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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 21/03/2013 09:44

Tell him not to bother unpacking his suitcase, but to take anything else he needs and leave.

So sorry you're going through this when you've been through enough already.

GeorgiePorgiePudding · 21/03/2013 09:47

So sorry to hear about this. What an absolute bastarding twat. Yeah of course your breast cancer must have also been hard for him but to go off into the arms of another woman?! Really?! What a spineless, selfish, nasty c*nt

As someone above said, tell him not to unpack. Get everything he owns in bin liners and put it all out in the front garden ready for him to take as well when he gets back.

Then call your mum or girlfriends and get them over for tea and cake and moral support.

So sorry again

LottieJenkins · 21/03/2013 09:48

So sorry you are going through this..........I wouldnt let him back............You have been through so much and it is disgusting that he is blaming you..............

Seabright · 21/03/2013 09:49

You need time to think before making a big decision and he needs to give you that time. He needs to go to a Travellodge or a friend until you are ready.

Don't take this crap about it being the fault of the cancer. It was his decision to act like this.

MrsSpagBol · 21/03/2013 09:51

So sorry to hear this Flowers

Locketjuice · 21/03/2013 09:52

So sorry your going through this,
All I can say is what a complete and utter selfish twat to try and blame your health on what has happened.. Any kind of husband wouldn't have dreamt of doing this whilst you were so vulnerable!

VitoCorleone · 21/03/2013 09:52

What a fucking prick

ScottyDoc · 21/03/2013 09:54

So so sorry OP. you have been through hell and back with the cancer and operations. This man is not only undeserving of you but is the scum of the earth for having betrayed you like this. Get him out of your house calmly and controlled, and seek legal advice this week. Don't allow him to talk you back into giving him another chance either, that will be his number one plan when he comes home today. He will most likely be wording it together carefully in his own head. If you did let him back in, you know in your heart that not only will you never be able to trust him again but if you or the family has another crisis or major event like the cancer, none of you will be able to rely and depend on him.

He is a sad, pathetic individual who has betrayed his sick wife and children. You absolutely cannot get lower than that.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/03/2013 09:55

Sad Bastard.

How fucking dare he blame your breast cancer for his choice to cheat and betray you in this way?!

Do not take the blame - he is an inadequate selfish dick.

nipersvest · 21/03/2013 09:56

given what you've already been through over the past year you need real life support, is there someone you can call?

Thisisaeuphemism · 21/03/2013 09:57

I'm sorry to hear this, what a horrible shock.

I would be surprised if they haven't slept together since dec - especially if she is sending naked pics...

Get real life support too - and you don't have to decide anything now.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/03/2013 09:58

And don't let on how much you know and say as little as possible when listening to him tell you what happened. They always minimise - it was only a kiss, we only shagged once etc. Sending nude pics indicates they have been at it for a while, sorry Sad

Also you need to get tested for STIs Sad

mcmooncup · 21/03/2013 10:00

Wow, I'm so sorry OP, you must be devastated.

This is betrayal of an especially disgusting type.

I'm afraid you have seen his true colours here, and I would go with what everyone else is saying........get his things and throw them on the drive and do not let him back in. Of course he will say he hasn't done anything, they all do. But he has. You know it and we all know it Sad

You know how precious life is after what you have been through. It certainly isn't worth wasting on pond life like him.

FireOverBabylon · 21/03/2013 10:01

Print off the naked photo of her, stick it to the front door with "don't bother coming in, your things are behind you" written on it, then dump the rest of his stuff, with / without bin bags, on the kerb.

Bolt the door or put chairs behind it so he can't get it.

mcmooncup · 21/03/2013 10:05

FireoverBabylone That is genius

OP you would truly do well to consider this.

There is nothing much to say to him is there?

Loulybelle · 21/03/2013 10:06

It amazes me how people can think of their sex life before the health of their partner.

I agree, kick him out, you've gone through cancer and come through it, think of it as a second chance to do something better for you, sod that cheating bastard.

worldgonecrazy · 21/03/2013 10:08

Can you get family or a friend around for some support? He needs to give you space and time to process this devestation.

It is entirely his decision and "just kissing" is something that teenagers do. Adults don't stop at "just kissing" because they don't have to, so that is just a lie. None of this is your fault. If it hadn't been cancer he would have found some other excuse to have sex with other women.

Gingerandcocoa · 21/03/2013 10:14

What a selfish thing he's done. I am really sorry you're going through this, after such a horrible year.

I wouldn't let him in through the door, you need time to digest this and think about what you want to do. Definitely tell him to go to a hotel and I wouldn't believe a word he says!!!

lovesherdogstoomuch · 21/03/2013 10:17

utter utter bastard. get support round. do the naked pic thing on the door and chuck his stuff out. bolt yaself in and get someone to pick up the kids for the night. they don't need to see any of this as you know. you are a truly brave, strong woman. he is disgusting. good luck. i'll be thinking of you. hopefully he's panicking and making up his story on the plane right now. and yeh, they always minimise what's been going on. sorry.

woopsidaisy · 21/03/2013 10:21

Inrealshock, I have tears in my eyes...
How dare he try to blame you! I am so incensed for you, what a complete stain on humanity he is.

AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!! Wanker, wanker,WANKER!!!!

Agree with others, tell him to get a room somewhere. Then give me the address, Ill give him something to think about.

I was a nurse on breast surgery ward for years, I know what you have been through. this is not normal behaviour from him. Asshole.

woopsidaisy · 21/03/2013 10:22

Sorry for typos.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 10:22

I have got it all out in bin bags now. Really frighteed about the sti thing. Could no believe the picture either i am 42 vulnerable my breasts look strange and one of nipples did ot survive the surgery. I have put lots of weight on but i did feel i was k the mend and trying to be positive and was exercising and trying to be well.

OP posts:
gilly86 · 21/03/2013 10:22

I agree with posts above. Put all his clothes etc in bin bags on the driveway/front garden/road outside and don't let him in. Tell him to go away. Anywhere but not there with you in your home.
Then call your mum/sister/friends and go to them or have them come to you. Talk it through with them if you want/need to as its good to get clarity from real life people who know you/him/your family.
If you don't want to talk about it then dont... Do anything else but talk about it. That part is up to you.

But kick him out for now at least. I wouldn't ever take him back but you might... Only you can decide that BUT he needs to be OUT today until YOU are ready to discuss/meet/whatever.

gilly86 · 21/03/2013 10:25

I am so sorry this has happened, we all are. I actually have tears in my eyes reading this as well. I feel sick for you I can't imagine how you feel.
What an utter DICK.

Fucking hell.

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/03/2013 10:26

the man is not worth a tenth of you.

You've been through something horrific and however you may look, you're a survivor & your body is just a reflection of that. You deserve so much better than that.

Also, it's less likely to be down to looks...more likely to be down to a flaw in him & his ability to keep it in his trousers, whoever it is that's caught his eye Thanks

You're doing great, just take it easy & take each day as it comes.

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