out everything and frankly at this stage I suspect she would (and perhaps should) seriously consider leaving him.

WHAT DO I DO?! I just don't know what the right thing is here. Leave it and abandon all contact and hope he behaves better towards his family in future? Continue contact, feeling guilty as it is behind his DW's back although there is now nothing going on between us, in the interests of having my as-yet-unborn DC have some vague contact with its father? Something else?

That you are even considering this mans wife and children says a lot about you <strong>Anon</strong>. He didnt.

This whole situation now has to be solely about you and your little one, and any contact you have should, I believe, be only with SEDH. The rest is up to him. Its completely irrelevant whether his wife knew or not. The point is, <strong>you</strong> believed she did. Whichever way you decide to go about getting it, maintenance is a must. Its the little ones birthright, regardless of your own financial situation. At this stage, I feel thats all that`s needed.

Your child is going to be much loved by you. Anything else, in the future, will be a bonus.

Anon, as per my previous post I think you just have to proceed in a businesslike fashion with the father.

I think at this point much of the rights and wrongs of the situation are moot and you (in fact all the adults involved who have contributed to this scenario) need to put the needs of all the children first.

In his case how he and his wife deal with the impact to their family is their decision. You can't make him tell her but as I said before I think you should make clear you are not going to actively collude in keeping this quiet.

In reference to some later posts you have made I really think you need to get the maintenance position sorted from day one. Ok, you don't need the money now, but its not really your money is it? It's your child's and who knows what the future holds.

You have no way of knowing what his next steps will be (he may well "do a runner") so I think you need to set the expectation up front. It may be you only ask for a small nominal monthly amount given your ability to remain financially independent at the present time, but by doing so you have the payment mechanism and expectation already established - something that could be key for you in coming years.

By not doing this you are both leaving an elephant in the room that will have to be dealt with at some point, so I think you just have to grasp the nettle here and get on with it.

Daisy, I don't know who my father is and I have never been remotely interested.

Hi OP,
No judging from me at all as I have done plenty in my past on a par & all that matters is how you go forward - the best for your child (how exciting!) and the best for the wife who has been caught up in this.

I'm torn between advising you to stay well away & deal with it alone, particularly if you don't really need the money to give your child a good life. That is, really, the one & only way to not destroy that man's relationship. In a sense I also think its fairer to a child, to know nothing but a strong relationship with their mother & a dream of a perfect father somewhere than deal with the very adult reality from an early age. Plus from your perspective being 'totally' alone really can be so liberating (I did it!) and give a great bond with your child.

However the other part of me suspects that one day, however far in the future, your child WILL demand to know details about their father. & if they track him down, which is not so hard in this day and age, the wife's world will be even more shattered than it would be ATM - she must already suspect for him to have told her he's suddenly stopping open relationships & got her off the site.

My personal overall decision would be leave it, cope alone, use your parents' support (they sound great) & give your child the greatest life you can. & take the risk that they may be ok with not knowing. At least if, in the future they do, you can tell the wife you TRIED to put it right by staying away. And who knows, maybe you can save a copy of this thread and show your adult child to show the turmoil you had in deciding, that you did care enough about their daddy to try and protect him. And, above all, how much your child was wanted that you kept them no matter what.

Hope this helps in some way - very best of luck

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful responses. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, which I guess is never a bad thing especially in complicated circumstances...

I am not going to worry too much about whether there was in fact some elaborate fake going on - really, I do feel quite comfortable that it was in fact a bona fide open marriage. But yikes, it's also fair to say that it sounds as if there's good reason out there for some cynicism if people can go to those lengths to fake it. If I ever do hear directly from SEDH's wife at some point as the situation evolves, I'll come back and update you all on whether it was all true or not!!!

Schnitzel and others who've mentioned that perhaps the 'no new kids' rule means I implicitly agreed to abort if I got pregnant... this is actually probably one of the things that gives me pause for thought when it comes to the possibility of asking for child support. I do feel I made my decision to continue with the pregnancy on the understanding that I was going it alone, and I feel like I have primary responsibility here. While I'm not ruling out the possibility in future, I do feel funny about it and this is probably partly why.

BoyMeetsWorld, thank you for your comment, it made me all teary (but was also really helpful on a practical level).

It is great to hear that you've found it liberating to go it alone and that it can be the basis for a strong bond with a child. Although it's all totally new territory for me, I do think that having positive hopes and examples like this makes a real difference to my perception of what's possible.

I do also think you have a very good point about being able to say in future, if SEDH's wife finds out (as I think she inevitably will, either through SEDH's own guilty conscience or my DC tracking them down) that I have tried to do the right thing by her and their family too.

I am a child of a single mum who didnt tell my dad about me. I never felt a huge urge ti track him down as it always was a bit of a taboo subject and I didnt want to upset my mum. When I was 26 and she was dying she told me who he was. I found him and after the initial mega shock, he was really happy. Now we have a great relationship and he dotes on my DD. The difference here is that he only had another child living with his EXW and had a very broken relationship with her. So he saw me as a positive thing hapening in his life!
I am saying this to show the outcome in my experience.
And my grandparents where crucial in my upbringing.

Anon, I recently met a lovely lady who told me some of her past. 20 or so years ago she had an affair with a married man which resulted in having a baby (ds). It was in a diff country and mentality was so much diff there and then.
She kept it, had her parents' support, built a fantastic life for herself tho remained single.
He divorced after a while, then emigrated but although not supported them early on financially, they remained in touch and are still friends (on diff continents). She is still very fond of him as a person and genuinely says ds is the best thing that has happened to her and he is also proud of him and they meet very occasionally so he is def part of his life.
I think women are more open hearted then men, I think it's important to be civilised and look forward not backwards and not to burn bridges. In time the emotions and circs will change, think of a big picture and do keep him in your ds life somewhere, who knows what the future holds, you - and him - should be proud of the new life. Good luck, you sound a lovely :)

So so upset and sad today. [busad]

SEDH emailed me out of the blue yesterday, with a short but chatty message asking how my pregnancy is going and telling me about being on holiday with his family and being about to go to some work thing in continental Europe when he gets back. I replied with something equally short and innocuous saying I am fine and that I hope they are all enjoying their holiday.

His reply arrives late last night and suddenly he is asking me to come with him for a weekend in this European city, and saying he misses me.

Then later a text saying 'ignore me, sorry for that email'.

I just feel so... used, and sad, and yucky about it all. Of course I have feelings for him, I'm pregnant with his child, I cared about him enough to sleep with him, I have emotions and I yearn for love and a partner to want me and care about me and touch my bump and feel the little one kick and be excited and happy with me. But I don't want to be the Other Woman, and I don't want to be some dirty weekend prospect behind his wife's back, and it brings it all up again for me even if I would never in a million years say yes. I hate that feeling of wanting him (even momentarily and silently) and the whole thing is just so confusing and upsetting.

I wrote back and said I didn't want him to say anything like that again, even if he meant it lightheartedly, and that I appreciated him saying sorry. And that he should think about whether perhaps we shouldn't be in touch at all, or that we should only be in touch on whatever terms his wife decides after he tells her.

But I'm so so sad about it. It just makes me want to cry.

kione and nightcat, those are lovely stories, thank you both.

I'm not sure I can deal with staying in touch with him, but I will keep looking towards the future and reminding myself of the positive things. It is really good to hear of situations where it has worked out despite being an unusual and potentially difficult situation.

The bunny emoticons are cheering, though.

I notice there's no crying bunny. But I definitely need a [bubiscuit]!

Right, honey. He is an arse. Kick him to the kerb. You don't want to be someone's dirty little secret and not should you be.

Be business like from now on. He is a shabby dickhead. Good luck with your pregnancy. I agree with Motherinferior's post. Don't collude with being somebody else's dirty little secret. Many years ago, I was talking into pretending that I had resigned, when in fact the company had sacked me. All very complicated and ridiculous and only that I was so young and upset I would never have gone along with keeping somebody else's stupid secret.

What a twat he is. Good response, OP.

Oh dear, my heart goes out to you. Pregnancy is enough of an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times, but this must be tough for you.

However, you were strong enough to make the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy on your own. You believe you can manage financially and practically without him. So, please just do it! I have friends who are single mums, and the ones who are happiest are the ones who have no contact with the father from the off and who end up living their life in a completely self-reliant way. That way lies self-respect and a great role model. Do you want to be shackled to this bloke for the rest of your life, with him, at best sort of wandering around in the wings of your child's life? Your baby already has a committed mum and caring grandparents waiting for him/her, and really doesn't need this man. Focus on you and on how you can do the best for your child yourself.

Anon, I am new and lurking but I had to post after seeing your latest updates; I am in awe of your strength.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the luck in the world.

Oh no Anon - just read the latest.

Sounds like this guy may honestly have feelings for you beyond just sex BUT as the reply came late he'd quite possibly had a row with DW that day and turned to you as 'fallback' or had had a few drinks?

Either way...you don't need mind games like that in your life, or your baby's. I've had to learn to be very business like with DS's dad too. If I were you id set the rules right now. Tell him either he wants to keep contact and know about his child, but in that case he has to tell DW. Or if he doesnt want this, tell him you're cutting contact altogether & don't want to hear from him again, least of all in this type of context.

That way balls in his court, you're doing nothing wrong and you get clarity

Good luck....and hugs. Stay strong.

Oh and btw Anon, as you mentioned positive stories are helping you...

You WILL find that love you yearn for again, even with a child- and it will be genuine love, not somebody using you to fill a gap for something missing in their existing love life.

I started off going it alone with my DS. But after I had well & truly cut my losses with DS's dad & begun to feel far stronger in myself & what I wanted from life/love, I met my now DH. He took me on complete with tiny child from sordid past & has literally been an angel to the two of us. DS does actually still have contact with his dad, thanks to a long process of being 'business like', putting all personal feelings to this side - and learning to dodge crisis' before they even start. It's taken a lot of work, but been worth it. I never thought his dad would stop being an idiot and causing me heartache but a very civil, at-a-distance relationship has been achieved. There was another woman involved at the time too - though I might add she was essentially the OW not me - and she learned to just deal with DS being in the world. Eventually

Don't settle for tit bits of physicality with him when the whole package will be out there somewhere. I personally think men who take on women with youngsters are often the most genuine, decent kind.

You are so so strong....always remember he is the weak one in this and out of the goodness of your heart you are giving him options. But try not to feel more than pity (I know how hard that can be)

X

Wow, you are such a strong, brave person! I know you don't feel like that right now but you are and your DC's to be is very lucky!

Sounds to me like the rules of the contract did not take into account his emotions!! I really hope he and his wife get to sort through this.

But you are right, avoiding all contact would be best unless his wife is involved. It's all gotten a bit messy!

My heart goes out to you too xx

Forget about him. Good luck to you and baby.

I would speak to a lawyer about the implications of naming him on the birth certificate. You are presuming they would want nothing to do with your DC. It is not beyond the bounds of possibility that this family decide they want to take control and have a lot to do with your DC and may try to fight you even for shared residency, citing their secure set up as a better home environment for a baby than yours.

I would hire a P.I. to ensure you know his full name, date of birth etc. so that you can tell your child who their father is at some point, even if you don't name on birth certificate, pursue for maintenance etc..

If what he told you is true that his wife was on board but that he had promised double contraception, then he is a deceitful, disrespectful man and you must protect yourself. I understand you may not like hormonal contraception but it would have been simple to also use a diaphragm with spermicide alongside the condom. I too though am suspicious, he could easily have said he was on a business trip with his colleague Anon and that they were working late together in the room. Why leave the room to talk to her otherwise. This is speculation of course but it does matter in terms of the possible fallout when she finds out about the pregnancy. I have definitely worked with men who are capable of and do carry on such deceit. The few people I know in truly open marriages more often than not seem to meet the other sex partner. Anyway, this didn't sound like a truly open marriage, it sounds like a marriage with problems with desperate attempts to make it more acceptable to one or both of them.

Anyway, past is irrelevant here, you must now look after yourself and your baby. If you wanted to truly do what is in the wife's best interests, I suppose you would have had a termination. Given that you have not, you must give your baby and yourself as much security as possible. What do your parents think you should do by the way?

Hi OP. Ive been lurking about on this thread and just read the latest. First of all well done for your response, it was perfect and couldnt have suggested anything better for you to say. Dont really have any advice im sorry, except i believe strongly that he should be at the very least paying csa. Im sure your DC will get so much love from you, that if the owdh chooses not to be in her/his life then he wont be needed. Good luck

Owdh was meant to be sedh, sorry i forgot the code!

That email from him was awful for you. Well done for not considering going to meet him. You are very strong to be so determined. Hope you get over the sadness soon. Its hard not to want to have a baby in a loving supportive relationship, I do think that as you can't tell what the future holds you need to get in touch with the CSA, your DC deserves the best and even if you can save the money there will be a time when it will be used.x

Eurostar the OP cannot name SEDH on the birth certificate without his express permission, either by being there in person or by sending a signed note to say he allows it.

OP - he is a dick for messing around with you like this. And that is why I personally don't think open marriages are a very good idea - there is always the risk that feelings will get involved and messes will happen.
I don't suppose there is any underlying dodginess here, that he wanted another child but his wife didn't, or somesuch bollocks?