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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
ScoffedAnEggInSixtySeconds · 21/03/2013 11:07

You are doing so marvellously well OP, so brave and thoughtful even now to your children.

He is a cuntweasel. I hope his conscience tweaks him so badly he never sleeps the night through again.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 11:09

I have taken screen shots of all the texting between the 2 of them and of course her naked photo. What else do i need do you think is palnning to divorce re solicitors etc

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2013 11:11

Words honestly fail me at this despicable scumbag of a man Angry

God I'm so sorry you have to go through this shit.

You've done the right thing to get his stuff together. Tell him to fuck off and leave you alone while you have time to think.

How does he look himself in the mirror

And as for the only kissing bit...they really do follow the same fucking script don't they? Does he think you're stupid?

Best of luck OP. I'll be thinkingof you at 2

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/03/2013 11:12

Well done OP.

You are brave beyond words & doing incredibly well all things considered. Best of luck Thanks

(Plenty of people on here know more about the solicitors etc, just wanted to say well done Smile )

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2013 11:13

Get paperwork together. Payslips, certificates, tax details, bank statements, savings, anything financial. Passport etc. Get them all together then take them round to a friends house for safe keeping. If you can't face that, hide them somewhere - the loft, somewhere like that.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 11:13

I think i forgot to mention in all the hullaballoo that the bitch phoned me late at night to see we should be friends and that he was to blame as he had done all the running. She said affairs were quite typical in her culture , Yugoslavia and she had suffered so much. I told her to leave him alone and my family - she said that she did not know about the breast cancer but i doubt that would have stopped her

OP posts:
LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 11:14

You poor thing. I'm sure your breast cancer was harder for YOU than it was for him.

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/03/2013 11:16

Oh dear...If anything that would make me even more determined to LTB.

Hope he's happy with himself Hmm

How are you feeling? have you contacted any friends or family? Brew

monkeysbignuts · 21/03/2013 11:16

He's a twat and she is a bitch. Regardless of the breast cancer she should have stayed away from a married man!

I can't believe you are having to go through this after everything else you have been through.
Tbh if it was me I would kick him out. Hugs op x

LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 11:17

Inrealshock, I know you can't think like this now, but if the pair of you split up, don't visualise yourself stuck at home with the children all the time. make it clear he'll be responsible for the children every weekend while you carve out a new social life for yourself. He can't object, not reasonably. Looks like he went ahead and did that while married. There is nothing that takes the wind out of a man's sails quicker than being responsible for three children every weekend Wink

TumbleWeeds · 21/03/2013 11:18

Don't engage with her. If she thought it was really painful to see your DP have an affair, she wouldn't have done it herself, culture difference or not.

What BitOutOfPractice said. And get a copy of all important documents, esp wages slips, bank statements, rental agreement if you are renting or deeds for the house/mortgage stuff. If you have scanner, scan them and put all that on a memory stick.

TumbleWeeds · 21/03/2013 11:20

Sorry I meant 'if it was painful to see her own DP have an affair'....

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 11:20

Yes i think maybe he should move out. I have told a few friends. He was completely paranoid on the phone last night about people finding out. No fucking wonder he is such a selfish shit and it does not portray him in a good light

OP posts:
Strangemagic · 21/03/2013 11:20

OP he is a git,she has lost her mind,you sound brave and determined,good luckxx

SPBInDisguise · 21/03/2013 11:24

" i am 42 vulnerable my breasts look strange and one of nipples did ot survive the surgery. I have put lots of weight on but i did feel i was k the mend and trying to be positive and was exercising and trying to be well"

What strikes me is that you were doing so well, please dont let this derail you. Continue to eat well, to exercise, to sleep.at this point you need to prioritise looking after yourself most of all. Please, you owe it to yourself to not let his breathtaking lack of support set you back .

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/03/2013 11:26

He was worried about what people would think?

what about what his wife thinks !? Hmm

Should of thought of that before...he knew what he was doing, he took the risk anyway.

Sounds like a selfish arse. Not exactly redeeming himself is he.

Make him move out, for a while at least. You need & deserve your own space. I think you already know that how he's acting about the aftermath has put the nail in the coffin...

LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 11:29

The not wanting other people to know is quite typical. I would blow that out of the water. Tell everybody what has happened, what you know so far and how you know it, because that way, "The Script" can't be changed later. You know, see it on here, the script somehow gets changed to 'you rejected me, you pushed me away, you over reacted to some harmless flirting'. Make sure all his friends and family know. And that way he has to ACKNOWLEDGE what happened.

TumbleWeeds · 21/03/2013 11:29

Yes move out at least so that both of you can see a bit more clearly what is going on.

If he really cares about you, he will be able to use that time to show he can behave appropriately.
And let people know why he is moving out. The fact he has been unfaithful should NOT be a shame on you, so much so that you don't want anyone knowing about it. You want the responsibility of the situation sitting squareky on his shoulders.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 11:29

You are right i want to get stronger physically and emotionally its just a bit of a surprise that my future does not look like it will be the one i thought ie with him ... Bloody hell

OP posts:
LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 11:32

EVEN if you end up apart, that won't carry on feeling like a shock for the next forty years. Adjustment terrifying but you DO adjust.

Carry on focusing on your own health and recovery. Your cancer is still recent. You will feel better than you do now. There's still a lot of recovery to be done. REally feel for you that you've been dealt this shock.

PeppermintPasty · 21/03/2013 11:34

You do sound very strong. Get thee to a solicitor pronto, so you are forearmed with all the knowledge, all the facts.

I am so sorry he has done this to you, what a despicable coward.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/03/2013 11:34

My God I am disgusted. And I'm so sorry OP. just get rid of him, he does not deserve the air you breathe. I can't believe he could blame your cancer, shocking!!

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/03/2013 11:36

It's natural to feel upset & disappointed about the future, when you thought it was going to be with someone you love & have children with & have been with for a long time. You're allowed to grieve for that, no matter what the other person has done. You're only human & it's still painfully fresh for you & will be for a while, but once you've sorted the basics out & the dust starts to settle you will feel better & more confident in your decision. It may even be the best thing you ever did.

Stay strong & let yourself feel whatever you need to feel Thanks

EldritchCleavage · 21/03/2013 11:36

I'm so sorry to hear this.

For starters I would tell him to tell this woman she is not to contact you again under any circumstances, and that if she does you may report her to police for harassment. What a completely selfish and wrong-headed thing to do, ring you up to whinge about herself!

Give yourself time to deal with the shock, and do look after yourself.

DreamingofSummer · 21/03/2013 11:39

OP you sound incredibly strong. Your husband sounds a total arse. Tell him to stay away for now until you decide what you want to do. Let him feel the shame

I agree with seeking legal advice very soon. I'd also confide in your friends - a problem shared and all that.

Stay strong